Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Turtles (43206)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: N.P.D. Thread Part V
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. Yes, it validated my perceptions to some extent. I am no angel and I have done things that I regret. But, nothing like this shit.
I was so lucky that her family told me much of this stuff. Also, her "friends" told me this stuff, too.
Needless to say, anyone that told me any of this stuff and who she found out about is non-existent to her> She has not spoken to her mom in 2 years. Not even to send her a Mother's Day Card. Same with her older brother who tried to contact her to inquire re her affair(he helped in the investigation and busted her.So, he no longer exists to her)
But, isn't it amazing how they can appear so normal to outsiders? I am sure those that know her superficially think she is super mom> Once, she would not comb our young daughters' hair for months and it was a mess(this was my fault, of course. Like I had time to do it working 3 jobs). Her mom finally took matters into her own hands and it took 2 days to get the tangles out. Then , ayear later, a baysitter did it for the youngest, again.
My ex is very good looking and that is her currency. I found her so unattractive after years of hearing how bad and deficient i was that it made no difference> Silent treatments were her forte.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ron, I kind of do this too. Reading the Personality Disorder article got me to wondering again but then I stopped myself. I know the issues I had were as a result of being treated the way I was. Our therapist asked me to think about what had happened before I responded the way I had that triggered my responses. Oh. She was right.

I kind of look at it this way. If you can ask yourself those kinds of questions, most likely the answer is NO, you are not cuz THEY sure have no ability to do that.

They have programmed part of our brains to think that it's our fault. Intellectually we can understand that, but I think emotionally it's very difficult to erase that programming so we have that underlying fear to deal with. Smack it down when it rears up its ugly head!


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
notworthless
♀ Member
Member # 18943
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is is possible to have a WS who is both cerebral and somatic narcissist at the same time? Or are they always one or another? Any thoughts on this?


I will survive....

Posts: 1154 | Registered: Apr 2008
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Notworthless, I've wondered about this too. I read that the cerebrals can be very somatic when they're looking around for a new source of supply and/or after a very traumatic event (image damage). He was when we dated. A few days before the wedding he went cerebral on me.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron, I went into the relationship with issues, but from the opposite direction. I was classified as DD, NOS as a teenager -- simply put, I experienced an emotional betrayal and I started hearing voices, which were really just the different aspects of my own personality. I stopped hearing them when I matured and could finally handle the ambiguity on my own.

I was raised by a narcissist and a passive-aggressive; my narcissist mother has improved her behavior in general, but some of her behaviors have gotten to be more "out there." My grandmother is still very narcissistic and keeps everyone in the family hopping with her demands. So I knew how to deal with narcissists: it was always going to be my fault, I would be made to jump through hoops too tiny for chihuahuas and too high for kangaroos, and I had a built-in failsafe: I had a personal and family history of mental illness, so I always second-guessed myself, anyway. I was perfectly trained to live with a narcissist, and it has still driven me to do things and go down paths that I never went to when I was hearing voices. I'd love to live normal for a change.

(((bob))) I do think that you have done all you can, and it's time to let the GAL take over. It is horribly unfair -- my 12-year-old nephew spent the weekend in a hotel room with one of his friends while his mother went out and partied with her new boyfriend. My brother is supposed to have right-of-first-refusal; Motel 6 got him instead because she didn't want my brother to "know her business." They should look at things like that VERY seriously; your baby mama is far worse, and in a better world, not even a perfect world, this would be over but for the signing.

[This message edited by veritas at 4:56 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Out, I understand that bit about just asking the question of ourselves. Then, I start to think"well, I know they do not question themselves. So, maybe i am faking asking these questions, so as to fool myself and others." It's nuts. I never felt so confused in my life. Tons of chasing one's own tale.
I seldom reacted hostliy to this crap. Just took it. But, after the 3rd dousing, when i was clothed and getting ready to play golf with her dad. I did grabe her by the arm and bring her to the sink where I douse her back with a glass of cold water> My adrenaline was cranked. It was so unexpected(the dousing occured when she called me over requesting a hug before i go. She had a glass of cold water concealed behind her back and , when i embraced her. poured it down my back. I could not even recognize what it was. Felt like i was on fire or an electric shoc was going though me.)
I had had it with these repeated dousings by then.
I understand that we, eventually, react out of character. I think the BPD website i read refers to it as "picking up fleas" from the disordered.
I am a peaceful guy. I have a steady job and was good to my wife and kids> I get along with everyone. But, I could do nothing right. She would question whether my son with Down Syndrome and Autism from my first marriage, would have been higher functioning, if I had raised him better. I took my son to every therapy known to man and enrolled him in the best programs. he is severely handicapped and nothing worked allthat well. But, as with everything else, it was my fault he was not at the pinnacle for Down syndrome/autistic kids. EVERYTHING was ALWAYS my fault. How is that possible?

