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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks LH.
the best thing i did for myself was to join a gym. i know the gym can be intimidating at first... go anyway.

i too am a huge fan of the 180..it worked for me. i have to admit i did a modified 180 initially but dday 2 full force....total nc and THAT nc is what changed everything.

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

up2me, you mean you really went to the gym!
I thought you meant BT's gym in the next room.

Good for you!! Yes, it can be so intimidating the first few times. When I first started, I went at the really quiet times, so I didnt have to fear the surerbods.
After awhile, you start looking forward to it, and there is a certain high that you get that nothing else can beat!

I cant afford to go the gym at this time, but I cant wait till I can.

***
Mum, well said!
Your line about OW wanting to do the 180...laugh:
The only thing an active OW will accomplish with that would be a sense of decency, selfworth and and NO OP..so guess that would have been waaayyy off her books!

Your strength during that time is amazing Mum. When you should have been broken down, you were standing erect and strong and level headed...in fact being the only adult in that house.
Its truly awesome where the strength comes from when our families are under attack.

I have said this before, about how my IC and GP in Australia used to worry about me being so purposeful and levelheaded, when H was deep in the A fog, and treating us all like crap.I should have been having a nervous breakdown, totally crumbled.But the strength just comes, doesnt it?

I guess it is when we are starting to feel a little safe that we lose our legs. And I supposed the greater the trauma,the harder we had to hold it together, the more floored we are.

This is when we need our S's the most, but they cant seem to deal with it like we did, and we sometimes end up propping them up instead. Well thats how it is in my case. I know H wants to be there for me 100%, but unfort he cant..he doesnt know how to, and is finding hard enough to deal with his own issues, so I am more or less, alone inside.Except for my Tribe.


I digressed again, didnt I??

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 11:51 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the help yet again LTA tribe. :-) You are the best!

I need to help myself and will do my best. Must be a good heftysmurf for baby smurf :-)

I am left with one question. After fog lifting when did you know WS got back with really working on the M?

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 11:45 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After fog lifting when did you know WS got back with really working on the M?

Mmmm..tough one for me Hefty.
There were many times when I thought he had, but I was proven wrong.I dont know know if we are actively working on the M at the moment either.

We are each trying to sort out our own selves whilst relearning and rediscovering each other. We are learning how to love the other, to be civil and humane, how to co-parent,how to talk to each other..(is that working on the M?)... but our biggest challenge at this time is really our own FOO issues, IMHO.

Some of this happened a few months immed after dday (co-parenting), some after dday#2, some only very recently. Its a changing landscape in the LH household.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am left with one question. After fog lifting when did you know WS got back with really working on the M?

1-When you begin to feel it is an "us" effort, instead of you pulling all the weight.

2-When the sense of that minefield between you two begins to feel like solid, safe ground.

3- When you start to feel loved when it is said....rather than the sense that it is being said, because it is expected to be said.

4- When you notice your breathing changes back to normal when she is around.

5- When you see R as a good thing to do....instead of a rescue mission.

Hefty, I am sure many others in the tribe can point to others.
These are mine.

And I had to put a different flavor on ours.....Similar to Zanny's.

Because it took a while...a few false and skewed starts...
it is still a work in progress for both of us, but the homework section is on him now.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 12:53 PM, February 7th (Thursday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BUT do you think he said what he did to delib hurt you?

No, LH, I know he wasn't thinking about my weight when he said it. But by the same token, I wouldn't complain about having "so much hair I didn't know what to do with it" around him either. Because I KNOW he's sensitive about being almost bald. And I CONSTANTLY tell him how attractive he is to me... especially when he's feeling down and moping about the hair.

And I know it's really mean and spiteful, but I think about starting to look at guys with GREAT hair, you know tracking like he does with women?

He called me while I was at the post-funeral lunch complaining about one of his customers being a royal, can't please me bitch. I told him to turn on his charm, he knows how to work it with women. He said he tried "and you know I'm better than most at it" but he was getting no where. Man I want to meet this woman and shake her hand!

hefty

After fog lifting when did you know WS got back with really working on the M?

Since my situation is a little different in that I didn't bust him while the A was active, I knew something was different when he started investing in the family again... was very involved in our D's HS graduation, even though he'd ignored her for years. He bought 2 dirt bikes so he and our S could have an interest together. He had a harder time getting me back after so long though. But he invested $$$ in me at first.

