Good job Shirley!
Ok FSA, go for it. Have fun!
I am turning in for the night. When I wake up, this place had better be done.
Decorate away while I'm gone.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
You go to sleep now and dream about how you have wronged me. Shame shame on you.
Ummmmm....technically you tied! Exact same time!!!!
Now I can go party knowing that I helped find FSA a place to decorate!
eta: FSA - look at the time, you were both exactly 4:52! Great minds think alike. Now, I have literally two minutes...what's the theme?
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 4:56 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)]
I want lots and lots of windows. Plenty of sunshine to make us feel warm and cozy. White curtains and furniture since the kids can't come in here. Hard wood floors with plenty of thick rugs in every color. The walls......I think I'll keep them a light color too. Maybe a real pale yellow. Can you tell that I'm ready for spring? Oh and we'll need lots and lots of throw pillows to match all the rugs. And I want the windows open with a nice breeze blowing in and making the curtains float around. And since I'm totally lazy I want these scantly dressed gorgeous men waiting by the door to take care of our ever beck and call.
Now....I have to go to church
[This message edited by Feeling so alone at 5:02 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)]
I'm tired. I just get so extremely tired of this fight. Not fighting with H. Just fighting with living with the LTA. Once again I want that lobotomy. Something, anything that will make it go away and leave me alone.
I want to make a few additions to our new home.
How about a steam shower, an infrared sauna, a big hot tub, a fire pit and palm trees waving in a soft breeze.
How does that sound?
And the yellows, greens, creams and rose are totally my colors. And I love wood floors and pillows.
Have a great week and remember that recovering from a lta is a slow process. Take your time and breathe and do very nice things for yourselves.
[This message edited by no mor surprises at 9:53 PM, November 14th (Friday)]
fsa, great job and no mor's additions. Perfect..!!!!!
I wish I could join no mor in meeting the two other LTA goddesses this week but I have a prior commitment.
Just wanted to toss into the mix of the "lashing out" problem....here is what we have established to thwart things getting out of control.
When I need/want to "talk or re-visit" something..I preface it with saying. "Let's make this civil. I promise I won't lose it, if you can promise to stay with me....without wanting to run or clam up."
Also mutually promising that it will end in a reasonable time frame.
Most times, it works.
But, honestly.... it took quite a long time to reach this point of enforced civility.
However I have to be honest with all my sisters here....
Valentines Day (D-Day)is really, really tough for me right now. I know it is stupid and inconsequential in the whole scope of all that has happened....but it does hurt and fuel a big load of resentment.
Why that day of all days....???
Anyway....on to our 9th edition of LTA.
When no mor and I met recently, we both agreed that our thread here is a virtual gold-mine for lurking therapists wanting to learn how to treat LTA's.
I did receive my copy of "Steering Clear".........
Believe it.....This is a VERY good book. It delineates EXACTLY what a former cheater (and their betrayed) needs to hear and understand..
Cowgirl, I think of you every time I read anything about HPV and its ramifications.
[This message edited by numb and scared at 7:32 PM, February 3rd (Sunday)]
Had a wierd conversation with H today--this might be TMI--we were talking about how he cycles in and out of depression and interest in sexual things--made the comment that he feels sometimes that he disqualified himself from pursuing enjoyment with sex anymore cuz of what he did (fortunately, this is a cycle for him, otherwise his not pursuing sex would mean me not enjoying any sex and thank god that's not the case during his more up cycles!)
We also discussed the years before the infidelity started and I said I remember going through some perimenopause things, both physical and mental, and he was having some ED problems and we didn't talk about it at all, big mistake!
Now I've gotten over that and am interested and responsive again, despite all the shit from the LTA which interferes sometimes with my mental state. H made the comment that he feels I've made a much better adjustment than he has, have done much better in dealing with stuff despite my devastation--inside I had to laugh. I know he appreciates how awful and life changing this experience has been for me, but to me it's funny that he thinks I've done better at it all than I think I have.
Of course, I credited all the support and advice from SI
and the LTA forum--and it's true. As bad as I feel sometimes, I know whatever changes or adjustments or realizations I've made have come about because of the wisdom and ideas and give and take among the members of this thread.
Of course part of me inside said, I haven't adjusted well at all--don't bet on it--I'm still a basket case--but I guess I'm really not, at least all the time. Actually feel a little uplifted cuz of that perception H has--just wish he could make the same adjustment. He's working on it.
However, I will probably be lashing out again soon since we have another OC visit coming up--we'll see. But for now, I actually might get out and look for one of those Valentine cards you guys were talking about.
(((((((((NAS)))))))))))) Sending you support.
I've definitely had my moments of lashing out at H. I try to retreat when I feel it coming on, write out my feelings and then approach H later with the real "nut" of the matter.
But sometimes, I really want to lay into him. Sigh.
I've asked for a punching bag and gloves. I want to share my story in the LTA book. And I am still looking for various ways to effect change -- change in the CS system -- asking for this type of situation to be looked at differently so that COM are not slighted. Looking for a way to sue the state that the ho bitch filed in -- they discriminated against the COM -- financially and with regards to benefits and inheritance.