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
teacher
♀ Member
Member # 16770
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not possible that everything was your fault. You're not questioning yourself, are you.

I did something so out of character for me one night. WH said something so wrong it made me crazy. We had just opened a really nice bottle of merlot. I threw my glass of wine all over him and most of the kitchen. NPD had to paint the kitchen the next day, Gave him something to do since he had stopped working since the discovery of his most recent A.


Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay 7/14/05
Married since 73
Divorcing

Posts: 400 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Northern Kentucky
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron, as Teacher says, it's not possible everything is your fault. You're just battling that programming. I think we all do it. It's classic and it is their goal that we do that. I know I'm not perfect and there are things I could have done better, but I just keep repeating what the therapist told me and here it is for you. "It's not you. It's important that you know that."

Man, she sounds wicked vicious with that glass of water stunt. Now that's just not normal--not playful but vicious. Was she trying to goad you into hitting her?
She was definitely trying to create drama.

Picking up fleas. I like that saying. A lot of my fleas abandoned me after he left. It had gotten so bad that I had physical ailments that simply vanished with him.

You get so beaten down, you don't know what to think anymore.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
Balancing Act
♀ Member
Member # 19047
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH Teacher!!!

Tell me - how did that feel, to throw your wine on him??

When I confronted my WH we were at a restaurant and he had a large margarita, and I had a glass of water in front of me. As I stood up and said to him, "we're done here." I took a glance at my big, full glass of ice water and his full margarita and came "this" close to grabbing one of them and just throwing the liquid all over him. I wanted to do it, people tell me I should have done it, but I didn't.

Let me live vicariously through you...was it wonderful??


Me - BS....living a wonderful new beginning and giving love another chance

Tulsa Area Coffee Buddy


Posts: 2443 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: in the middle, somewhat elevated
teacher
♀ Member
Member # 16770
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was very empowering. I was always a lot afraid of my H, but afer his A I turned into a different person. I took a stand and decided I wouldn't put up with his shit anymore. However, the only bad part was our daughter showed up just as NPD was mopping his face and the walls. EEK!


Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay 7/14/05
Married since 73
Divorcing

Posts: 400 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Northern Kentucky
OutFromUnder
♀ Member
Member # 19061
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teacher, I wish I could have done something like this. It would be empowering. I think I would feel better now. I feel robbed of the chance to preserve my self-respect by telling him it was over. He lied about cheating the whole time and I found out 3.5 years after the divorce. (I'm good at practicing the no contact rule. )

However, since I did find out it's reopened old wounds, and I'm really ticked at being cheated of the chance to say, "Get out now. I've had it." I don't need this anger now.

[This message edited by OutFromUnder at 7:12 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2008
teacher
♀ Member
Member # 16770
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Out from under,
Don't feel bad about anything. We were doing the best we could at the time. Let the past be the past and move on to a new and improved future!.


Me: BS
Him: WS
DDay 7/14/05
Married since 73
Divorcing

Posts: 400 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: Northern Kentucky
Ron7127
♂ Member
Member # 10145
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wel, then I guess I feel better about retaliating with my own littlw dousing and I did tell her to get out when she had no remorse and would not even admit the affair(I had a PI bust her and her phone records were ridiculos(300 calls a month to the guy-while we were on vacation; from her grandmother's house while we were at Thanksgiving; 2 and 3 AM calls etc. She was just flat out busted.))
And, intellectually I know, with her sordid history, she is the disorderd one.
I asked my therapist if I had a disorder. He laughed and said my problem was the opposite- a low sense of entitlement. No one would have put up with this so long. So, that is what i am working on.
I also asked him if the marriage could have been saved had I stood up to her and this abuse earlier. He said no way. It just would have ended sooner(which would have been good) as once you set boundaries with these folks, they lok elsewhere for their source of narcissistic supply.
So, I'm out, fairly sane, held onto my job and my kids love me. I could tell hooror stories for days but folks that have dealt with this know what this is like. Thanks, Ron.