He wasn't around any more than usual because the As were conducted while he was at work. But he wasn't escaping as often even at home. The video game playing stopped, he was doing actual work around here.

He just invested more of himself in the family and home than he had been.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all, I am going to be a bit spotty over the next few days. I have gone to my mom's house to help her out. She is going into the hospital tomorrow morning for what is supposed to be a routine surgery; however, it does involve general and that is always a litte dicey. I will be on and off today and not around much tomorrow.

BUT, I have spies watching you guys and only UP gets credit for posting after going to the gym. Who else did anything...come on...lemme hear ya.

I just got out of the car, checked in and am going for a long walk. Will be back...

BTW, Hefty, you are getting some incredible advice here. I hope you follow it.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<walks into empy echoing room>

Heeeelllloooo? I am going to bed early. Have to have my mom at the hospital at 6:30 for surgery which means leaving here around 5:30 am. Wishing all a good night and wondering where the hell everyone went.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,

Must be either a quiet night....or a not-so-quiet night....kwim.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and tell you prayers are coming to your Mom for a safe surgery and swift recovery.

hugs


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley- I'm adding my prayers to NAS's. When you get a chance, let us know how she is doing.

Does joining the gym count? I just joined our little local gym- now if only I can drag my lazy ass into it.........

Hefty- you sound much better today- I'm glad.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay- so the stoopid V-day is next week. For those who plan on doing anything, what are you doing?

Last year I went all out for WH- and he did.....nothing. It shattered me because I was in a really bad spot at the time and needed something from him. Just the effort would have been fine. He did feel horrible, especially since I had done so much, because he wasn't expecting it. He had planned a trip for us to Vegas the weekend after V-day and I guess we had actually said that was going to be our Valentines so we weren't gifting to each other. I forgot about it completely but was hurt anyway because my passive/aggressive self wanted him to read my mind and KNOW that he should do more.

So, this year, I really don't have it in me to do a lot. I've made plans for WH and I to get pedicures together in the morning (something he likes to do because he wants to do something with me) and arranged for a babysitter for our 3 y/o so we can go to lunch...alone. And that's it.

Anyone else?


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unable,
Maybe your H will surprise you this year. I'm curious though, how would you feel if he made a big fuss? I ask because although for 30 yrs we have never celebrated v-day cept with cards (hate all greeting cards now) my H has asked if he could plan a special date for us this year. I agreed because a)i'm curious to see what he'll come up with and b)because it was never a special day it won't be triggery ( i hope) and c) since he was never even remotely romantic i truly doubt OW even got to smell a card if he recieved a gift from her it was likely a BJ (she was locally known as BJ Betty) and he's certainly not likely to get one of those from me (card either for that matter)
Sorry if that's TMI and apologies to any Betties here.I guess this seems like i'm making light of something that's anything but, truth is i feel he owes me this and i am very curious.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

valentines day for me is about making sure my sons treat their sweeties well. my sons in turn quiz their father about his plans for me..not that i care so much for me but hey it's a societal thing step up and do the expected thing. jmho

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HS,

Prayers coming your way for your mom.

Unable,

We have no big plans for Vday, either. But it has never really been a big holiday for us, for whatever reason. Maybe because my H hates crowds.. and every restaraunt or romantic place is packed on VDay! Anyway, I'll be curious to see your update and those from the Tribe on what they do. I can live vicariously through ya'll...

Today was a weird day for me. I have had just such an internal struggle going on. Guys, I can't figure out if my H is triggering me or if I am holding onto negative stuff because I am afraid to truly move on. Something for me to ponder, but was wondering how everyone else who has hit the 2 year mark feels about this possibility. Did you guys go through this.... just wondering, not knowing and feeling like you have no clue about anything anymore. It's like the plain of lethal flatness, only more about me than FWH.

Alrighty, sending big hugs to Hefty and our other newbies struggling with the early devestation and challenges post dday. You guys WILL survive this. Hang tight.

Love you guys

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today was a weird day for me. I have had just such an internal struggle going on.
HB at least you were in good company, b/c I was right there with you today. I've had a couple of great days and then today I went down again. Not way way down just sad. And I'm almost to the two year mark, March 22nd. I'm just sad today b/c I wasn't special enough to my H for him to hold me up high enough to not do that. Does that make sense to ya'll. It saddens me that as an old woman I will not be able to look back and know that I had a R that NO ONE else could touch. Now I have to settle. Settle for what can be salvaged out of this M. Just a sucky day.

