Good for you!! Yes, it can be so intimidating the first few times. When I first started, I went at the really quiet times, so I didnt have to fear the surerbods.
After awhile, you start looking forward to it, and there is a certain high that you get that nothing else can beat!
I cant afford to go the gym at this time, but I cant wait till I can.
Mum, well said!
Your line about OW wanting to do the 180...laugh:
The only thing an active OW will accomplish with that would be a sense of decency, selfworth and and NO OP..so guess that would have been waaayyy off her books!
Your strength during that time is amazing Mum. When you should have been broken down, you were standing erect and strong and level headed...in fact being the only adult in that house.
Its truly awesome where the strength comes from when our families are under attack.
I have said this before, about how my IC and GP in Australia used to worry about me being so purposeful and levelheaded, when H was deep in the A fog, and treating us all like crap.I should have been having a nervous breakdown, totally crumbled.But the strength just comes, doesnt it?
I guess it is when we are starting to feel a little safe that we lose our legs. And I supposed the greater the trauma,the harder we had to hold it together, the more floored we are.
This is when we need our S's the most, but they cant seem to deal with it like we did, and we sometimes end up propping them up instead. Well thats how it is in my case. I know H wants to be there for me 100%, but unfort he cant..he doesnt know how to, and is finding hard enough to deal with his own issues, so I am more or less, alone inside.Except for my Tribe.
I digressed again, didnt I??
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 11:51 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]
I need to help myself and will do my best. Must be a good heftysmurf for baby smurf :-)
I am left with one question. After fog lifting when did you know WS got back with really working on the M?
[This message edited by heftysmurf at 11:45 AM, February 7th (Thursday)]
After fog lifting when did you know WS got back with really working on the M?
Mmmm..tough one for me Hefty.
There were many times when I thought he had, but I was proven wrong.I dont know know if we are actively working on the M at the moment either.
We are each trying to sort out our own selves whilst relearning and rediscovering each other. We are learning how to love the other, to be civil and humane, how to co-parent,how to talk to each other..(is that working on the M?)... but our biggest challenge at this time is really our own FOO issues, IMHO.
Some of this happened a few months immed after dday (co-parenting), some after dday#2, some only very recently. Its a changing landscape in the LH household.
1-When you begin to feel it is an "us" effort, instead of you pulling all the weight.
2-When the sense of that minefield between you two begins to feel like solid, safe ground.
3- When you start to feel loved when it is said....rather than the sense that it is being said, because it is expected to be said.
4- When you notice your breathing changes back to normal when she is around.
5- When you see R as a good thing to do....instead of a rescue mission.
Hefty, I am sure many others in the tribe can point to others.
These are mine.
And I had to put a different flavor on ours.....Similar to Zanny's.
Because it took a while...a few false and skewed starts...
it is still a work in progress for both of us, but the homework section is on him now.
[This message edited by numb and scared at 12:53 PM, February 7th (Thursday)]
BUT do you think he said what he did to delib hurt you?
No, LH, I know he wasn't thinking about my weight when he said it. But by the same token, I wouldn't complain about having "so much hair I didn't know what to do with it" around him either. Because I KNOW he's sensitive about being almost bald. And I CONSTANTLY tell him how attractive he is to me... especially when he's feeling down and moping about the hair.
And I know it's really mean and spiteful, but I think about starting to look at guys with GREAT hair, you know tracking like he does with women?
He called me while I was at the post-funeral lunch complaining about one of his customers being a royal, can't please me bitch. I told him to turn on his charm, he knows how to work it with women. He said he tried "and you know I'm better than most at it" but he was getting no where. Man I want to meet this woman and shake her hand!
Since my situation is a little different in that I didn't bust him while the A was active, I knew something was different when he started investing in the family again... was very involved in our D's HS graduation, even though he'd ignored her for years. He bought 2 dirt bikes so he and our S could have an interest together. He had a harder time getting me back after so long though. But he invested $$$ in me at first.
He wasn't around any more than usual because the As were conducted while he was at work. But he wasn't escaping as often even at home. The video game playing stopped, he was doing actual work around here.
He just invested more of himself in the family and home than he had been.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
BUT, I have spies watching you guys and only UP gets credit for posting after going to the gym. Who else did anything...come on...lemme hear ya.
I just got out of the car, checked in and am going for a long walk. Will be back...
BTW, Hefty, you are getting some incredible advice here. I hope you follow it.
Heeeelllloooo? I am going to bed early. Have to have my mom at the hospital at 6:30 for surgery which means leaving here around 5:30 am. Wishing all a good night and wondering where the hell everyone went.
Must be either a quiet night....or a not-so-quiet night....kwim.
Anyway, just wanted to pop in and tell you prayers are coming to your Mom for a safe surgery and swift recovery.
Does joining the gym count? I just joined our little local gym- now if only I can drag my lazy ass into it.........
