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User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When is this "I can not believe he did this to me" going to go away.

mg, it's going to be a while, hon. I didn't start actually believing he did this to me until about 10 months out...and that was a month after I started anti-depressants. Up until then, all I could say was, "I want it undone." and I meant it. It was so sad.

Second one with a 19 year old. How do I compete with that. I am 43.

I know. My H's OW was 21. I was mid-30s. It's hard to be "up against" that. But the thing I held onto in my mind (even if it was FAR back in my mind) was that whatever her little 21 y/o CHILD body looked like--she was hidious inside. She stole from people. She stole from HIM--his family. So no matter how old and wrinkled or lumpy I am--I will NEVER BE HER, thank God. I couldn't live with myself.

I am so scared. What the hell happened? I mean he did not just "in the heat of the moment" did not mean it. They were seeing each other over and over again.

Yes, that is the thing most don't understand. A ONS would be hard--but one can see how it COULD happen "in the heat of the moment"--especially for men dealing with young woman. (ASSES. ) It's the repetitive, habitual, purposeful choice of life they made. It's hurting us every day for YEARS on purpose that's hard to live with. It robs you of your soul.

Sad to think that a 19 year old began her adult life as a piece of ass. I would be so sick to think I had a daughter who thought so little of herself.

EXACTLY. All those "youthful years" spent taking scraps from a married man. Nice waste of young life. She deserves it.

And for your H to take advantage of her stupidity is truly disgusting

Well, I'm not going to go that far. She knew what she was doing. She set out to "get" the married "nice guy" and she did. Young people these days are filled with entitlement. They want what they want and they don't care. The only thing he took advantage of was the open space between her legs.

Btw, Fnf, thank you (and the others)for the kind words about me. I dont deserve them. I am still the f**ked up lost heart from 06. Somedays (like today)I dont feel like I have moved at all.Just more adept at hiding it.

Oh, me too Lost. Some days I feel right back in the first year. Faking it, is more like it. But that's what they say..."Fake it till you make it."

You are stronger. You have come so far.

[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 8:43 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is also the type that knows when I'm struggling and keeps ignoring me until he thinks it's gone away only to deal with a raving lunatic. Don't they understand that by gently dealing with our down days they minimize the eventual meltdown?
Count me in on this one too. But do any of you have the problem of you yourself not knowing what you need. I do. H will ask me "what can I do" and I can't answer him. At times I feel like there is absolutely nothing that helps. If you can't turn back time and make it go away then, no you can't help. Any suggestions. IC told me to do trial and error. Tell him something to help and if that doesn't work try something different next time. But I still have a hard time even giving him any suggestions. I want him to be superman and read my thoughts and know what it is that I need. I mean, you broke it now you fix it.

Btw Good Morning All, I'm home today with DS sick. And I'm darn glad. Things at work are upside down and hectic. And....I get to miss it. My boss really really needs to hire me some help but refuses to do so. So I know that they are having a great time today with me not there. If he would just hire some help!!!!!!

Somedays (like today)I dont feel like I have moved at all.Just more adept at hiding it.
Not so much today but I do know that feeling all too well. I've been trying to give myself a break from LTA. I figure if I give myself a pass to not deal with it for a while, it will be there waiting for me when I come back. Not doing a great job at this, but trying.

I still wonder if I could find "something" that would keep me extra busy for about 6 months, that maybe I could retrain my brain to think about something other than LTA. When I'm busy at work there's just no room for LTA. As soon as things calm down it comes back. I wish I could find that "something" that would occupy my brain at every waking moment. I really feel like with as long as I've been dealing with this, that it has become somewhat of a learned habit. I've thought about LTA so long that I can't quit. If I could only cover it up long enough with other thoughts that it might unlearn my brain. Making any sense at all???? I think I'm going to take that up with IC. See what she thinks.

Check back shortly

FSA

[This message edited by Feeling so alone at 9:16 AM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC told me to do trial and error. Tell him something to help and if that doesn't work try something different next time.

We were in MC a while back. H complained that I'd ask him to hold me, he would and I would cry harder... so he stopped thinking THAT didn't work. He brought me flowers ONCE. I didn't roll over and forgive him so he figured THAT didn't work. He stopped trying anything because it seemed TO HIM that nothing was making it better.

