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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I keep saying the same thing but I go away for 2 days and I am overwhelmed with the number of posts.
I am enjoying the book titles and thought I'd give it a go - I was thinking of all the self-help books out there and thought this one might be found in self-help section for OW.
"The OW's Guidebook to Healing the Slut Inside."

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 6:47 PM, February 17th (Sunday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fnf,

"The OW's Guidebook to Healing the Slut Inside."

Ohhhh........Spot On....!!!!


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Starting Steering Clear yesterday. You know the second chapter when he list the "dangerous characteristics"? Well, guess who has EVERY SINGLE ONE!!! Yes, my H. aaaaagggghhhhhhhhh! I will list them for anyone who is interested just let me know.

ETA: sorry I am a hog today...have some free time and love to chat!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 11:48 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - I loved that Grand Canyon story. It was a real hoot! I'm printing that one out for every time I need a good laugh.
As for vices - WINE, WINE, WINE!!! I was a little worried there in the beginning - thought I might be slipping into addiction but I needed it to numb the pain and it is effective. I prefer a dry, red wine but hell, any one will do when the need arises. (Except of course sweet wines - just don't like them.)
My other addiction is SI - LTA forum . No matter where I am or what I'm doing if I'm not on here I am wondering what is going on, who is needing a hug, who is sharing a funny poem, story or joke. I am annoyed if I come home and my H is on the computer - doesn't he know I need to check on my SI friends?
I now prefer being here instead of being with my friends IRL - it's weird but I know you all understand. We can't really get them to understand us. Just like LostHeart said, her BF doesn't understand why she's still there but we do. Others think we're crazy, maybe they think we're weak or have self-esteem issues but we know that it's about preserving our families and the need to give our M's a serious attempt to succeed. We also know, thanks to those like BT and OTC, and others that R can and does happen and that our M's can be better if we are both willing to do the work.
So, if I really want to make my day complete, I pour myself a great big glass of my favorite red wine and sit at the computer and chat with my SI buddies. Now that is a good evening.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
DOH!  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS, Oh yes please do list them. Also have to confess to sharing your love of wine, and like FNF i'm addicted to this forum and SI.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS - I'd love to see the list if it's not too much trouble. I've tried to find the book at our local bookstores but I guess I'll have to order it on-line.
Weepy - maybe if I order mine today we can start that book club. I'd love that! I've always found that everyone gets something a little different out of a book and I love to hear other opinions. My H hates to read (unless it's the financial or sports pages of the newspaper). He would never read this with me. That's ok - I'll make sure he hears the parts that I think he might identify with.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry I am a hog today...have some free time and love to chat

Don't you just love days like this when we can sit here and chat? I have to leave in an hour so I'm enjoying my time here and getting anxious since I don't want to leave. Don't even mention how many things are not getting done around this house. I could give FSA some real dust bunny competition today.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny book title.

Sorry to interrupt the fun.

Any advice for a very struggling newb today. WS is being super foggy and sent text messages to OM Monday to which he did not respond. Has been treating me lousy and I do not know what to do. I am very weak today. Feel a bit hopeless.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hefty, not a good day for me either. Been lurking and reading and absorbing good vibes from in here. Share a hug with me? (((((hefty)))))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty and UKgirl - Just wanted to send some extra hugs to you both. These bad days are tough to get through but trust me, there are good days ahead. I am sorry that I have to leave for a while but I'll be thinking of you both and hoping I can find some words of wisdom to offer you when I return. (((Hefty & UKgirl)


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the list of "dangerous characteristics" from Steering Clear:
1. Basic Selfishness
2. Living in Fantasy
3. Boredom and Lack of Purpose
4. High Risk-Taking
5. Having to Have It All (I call this entitlement but that is not used in the book).
6.Being soft on oneself and hard on others.
7. Pride and low self-esteem: the paradox.

The book goes into an explanation of each of these with some examples but I think you guys get the idea.

