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User
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Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
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Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 |  Posted: 2:58 AM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 |     |
Good morning all. 
Fnf
There are so many moments when I look at him like he's an absolute stranger and wonder what I ever saw in him. I ask myself, "Do you even love this man knowing what he is capable of - who he is?"
Big ditto from me.Except make those "moments" more often.
I have been doing alot of thinking this week (ouch!  )and this is what I have come up with:
1. He DID show me in little ways who he was.Not the cheating side,but the PA and selfishness. I cannot claim anymore that I did not know who he was when we M'ed. I had CHOSEN not to see him (like OTC said, I wasnt able to "see" him then).Still I am not the complete victim as I thought I was.
2. If I had developed certaing character traits at that age (19-22), I would have most def not married him. Traits like higher selfesteem, stronger will power, straighter spine, for starters.
Whats sad was that the year before we M, I had fin uni and started working, my first time away from home and out in the world. People thought that I would crumble (coming from such a strict home and being alone out there with responsibilies).
BUT I THRIVED! I loved it. I grew up so much.And as for my job, I was thrown into the deep end as there was one crisis after another, and whilst my peers who started with me were still being inducted, I was thrown into heavy casework and courtwork. I loved it. I was so proud of myself. The newbie rubbing elbows with the oldies.I am so grateful that my then supervisor gave me all that rope.I would never have known my potential of she hadnt.
Back to the topic...lol.
I was growing so fast at work and away from home. That came to an end when we told his folks that we were still seeing each other, and they insisted that we M 6 months later. So I had to quit and then move to H's city. Who knows what would have happ if I had stayed on.At that time, H was worried that I was pulling away from him and that I was cheating on him.  Yes, I might have started pulling away, but no, nobody else, despite a few interests.I would never have considered cheating.
3.Now your point Fnf, about reasons for staying.
At this point I just dont know.
We are closer than we ever were.BUT I strongly suspect at this point that he is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I am NOT what he wants either. We are greatly disillusioned with each other and ourselves.
The kids love having a F. They havent had one before, and now that the novelty has worn out, they love it.
Lifetstyle...unfort we lost that lifestyle when we moved across, and I discovered that we had nothing. All those years of saving and investments and unit trusts and policies and OT pay...all gone. 
He talked a good game and I had believed him.
So we are now where we were when we first got M. Nothing to our name except the clothes and furniture.And 3 more mouths to feed.
So no lifestyle to preserve here.
Age. Wow, I am going to be 36, and boy do I feel OLD and TIRED. The thought of starting over with someone is too bloody depressing.I couldnt do that, not with my 3 kiddos. Darn I feel old.
I am rambling too Fnf, and I dont drink! Just know that someone else out there is going through it too.
***
(((SoL)))
So how did it go SoL?
Hope it turned out ok.
Is your H one to remember these things? Mine isnt, so just thinking that maybe he was grumpy cos he was just grumpy.
***
Hi Shirley! When do you go back home?
***
((((SVS)))
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801 | | Posted: 8:58 AM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Things went well last night. Wh once said he thinks I am sometimes looking for him to mess up and last night was one of those times. He was late but called (and really less than 5 minutes late and called) so that sent me in to a spin and then I was just crabby when he got there. I thought he wouldn't start anything and I was all ready to just cry and scream. Nope, things got started, by him , and it was lovely. No mention of what day it was, as I wanted. I don't even know if he remembered. Doesn't matter. That is our day now!
You know, I seriously doubt he remembered. He seems to have decideed that she means nothing and it is over and that is it. He was so catious about emailing and not be too blunt (when I wanted him to email). But right after that it seemed done for him. I asked what he woudl do if he saw her and she tried to talk to him adn he said he woudl say "I meant what I said, I don't want to talk to you, goodbye". And walk away. Very bluntly said.
I asked, what's different, why did you not want to be blunt before. He said that he said what he needed to say and if she can't respect that then he will be even more clear. Like a switch went off in his head that just ejected her from his life and thoughts.