I told him that I remembered him fixing our old computer. He tried this, when that didn't work, he tried that, when that didn't work he tried a combo of #1 and #2, then he tried a third thing. The point was he never quit trying.

(It was a bad example because he finally just wiped it clean and restored all the software... eventually we got rid of it because it was unfixable.)

I think it's part of the fear factor. It's part of their makeup. They're afraid to do anything to change the status quo. They were afraid to stop seeing OW because what if their life didn't improve, or what if OW did something or what if the wife found out and then he had nowhere to go. It's inertia.

One poster said a while back that when she got to feeling the downward spiral she'd tell H exactly what to do. If that didn't stop the free fall, she'd say "OK, that didn't work, try this, or say this" In the end she told him she didn't blame him for the fact that she was unable to stop the spiral and thanked him for trying. -- I must admit she had it way more together than I do -- but it might address their fear and feeling of inadequacy. They're (as my MC calls them) Yucky feelings. We try to avoid yucky feelings.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've discovered that many of these people felt they had no control over their lives, felt directionless[/quote

Weepy
I think there is a lot of truth in this. My H said he always felt i controlled him back then , but he came and went as he pleased while i loved and supported him, hell, he wasn't even on a long leash, he didn't have one period. He has said several times , i was always afraid of you. Not physically of course but any negative word and esp. of my not speaking to him, being quiet. I'm still trying to figure this out, it really just mystifies me. He also said he felt powerful and in control of the situation with OW.
Any words of wisdom??

And FSA i'd really like to unlearn my brain too!


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the snow has stopped here.

I'll go, but I'm stating for the record that I'd love this to be a meeting that wasn't rushed or with everyone worrying about getting home afterward.

OK, Lunch roll call.....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Haven't had much time lately to read all the posts. Who all is meeting up? Hope it goes great. Wish I was there.

One poster said a while back that when she got to feeling the downward spiral she'd tell H exactly what to do.
That's my problem though. I don't know what I want.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He also said he felt powerful and in control of the situation with OW.

Of course he did. He was. You had no input, no one was controlling that situation but him. He didn't ask opinions, ask for advice, OR give her anything that she could control about his "real" life.

My H said he did get a "rush" out of doing something that I had no say in. He said it seemed that anything else he did was MY way or no way. Funny I felt the same way from my point of view.

He did say however, the the affair itself was out of his control. That it became a "force", but since no one was telling him to or telling him not to, he was still in "control".

He lost control when I found out. He realized how awful it all was. While he was the only one knowing, he could make it out to be anything.... something he could "live" with, a mistake, no big deal. He minimized that as a means of "control" too.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for understanding. Its ...comforting to know that I am not only not the only one, but also that it happens to rational uncrazy people.

I have told him what to do before. I am tired of that conversation. He told me earlier that he is "tired of this shit". he seems to think that I go through this on purpose, that I should be more in control of it now. he likes to throw out that after all this time in C and reading and posting...that I am still f**ked up.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, if you're still f****d up then what is he? Does he give himself some room for the fact that he has his own issues he has to work on? My guess is yes, so why can't he for you?

Does it work for him, does it make him feel better when you point out to him that he has some major problems? Does he feel things improving for himself when you do that? I'd guess not, in fact completely the opposite so WTF is he doing putting you down all the time? What is this some kind of childish, "if I'm going to be talked about as bad then you have to be too?" He REALLY needs to get to the bottom of this one. Truly. Yes you have your issues, yes you understand that your behaviour isn't what it could be sometimes but for goodness sake lets give a little encouragement for even trying. He's so damn lucky you're even interested. If he is so miserable he should leave. Period. If he is tired of this shit, then leave. But that's just it, isn't it? He knows his life is better and he knows things are improving slowly but surely, so he knows full well it would be stupid to go, but he can't seem to help himself can he? And by not helping you he is not helping himself and someone needs to bash him over the head and thwack that into his brain. ie. Help Lost H ergo help yourself.

Is he deliberately trying to make your Marriage recovery last 10 years rather than 10 months?

Honestly. sorry - are we allowed to vent about someone else's H on this site? If that's too much Lost I apologise, but sometimes I just wonder what's going on in your H's head.

