Sooooo if anyone thinks this is abnormal then I guess I know what I'll be talking about at IC next week.
Seriously though, I guess it depends on what you think about it and what you think it means about him and whether it seems obsessive or not. Maybe he just needs to reassure himself?
Thanks for the messages about my sister. It is truly amazing what science can do these days. I've been injecting myself daily for a few weeks with all sorts of hormones, first to cause a "fake" menopause and then to supercharge egg production. I basically go through the same IVF process that someone would if they were trying to get pregnant themselves, except of course I don't go through the embryo transfer bit, that's down to my sister.
I have everything crossed at the moment, this would mean so much to her and the fear of failure is so strong for us both but there is also hope. I have to say H has been tremendously supportive about this as obviously the timing is not great, but due to my age we needed to do it now or never really, they don't usually like to use donors over 35 but because I have a one year old they've been happy to try as I'm obviously still in working order! (Great to be written off at the grand old age of 38 isn't it?) Anyway we'll know in the next couple of weeks if it's worked.
Weepy what do you think was different about your H during the time when you felt your M was good before ow died? Was he different then? Obviously he was keeping an enormous load of secrets from you, but did he seem open and able to communicate with you? Or do you think that because of the work you've had to do on you, you are no longer willing to accept what he has been able to give you in the past?
I'm pretty strong on the latter, I will not accept what I found acceptable in the past. Have you compared the two times at all, does it provide any answers?
BT congrats on the maths, I think you put yourself down too much, your maths might not be great, but only comparatively, as everything else you do is at genius level!
OTC - are you ok? Have you had your results?
Chin up everyone who is struggling at the moment. And have a lovely time to those who are meeting up, what a red ribboned, fluffy tissued, cry me a river kind of meet that should be!
Way to go Weepy!!! FNF - Happy for you too!!! Just cuddling for us this wkend. Frigid temps (-40 windchills) make me achey & tired. H is tired from his overtime. Plus we need to get the 'script' renewed and that's up to him.
post just ONE thing that is right or good in YOUR life at this time
Wish I was in the area to join the LTA get-together. I spend far too much time alone. I'm not able to motivate myself to do much of anything. Even going to the gym doesn't energize me.
Is this that plain of lethal flatness or just lethargy from being cooped up indoors? Dday anti-versary hangover? A little amnesia would be a good thing right now...
This weekend was good, and yesterday he was in stellar form...on the go with his chores, afectionate with me, playful with the kids, even spoke of sorting out his CV asap.Then today, its like that man disappeared and old pre-dday H stepped in. Today he was self absorbed, nippy, lazy PA POS I knew (and loved! )
For eg.he decides to skype his friend just before supper, saying it will take only 2min. 5 min later he says his friend will be calling him. I say we are having supper now! His friend calls and they chat and kids and I carry on with supper. He used to do this before. Avoid being with us, then go off for a cig, which will end just as we are done.Then he will eat alone in front of his pc.
Man, how the heck did I put up his crap before??
A group of fiesty kickass women (and men) wearing red bows and carrying boxes of tissues and Hospray!!!
Thanks for the laugh. I needed it. I am just hoping whatever DD1 has doens't spread as H is out of town and I don't want to be taking care of three sick kids while I am sick.
Lost - Reading your last post makes me think that maybe the rose colored glasses are now puce colored?
How about getting a gym buddy? Or join a walking group ?( or should that be better for summer??)
The first dday antiversary is a whole THING by itself. No matter how well we prepare, the ernomity of what happened and the after effects during the past year, is astounding.Maybe the inertia you are feeling is related? I dunno.
Sorry you are down though. Quite a few of us are going through the blues on SI.
Check out fun and games if you get a chance. They provide good distraction and entertainment!
Shirley, we are going to start calling you Florence (Nightingale) soon!
LAdies meeting up tomorrow. HAve a wonderful time. May it be the first of many more!!
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 3:21 PM, February 11th (Monday)]
OTC - are you ok? Have you had your results?
Sorry all, you're just too prolific for me these days. I can't keep up on our thread as work has really been getting in the way of my SI time! But just want to send hugs to all who are struggling and I'll try to catch up!
Exercise really does help.
Even on my bluest days, I try to at least go for a 30 min walk with the dog. Even if it is freezing cold and nasty, I come in rosy cheeked and feeling better. I believe that I think better when the blood is flowing and I am breathing hard (except for that other time when the blood if flowing and I am breathing hard ).
The one day that my mom was in the hospital and I couldn't get out, I was a mess. All the thoughts were jangling around in my head. The next day a long walk with the dog and much better.
<stepping off soapbox> Just my two cents.
BTW, anybody have any good home remedies for sore throats? We have tried:
1) gargling with salt water
2) tea with lemon and honey
3) bags and bags of Ricoli cough drops.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I am so sick and tired of all of this. I am so wondering if this is all worth it. I hate that he has done this to our family. I just want to have this all end, I am so ready to walk away but something keeps holding me back. I just don't know how to move on. How can I begin to move on? Shouldn't it be getting easier by now? I just don't know if 'I love him' is enough anymore?