Hefty- you sound much better today- I'm glad.
Last year I went all out for WH- and he did.....nothing. It shattered me because I was in a really bad spot at the time and needed something from him. Just the effort would have been fine. He did feel horrible, especially since I had done so much, because he wasn't expecting it. He had planned a trip for us to Vegas the weekend after V-day and I guess we had actually said that was going to be our Valentines so we weren't gifting to each other. I forgot about it completely but was hurt anyway because my passive/aggressive self wanted him to read my mind and KNOW that he should do more.
So, this year, I really don't have it in me to do a lot. I've made plans for WH and I to get pedicures together in the morning (something he likes to do because he wants to do something with me) and arranged for a babysitter for our 3 y/o so we can go to lunch...alone. And that's it.
Prayers coming your way for your mom.
We have no big plans for Vday, either. But it has never really been a big holiday for us, for whatever reason. Maybe because my H hates crowds.. and every restaraunt or romantic place is packed on VDay! Anyway, I'll be curious to see your update and those from the Tribe on what they do. I can live vicariously through ya'll...
Today was a weird day for me. I have had just such an internal struggle going on. Guys, I can't figure out if my H is triggering me or if I am holding onto negative stuff because I am afraid to truly move on. Something for me to ponder, but was wondering how everyone else who has hit the 2 year mark feels about this possibility. Did you guys go through this.... just wondering, not knowing and feeling like you have no clue about anything anymore. It's like the plain of lethal flatness, only more about me than FWH.
Alrighty, sending big hugs to Hefty and our other newbies struggling with the early devestation and challenges post dday. You guys WILL survive this. Hang tight.
Love you guys
Today was a weird day for me. I have had just such an internal struggle going on.
But hey, I'm o.k. Used to the ups and downs. When I'm up I'm just waiting for the fall down again. And when I'm down I know that's it's only a matter of time before I make it back up.
Guess I'll go throw myself a pity party. Boo Hoo Hoo for me.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
Prayers for your mum shirley.
VDay. FWH has asked me to wear my glad rags cos heís taking me out. After last year, (he tried giving me my rings back) Iím not sure about it. I donít want a stupid crying act again. I canít really do my usual disappearing act when avoiding significant dates, not if heís booked something. Iím not getting a card or anything. None of them are any good and I just look at them feeling a Mrs Bitterandtwisted, reading the sentiments inside with a sarcastic slant.
It's like the plain of lethal flatness, only more about me than FWH
HB, that just about sums me up at the moment. Still feeling down. So I guess Iíll lurk around for a few days and join FSA with her pity party.
There must be something in the air. Quiet a few of us seem to be struggling.
Shirley, pray that your mum makes a speedy recovery too. If she is anything like her sassy, strong, resilient DD, I'll bet she will be out of there soon!
I looked at Nas's 5 points yesterday re. R, and I guess we are just not there yet, as I couldnt tick any of them...or at least, tick them for more than a week.
Unable, start off with just twice a week. Can you get a gymbuddy? I hate to sound like a fanatic, but there is just a wonderful feeling after a workout.Knowing that you are doing something for yourself, and you can see and feel it, KWIM?
And when you eat that slice of Devil's Food , you know that you earned it!
MIG, word of caution.H promised me the same thing last year...and I got nothing. I was beyond disappointed. I just went numb and bitter. Worse, he kept saying that we would celebrate in a week, then 2 weeks. I gave up after 3 months.
All I am saying is that try NOT to expect anything, so if anything happens, you will be pleasantly surprised.
not that i care so much for me
I told IC yesterday that I feel like I am being pulled in every direction,and I dont know what to focus on. M issues, FOO issues, the kids mostly DS, my supposed career, H, my parents...
And I am in the middle with all this stuff swirling around me.All i want is to be left alone so I can sit here all day. I feel safe here. If I could, I would be here all day (yes, I know some smart alecs here think that I am already! )
Last night H and I had another go at that conversation, and it didnt go well again.
And I think, WTF am I doing? He will never get it. He will always resent me. He is INCAPABLE of loving me the way I want.Even when I am trying to own my shit with him, he still thinks I am blaming him, that I am making myself out to be the angel and him the villain.
And honestly, if he does change, he will never be what I want from a H.
And I will always be on guard with him. For I will never know whether he is faking or real.
IC said that I hate men. And since I do, I wont be able to enter into a love relationship with H. She said she also strongly believes that H hates women..so...
FSA, I think I am already turning into that bittertwisted old woman.
Coming back to Vday.
Nothing planned here. He WILL not hurt me again! Pity i dont drink.
Nevermind, I plab to be here at my 9pm to raise my glass (mango/orange/banana smoothie) with BT.Who else is joining us??
What can we do to lift our spirits up?
And honestly, if he does change, he will never be what I want from a H