Having said that I think you need to give yourself more credit. You do give fantastic advice on here, that stuff is in YOUR brain, it didn't come from anywhere else, you have a way with words, you don't see it but you do. You are taking positive steps to move forward, the results may not be in yet, but you have started the journey.

I can add my H to the "buries his head in the sand when I am spiralling down" brigade. This is one of those things that I don't think is related to how remorseful they are. We had this discussion just last night. I asked him - if he knew I was finding things tough why didn't he ask me about it? instead of waiting for me to have a meltdown like I did at 1am on Sunday night? He couldn't answer. He's just silent. It's so frustrating and I think we may all be dealing with this one for quite a time to come. This is still avoidance. But he even avoids seeing that he is avoiding anything. He wants me to tell him. Which I accept I could do more often, but then, if I tell him everytime won't we then get back to the place where I'm the one who is controlling and everything is done my way. Isn't that what happened before that gave him the excuse to go and have an affair?

We did have a bit of a breakthrough last night though because he realised that in the early years of the affair it had seemed ok to him because he and ow always knew that she would marry someone else (cultural background thing). So he realised last night that to him that felt safe that she would not rock his marriage, that maybe this was an element of why he picked her, she was literally someone who could sooth his emotional needs (both physical and psychological) but would be no threat to his life, he was using her. I think this really surprised him.

We also talked about the fact that I think I am beginning to understand some of the whys. I can see where he had issues with our marriage, with his life, with his confrontation problem. What I don't get, and what I think I am finally beginning to realise I never will get, is, HOW he could do this? I can understand wanting an escape, of needing certain things, but HOW do you get to be that person that can do it? I guess, in the same way that I can't truly understand what it feels like to live in a war torn city with bombs raining down on you, (because I haven't experienced it,) I can't know this, because I haven't been there. But it tears at me every day. I ask How? more than anything else now. Not tactically how, but how could he be that sort of person?


[This message edited by mumto3sat at 1:58 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mum,

Awesome post!!

Not just for Lost's situation, but for the whole dynamic of it all.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While he was the only one knowing, he could make it out to be anything

Weepy,
This has turned out to be a major problem i fear. When it was over (she ended it) he re-wrote it as simply sexual and he's had 14yrs before he confessed to keep it that way, now he hardly knows the real truth himself. God, how will i ever know?


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks nas .



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could find that "something" that would occupy my brain at every waking moment. I really feel like with as long as I've been dealing with this, that it has become somewhat of a learned habit. I've thought about LTA so long that I can't quit. If I could only cover it up long enough with other thoughts that it might unlearn my brain. Making any sense at all?

Definitely makes sense to me FSA! Being home alone for 12 hours at a time is not conducive to thinking about anything else but the LTA. I can't concentrate to do anything constructive... or motivate myself to move outside my home (-30C windchill doesn't help but it has been the same for the past year) unless it's to go out of town to visit family. I still think about it while I'm away but it does take a back seat during the visit.

Like RunOTB said: "I want it undone." I want to turn the clock back about 8 yrs and have a 'do over'.

It is snowing here today. Not the big fluffy kind either! I don't know if that darn groundhog saw his shadow or not but I want winter over... anti-depressants aren't helping as they used do... broken sleep and disturbing dreams are the norm.

We don't talk about the LTA. He doesn't bring it up. His job is too intense right now for me to initiate LTA conversation. He is loving & affectionate... calls me during the day and when he's leaving the office. So for now that will have to do.
I haven't mentioned V-day although I gave him a card on Feb. 1st.

Need to make a Dr. apptmt so better get on that. Later...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
no mor surprises
♀ Member
Member # 7678
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is amazing, to me, how our dfb (dick for brains) h's were so stupid. The lta bs's I have met are more than enough for any normal man. That is why I know that their lta's were about them and their issues.

Hopefully with ic and with them working on themselves, they will really come to know what they did. Hopefully they will do the work, or at least enough work, for us not to feel that we are stuck with very damaged people.

Must go and get ready for the gym.

HUGS and Blessings to all of the tribe.

[This message edited by no mor surprises at 10:08 PM, November 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 1768 | Registered: Jul 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

are we allowed to vent about someone else's H on this site?

Mum, I do it all the time..havent you noticed??

