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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Besides... I don't even know if his remark really indicated that he was interested. He does that too. Just throws out sexual invitations, innuendos and comes back later when I ask when it's going to happen, to tell me he was "kidding".

I apparently hit the nail on the head with this observation. He went to pick up DS alone because he needs me to run to the bank for him.

LH

Weepy, if what H is offering/capable of not what you are looking for...what then?

I want to hear him say he's not capable of it. I want to hear him OWN his own issues. I want to be able to say in MC next week "This is your problem, this one YOU're bringing to the M."

I've told him before probably a dozen times. I am not interested in just being his friend, roommate, laundress, cook and co-parent, his "soft place" to fall. That's all a part of M true, but if I can't be his lover, his confidant, part of the reason he gets up every morning, then I'm not interested. I've told him that I want and deserve the whole package.

He got a call last night from one of the co-conspirators. They're having a birthday party for one of the "whores"... the same one he wanted to drive up to see the dying friend with last year. The one who was disappointed to see that he brought his wife along for the ride.

I want to see how he handles this. The ONLY way I see is he tells the guy, sorry we're busy. The very most I will tolerate is him handing him $10 (the thing is $5 a head) and THEN telling him we can't make it.

Although the prospect of getting to confront a bunch of these people all at the same time while they're drunk... could be interesting. And if he says he wants to go, then I'll tell him the same thing.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS: Off to the gym so I can post more today....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
threeofus
♀ Member
Member # 9242
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have not posted or been online in months. My H is still involved in the LTA...almost 10 years strong. We have been in false R. He lies constantly. The other day was the last straw for me. OW was arrested on our block. we are working on separating. H lost his job yesterday, we have no savings, H is looking for a place, but i'm not sure how he will be able to move without any money. his credit is bad. he can't pay the bills where we live. it's all a mess. i can't afford to live anywhere else. living with family or friends is not an option for me. his family is in another city. it is all a mess. i'm beyond sick and tired. i need encouragement.


D-Day: 08-10-05
Married: 18 Years
Together : 19 Years
Kids: 18 Year Old Girl
me: BS, 39
him: WS, 42
Separated November 08
File for D January 09

Boiled down to being with someone I could not trust, or being alone.


Posts: 267 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: maryland
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((threeofus)))))) Welcome to our little tribe. I am so very sorry to hear your story. It may be impossible to see right now but there are better days ahead. What support network do you have? Are there others you are close to who know of your situation? And are you getting any counseling? You have been rocked to the bottom and getting back up will require helping hands. Let us support you in getting the support you need.

Life has a way of bringing us to our knees. But when we're on our knees that is when we learn how to come back and stand completely upright, perhaps for the first time in our lives. It won't be easy, but it will certainly be worth it. You are amongst friends here who understand the devastation. We have all been on our knees at one time. You WILL survive this. You WILL find joy once again in your life. You WILL be whole again. It's going to take time though. And it's going to take putting one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. (((((threeofus))))


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

threeofus, I remember your initial posts. Yes, I was around then too.

Unbelievable that all this time NC was never established. Through counseling and everything! That's why I take no stock when my C's say "don't you think we'd know if he was in an affair now? Why would he be going to counseling all this time and still cheat?"

Because they can. I'm sorry you find yourself back here.

But if you were working on your masters, you have a degree, you have potential. Can you call on any friends to help with your D while you job search?

Are you active in your church? or can you go to one for help? Many have programs for women thrust into this kind of situation. Talk to your creditors, your bank, your mortgage co. They will work with you on the bills.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good grief! WTF's been going on around here? I was off yesterday, come back and there's four pages to pour through!

Shirley - glad to hear mom is doing well. And yeah, how bout some of that peace and quiet for HS? It's really easy to let busy become an addiction. I know. Been there done that.

Plesk - Welcome to the club no one wanted to join. Glad you're here and getting the support though.