We have been doing IC andnow the end of the month we will go back to MC bt with both counselors. Mine wanted to know what I wanted to discuss adn use the time for. All I coudl come up with is better communication. i just don't know. How lame is that? But it's true, it all seems such a mess, I don't know what to fix.
I think with the sex thing, I need to get over it and initiate more. Last night I put the pills by his wallet and he was ready to go. It's like he needs notice. He does great with notice. And he seems very in to it then. I don't know.
Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens
Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007 | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 9:19 AM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
LostH. You cannot look back with the “what if”’s. You’ve had your marriage – good, bad or indifferent – to date and you’ve had your experiences worldwide and you’ve had your children. There can be no regrets even when a LTA comes blasting through your life. None of us here are that young (well, except maybe BabyHefty!) and that means our lives with our partners are waaay too long to hold regrets. I saw The Butterfly Effect (having read Bradbury’s short story) and thought how true it would be. To change one tiny thing in my life would impact on everything and everyone around me. As it would have with my parents and grandparents. When #2 son was born, there was Chernobyl. I cried for weeks, looking at my new baby (and my toddler) and wondering why I would want to bring children into this God-forsaken world that was destined for destruction. But now he’s 21 and a beautiful person and, if he dies tomorrow? He will have loved and been loved. And that’s all that matters to me. If my parents had chosen to forgo children post WWII due to the worry about nuclear war? We four would not have been born. My grandparents and the “war to end all wars”……and so on.
I wrote a letter (yet another!) to my FWH in April last year. I called it “No regrets”. There is that saying of you cannot regret the things you have done in life, only the things you haven’t done. So, with that in mind, I said he couldn’t regret the A. But he could regret that he hadn’t told me sooner, that he hadn’t said no after the first indiscretion, that he hadn’t told me on Sept 11 2001 that he had sent her an email, or the subsequent meetings or his invitation to the hotel for dinner. I was somehow trying to allow him to accept and own his mistakes, and that meant all of them, without regrets. My regret (if I’m allowed) is that I had such blind faith in my H and our M that I didn’t think he could do such a thing b/c he knew the devastation it would cause esp when he/we counselled others who had gone through it! What an assumption to make. The letter started well, but ended up as a rant and with me asking him to leave. I still gave it to him anyway.
I can’t imagine to have lived my life thus far without him. I would not have had my four wonderful sons or come to live in this beautiful part of the country and have this house that felt like home from the moment I stepped across the threshold. I realise that, until this LTA erupted and tore my life apart, I had lived well and was generally pretty happy with my lot. I thought he was too. I think he felt he had no right to be unhappy, but he was. Although maybe he wasn’t unhappy until the moment he rejoined that road with her. Trouble is, he kept looking for something there with her and the more he chased it the more elusive it became and so he only had the limerence and nothing more. Nothing of lasting depth or quality. So why the f*ck was he so persistent if it wasn’t what he wanted??? I should study and do a degree in psychotherapy, then I might understand him and what he was after!!
Like fnf, I am extremely disillusioned. I’m finding it all still so hard because I still find it unbelievable. How could he do this to me and claim he loved/loves me? (All together now – I wasn’t supposed to know)
We are closer than we ever were.BUT I strongly suspect at this point that he is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I’ve read Serenity again too, and I think it is a case to accept what has happened to him and consequently to us and me and to find some place to put it. It goes back to the having no regrets. You can’t regret something that you are in no position to change. It happened, it is in the past and one can only learn from the experience rather than simply resent it. So. Even if it is decided that we are not to spend the rest of our lives together, regret should not play a part in it, although acceptance probably should. Btw, I’m non-religious, but the sentiments still apply.
I would hope that whatever happens and wherever life’s path takes us, he has learned that if you love someone, you don’t make a choice to knowingly jeopardise that love.
Going back to the start. Regrets? I can’t. And all I can say, if we are unable to recover from this devastation and break up, I can look at H in the eyes and say, you have been loved. Completely and absolutely.
