The weight gain then was part of testing him. I do remember thinking that he must really love me if he's still here when I weighed what I did. But truly we were both so f'd up during that time, who knows. I do know that this IC says my eating is defensive. She says instead of putting physical distance between us, I'm putting the fat.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I was 46kg when we got M'ed. I fluctuated after each pg and went on to develop a VERY unhealthy relationship with food. In retrospect I can clearly see that the worse our M became, the more I ate. Food became my substitute for my emotional deprivation. Anything good or bad happened, I had food to pull me through, to celebrate or comfort me.
At my heaviest I was 75kg, as DD was then 3 years old, I could no longer say that I had just had a baby.
I know it def impacted our sex life. We would never leave the lights on. He would never see me naked in daylight.
Then in 2005, I started eating a bit more sensibly and I joined a gym and slowly started losing a bit. I felt fitter and firmer. Then on 3 June that year, it was actually my angel's birthdate and we were invited to a friend's sons's bday party. I didnt feel like celebrating preferring rather to remember my baby at home, but went for the kids sakes. This lady asked me if I was pg, and I said no, just fat. And she kept on insisting that I was pg and I kept denying. She made such a scene that my 2 close friends came over and told her to shut up.They knew what day it was.Dont ask me how, but I held my tongue and the tears rolled silently down my face. I guess i was a very controlled person then.
And then I went back to eating.Food couldnt hurt me.
After dday 1, i lost the weight overnight. I would go for days without food, just tea and half a slice of bread. My weight went down from 65 to 49kg.
But as my apetite returned, I slowly started putting on again, and since last November, I found that I have been "using" food again.
Yesterday when I met Ukgirl, I wore a trouser that was falling off me in Dec. Now it just fits. I now weigh 53kg.
There is a definite relationship between food and my emotional wellbeing.
I truly long for the days after dday when I couldnt eat, when everything tasted like nothing.
You know if you guys are into reading about this stuff, I know Oprah had recommended a book some time ago making the connection re over eating and emotional wellbeing.Found it!
Its Make the Connection: Ten Steps to a Better Body--And a Better Life
Hope that helps.
My H was in an A when I was young and firm and slim. He was in an A when I was older and heavier. It didnt seem to make a difference to him. OW#1 was chubby. OW#2 was slim.
I know he prefers me firmer and I do too. Losing the weight has done wonders for my confidence in the bedroom and the outside world. I LOVE shopping now.
When I do lose this last 5 kg, I will do so for ME. I dont care if people say I look gaunt, I loved the way I looked. I will be there again.
As for H, it has never bothered me how he looked.His weight fluctuated, he has never been fit...and I didnt care. Its what was inside that mattered. Now we know what was inside...
Now I actually find myself LOOKING at him. And appreciating his good bits. And it seems that he is beginning to want to improve his body too. However, my aim for him would be to improve his health, which frankly sucks!
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 2:25 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]
But I get what you're saying.
I know I've mentioned that I know the exact moment he "came out of his fog" and that was around Christmas 2003. We went out of town for his mother's birthday in January. I started my diet that day. I saw clearly the correlation between him suddenly treating me like I was important and my desire to lose the weight. By July I had only lost 20 lb. or so and knew I'd have to add some exercise to get any further.
One day I went to the gym down the street and joined. He had a bird! Too much money, I didn't need that, I could just walk and get the same benefit. Boy after I found out about the hookers, did I let him know what wasting money was!
I remember the day our sex life began again. I had come home from the gym shortly after starting and H asked me again why I'd joined without "consulting" him first. I told him that #1 my dr. had scared the living crap outta me with his diabetes diagnosis and #2 I thought if I lost some weight we could have a sex life again. And he said "you wanna start now?"
So that's it -- July of '94 to July of '04,my years of Oreos and celebacy.
And yes LH, I try to remember he cheated on me just before we were married, when I was "perfect".
Also when did that unhealthy connection start? I know mine started when I was v young. Food was not just food you know?
Anyhow, going to log off now. Got a date with H.
Now that I know why, I am drinking even more. I know it is bad, I guess I am a highly functioning alchoholic. I am very athletic. Still compete in sports at my age at very high level. Keep myself fit, kids do well in school, clients are happy, but have to have my wine at night.
I have already made a pact with myself and my H (whose "problem" was much worse than mine - read his profile) that I will address this as soon as I am "stable". H has stopped almost completely and he is helping me with this but it is very unhealthy. I think if I don't get any more ddays or other tragedies in the near future I may be almost ready.
Soooo...who else has an unhealthy relationship with something? Come on everyone, fess up!