As I said, my H exhibited ALL of these in spades before. These are the characteristics he was working on with his IC and through his own self-reflection before we even heard about this book. Scary!

BTW, we had to order the book, wasn't in any of the small or box bookstores around us.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long distance hug ((UKgirl)).

Damn this LTA BS sucks. I hate our spouses sometimes for hurting us so bad. It is just not fair!

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 12:46 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Sham)))) So sorry you are here, but just absorb the advice of others that they have so eloquently written. You will have daily advice here, if not directed toward you, toward someone else. You can find your own pearls to carry with you.

Mind is gone, yes, we are all sisters to one another. The ones who give us the advice that we need and where we can always turn to. So glad that this is happening for you.

Hefty, and others, all I can say is take care of yourself. I think you can run these LTA events over and over in your mind, hoping for a different outcome, but it is in the past. There is nothing that you can do to change what has happened. As for you and today, you can control that portion of your life. That is the piece you have to grab. If just for today, be the person that you want to be as if none of this had ever happened. It may only start out for a few minutes, but gradually that piece of you will begin to grow.

Until d-day #2, I didn't realize how much self growth I had undergone. I didn't see the strength I was building. For me, it was returning to normal, but only pieces of me. I didn't accept that it was ALL of me. I challenged my progress, I reviewed regrets in my mind, I longed for a different outcome. I didn't want the affair to ever have happened. After the second d-day, I realized that I had stared down the LTA fears for so long that when they revisited, I wasn't frightened any longer. I used to question whether or not the affair had broken my spirit, but I realized that it was a ridiculous question. We are much stronger than we realize. We not only get through this, we get through this as a much stronger person than you could have ever imagined yourself to be. But, YOU have to recognize that strength....no one else can do that for you.


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Zanny)))

"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty (and others that have a recent dday) I just came across a book I ordered a while back called First Aid for the Betrayed by Richard Alan. It's written by a man of his own experience as well as many others he has met and interviewed. Now, his wife did not have a LTA but it did go on for some time. I do think this was a good book as it deals with the very raw pain you're feeling right now. I highly suggest it. Also, are you in IC Hefty?

Numb - That's muuuuuuch better. Of course I prefer the titles with violence in them.


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

O.K. who put the camera at my office??? Ya'll have been talking all morning behind my back. Shame shame.

A book title.......

A murder non-mystery??

I Know What You Did Last Summer and the Summer Before That and the Summer Before That and the Summer Before That and Now You Will Pay

or a "how too" book

How to Identify a Body That Had no Dental Records

UK and Hefty, sorry you're having a bad day. But remember that laughter is the best medicine, try some if you can.

LH looooved the stores!!!

FNF are you and your dust bunnies pals? I've made mine into real pets. That way they seem to belong there. And they require very little care or feeding.

Better at least look like I'm doing some work. Check back later.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Ukgirl and hefty)))))

Hefty,

Best advice I can give you is to do "something"..today....for you.

Hefty, Break your pattern, today, while you are in so much agony.
Call a friend and meet up for dinner. Stop at a mall and people watch.....go the gym if you have one....catch a movie, yes alone.(I did that just to be somewhere not to think).....get take-out and find a serene place to park or take a long walk. Something..anything...

That quicksand of watching the WS stuck in the fog in a terrible place to be.
Force yourself to break out today....if only for a bit, to get some fresh air in your soul.

((UKGirl)))
Special hugs...

[This message edited by numb and scared at 1:00 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heftysmurf:

How long are you willing to give her to stop the contact? How much more of this can you, or are you willing to, endure.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where'd everybody go.

How about a chapter title out of "The ow's Beauty Book"

"How To Remove Those Bothersome Tire Tracks From Between Your Eyebrows"

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I cannot take anymore contacts. Probably the bigger thing is I cannot handle the treatment anymore. She treats me like crap. Aaarg what did I do to deserve this? I loved her like crazy and still have a good chucnk of love for her. She throws it away. Hefty not feeling too hefty right now.

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 1:44 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
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