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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He said it was ok with him because "you can give me sex in the car on the way up."
Maybe you should have told him only if you get to go first. I promise I'm not making light of this. But if LTA hasn't taught me anything else it has taught me that if way back when H and I would have compromised and worked out our diffrences then maybe we would not have ended up like we are today. If you could try (and I'm not saying that you haven't) and ask him what it is that he wants instead of telling him what it is that you want. Maybe ya'll can find some mutual meeting grounds. And from my experience the more you do it the more you want to do it.
Just trying to give you some insight from my side. I'm sorry if I'm way off base.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
plesk3yl
♂ Member
Member # 18119
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My 1st post here.

Even when things seem to be going right with the R, it's still a long stretch of bad road.


Me BS 47
WW 44
Married July 1986
3 Kids (12, 15, 18)
LTA 2 years+
D Day Oct 11 2006

Posts: 464 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: southeast usa
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope FSA, I understand. But I don't think you understand my H. Hell, I don't either.

Maybe you should have told him only if you get to go first.

That would have been met with something like "Now how am I going to do that while I'm driving?" or "Yeah, that's what you think."

I've been doing this with my IC for months now.... "here's what he says, how can I answer?" The problem is that he is glib, you'd think he kissed the blarney stone or something. He's quick, he's smart, he's sarcastic and weilds his words like swords.

Our MC likened it to getting in a boxing ring. I just can't win. He spars and I want to talk. Then I can't talk because he's on the defensive or offensive and I wind up giving up or crying. We can't have a conversation, so we can't work out this stuff.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey plesk3yl, your post slipped in while I was venting there.

I see you're a recent member. And you're right, it's like traveling a bad patch of road.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Plesk

It's a long stretch of bad road but I am still faithful that I WILL get to the end of it. Welcome to our little corner in LTA.

Weepy

Now how am I going to do that while I'm driving?"
Tell him to find you a road side park and you'll show him. Don't take no for an answer. I'm just trying here!!!! Maybe if he likes to play word games you can spice those up. Answer his glib remarks with sexy answers. Again just trying here. If you really really want the "sex" then work for it.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you really really want the "sex" then work for it.

And therein lies the problem....

He "worked" for his sex with OW, the LTA, but especially the hookers. It took some doing to do what he did. His arrangements were never simple.

And he readily agrees that he knows how to charm, but won't with me.

Back to the old lament. I'm tired. I'm tired of being the one trying to "fix" this alone.

Besides... I don't even know if his remark really indicated that he was interested. He does that too. Just throws out sexual invitations, innuendos and comes back later when I ask when it's going to happen, to tell me he was "kidding".

Many people on here and my IC have said it's a power play to him. One woman put it this way "He knows you're strong independent woman. You can take care of yourself, the home, your finances, the kids, you can do it all. But you CAN'T have sex with a man on your own without him (or without cheating). He knows this... it's the only "power" he has over you... it's the only thing you need him for, and he decides when you get to have it."


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy if you just attacked him. Was all over him. Giving it your all. In the privacy of your room where you could not be disturbed. Would he still turn you down?


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another problem.... I want to be the one attacked. I'm tired of beating him up over this. I'm ALWAYS the initiator, I ALWAYS start things and HE gets to decide whether to go along or stop it. He has the control.

Do you all remember the show "Three's Company"? All I keep seeing in my mind is Mrs. Roper chasing after Stanley, trying to get him to have sex with her and yet he always had the "eye" for the younger girls.

I don't want to be some sad, pathetic creature begging him for attention. And that's how I feel.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good day LTA tribe!

I've been here reading but not posting cuz I just felt I didn't need to bring the tribe down with my triggering and that I had nothing constructive to say. Nothing witty... no poetic contributions... but I do keep you all in my prayers.

Yesterday was Dday antiversary #1. I did my best to 'reclaim' the day... not spend too much time at the PC as that's how I found the chat logs that morning as I was doing defrag maintenance on it. I tried to sew but wasn't able to concentrate. FWH called from work and my heart lept (as usual). I love to hear his voice as much now as I ever did! He came home for lunch. We talked as if it was just any day. I'd planned dinner but didn't take the tenderloin out of the freezer soon enough. I had a meltdown! Tears flowed. There wasn't enough time to have the meal ready so H could eat and go back to work. I was devastated... I'd tried so hard to not let 'the day' bother me when in truth the whole week has been a trigger due to OW's presence in the bldg every evening (her seasonal expertise is needed to meet deadlines).
Anyway I called my H, told him about my dinner fiasco and he said we'd go out instead. Dinner chat was uneventful - H let me know that he knew what the date was - topic changed. He dropped me back at home, kissed me g'bye with an ILY, just like the last 4 yrs had never happened.

Last night he was a restless sleeper and I only slept a couple of hours. I went back to sleep after he left for work - slept 3 1/2 hrs more! Just as I got up to let the dog out, the phone rang. It was my H! Uncanny timing, and not the 1st time. I'm a lot better today but feeling like I need him to talk to me, or write to me... something to let me know he is aware of my pain. His work hours don't help. After 35 yrs I know the routine, yet can't help the bitterness I'm feeling.