He found me crying on the bathroom floor, curled up and rocking hard.I had become so angry at him and had to leave or I would have thrown every dish at him. I imploded in the bathroom.I so wished that I hadnt sworn to OTC and the others that I wouldnt hurt myself again.
He barged in, made some comforting noises and when I didnt respond, he left. That was just after 2. He hasnt come back again.

He cant handle my pain or anger. I can barely myself. But at least this time, I STOPPED myself from hurling something at him, becasue we all know how that turns out. This time, I was able to wash up and be ready to pick up the kids at 3.

You know what I think it is. I think its one of 2 things. Either he thinks he is indispensable, and that no matter how he treats me (as long as he is not cheating), he will be fine here.That I wont let him go.
OR that if he treats me like he does, that I WILL let him go, do his dirty work so to speak.

And I dont blame him, because thats what our history has shown him.

He told me that not long after DS was born, he knew the M was over and wanted out. But he was too chicken to do anything, so he just did his own thing, and he was surprised that he got away with it. Like he has said many times, I was spineless.

And just look at what he has done. Cheating and lying and the gaslighting all this time, and then all the crap after both ddays...and he is still here.

The man knows no different because I have shown him no different. And he witnessed the same in his own parents M.

The last paperwork for my job came through today. I should hopefully know by tomorrow when my starting date is.When my new chapter begins. God help him when I do grow a spine.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our ladies with the redbows met up! Yay!

Glad it went well NoMor. Thanks for letting us know.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I don't get, and what I think I am finally beginning to realise I never will get, is, HOW he could do this?

Lovely post Mum. I don't think this question can be answered satisfactorily for the BS. Why? Because we are the ones that are so hurt by the decisions that they made. No answer could ever justify the loss that we sustained as a result of this. I do think the WS is capable of answering the question for themselves though. The key is when they communicate it to us, we have to accept what they are saying. It may not "fit" with the enormity of what we feel, but their answer is their answer and it fits their understanding at the time. The answers they give are based in their own selfishness and that's why it is hard to here. It is not based in the moral sensibilities that WE have because those were lost to THEM at the time.

I can add my H to the "buries his head in the sand when I am spiralling down" brigade.

It's interesting because it's the same pattern they have in avoiding ending the affair. They just bury their heads in the sand and hope for the best...that it won't be discovered, that the OW will just get fed up and leave them alone, it's just avoiding the emotional turbulence.

I do bellieve they don't know what to do with the turbulence though. It's really critical for US to bring that piece under control. I know that it happens, and the meltdowns are a life force of their own, but at some point, we have to be introspective enough to examine HOW we get there. Then, when we feel the signs, we have to have some way to alert them, to prepare them for it. I do think journaling is helpful. When it gets pent up, write about it, so that you can get a clear idea of what is bothering you. ONce you write it down, it's almost as if you can leave it alone. It stops the brooding because it is written and you won't forget. It frees you to move on to other things. For those of you who journal, you know this. For those of you who don't, I really encourage you to try it.

Our ladies with the redbows met up! Yay!

Congratulations!! I would have loved to have been at the next table over listening to the conversation!!

On the Zanny front, R is going really well. It is amazing to see a fully committed partner to recovery. Really, the animal is unmistakeable when you see it in full form!!


Buckets and buckets!


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somedays (like today)I dont feel like I have moved at all.Just more adept at hiding it.

I kwym. You don't seem so Lost any more.

mgmd, welcome. I'm across the SF Bay from you. There is no competition as far as I'm concerned because like runover said, "I will NEVER BE HER, thank God". I could never do what OW did to me and to my family.

Shirley, glad your Mom is OK. Popsicles for the sore throat.

OTC, the pooches have been getting walked regularly. It doesn't hurt that it's been sunny and 60ish here.

[This message edited by Steelergal at 3:45 PM, February 12th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read all the posts from what I will now refer to as the “wise elders” (elder in experience not age obviously). Thank you all for sharing some very deep insights with us today. I am learning what my path may look like watching all of you who are much further along. I guess I am “lucky” in that I have (knock on wood) a fully remorseful spouse. The bad news is I think he pretty much rang the bell on the bad stuff before.

When is this "I can not believe he did this to me" going to go away.

mg, it's going to be a while, hon. I didn't start actually believing he did this to me until about 10 months out...

