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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, I so hear you on the MC issue. Our MC was so highly regarded and she was the one who said A's are normal, and that I shouldnt label H as being dysfunctional or broken.

Which is why I gave up on MC and decided to focus on IC. I am fairly confident with my IC, and I am hoping that H's IC will make some breakthrough with him. His other one, despite having upteen books and workshops , to his name, was bloody useless! The same one who told him NOT to give me details about the A's because I was only torturing myself, and that H must keep what they discuss confidential.
NO ONE is going to be making decisions about MY life again WITHOUT me knowing it again!

Back to the topic: Despite there being such a flood of therapists here in LOndon, I havent found one who deals with LTAs.

***
Shirley, I think its really positive that your H is reading here and showing strides in his recovery. I am sure you can see the change, for like Zanny said,

It is amazing to see a fully committed partner to recovery. Really, the animal is unmistakeable when you see it in full form!!

Maybe I will see that oneday.

***
BT, I do believe we posted at the same time, and I was off by an hour.
I am so going to TRY to be here at 10pm! Thats like past my bedtime you know??!
I'll put the alarm on.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is amazing to see a fully committed partner to recovery. Really, the animal is unmistakeable when you see it in full form!!

Lost - I think it is too early to declare my H in this category. I have enough healthy skepticism reading here to know that he is going to have to be doing this a looooooot longer before I will completely buy it.

Our MC was so highly regarded and she was the one who said A's are normal, and that I shouldnt label H as being dysfunctional or broken.

OMG! are you kidding? What is wrong with these people? Am I the only one on here with a really good MC. I swear to god she has been completely supportive of me from the beginning even telling H that in her opinion he was lucky that I was even in MC with him and that I was a wonderful woman and he was a fool for risking what he had. I swear I could almost hug her every week. Maybe we will have to buy her a round the world ticket so she can go door-to-door grabbing each of your Hs by the nuts and squeezing!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

shirley, I think that's a great idea! Let me send you airfare to Pennsylvania! We could do a group right here in our area! No, I understand that fnf has a good one too.

We see ours on Friday. I have been thinking on and off for months about dropping her, but whether H will consent to see another, I have my doubts. Her only fault has been that she HASN'T grabbed my H by the collar and told him what a lucky SOB he is. And because no one knows about this, I am the only one telling him. The opinion of someone he marginalized for so many years is hardly the same as hearing it from a professional or from a family member.

My IC has had to tell me to remember that I am the best thing that ever happened to him, even if he can't say it or believe it. And to treat myself like I am. That I'm responsible for knowing that.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO ONE is going to be making decisions about MY life again WITHOUT me knowing it again!

((Lost))))

Do you hear the lioness roaring here.???
I do....

You, my friend, are going to make it......You REALLY are.!!!

[This message edited by numb and scared at 3:57 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, Shirley, feel like cracking open a bottle of La Crema with me? I thought you had style, darlin'!

Today is one of those days you wonder if any of this will ever be worth it. I'm in the throes of an anxiety attack and can't catch my breath. WH is leaving Monday for a business trip to Europe that will last a little over a week. These trips always seem to bring out the worst in me. He had the great idea of downloading Skype on both of our computers, as well as buying web cams, so we would be able to communicate better while he is gone. Sounds good, but Skype is such a great tool for cheaters. And since I have very little trust built up in WH, the little voice in the back of my mind wonders who else he plans on talking to- and I'll never know. But I know I'd never know, anyway, with email or work phones. When will his leaving on a business trip NOT bring on anxiety induced psychosis? Blah.

So while trying to get myself in control, I have hordes of my family coming down to visit this weekend, and I just don't want them here. I don't need to play perky hostess when I'm anything but. I. DON'T. WANT. THEM. TO. COME. Not this weekend. Oh well.

Topped off with extreme school and behavior issues with my DS, and my youngest DD fighting off a bad virus (her babysitter has viral pneumonia), I just want to throw myself a big 'ole pity party. Anyone want to join?

Geez, thanks for letting me vent a little.

ETA- crap- and tomorrow is V-day. I always try to make the day special for the kiddos, but bah-humbug! I have nothing ready.

[This message edited by unabletocope at 4:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When will his leaving on a business trip NOT bring on anxiety induced psychosis?

UTC - If you find out will you let me know? My H took about 4 months off from travel after dday. He is starting back in and he goes everywhere around the world (including those countries that offer "massages" in the hotel ). I just hate it.

BTW, am working on a bottle of the "cheap stuff" tonight - Rodney Strong Sonoma County.