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 4:44 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]
I'm similar to Shirley- I would classify myself as a highly functioning alcoholic since d-day. I have a couple glasses of wine, or beer, or rum and pepsi every night. It doesn't interfere with me or my kids lives in anyway because I won't imbibe if I have to do the mommy chauffering all night or if there's anything else going on. I won't have my wine until dinner or after, but it's almost always there. Everytime I start getting my feet under me and try to wean off, another d-day or round of lies seems to crop up and sweep the stability out from under me.
[This message edited by unabletocope at 4:53 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]
Sunday, after the Super Bowl, I had a huge trigger- bigger than anything I"ve had in a long time. WH and I don't talk about the A too much anymore (not much left to say), and I've gotten really good at stopping triggers lately before they become debilitating. However, this was a doosey and left me feeling off the rest of the night. It didn't go away, so yesterday morning it festered and grew until I had one of those old on-the-bathroom-floor meltdowns. Still haven't said anything to WH, so he called me at lunch to tell me he couldn't make it home. That made it worse because, dammit, he should be home cuz I needed him, right? Can't he read my mind?!?!?! I finally got myself somewhat together by the time I had to pick the older kids up from their after school activities, but when WH arrived home from work, he took one look at me and knew I was barely keeping it together. He came up and hugged me for a long time and said "I'm sorry- what can I do to fix it? I'm so sorry" I re-composed myself and we made dinner and put the kids to bed. By the time we went to bed, I could just feel myself slipping again and started to cry (quietly I thought because I didn't want to wake him up). WH did wake up, rolled over and held me for two HOURS until I'd gotten all of it out of my system. And then...um....yeah.... we had one of the most tender rounds of making love, ever, and it was all him trying to love me.
This morning things were good again, and it almost feels like we still might have a chance of making it through this.
ETA- I guess there really wasn't much point to this except to say sometimes WH really can do the right things at the right time.
[This message edited by unabletocope at 5:08 PM, February 5th (Tuesday)]
What I mean by this is that I know the difference is in me. I feel so bad about myself that I don't believe him when he insists he is attracted to me, in fact I often just don't say anything when he says I look nice or something, or I push him away when he grabs me, all because I feel bad about myself, it's not because I don't want him it's because I don't understand why he wants me. I can see this is actually pushing him away in a way that I need to sort out, because it will destroy our marriage if I let it (years away maybe, but the seeds are there for me, not for him but they are for me). Last time this happened years ago I did not recognise it, this time I do and I will not let it get the better of me again, but I am at a loss as to what to do about it.
Everything you've said Weepy makes me think you may be in a very similar situation. Even though you feel like you approach your H and he rejects you, is that really what is going on or is he right and there are vibes again? IS there any chance there is something about your approach that makes him move away rather than towards you? I say this gently because I know how it feels to think, oh yes, something wrong with me again.
I was going to write something about H earlier in another post and when I reread it I realised I was being really disingenuous towards him because I realised that anybody reading that particular paragraph would think H was still in his fog when in fact the truth is that he is not. I was in fact writing through my BS fog and it made me wonder how many others things I think about him and me, I see through the same filter and see as worse than they actually are and then I communicate that to others (my mum for example) when in fact the truth is not quite that way if I will let myself see clearly. Do you know what I mean? Maybe this is just me. Anyway, 2008 needs to be our year of getting our self-esteem back don't you think? I wish to god I knew how.
Lost H I don't know if my weight has followed good and bad patches in my relationship with H. I've been overweight all my life (tree trunk legs was a particularly nice nick name at school - ironically my legs are one of my best features now) I was thin when I met him, put on weight almost immediately but he was overweight then as well, since then I've been up and down but mostly up. I was at my thinnest when he was deepest in the emotional part of his LTA, in fact it was then that he thinks that the affair started to unravel slightly, so I don't know whether this correlates, I'll think about it a bit more. I certainly think that burying myself in home DIY projects and my work covered some of the cracks for me. I had my attention everywhere except on my marriage. I thought I was happy, now I realise I wasn't. Not really. What a waste.
UTC I got into a slight amount of drinking right after Dday. It took the edge off at night. But it didn't last long. Then I went to xanax. I've just about given them up lately. In the last probably 3 weeks I've had maybe 3. I was up to 3 to 4 daily. And what a nice story btwn you and H. Sometimes they really do come through for us. Reminded me on a night quite some time back, like probably a year ago. I had had a rough rough go. H kneeled down beside the bed and held me. I woke up a couple of hours later with him sleeping that way. Poor thing could hardly walk when I got him up. But that meant sooooo much to me that he had fallen asleep in a terribly uncomfortable position trying to nurture me through a terrible meltdown. We didn't go for the loving though, I don't think he would have been able, he was in so much pain.