Long ramble. But it’s nice to think out loud.
SoLost:
Like a switch went off in his head that just ejected her from his life and thoughts.
Excellent. He’s done with her.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 9:24 AM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Hi UK!
How are you doing on this sunny afternoon??
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 9:42 AM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Hi LostH, I’m kind of okay. ‘Tis a lovely day, though. But, as you can see, I’m in a melancholy mood. Gave blood at lunchtime, so maybe I’m tired out and anaemic! Give me some chocolate someone … I need substance before I faint away!!
Can’t hang around gossiping and chatting, got a “residents’ meeting” this pm, so I’d better hide away the ironing and gather up the Sunday papers (and Saturday’s, still there scattered on the floor) and prepare for the onslaught of people who really know how to gossip. Goodness knows what they say about the goings on in this house!! 
ETA: ps the "no regrets" letter was one of the docs shown to OW. Aaaawwwwwww. I made her cry. Shame on me.  [This message edited by UKgirl at 9:44 AM, February 10th (Sunday)]
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 11:22 AM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Uk, you are sounding a little better.
BUT I strongly suspect at this point that he is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I am NOT what he wants either
And then we go and have a good day and it changes again... 
Sheesh.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336 | | Posted: 2:52 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
I've just had a peek in JFO and ShamMarriage has posted in there, She's having a really tough weekend and I wonder if any of you with more experience than me are around to take a look and perhaps offer her some of your wisdom?
thanks.
P.S. Shirley haven't posted since your mum had her op, glad to see everything went well and doubly glad to see that you got some quiet time for your soul as well.
[This message edited by mumto3sat at 3:53 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]
Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?
Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK | heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080 | | Posted: 3:19 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
These appears to be tribe struggling weekend.
I will though my hat in too. Me and spouse went to a party and it turned into a fight. I was just trying to have a normal day.
The "How could you do this and love me" part oh so hurts. When my WS says "I love you" I say "Now because you did not before". That is like burned into me.
I am kinda numb sad today.
I think the thing we all need to do today is think of ONE THING that makes us happy and do it. Spend some good time with the kids, take a long bath, eat a favorite food, etc. We are still alive and have a lot to live for even if our M are a wreck. We must persist and try not to wallow in the sadness.
Hugs to all the tribe ((((hugs)))) and try to enjoy the rest of your day and life. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 3:28 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Mum, got it. Any others to help Sham? She's in a real bad sitch, and seems to be floundering, reaching out for straws before hanging on to some help that's being offered. Have read her profile and posts - pretty hysterical, headless chicken, can't cope stuff.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062 | | Posted: 3:39 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Hefty. It’s tough and we’ve all been there. “How could you say you love me and be capable of this?” It was a fantasy, it was not real, it was an escape, it was a mills and boon novelette. It could not be real, otherwise she would have gone. She knew it was going NOWHERE. The flat-line feeling is normal. Put some plaster of paris on that heart and give it time to heal. Breathe and try to empty your head to let in some kind thoughts. You are a good person. You have a lovely D. It is not of your making.
(((((Hefty))))) Another crap day to put on the crap day pile. Better day tomorrow.
Nite, nite all, and thanks for being there.
D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 55 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.
Posts: 3178 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK | mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336 | | Posted: 3:51 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Thanks UK and Lost for your wise words to ShamMarriage.
The post is in General not JFO for any others looking for it - sorry! The title is "180"
Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?
Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK | Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515 | | Posted: 3:53 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Thanks mum for the heads up.
I remember those days so well. That humans could do this to people they profess to love.
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine
Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London | hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197 | | Posted: 5:34 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Back home and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. Is everybody as picky about pillows, etc. as I am?
So Lost, glad everything went well.
Mum - do you think it is too late for me to respond. I am a newbie but could give her hugs. I will check it out.
UK and Lost - you guys need to move stateside so we can get you on our clock!!