How about PF Changs lettuce wraps with Conundrum - yuuuummmmm..<licking lips>


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How about PF Changs lettuce wraps with Conundrum - yuuuummmmm..<licking lips>

I would kill for Changs lettuce wraps!!! The closest one is 240 miles away.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good news tribe! The pap came out showing NO ABNORMAL CELLS!!!! YEAH!!!!!! Can't tell you how relieved I am. Just called H at work who got all choked up. There will be some celebrating at the Cowgirl residence tonight! Wish I could say that puts me 100% in the clear but that only happens after three more paps every three months with the same clear results. But it's highly unusual after getting a clear one to have that happen. YEAH!!! Thanks for all your support, concern and follow up to all of you. Can't tell you how much it means to me to know the tribe has been behind me on this one. I'm finally beginning to feel like the diseased whore bitch from hell is no longer IN ME. I can't tell you how much THAT was weighing on me. Equally with the health aspects. Bye-bye BITCH!


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeeeeee-Haaaawww OTC

I am so happy for you. Celebrate!!!! Enjoy!!! Sending you big congratulations hugs!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just hopping on while H is busy doing a few chores and saw that OTC's pap came back normal and I gotta tell you that is the BEST news I've heard all week. You know how we were all worried about you and now that you are rid of that Bitch from Hell - well - hip hip fucking hooray!!!!! I am starting my V - day toast a little early tonight in honor of your results. You go girl!!!
Weepy - you know I think my IC/MC is the best and I'm willing to share if anyone needs one who is willing to put their FWH in his place.
Oh and BTW, he gives you a full hour none of this 50 minute crap.
But Shirley, yours does sound phenomenal and if I wasn't so satisfied with mine I think I would make the trip north.
Maybe we will have to buy her a round the world ticket so she can go door-to-door grabbing each of your Hs by the nuts and squeezing!!!


Now Shirley, I have to admit that mine just might draw the line on this one but it is tempting to give yours the opportunity!
NAS - I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. If there's anything at all I can do to help you through this day, please let me know. I will be around all day tomorrow and NoMor and Weepy have my number if you want to talk. BTW NAS, great post to LostHeart - she is the lioness, isn't she? I love her strength - Lost, you are an amazing woman and I will be more than happy to personally let your H know that on my next visit to the UK. You just let me know the time and place.
(((UTC))) - those away times are the worst but we will help you through them. Just keep posting and know that the tribe has powers we never even knew we had, isn't that right OTC???
To all the tribe - hugs and so much appreciation for everyone of you.
ETA Shirley I noticed your note at the end of one of your posts and I wanted to let you know that I don't mind at all and I hope that my post helped you and your H is some way.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 6:24 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<<<jumping up and down>>>

Yay OTC!!! Good riddens diseased ho-bitch!

So happy for you.

Unable--I'm sorry. I know these trips suck for you.

(((((((((((((((((nas))))))))))))))))

My heart is hurting for you right now. I know tomorrow is going to be hard. It's a day--don't let yourself give it any more significance than that. Look at how many days you've made it through, and how you've endured. Just one day--and then it will be over. Can you try and see it that way? It sucks that it's Valentine's Day...but who needs that day anyway? We all don't even want it either. (I'm horrible at pep talks, but my heart is there.)

I'll be thinking of you. Chin up. Shoulders back. Feet forward. Onward march. We're all in this with you.

We love you, nas.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Woo hoo, OTC!!!!!!! Thanks for letting us know your results!


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC, great news about the pap. So happy for you.

Too many wise things being said to quote them, but what a wonderful and insightful bunch are the members of this tribe.

Haven't posted much--not much new. I'm in the same boat as someone pages ago who said there isn't much talk about the infidelity around here cuz of being so damn busy--a few mini discussions here and there, but mostly just living life.

I still have the urge to scream out--what were you thinking, how could you lie so well and for so long, how could you be so uncaring about me and your family, etc. etc. But I don't--the few things that have happened make it clear that H is perfectly aware of the long-lasting affect on me and us, and god knows we're both trying mightily.

I'm with OTC--it's such a relief to be on this thread and share with those who TRULY understand, and despite all the pain and work and day to day heartache, keep on trucking. And not to have to explain anything when things meltdown or feel terrible or even feel good.

That MC is just wrong--does it occur to them to ask what the BS was thinking during the infidelity months and years? I know is my case and all of ours, we were programmed to trust our spouses, whatever disconnect was going on I know I blamed on a long- term marriage, getting older, busy lives--and my only mistake was not calling H on his emotional checking-out of our marriage. And joining in with the parallel lives we were living. I just thought it was what was normal, a slump, whatever--never thought it was the end of my world as I knew it. And his.

We'll see what happens on V-day--I reminded him last week, but now I'm thinking that we shouldn't do anything special. Still don't feel like a real Valentine to him--although he would object to that I know.

I'm having trouble with the "I love you" statements--I need to hear that all the time, and H is back to his usual stuff of not being expressive and saying that, except after sex--the other night, I actually said to him, after he had said ILY, "do you really"?--he asked me, do I still have to ask him that?