So I've read the Healing Library today. Done a little tidying and need to head over to the gym. I'm behind in my weight loss goal. I'm angry about this but still don't make getting there a priority.

I'm a mess. Thanks for listening.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey lost, sounds like you really had a mixed bag day. The highs and lows of the coaster. I think it's best just to ride out those trigger days and let happen what happens.

Thanks FSA, now you get back to work. My sex life is not going to be fixed on line. I've got to get the guts to talk to him and take the chance that it will screw it up even more.

[This message edited by weepy at 3:11 PM, February 8th (Friday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess I do need to take a break and get some work done. Good Luck Weepy!!

Hey Lostsoul, good to see you again. Sorry you're having a rough go of it. IC told me at last visit that I must tell H when and what I need. Being as you are wanting "something" from him maybe you should try and tell him what that is.

Gotta go

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome plesk3ly. A long stretch on a bad road. Good description.Unfort I dont have the map, know the landscape, know if we are heading in the right direction, or even if we are travelling together. But thats me.

How are you and your W in R?

***
Hi FSA. Glad you can chill a little at work. LEt us know what your H thought of our Tribe.

***
((((LostS))))
I agree with FSA. Tell him what you want/need. I am sure he will appreciate some direction. At least the week is almost over right?

***
Weepy, you try out the new recipe and report back to us next week. Any chance of it being low fat?

***
Shirley,your mum must be so pleased to have you there. Glad the op went well.

Re. the quiet time..my problem is that I have become too used to being on my own since youngest DD started school last year. Its the first time since DS was born 10 months after the wedding (honeymoon baby).


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
plesk3yl
♂ Member
Member # 18119
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart asked,
How are you and your W in R?

Some days are diamonds, some days are coal.
It's gotten a lot better since the OM got another job.

My wife and he were co-workers, living in separate cities (3 hours apart). It made the NC thing much tougher when they were constantly being put on the same calls and in the same meetings.

I went through all of the email/computers and cell phones earlier this week. There was nothing.

I still obsess from time to time, but over all I think it's going well.

(or she's gotten a lot more clever in the secrecy)

[This message edited by plesk3yl at 4:04 PM, February 8th (Friday)]


Me BS 47
WW 44
Married July 1986
3 Kids (12, 15, 18)
LTA 2 years+
D Day Oct 11 2006

Posts: 464 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: southeast usa
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you both in IC and/or MC?

IS she addressing the issues that led her to do what she did? How is she treating you? Is she remorseful, there for you, transparent?

What about you? Getting over this LTA takes its toll on us BS's. Are you in IC?

Overall though, do you feel like your M is in a better place thne it was before? Are you both rebuilding that connection?

One of our wiser folk here has this saying:
Long Term Affair = Long term Recovery.

It will be while before you will feel safe again.

Can I ask, what made you post now (15months post ddaY)? Was there something specific on your mind, or just curious on how others are handling this crap, or seeking support or all of the above? Just asking.

I ask alot of questions, dont I? and now I am talking to myself.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Plesk,
Sorry you're here but welcome aboard.
Weepy i played an eerily similar game with my H for years, only problem was i never knew the rules and i never won. Sad thing is even looking back with 20/20 i know now i never could have.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad thing is even looking back with 20/20 i know now i never could have.

Oh MIG.

Weepy, theres something in that.

***
Signing off now. Hope the weekend treats everybody better than this awful week.

Stay strong Tribe.

Goodnight All.
LH


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can’t read. I can only post. I’m drunk, again. Sorry, stumbling in and out. I hate this, I hate him, I hate what this is doing to me. I will come back to y’all, but right now this is just so not good. Sorry. Bad time. Ducking out. He says no to a certain other (widow), I couldn’t confront her, but ……….. even so. I know he’s done the KISA before – and maybe since? Just didn’t know where to draw the line. Fuckwit. Just need some proof/evidence/confirmation/whatever. Maybe I’m looking for a reason for the big D?

Nite, nite. Taking my Chablis up with me.

Thanks LostH, you’re a sweetie. (((hugs)))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi again. I'm back from the gym. Weighed in... up 1.5 lbs but I did walk there and back which is 15 minutes each way. Just far enough when the temp is -15C!

Thanks for the replies and hugs.

Weepy, how was the chocolate cake? Send me a virtual slice when you have a minute. Sorry I have no answers to your current situation. Amazing how can he be such a 'smart ass' with all you've been through. And it sounds like your MC has been no help. Major Bummer, imho.

Welcome Plesk... sorry to see you join but glad you found us.

Even when things seem to be going right with the R, it's still a long stretch of bad road.
You sure got that right!

FSA, I could tell him what I need if I thought he's stay awake long enough to pay attention. Unfortunately his busy season has begun so meal times are when we see each other. He's on his way home now. We'll grocery shop tonight cuz he works Sat and Sunday also. I have far too much time alone to think and immerse myself in SI. Double-edged sword... I too would like 6 months off.
Later.... {LTA}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((((((UK))))))))))))

Wishing you strength.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, February 8th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH, UK. (((HUGS)))


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

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