DDay #1: 04 March 07
DDay #2: 10 May 2007 revealed all (I hope)
profile has all the sordid details...
got really pissed at him as he went on to say that he is sick of me finger pointing at him that there were 2 people in the A not just him and when I say that he started it up again after we reconciled 2006 (me not knowing about the A) that it was not all him.
This is classic blame-shifting. Whether they blame the A on the Affair Partner or they blame it on a "terrible marriage" or say that they don't think you "loved" them... whatever... it's all variations of things each of us on the Board heard when our spouses were still in what we call here "the fog." Don't LET him turn things around or escape responsibility here. This is part of him having to own his own shit. It is true that there were two in the A, BUT (as much as I hate to minimize the OW's role) your H was the one who made vows to you and broke them. He now needs to focus on making things right. And you can call the shots in terms of what the boundaries for your R will be.
Big hugs to you. Glad you are posting to get support, especially as it sounds like you somewhat of a false R. We have lots of "veterans" mixed in with lots of "newbies"... I hope you can find support amongst us.
HB is so right.
Not only is he blame-shifting, which is destructive enough..but in his LTA, the OW obviously persisted or allowed him to persist... even when he was supposed to be NC.
That is a special kind of deviant OW....one who knows damn well it is over, but now is trolling for leftovers.
I know this type of POS OW up close and ugly....been there, unfortunately.
So of course, you, the BS, can point the finger equally at both of them.
That's what makes for a "false" R in the LTA..
the OP is "STILL" in the wings, so to speak...and is willing...and hoping...and conniving..etc...etc.
Your MC, if she is savvy at all in LTA (and so few are) should address this with him.
The OP problem is much different for us here in LTA-land. This "other" person is the accomplice to the whole sordid deal. They know full well the WS is married and after enough time passes, knows full well they are the side-piece and will remain so. Or they work every scam they can to persuade the WS to leave.
Either way they were fully equal partners to the deceit.
Take this problem back to your MC....it was not dealt with adequately. To be fair, she may not realize that.
It sounds like he needs to hear that from her. And he needs it clarified that blame-shifting is just that..and not acceptable.
[This message edited by numb and scared at 11:23 PM, February 11th (Monday)]
I am so scared. What the hell happened? I mean he did not just "in the heat of the moment" did not mean it. They were seeing each other over and over again. And he can tell me he loved me? WTF. He said it was for pure sex? Does that make it any easier?
He said she was blackmailing him. What the hell.
Will I ever get any answers? Is he telling me the truth? Did she have an ounce of truth?
Sorry to ramble on and on. It is not a good day for me.
Thanks for listening.
I just wrote out a long post and acc deleted it. Arrggg.
Where shall I start? (again)
HB and NAS have made some good points.
Has your MC/IC given you tips/exercises on how to handle your anger? I know how overwhelming this anger can be, esp when you have a blameshifting WS, still in the fog.
Try googling EFT tapping. It works!
Your H is throwing out some classic WS asshat moves. (jeez, do they all read from the same book?? )
Dont let what he says get to you LGW. I know what its like reading here about how R should be , and how confusing it is when real life is not the same. Esp when you dont have people IRL telling you different.
Hang in the LGW. Like I told you, you are where you are supposed to be. How can you possibly move forward when you are still being gaslighted, when your H is still deep in the fog, when he has not come clean with you, when you havent had the time or means to recover. You are still in the firing line LGW. We were all there. It will get easier in time.
For now, its YOU. Look after yourself. Dont count on H to do that, as he is showing that he can be detrimental to your health. His focus now, is on minimising the damage, to spare your feelings but more I suspect, to spare himself.
Just a thought. I know you dont have anyone IRL to reach out to. Have you tried any aussie SI members? Just having a voice on the other side of the phone.It all helps.
Wow, I am still trying to figure out my answers to those questions (and I have been here since 2006! )
Just one answer that I DO know.
How do I compete with that??
You dont. You cant. WTF should you???
You cant compete with an illusion. Yes, she was a real person (with an obvious daddy issue) but in every respect that counts, she was one big house of mirrors and smoke.
This has been discussed a few times on SI and maybe someone can point out the thread to you. I think it was either by unicornsearcher or desertlotus.
Is your H in IC? Is he addressing the issues that led him to make these bad choices? Dont let up on this mgmd. He HAS to do this.
What about you? Are you receiving any support IRL?
What are you BOTH doing for your healing?
H had his IC last night. I dropped him off and then picked him up again. He didnít say too much, other than the talking was mostly about me and getting me right. (If thatís possible.) He should be delving into his reasons why and any foo issues imo, not talking about me.
Then thereís the dreaded day coming up. Heís booked a table, but what else does he have planned? Last year he offered my eternity ring back with a view to moving on to the wedding ring. But that was before I knew about his proposals to her. Yuck. It made the moment meaningless. 2006 he spent either side of ďthat dayĒ with her. Canít remember what we did. 2005 he spent it with her Ė I took #3son and his gf to the airport on 15th very early, so I know he didnít spend it with me. I expect the previous years were with her too. It makes me feel sick. He wants me to buy a new dress, but Iím not. I have that panicky desire to get in my car and drive off and not return until Friday. Itís what I do Ė I run away.
