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Newest Member: Depressed4ever (43230)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty not feeling too hefty right now.
Hefty what ARE you doing right now? Can you get out and find something to do that you enjoy. At least give it a try.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chatting with the LTA tribe helped big time.
I would be happy grabbing a nap. I am at work for another half an hour. Thanks to you I made it through.

I am a bit better and my weepiness is leaving me a bit. I am starting to clear up a bit. I know what I should do at this point. Focus on me and my happiness for a minute.

I just wish we could get to some sort of R stage. I am looking at my daughters picture and praying she can have a Mommy and Daddy in the same house as a family. I just know I am nearing the end of my ropes and cannot go much longer not being in R. Too much pain. Limbo land with new hurts sucks.

Why is is so hard for my spouse to commit to our family? All that should matter for our DD sake.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Zanny.
Until d-day #2, I didn't realize how much self growth I had undergone. I didn't see the strength I was building. For me, it was returning to normal, but only pieces of me. I didn't accept that it was ALL of me. I challenged my progress, I reviewed regrets in my mind, I longed for a different outcome. I didn't want the affair to ever have happened. After the second d-day, I realized that I had stared down the LTA fears for so long that when they revisited, I wasn't frightened any longer. I used to question whether or not the affair had broken my spirit, but I realized that it was a ridiculous question. We are much stronger than we realize. We not only get through this, we get through this as a much stronger person than you could have ever imagined yourself to be. But, YOU have to recognize that strength....no one else can do that for you.

There's something in here that made me feel ..well i'm not sure what really but i know it's important so i've copied it to reread. It does seem that you are in a different place altogether now. ( from a longtime lurker ) I hope so.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The trick is to get your H to read it too

nas, there isn't a magician good enough to make that happen. I got him the Carnes books when he was completed "messed up about sex" (his words). He hid it "from the kids". I started reading the EU book to him because he hates to read. Then we never had enough "alone" time to do it.

You know I really thought I was doing better on conveying my needs, what I wanted out the M, having opinions.

I mean before I just took whatever. Even my first IC said I needed to lower my expectations of what he would/could accomplish.

ANd I asked why? Why settle for a sexless marriage. Why settle for waiting in the background while someone else made all the decisions and then blamed you when they didn't work out. So I stepped up and started speaking.

Apparently THAT's not the way out of this dance either.

So my new attitude.... I will not stoop to betraying myself, humiliating myself just for sex. I will not go down that same road.

He wants me, then we will TALK about it. I'm done being his "convenience".

hefty, you and I seem so much alike. I was Soooo in love with my H. He was everything to me. I could barely breathe without his ok. When he showed me some kindness, I was as giddy as a little girl. And I died inside every time he turned on me.

Don't do it. Don't. Get your mad up. When I felt like you, it was either lay in bed and cry or clean. My bathroom used to shine. I would go out for runs. One night it was like 5 degrees and I couldn't even stand being on the same planet with him and I left. Walked around the block for an hour until I couldn't feel my feet. It didn't fix anything, but it gave me a break. And no one is outside on a freezing night to hear my screams and sobs. Very cathartic.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are much stronger than we realize. We not only get through this, we get through this as a much stronger person than you could have ever imagined yourself to be.

Damn straight!


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty I strongly suggest the 180.
From a woman's perspective. I can get real upset with my H and give him a tough time. But anytime he stands up and stands his ground I tend to back up some. I WANT a man that will set me straight so to speak. I WANT a man that will take care of me. Maybe if you tried a little 180 she would take notice. I'm not saying to fake a 180. I'm talking about a change from within yourself. Quit waiting for her to make you happy. You can find some happiness on your own. And if she sees that, maybe she'll want to join in.
Plan on getting out and doing something that you love to do. Maybe an activity with DD and you dont necessarily have to invite your W. Try to go out and live a little. What have you got to lose?
I know it's hard. I didn't do it either.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My vice is Meyers Dark Rum and diet coke. Gotta watch the calories. My weight has fluctuated since Dday. I lost about 15lbs. right after, but I seem to have put it back on again. This after I lost about 30lbs. a few years ago right before his A started. Go figure. H was convinced I was having an A because I finally lost some weight I had put on during DD's pregnancy and couldn't seem to get rid for a number of years after. Now I'm back to needing to lose about 15 - 20lbs. again. Arrrgh.


@ the jokes and the book titles. Mine would be something like Weekday Social Worker, Weekend Sex Therapist.

Good vibes to those having a rough time, and welcome to some more new folks. Sorry you find yourselves here. It will get better.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i was reading the recap of today's oprah and wanted to share this with the tribe..

victimization has a boomerang effect. "The more victimized you were, the more powerful you become,"


Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In order to keep myself from completely hogging today AND to get the heck away from SI (to which I am definitely addicted), I took the dog for a very long walk. During the walk, it hit me. We are all sitting around, typing about how we want to work out, exercise, etc. but obviously can't do it while typing! Soooo, how about this idea? If you are addicted to SI, you have to do one part of your daily workout BEFORE you can post again. You get a free pass first thing in the morning to check, if you must, but then you must do whatever (walk, run, elliptical, yoga, pilates, situps, etc) before you can post again. AND, when you post you have to let the tribe know what you did!!! What do y'all think? Maybe we can combine a desire for exercise with an addiction to SI to actually get some results.