But hey, I'm o.k. Used to the ups and downs. When I'm up I'm just waiting for the fall down again. And when I'm down I know that's it's only a matter of time before I make it back up.

Guess I'll go throw myself a pity party. Boo Hoo Hoo for me.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, February 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Headed off to bed, catch up on some sleep, I hope.

Prayers for your mum shirley.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, Everythingís crossed for your Mum and her surgery. Hope itís not too invasive and she makes a good recovery. Btw, after heart surgery, my mum was out after just a week. Dad took her back to his hotel for that night before they went home and I spoke to her after sheíd had a lovely dinner - with a large glass of wine! Yeh! Good on ya, Mum!

VDay. FWH has asked me to wear my glad rags cos heís taking me out. After last year, (he tried giving me my rings back) Iím not sure about it. I donít want a stupid crying act again. I canít really do my usual disappearing act when avoiding significant dates, not if heís booked something. Iím not getting a card or anything. None of them are any good and I just look at them feeling a Mrs Bitterandtwisted, reading the sentiments inside with a sarcastic slant.

It's like the plain of lethal flatness, only more about me than FWH

HB, that just about sums me up at the moment. Still feeling down. So I guess Iíll lurk around for a few days and join FSA with her pity party.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

There must be something in the air. Quiet a few of us seem to be struggling.

Shirley, pray that your mum makes a speedy recovery too. If she is anything like her sassy, strong, resilient DD, I'll bet she will be out of there soon!
***

I looked at Nas's 5 points yesterday re. R, and I guess we are just not there yet, as I couldnt tick any of them...or at least, tick them for more than a week.
Sigh.

***

Unable, start off with just twice a week. Can you get a gymbuddy? I hate to sound like a fanatic, but there is just a wonderful feeling after a workout.Knowing that you are doing something for yourself, and you can see and feel it, KWIM?
And when you eat that slice of Devil's Food , you know that you earned it!

***

MIG, word of caution.H promised me the same thing last year...and I got nothing. I was beyond disappointed. I just went numb and bitter. Worse, he kept saying that we would celebrate in a week, then 2 weeks. I gave up after 3 months.

All I am saying is that try NOT to expect anything, so if anything happens, you will be pleasantly surprised.

***

not that i care so much for me

Uptome!! Care dammit! Dont be afraid to want for yourself.There is NOTHING wrong with that. And if we dont care, and they know we dont care, then they wont care.Then who is going to care for us?KWIM??JIMHO.
Hope your DS do advise their dad.

***

Today was a weird day for me. I have had just such an internal struggle going on.

HB and FSA...I am signing up for the pity party too.

I told IC yesterday that I feel like I am being pulled in every direction,and I dont know what to focus on. M issues, FOO issues, the kids mostly DS, my supposed career, H, my parents...
And I am in the middle with all this stuff swirling around me.All i want is to be left alone so I can sit here all day. I feel safe here. If I could, I would be here all day (yes, I know some smart alecs here think that I am already! )

Last night H and I had another go at that conversation, and it didnt go well again.

And I think, WTF am I doing? He will never get it. He will always resent me. He is INCAPABLE of loving me the way I want.Even when I am trying to own my shit with him, he still thinks I am blaming him, that I am making myself out to be the angel and him the villain.

And honestly, if he does change, he will never be what I want from a H.
And I will always be on guard with him. For I will never know whether he is faking or real.

IC said that I hate men. And since I do, I wont be able to enter into a love relationship with H. She said she also strongly believes that H hates women..so...

FSA, I think I am already turning into that bittertwisted old woman.

***
Coming back to Vday.
Nothing planned here. He WILL not hurt me again! Pity i dont drink.
Nevermind, I plab to be here at my 9pm to raise my glass (mango/orange/banana smoothie) with BT.Who else is joining us??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, my sources tell me that there are a few others not doing so well this week.

((((LTATribe))))

What can we do to lift our spirits up?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the heads up LH, guess my hearts already learned that lesson though and i am more curious then excited. It's soo not him.
And honestly, if he does change, he will never be what I want from a H

This is something i'm afraid of too. Do you think that was always the case for you or is it simply too little too late?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
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