I lurked about a couple of times yesterday. I couldnít think of one positive thing to write. Not one good thing that has happened recently nor one I can look forward to. Iím just tired of it all, I guess. Wish I could just make it all go away.
How about how good you look despite all that you have been through?
This day is also getting crappy for me...and its not even midday yet.
H knows I am upset, that I am spiralling, and have been since last week. He KNOWS!
And he wont do anything. He hopes that by ignoring me that 1.I might get over this, or 2. go to someone else for help, or 3. I just disappear.
I loathe him. He is just sitting across me..and says nothing.
I want to run away too Uk. far far far away.
Just make this lump in my throat disappear.
Mgm, LGW, welcome.
There's lots of good information here in the library if you haven't looked yet. Especially the FAQ done by BS and the FWS from this site.
It's been asked probably by every member here... "how could he/she have done this?" or some variation.
The answer I've tried to make my own is that he was f'd up beyond reach of anyone. To the point of complete and total isolation from reality. Yes, he was here in the physical sense, but his soul and spirit were somewhere else. NOT necessarily with the OW, but in some dark place within himself.
And LGW, mgm until he accepts that it was ALL his choice, whether the OW pursued or whether she blackmailed, it was his choice to handle the situation the way he did. I've discovered that many of these people felt they had no control over their lives, felt directionless. And were incapable of making good, solid, reasonable decisions. If they could, nothing would have happened.
And as far as the over and over and over of the LTA.... my H described it as a bad habit, like smoking or drinking or drugging. Something you know is going to kill you (destroy your M) but it often takes some life-altering event to stop it. Whether it's discovery by the BS, an extreme illness or someting like that.
What that life-altering event was in my H's life at the time, I'm not sure. I can guess, but all he says was he was tired of not being able to look himself in the eye. Realization that his wife and children had a life he was no longer a part of... and of course, the prospect of being alone in his old age. He was NOT afraid of being found out, he'd passed that fear a long time before. He was postive he'd pulled it off and only because of my deep trust and eventually "denial" he did. They all did.
And by my estimation, that's the only part we played in this whole scenario... we didn't believe the person we chose to love and cherish most in our lives could do this. The M didn't make them do it, the BS didn't push them to it, the OW's part was irrelevant (at the start).
It was their inability to deal with life. Somehow they thought THIS was the answer. How you get to that point is their responsibility to figure out. Not ours.
Shouldn't it be getting easier by now? I just don't know if 'I love him' is enough anymore?
He said it was for pure sex?
Don't they understand that by gently dealing with our down days they minimize the eventual meltdown? I have said this to my H over and over and he still keeps making this mistake
Thats it Fnf.
I did try to tell him on Friday night, and his response was that I am spending too much time on SI, and am triggering over other peoples issues.
This week is HO#1's bday. He still says he doesnt know when it is. Just this morning! I dont believe him. That Ho was one selfcentred ASB bitch. They were "together" since 1990/91 (he cant remember. She would have made sure that the date was imprinted on his head. And he doesnt remember!
So Fnf and others, how do you deal with a meltdown that is looming on the horizon and a H who tends to go ostrich on you?
Btw, Fnf, thank you (and the others)for the kind words about me. I dont deserve them. I am still the f**ked up lost heart from 06. Somedays (like today)I dont feel like I have moved at all.Just more adept at hiding it.
Re, the birthday bit. I understand. H makes a big deal out of his birthday, everyone knows when it is because it's a holiday in March that's inappropriate for Italian men! But we Irish just love it!
He says they never discussed that kind of stuff, but I don't believe it either. Especially since while he was in the hooker phase, he was seeing them right around major holidays, birthdays, annivesaries, etc. Times of "oops I'm married stress". He swears he didn't know when her birthday was either and I'm sure he can't pinpoint the exact date, but I'm positive there was "celebration" at the time. He said he ALWAYS made it a point to be home on his birthday, and for all I remember, he did, but that doesn't mean there wasn't a recognition of it at the time.
Again, is this something they think will be the "last straw". That they've lied about so many times before they're afraid to admit to anything else?
Is it just that you think he's not admitting it? Can you tell yourself that's the case? I do. Whenever there's something I wonder and figure probably did happen, I just accept it as fact. It did, they did and he's never going to tell me.
We've got flakes here. Nothing much yet, but if this wasn't supposed to start until 1 PM, we're on our way to some accumulation.
fnf and Lost,
This is THE #1 issue for us too and has been this whole 2nd year.
I have said it a dozen ways to try to make the point.
How hard a concept is it to grasp?
...Deal with it humanely and defuse the moment...it helps us both.
But...It is the "hide till the storm passes" mentality...because hiding is instinctual....still.
This is yet another example of why the LTA is a different animal to deal with in R.
The mental habits and accompanying behavior that developed from that thinking is still part of their MO.
And....that behavior which does persist after D-day only serves to polarize the BS even more.
IC/MC must address this issue with LTA WS for R to ever be successful.
weather watching here too...I hope the forecast improves. Looking forward to meeting you and weepy too.
[This message edited by numb and scared at 8:29 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)]