Posts: 2273 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Minnesota
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holding your tongue & reactions, and giving them nothing is hard to do.
There's a 'tension' that builds & too often spills.
It's virtually impossible to 'be nothing'.

I found it easier to control when I put 'nothing' into something -
the tension becomes less of a factor-
That 'something' I concentrate on & 'put myself into' -
is a boring person.

You'll be harder pressed to stifle laughter, actually, when you see its effect on N, as they desperately at first - then after a time, resignedly give up,

seeking NS from you.

It's about freaking time we started using what we know, ya think?

[This message edited by jjct at 8:04 PM, April 16th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My N is both cerebral/somatic...depending on his bipolar state.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
veritas
♀ Member
Member # 3525
Default  Posted: 10:39 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron, your therapist is absolutely right. It will always be your fault -- but only if you're dealing with a narcissist. Mine left in a huff to go to bed early last night -- why? Because I bought some Tide in the bottle with the spout top. The spout top is apparently messy and horrible. When I pointed out that I never noticed it because I always rinse the cap out, he went ballistic over how that was stupid work, and he never wanted to do stupid work. I just sat there while he got madder and madder about the Tide bottle. What I didn't point out was 1) he didn't notice that we had had that bottle for two weeks because he never does laundry and 2) he has his own bathroom where he stockpiles said laundry on the floor; if he actually brought his clothes into the laundry room, he might never have noticed it because his laundry would have been done and 3) HE was the one who made the top messy because he put it upright instead of leaving it like it was. It's a sick kind of fun to watch him scream and yell over laundry detergent.


Actions unmask what words disguise.
Love many; trust few; and always paddle your own canoe.
When you win, you teach; when you lose, you learn.

Posts: 10164 | Registered: Feb 2004
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an Asshat, veritas!

He's very lucky you did not blow your cool & give him an impromptu Tide bath!


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
bobelina
♂ Member
Member # 15312
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, April 16th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Veritas)))
Would you mind if I kicked his ass for what he does to you and the kids? LOL.

Tell him I'm on my way !!! LOL.

BoB


Mean People Suck (Especially Narcissists)

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Over the Hills and Far Away...
itsabattle
♀ Member
Member # 13036
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ron - you said something about it always being your fault when dealing with an npd freak. That is so true! I was responsible for everything...and as long as I know that everything is just fine!
After therapy I can clearly see that I am only responsible for my own issues - not his. This is a good place to find myself. I have/am letting go of the issues he dumped on me. Like everyone else in the world I have insecurities and he used them against me. It would be very difficult to be a twisted as my freak.
In terms of throwing a glass of wine over the freak - I intend to do better than that. When the risk of his bankrupcy can no longer effect me I intend to let all of his debtors know the ow's address. How is that for sweet revenge? Now I know I should turn the other cheek and all of that but in this one area of my life I fully intend to make him responsible for his actions. Some may define that as revenge! You never know in 18 months time when I can take this course of action I may feel differently. Not!
Bob - I think you are doing a great job with your dds and it is almost impossible for you to deal with your ex. Whatever this GAd thing is I am sure it will help. I don't know what the equivalent is in the UK...
Vee - your freak is such a freak! I admire your self-restraint.

Posts: 1233 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: england
lied2
♀ Member
Member # 1807
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, April 17th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Veritas I can only imagine how freaky it would be to watch him loose it over a bottle of detergent. God forbid that he actually had to do his own laundry.

It is pretty much like my ex make a huge stink over me asking for his address and phone number. He is hissy fitting about the phone number saying that it is in her name (good to know, now I can get that and the address for information) so he won't give it to me. Ya whatever.

Reasonable, responsible behaviour is beyond them it seems.

Pull up a chair and watch is about the only way to deal with it (or walk away). If you engage at all it sends them further off the deep end.


The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. It is astro turf.

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Posts: 8196 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.