Off to do some lunges!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

victimization has a boomerang effect. "The more victimized you were, the more powerful you become,"

In that case, the LTA Tribe should have super powers.

I have an elliptical machine right behind me, Shirley. I can hop on and off. I've also got two dogs that need walking, and our weather is finally getting drier here so I'm hoping to get busy doing that as well.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty, go back and read FSA's post to you. I think she is absolutely dead on.

Your wife needs to see that you respect yourself enough not to put up with her crappy treatment before she is likely to change. Remember, a LTA WS has treated their BS like shit for years. That is their normal. It is up to a BS to let the WS know that there is a new normal and you will not accept shit anymore.

Note: I am not telling you to bang your chest like Tarzan and act like a neanderthal. But I am telling you to stop allowing her to treat you like crap. Remove yourself from the situation when she does that.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shirley, I do that... I post first thing when I get up, usually answering my PMs. Then I go to the gym, then back on here.

I told H I was going to the gym this morning and he says "that's 3 days in a row, you know, you shouldn't be doing this every day." Way to support me H! I told him I knew what I was doing and to leave me alone. He said he wouldn't be there to help me if my back went out again... like he was a big help the first time!

I'm now convinced that if I lose the weight, the back problems will disappear like they did before, so, tonight I'm making a white meat chicken and rice casserole with brocolli on the side.

H should be cutting out of work any time now so I'm backing out. May be back later for some fortification before I go up to bed.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

35 minute walk with dog earlier.
20 lunges
15 squats
just getting going....

Steelergal - I'm going to have super powers and a super butt!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've also got two dogs that need walking, and our weather is finally getting drier here so I'm hoping to get busy doing that as well.
Steelergal wassup with waiting for the weather to walk the pups? We're in the middle of a freaking blizzard and I did 2 miles with the pupster today! And I'm staying faithful to the two meal replacement shakes and light snacks for the day. GOD I WANT A FREAKING PIZZA!!!!!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, I went out with the dog again, did more squats, more lunges and did curls and I come back to .....

NOTHING???!!!

Okay, either you guys are sooooooo lazy that you would rather lurk than post and admit you haven't done anything OR it is the arsenic hour and everybody else is doing what they should be (cooking dinner, etc) and I am feeding my SI addiction. What about the Brits? Can't you do a few situps and then post?

E: one hour later you people are hopeless. What did I do? Do I have to chat with myself now?

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 5:03 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi shirls!! Im here just!

Okay. Today nothing. A pit day. No gym, no dog walk (sorry Hols), no nothing. Just general clearing up and over to friend tomorrow. DS3s gf 18th bday today. She lives in village outside our town, sooooo, shes here tonight. A sweetie. Too good for my DS who takes after his dad in tooooo many ways. A charmer. A real charmer. Back to those vices Buds, then red wine then southern comfort. And its only Wednesday. A slurred gnight and kisses to those hurting. I hate this shit. And hes a fuckwit And its only afternoon for some of you!! Oh well, night night. xx


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awwwwww ((((((((((UKgirl)))))))))

And
((((((((((hefty))))))))))

Hefty- I do think FSA and BT are right- you need to stand up for yourself here. I have also read yours and your wife's posts in other forums and I think you guys need to find a new MC right away. Try and find one that specializes in infidelity. You aren't communicating effectively, and your WW won't leave the fog until you communicate and she understands the consequences of continued contact and poor treatment of you. You have a voice- use it. And, if she starts acting awful, walk away. Leave the house or room. Disengage from her. You also need to 180 her butt for a while.

Love the book titles!!!


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And zanny- wow! you are so amazing and inspiring.

Oh, HurtShirley- I had to comment about House....House night is family night at the UTC place, lol! The whole crew gets snacks and drinks and piles on the couch together to watch. You gotta love the whole Wilson and Cutthroat Bitch storyline! House, American Idol, and Scrubs are the only shows I seem to watch anymore.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She constantly says I push her away with anger.
Today before the angry hef came out I tried talking on a calm level. I am so ready to have non compative real conversations about things. I can easily do this. I want forward progress. Limbo land sucks. I was like "you need to decide if you want a full family with me and our daughter or another life. You need to decide quick and full force because I can take no more new hurts". Then I tried talking more about deep stuff and she clammed up. I even asked when would be a good time to talk. I get a lot of I do not know or whatever (my new most hated word).
I wish I could hypnotize her and she could see we could have the most beutiful life with our daughter 100% in each our lives. I fight so hard for her. Breaking up the family and 50% time each with her is not a good thing for us or her. I am willing to eat this sh*t sandwich for our DD if my wife would just meet me half way.
Aaarg infidelity sucks. Pain sucks. I could use a beer.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty - are you guys in MC?


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
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