Yes I do--and will need that verbal stuff for the rest of my life, and I still won't believe it totally. I know he does love me, but it's not the way I thought he did, and that feeling will never return. But I absolutely need to hear that he cares, verbally--not just by him being here and living a normal married life and all that. Just not enough anymore.

Hugs to all. How many of us are in NoCal?


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EXCELLENT NEWS, cowgirl....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ding, dong... the witch/bitch is dead...la,la,la..

Now that you know your, as Oprah would say.....your "v-jayjay" is pristine and healthy....Celebrate !!!!

FNF,
thanks so much for the thoughts and offer.
One request, would you PM the name and number of your C. He sounds like a winner.

run,

I'll be thinking of you. Chin up. Shoulders back. Feet forward. Onward march. We're all in this with you.

Oh thanks, run...love you all back.

Okayyy....shoulders back, chin up, boobs out...here I come, V-day.
I am ready for you.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone. H will be home soon and I've got a bottle of Moet Chandon on chill. Bubbly - on a school night! Me and my pristine v-jayjay are gonna..... OK forget it. TMI.

Numb - Think Verizon commercial. We're all there with you tomorrow hon. Chin up, head back, boobs out! You kill me!

(((((unABLE))))) I know how hard this is but the time has to come for many of us that we say if they don't know now than ever what they've got at home, THEY DON'T DESERVE IT!!! Join us in the chin up, head back, boobs out club while H is away on his trip. Girl, you're worth staying faithful for and he knows it damn well now. No one, and I mean NO ONE is EVER going to love them like we have. We stayed when they SHOULD have been abandoned. Only a fucking idiot would turn his back on that. And who the hell wants to be married to an idiot. They were just stupid before. This would classify as idiot. I'm guessing it will be harder for him to be away from you than you him. He knows the treasure he has now - for real. For keeps. And if he doesn't, then the village has just gained a new idiot. ((((unABLE)


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
unabletocope
♀ Member
Member # 11730
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC- Thank you. Just thank you.

You, your pristine va-jay-jay and hubby have a great night!

NAS- we are all here for you, hon.


me-LTA BW


Posts: 2598 | Registered: Aug 2006
zanny
♀ Member
Member # 13183
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC...yarhoooooo!!! Ding dong the witch is dead....only a few more months until the green-faced waddleneck is really dead!!!

I have enough healthy skepticism reading here to know that he is going to have to be doing this a looooooot longer before I will completely buy it.

Yes, it's not a matter of *buying* it for the long haul, but it is recognizing it for *now*. I know enough to know that I will never feel completely safe. That's a part of this. If the expectation is to return to what was, then the expectation is unrealistic. Skepticism is required for our own protection, I don't believe that ever leaves.

For now, I see a H who is reading books, eagerly accepts other books to read, attends IC, and dialogues about the A based on his own initiation. I did not get that before. I got what I thought was a very remorseful H who listened to me and consoled me without rapproach, but I did not get initiation and analyses that he gives now. You know, I have to say that the difference for me is that I want him to do this for HIM. Not for me, whatever happens, I'll be okay. I've accepted that, but to see him harness his own transformation, that's something I selfishly want to witness, but the results aren't for me. There is a resignation that comes with a second d-day...the internal struggles leave because you accept the LOSS. I never wanted to conceive of letting go of my marriage and my family..now, I have embraced that as a very real possibility.

It is a relief for today...that's all I can look at. I am not sure I can ever look to the future for assurances in anything, and I am not sure I want to live like that again. What I had before all of this was a wonderful innocence, and I missed that for so long. Now, I know it's gone. I don't expect it back, but I don't want it either.

Shirley, it sounds like you have a wonderful therapist. How did you find her?


((((n&s) You are especially in my thoughts on VD day (which is what it is for the herpewhores still operating out there!)

Unable, Run, HB...I hear your struggles and I am sending you extra buckets of prayers.

Congrats to the lunching girls!!

2PM won't work for me, but I will be sending big red mental hearts and hugs!! I can try and join in a bit later, and maybe I'll catch you.

Sorry for anyone I missed, you are all fabulous!!


BS-Me
WS-Him
D-day #1 LTA
False Reconciliation then
D-day #2
In reconciliation


"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."


Posts: 573 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: The Middle of Somewhere
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bye-bye BITCH!

((((OTC))))


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Night John Boy


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, February 13th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OTC,

YAY, YAY, YAY.... I am glad you are going to celebrate. One milestone at a time, right? And this one merits some celebrating.

NAS,

Thinking of you as VDay countdown begins.....

Well, guys, I won't be on too much tomorrow, as I am hosting a second-grader class party
I will miss "the call" but thinking of each of you.

Hugs,
HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
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