I keep thinking ... if I can help someone in this situation ... help them feel better, know what their rights are, get their feet under them ... and maybe take my anger at the injustice of it all ... well, maybe I will feel that this had a purpose. That there was some kind of reason to have this pain brought into my heart.
FSA, you did it! I love your theme. The place does seem so soothing and airy and cosy at the same time. Thanks.
That there was some kind of reason to have this pain brought into my heart.
It just never ceases to amaze me the generosity and compassion of the Spirits we find here on SI!
People here have suffered and endured so much, and they still want to help and support the next person.
Awesome. Just awesome.
Hugs to those who are struggling with this stoopid Vday.It will be over soon. Maybe we should all book a spot on Unicorn's cruise ship for that week?
Nas, I will try to use your civil approach. I start out thinking that I am ok, I can handle this, I can be calm and logical and fairly non confrontational. Then BAM! Before I know it, we are both hissing horrible things at each other, and ...
There is no excuse for my behaviour. I should know better. I DO know better. I DO expect better from myself.
Thats what I am going to focus on.
I am meeting a Sister in an hour or so. DD wasnt feeling too well this morning, and I am praying that the school doesnt call up for me to bring her home. Please let her be ok till after my meetup!
I know thats so selfish of me, but these opportunities are so rare. Bad mummy!
I try to keep up with the posting, but never manage. You guys post so much
Cutting the final ties with my xW now, she's started dating, and I've found someone.
It is time to move on, 12 years with some regrets, but at least I leave knowing I was happy, not sure that she ever was.
"The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning." - Craig Harper
Looks like a bleek week here. Rain called for 4 days. But I'm going out tomorrow without fail! Nervous and excited.
Not a great weekend here. Didn't do a single thing JUST for me. Although we had a nice time at the superbowl party at his sisters.
However, someone made the "hell of a catch" comment about him again to which I couldn't respond. There was some delay and the ass said "you know I am." I just wish I could meet up with that woman who said it and "thank" her for that one.
I'm going to book MC this week, even though we agreed to next Friday. I know he heard me about not bringing up things from the past... that it's ok for him, but not for me? So now I want to know if he's just not going to say anything (like me) to avoid conflict, or he's really "got it".
I'm going to write out the card if I get some private time today.
But off to take DD to work, so I'll be back.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I would like to request a workout room in the new digs. Maybe I'd be motivated to stick to my exercise goals if I had company.
Joe, I read your letter to your X in general. It was beautiful and very poignant. Your new lady is very lucky to have such a thoughtful person in her life. I'm sorry it took such pain to get you there, but you sound like a hell of a guy.
ETA: if there is a better time for a tribal toast, somebody point it out. Or maybe we could even convince Cowgirl to set us up another phone call?
[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 10:03 AM, February 4th (Monday)]
BT - 4pm on Valentines Day? I will try to make it but that is in the middle of the time that I call "driving the bus" which is shuttling the 3 DDs to all their after-school activities. However, I will probably need to emotional support as it looks like my H is going to be out of town on business.
Joe, I'll go read your letter, but BT is right. I already think you're a helluva guy.
And yet again I was dumbstruck by what these LTA BW are like. Picture a long leggy blonde beautifully put together...and she is intelligent and passionate as well!! WTF was idiotic WH thinking??
Ukgirl, it was truly wonderful meeting you, and I hope that you come down South again, so we can arrange a meet with our other LTA London Sisters.
BT, a Tribal Toast!Thats a great idea. 4pm (my 9pm)is good for me. Shirley, I will most prob be on earlier on in the day, so we could "chat" then.
Btw, last night was a hoot wasnt it?
Joe, I also read your letter to XWW. YOu seemed to have learnt some tough lessons which I am sure will bear you well in the next stage of your life journey. All the best.
It is time to move on,
Wishing you the very best in the future.
You did survive.....even if your M didn't.
4 PM it is, thx for the idea....comforting to think we all will be in sync.
I also vote a big yes on the workout room. Yes, group motivation would go a long way for me too.
I start out thinking that I am ok, I can handle this, I can be calm and logical and fairly non confrontational. Then BAM! Before I know it, we are both hissing horrible things at each other, and ...
Yes, unfortunately, that is how it can go.
Problem is, with a LTA, you start out a dialogue with one or two issues...but the nature of the LTA beast is truly an octopus. So many tangents are swirling around, it is so easy to digress and get distracted by yet another "arm" of it all, when YEARS are involved.
I should have mentioned that the other rule we try to honor is that we stick to the original topic. If something else pops up (and they usually do), that is tabled for another time. But he has to promise that he will not balk at that "other" time if it is still an issue with me.
Life and talks with our spouses shouldn't have to be run like polite business negotiations...especially when you had no say in the dissolution of the old contract...but now have to negotiate the new one.
Yet another unavoidable remnant of infidelity.
[This message edited by numb and scared at 10:18 AM, February 4th (Monday)]