Okay, so mark 4 months from now on the calendar because I am still in the just make it go away phase. Not every moment like I was a few months ago but enough to know that I am, at some level, still in denial.

How do I compete with that

Mig – you aren’t competing with that. It could have been anyone. It could have been 19 or 59. It could have been large or small. It isn’t the physical attributes it is the ego stroking that they heap upon the WS. The whole thing is such a ridiculous fantasy that the WS can impose any attributes upon this person that they want and vice versa. My H has told me that he never really even thought too much about them when he wasn’t with them. Then again, he is a very extreme case.

He also said he felt powerful and in control of the situation with OW.

Of course he did, because the entire situation was happening is HIS BRAIN. It wasn’t real. He could make himself as powerful, sexy, strong, funny, etc as he wanted because he was living in a fantasy world.

My H is also the type that knows when I'm struggling and keeps ignoring me until he thinks it's gone away only to deal with a raving lunatic. Don't they understand that by gently dealing with our down days they minimize the eventual meltdown?

Okay, this is where my situation is different. In his former mode, my H ran from everything. He was a world class certified avoider. He is NOT avoiding this. The vitriol that I have hurled at him, the things I have said to him (all of which are true BTW), the complete meltdowns I have had, he has faced them all. He is trying to do anything to help me. But, there’s the rub, what do I need. As FSA says, I don’t know. I can’t tell him. Nothing seems to help but he doesn’t run. Maybe this is a good sign; maybe it is because it is early and he hasn’t become sick of dealing with it yet.

Mum – unbelievable post. I started copying and pasting and realized I would end up pasting the whole thing! What insight!

He found me crying on the bathroom floor, curled up and rocking hard.I had become so angry at him and had to leave or I would have thrown every dish at him. I imploded in the bathroom.I so wished that I hadnt sworn to OTC and the others that I wouldnt hurt myself again.
He barged in, made some comforting noises and when I didnt respond, he left. That was just after 2. He hasnt come back again

Oh (((Lost))) how can he do this to you. You are such a good soul. Why? Why? Why? If you grow a spine you are going to have at least 2 maybe three with all the crap you are dealing with and the strength that you show.

Our ladies with the redbows met up! Yay!

Adding another Yay!


Zanny I am so happy for you. Can you take a photo of this elusive animal and post it here so we know what it looks like when we see it!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
shammarriage
♀ Member
Member # 18029
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, February 12th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My (Sham)strength is not as great as I had realized. But my gut instinct is greater than I thought. In the middle of a 180 I took one more piece of paper work to the porch and he was there for pick-up.

He seemed to have no remorse asking me what I had to say so I responded what do you have to say?

We talked over coffee and I realized that my original suspicion was true-he only wants to protect his assets. He said he was sorry but that MC is where he wants to do his talking. I responded again MC is for those who walk in on an equal footing. You have all the pieces to the puzzle I have only some-I'll not subject myself to a sandbagging with a witness.

All right I'll give you the details then will you go to MC yes all the way through the divorce I will. Ans we can start over after the D he became irate, agitated and I called him on it.

He said I love you not her she has nothing to do with us. I said there is no us and she has everything to do with you and is still calling and contacting. NO CONTACT means just that and you couldn't do it. I don't want a 3 person marriage or the fear of one.

But I love you he said and my response was that I didn't want to be with anyone who could destroy me like this in the name of love. Wasn't sure what feeling that was for him but I wanted no part of it.

Well he had a 21 page document to fill out and he has no time for this he has to work since I'm not working and what about the kids. I said then don't take us over the coals in the proceedings be as generous as you can to your family.

Your not thinking about the kids yes I am I said- I am thinking that our 19 year old daughter should learn never to be a doormat for a man who doesn't respect women. And that our 20 something son should never do this to the woman he loves in a committed relationship. And that we all should have 1/2 the assets before you find anymore girlfriends to spend even a small portion of our money on-let alone any grandiose trips to romantic destinations.

We said goodbye me sobbing and he wanted to hold (1st time in years)me but I recoiled he wanted to talk tomorrow but I said no not necessary and for the record...I think he canceled his IC visit for tomorrow.

You see it was all a game just to avoid D and not for anything else. NarciSSistic?
sociopath or split person affair? whatever that is

Thanks all for responding


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