SVS - That rotten ho-bitch from hell! How dare she? I think the rest of us would need ho-spray. You? You need ho-napalm! (Ride of the Valkyries is playing in my mind right now). Can we please take a field trip some day, all of us, over to her house? Ask her to come out to play? Play what you may ask? Why Ho-Pinata of course! I'm with Run. I think I hate her more than the saggy, diseased ho-bitch in my sitch. Hang in there hon. This will end. Psychos always need the drama and when there's no more drama left with you and your H, she'll find some other victim(s). Hopefully one that doesn't have the same conscience and morals you have. She'll get hers. Don't you worry. The karma bus is still busy making a few other stops. It will be coming her way soon.

And hi to everyone else. I've been super busy with work lately and had my puppy's boyfriend here for the past two days. Two 80 pound, 6 month old puppies can be quite a handful. We have been out playing in the snow a lot and even though it's cold, the fresh air has been like a tonic. So I'm going to encourage all of you, in cold or warm climates, to get out and get some fresh air and daylight. This time of year can be depressing when you DON'T have anything like a LTA to deal with because of the months of short days and being shut up in the house. You'd be surprised what it can do for the soul. We're off to the dog pulling competitions today. All day in the snow, watching dogs compete. We're going to have our little girl watch and learn and hopefully in another year competing. I'll have my flask of schnapps in my pocket to keep warm. That's the best part of these outdoor, winter dog sports! Oh yeah, and spending the day with H!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm ashamed to say that I haven't been very good about the new exercise requirement so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post. Does cleaning up all those dust bunnies around my house count? (Sorry FSA - they had to go - no sense naming them. ) I did spend about 3 hours cleaning my messy, messy home and that is a form of exercise even if not a very fun form.

Weepy - sent you a PM.
I also wanted to welcome our new members and hope we can offer you the support and care that we are so fortunate to get here.
Shirley - I'm happy to hear that your Mom is doing well. It's also nice to see that this is giving you an opportunity to get some peace and quiet. You've earned it and it has to be very comforting to be there with your Mom. Prayers to you both.
SVS - what can I say except to join the others - she sounds like an absolute bitch. It's incredible. I loved OTC's game idea! Ho Pinata - I like it!!! Good one OTC! Can I bring my H's OW too? Talk about a satisfying form of exercise!
To all who are struggling - lots of hugs and good vibes for a better weekend.
Let's try to make this a good one.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you again to everybody for your kind thoughts for my mom. She is doing great. Recuperating at an amazing rate - I can only hope to be as strong and healthy as she when I am her age.

I was able to get out and take another really long walk with the dog. It is really quiet here and I am sooooo not used to that.

Ho Pinata - I like it!!! Good one OTC! Can I bring my H's OW too? Talk about a satisfying form of exercise!

You guys are too funny.
Umm, but seriously, OTC, you could probably make a fortune starting an online pinata ordering company. The buyer mails in a pic of the OW or OM, the pinata is made in that persons likeness and shipped out, the buyer can stuff it with whatever they want (Budweisers anyone? ). You could have a big party, invite your friends and smash the OP in the face, get "exercise" doing it AND get beer when it breaks!!!

I will try to be on for a while if anyone is around. I can check in more often now that my "patient" is up and around.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome from me too to all new members. I'm not posting too much now, but lurk daily and find lots of support, chuckles, and camaraderie here. Jump right in.

There comes a time after being betrayed when the never ending thoughts of what a WS "could" be doing while the BS isn't around becomes overwhelming. See, every second a WS is out of a BS presence is an unknown. The benefit of the doubt went out the window on DDay, and blind trust will never come back. A WS's willingness to stay married is actually meaningless as far as fidelity. It's like "So what if you're still here? You were here before and that didn't stop you from cheating". KWIM? Then, the futility of the constant worrying hits. Then, the utter powerlessness to prevent this again hits. Then, despair can set in. This was rock bottom for me - but it precipitated the most profound life altering epiphany that forever changed me. I "really got" the serenity prayer. I know that sounds silly - I had read that prayer thousands of times before in my life. I always thought I understood it. But suddenly, I really understood it to the core of who I was. I can't explain it any better than that. The first thing I felt was sheer terror. Then an overwhelming relief. I finally understood that my husband's happiness and growth were his responsibility - and I also understood that my happiness and growth was mine and only mine. That's when I stopped waiting for my husband to "fix" my pain. Because he couldn't. Laying it at his feet was doing us both a disservice.
And I didn't reach this point until almost a year out from DDay.