I had another AHA moment today. At this point, I want my H in my life and I see him in my future, but my brain won't let my heart go there yet. My brain is holding back my spirit to see if his change is real. My brain is protecting my heart. Very interesting to step outside yourself and watch your various "parts" work to keep you safe.
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007 | runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752 | | Posted: 5:58 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
We are closer than we ever were.BUT I strongly suspect at this point that he is not who I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I am NOT what he wants either. We are greatly disillusioned with each other and ourselves.
Lost, I think I am the most impressed with your progress. That's quite something to be aware of, and quite another to admit out loud. You've certainly come a long way.
UK, you are sounding so strong and purposeful with your words today as well. The sun must be doing you girls well.
Haven't had that great of a week here, and tend to "hide" in my hole when I'm struggling. But I'm clawing my way back to the top again. We'll see how it goes.
Like you, Lost, the "lifestyle" is gone. The ease of our life before is missing. Money is a huge stressor all by itself--add that to this other "mountain" we're climbing...purely disasterous. A lethal combination for sure. What irony if we survived the LTA and then fell apart due to money struggles. 
Oh, P.S., Shirley, glad things went well with your mom. [This message edited by runoverbytruck at 5:59 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]
LTA BS
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006 | hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197 | | Posted: 6:09 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
(((Run))) - everything ok?
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007 | runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752 | | Posted: 6:20 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
OK???? Well, nothing different, if that's what you're asking. Sometimes the enormity of it all is overwhelming.
And frankly, some weeks I'm just not as strong as I think I am.
LTA BS
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006 | So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801 | | Posted: 6:41 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Well, I could have written that post myself Run. That so perfectly described how I feel somedays. It's a rolercoaster adn it will coast up again. Those downs just stink and have us doubting ourselves.
Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens
Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007 | hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197 | | Posted: 6:46 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
I am so sorry. I wish I could help all of us with some miracle cure. To see you two, with such strength, struggle scares the shit out of me.
"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu
Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007 | numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908 | | Posted: 7:12 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
((((run)))) and (((Lost)))) and all who are in the funk phase of the journey......
This LTA R path is NOT smooth, or even one directional.
I swear it is like being on a road that has constant switch-backs. Have any of you ever driven in the Rockies? It is an amazing, but at times perilous ride.
You drive for a while admiring the views and then... you are going around curves that literally do a complete turn around and you look down and see a drop that is so terrifying that you can hardly breath.
So similar to the LTA ride.
And then there's that nasty, insidious lethal plane of "beige."
Not bad enough to pack up, not good enough to want to stay.
We are here to survive...
Keep that as your mantra.
You are still who you are destined to be. The A cannot take that away...only if you let it. But like any injury, there has to be rehab time to heal and find your strength.
And even during that time, there are days when you feel you are back-sliding, or so damn inert that time has stood still.
Hugs to all.. [This message edited by numb and scared at 7:17 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]
BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb
Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: | hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317 | | Posted: 8:40 PM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008 | |
Run,
I couldn't have said it any better than Numb  I think I told you awhile back that I had been "up" for months and months, and then "wham" I was back to bottom. Even the most *trivial* things in my M sometimes set me off to trigger and downward spiral. It's one thing when it is an antiversary or something that I can brace myself for. It's a totally different ball of wax when the "funk" seems to come out of nowhere.
But, I can tell you that I am on the upswing again. And hating to sound like a broken record, I have to *remind* myself to take care of me. Sometimes I lapse back into old patterns i.e. taking care of everyone else and not looking after me. Then a bump or nosedive comes along and reminds me that I can never, ever be lulled into that old familiar pattern again. It helped to contribute to the A and I had lost myself. Anyway, this was my long-winded HB way of saying....
Pamper yourself a bit when you are feeling like this. I swear, it really does give a "lift".... maybe it won't get you completely over the hurdle facing you at the moment, but it will lessen the impact, usually.
Hugs,
HB [This message edited by hearbroken at 8:42 PM, February 10th (Sunday)]
Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)
Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005 | | Topic Posts: 1000 | |
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