Thanks for reposting this from DL. I'm over 2 years out and am just getting somewhere near here--OC slows everything down--LOL. And part of me still thinks that it is part of H's job now to "fix" me, but I think that it's not really fixing, just being a real marital partner again, which isn't fixing me but helping me heal. The fixing really is all on me.

Or else time is just dulling things for me--who knows. H is still doing most things right, regular life goes on and is good. It's just so hard to accept "normal"--after 31 years of marriage, I don't know what that is exactly with a LTA thrown in at the end of that time! Normal would be comfort with each other, recreational activities and family stuff with each other, affection, some sex, feeling safe and just loved as a basic, foundational thing (or maybe just not thinking about this last, much less questioning it)--and in a faithful M that would seem pretty good at almost 60 years old.

But after all this trauma, I still feel I need more reassurance than the above mentioned stuff. Before finding out, I wouldn't have expected to be viewed as the greatest thing since sliced bread all the time--who is after being together for so long. But the memories of feeling that way about H are still there for me (in the more limerance sort of way)--again just part of my foundation and I can't shake the feeling that his most recent memories of an intense R are still colored by OW.

But accepting that I can't control H's feelings, thoughts, or memories is what some of that quote addresses for me. And as long as his actions show he's working on us and himself, that's all I can expect. Maybe my expectations have changed--I'm letting go of the hysterical feelings of the first years--who knows.

All I know is that despite the bi-weekly phone call to OC (and thus OW) yesterdy, I'm feeling pretty okay today. Thought I'd share in my usual rambling way. And if it changes tomorrow, I'll let you know!

Hugs to all--


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But accepting that I can't control H's feelings, thoughts, or memories is what some of that quote addresses for me. And as long as his actions show he's working on us and himself, that's all I can expect. Maybe my expectations have changed--I'm letting go of the hysterical feelings of the first years--who knows.

25W - I agree with missing the limerance love. I know it may not have been healthy but I did still love my H that way. Now I don't and I know I never will again. As I am only 6 months out, I don't even know if I will love him at all, if I will have him as a life partner or if we will take our separate paths. I did have a telling moment last week when I missed him while he was at work. I guess that is a good sign.

But, to your post above. I am learning a lot through this process and one thing I know for absolute certain was that I was spending way too much time pre-dday trying to influence others thoughts and behaviors (not just my H). Letting go of this has significantly lowered the stress level in my life (at least from THAT perspective
).

I hope I can make it to two years and be able to post wise comments for the newbies like me.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often think and say that my biggest fear is that I am being duped again. That he is still seeing ehr and making an even bigger fool of me. I don't think it's true but I hear it happening so often.

I also fear many months down the road. They work in the samehospital, as do I. Running in to each other, then a few emails, then just a quick drink for old times sake since I will have loosened the reigns by then adn one thing leads to another. That's my fear. Who knows. Wh therapist sent hom a sheet of things to do when dealing with an A and one was to not snoop too much for your own sake, that it will drive you crazy. That if he still is having an A then it will coe out. Easy for him to say..this one went on for 4 1/2 year sbfore really ocming out! Althoguh I woudl never be that naive again.

Today is the day they started seeing each other 5 years ago. Hard day for me. He was grunpy today but not sure why. Was pretty easily swayed out of grumpy but still a bit that way. Went to work. I mentioned today earlier in the week adn how I was worried about it. I don't knwo if he remembers or not. I suspect she will call or try to see him. I hope he tells me.

I put a cialis by his wallet and when he went to work he held it up with a quizzical look an smiled,. I smiled back and he kind of did an okay shrug and put it in his pocket with a smile. Of course, now I started spotting from these stupid steroid shots, but I'm hoping it all holds off until after tongiht. I just need so badly to reclaim the day for us, not for them. I will be so upset if it doesn't work out. I can't stand the thought of us not making love on this day. I guess in my head it woudl save that day for her and tht can't be.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((So Lost))

Today is the day they started seeing each other 5 years ago. Hard day for me. He was grunpy today but not sure why.

I hope you have the day and night that you want. Do you think that he might be grumpy because of his own guilt over what this day is? He has to face what he has done? I am keeping my fingers crossed for you.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know if I will love him at all, if I will have him as a life partner or if we will take our separate paths.

Boy Shirley I can really relate to this. There are so many moments when I look at him like he's an absolute stranger and wonder what I ever saw in him. I ask myself, "Do you even love this man knowing what he is capable of - who he is?" I am older than you so my situation is different and I hate that I'm looking at this from an age perspective. It's just so hard to imagine trying to start over again at this late stage. It's one of the reasons I resent him at times. If only I had been younger on d-day!!! Maybe I would have made a different decision. There are so many times when it's hard to even look at him and not feel such utter disillusionment. I wonder if I'm just going through the motions of R just to preserve my lifestyle - not so much out of love for my H but out of love for the lifestyle I've grown accustomed to. I am going through a phase of "plain of lethal flatness" these days. It's strange and not at all scary. It feels so real - so honest. I just keep asking myself if there isn't something more that I want out of my life right now. Anyway, that is what your post prompted in me. Sorry to be rambling but I've got a little buzz on right now (love my wine) and so I'm off and running, so to speak.
Hugs to all my sisters and "the boys." We are surviving, growing and getting stronger through all of this. Let's never forget that!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I suspect the day has something to do with his grumpiness. Just hard ot know what that affect is. Is he grunpy b/c he wishes he were with her today?? Or because he feels so bad? OPr b/c he misses her? Or b/c he feels so bad that this horrible day five years ago is what hurt me so much? Who knows. He's not a talker and probably does not allow himself to think all that through. I really hope things turn out how I want, as I will be hugely disappointed. I dont even wnt to have sex, I feel like I haev to to reclaim the day. So sad.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SoLost - I totally believe in reclaiming that which was taken from us. If possible, don't take no for an answer tonight. You gave him what he needed and now it's time for you to take what was always rightfully yours. (((SoLost)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's just so hard to imagine trying to start over again at this late stage. It's one of the reasons I resent him at times.

FNF Ė I donít feel so young these daysÖ.matter of fact I think I have aged 10 years in 6 months (hence my face cream questions). I think we each need to look inside ourselves and decide how happy we will be alone. Is alone just alone or lonely? After spending two hours walking on the beach with my dog today (if you want a husband buy a dog), I realize that I donít want to live the rest of my life alone. I could do it if necessary but donít want to.

So Lost Ė

I dont even wnt to have sex,

Okay, perhaps JMO but YES YOU DO! Let your mind go and think about it and you will realize that you want to have sex. You are not sure you want to have sex with him because at some level you are pissed. But, sex would be good. Think of it as just sex (which BTW I was never good at before). Just get some. Donít make too big of a deal of it. Let him earn back this place too. Good luck and I am jealous as I am here solo!

ETA: the rest as I hit the enter button to soon!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 6:50 PM, February 9th (Saturday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, maybe I do. lol I guess I more meant was that I wasn't at that time when I am really wanting it,. but I want it regardless b/c of the day. I'll be happy once it all gets started.

I think I am alwasy waiting for the other show to drop. Always xpecting something bad to happen, something to ruinit all. Having such a hard time trusting it all at ths point.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, this might seem sick but....

I had sex for years with my H when I didn't know that he was fucking around. It was good. So what am I supposed to do now, be celibate? Have *sex* with him. We have made love a few times but at this point it is sex FOR ME!

So Lost - go for it for yourself!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
soverysad
♀ Member
Member # 14594
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support guys. It is unbelievable to me that ho bitch still seems completely oblivious to her crimes ... bring on the "ho napalm"!

No, we are not responding to that POS. (BTW - loved your descriptive UKGirl, couldn't have said it better myself) We will continue to follow the law. And hold her to the law as well.

Bring on that HO Pinata!



Posts: 518 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Got it!

"JOnata"!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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