Soooo...who else has an unhealthy relationship with something? Come on everyone, fess up!
Weepy did you check into the grapefruit? I did a little reading up on it when I noticed the warning on my xanax. Seems that it is almost like getting an overdose of your medication when you mix it with grapefruit. Not all meds, just certain ones. But if I'm not mistaken the last AD that I was on had the same warning on it. So please check it out.
I had a good day. Thank You Lord. I do always try and remember to give Him the glory for my good days.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
I've been busy as a bee the past two days so thought I'd check in before I become glued to the TV for the night. One of my vices is that I'm a bit of a political junkie. So tonight is like the NFL playoff games and November will be like the Superbowl for me. I'm so excited I can't see straight!
Speaking of vices/addictions. Food Food Food Food Food. I have been cursed with the love of cooking and fine foods from around the world. I have been overweight since age 8 and know more about nutrition and dieting than most nutritionists and dieticians! It's SICK! So now I sit here with my big butt in this chair at about 50 lbs. overweight. It was a HUGE hang up for me pre-A and during A days. On Dday I threw it out the window cuz I figured if he threw me over for a skanky whore 12 yrs. older than me that looked like a Thanksgiving turkey with her waddleneck, smoked (sorry FSA I know you smoke but as an ex-smoker I now know how much it stinks) and only about 20 lbs. less than me I could give up my paranoid body image. I wear my weight well (meaning it's well proportioned) but there's still waaayyyyyy too much of it. So I'm on day two of a meal replacement shake for breakfast and lunch and then a normal dinner served on a salad plate for portion control. Snacks are apples, almonds, hard boiled egg or low fat cottage cheese. Very small portions. How am I doing? Shit! The dog started looking tasty this afternoon. I'm HUNGRY!!! And I DON'T LIKE DEPRIVATION - especially when it comes to food. But this really is the last piece for me to feel really good about myself and getting myself in order to be my strongest and at the top of my game.
I know I've carried on about martini's here and the first year had me a little worried as I come from a looooong line of Irish drunks. Mother, father, brother. Also have had two aunts, one uncle and two cousins drink themselves to death - literally. So it's a bit of a fearful thing for me. Genetic, ya know? I went at it hard and heavy in year one but I figured it was easier to deal with alcoholism after some time had passed than suicide or a complete nervous breakdown. My drinking is back to normal now - one or two a week.
Wish I could report I was addicted to exercise but no such luck!
unABLE and FSA - I was really touched by your stories of tenderness from your H's. Suppose none of us would have them around after LTA if they weren't even capable of moments of incredible love and tenderness.
Gotta go. The polls are closing.
Wish I could report I was addicted to exercise but no such luck
Weepy- my anti-anxiety meds also warn against grapefruit use.
About the weight issues? My WH started his A when I was very, very pregnant with our 3rd child. Boy, that sure does a lot for one's self esteem, doesn't it.
LH- 53kg? I think that's roughly 116 pounds, girl! You are NOT heavy at ALL! I hope your date went well tonight.
I don't really give WH enough credit for the things he does right. It seems he only comes up here when I'm triggering and pissed off at him. Day to day, things are pretty good. He tries to show he loves me in many ways, all of the time. I can't tell you how many times he's sent me emails saying "I love you and I hope one day you will learn to believe that again". He backs the words up with actions.
But, he's also done too much damage and I'm still so broken that I wonder if things will ever be consistently good again. I'm working hard at finding myself again and being at peace with myself, but, damn, I really miss the life we used to have.
But, it can be better if we make it through. And if we don't, I'll be okay (I think!
I've had a few crutches. Food for sure. Alcohol on and off. And something that for lack of a better term, I call escaping into unreality.
I've spent a lot of time in my life in avoiding my reality by exiting into fiction. I think that in part explains my love of reading. It was not unusual for me to read a dozen novels in a month at one point in my life. I was also an avid movie and television watcher. And I wrote my own short stories and poetry. I spent more time in make-believe worlds than I did in my real one.
My IC tells me it was a way of dissociating. I think she was right.
ARGHHHH..... But I am getting back on track now and love the support here on this subject. I do think there is an element of not wanting to stick around a long time- and continuiing depression here. The thought of the kids leaving (yes, I know it is another 14 years away) and it being *just* my H... well, that just doesn't sound that pleasant to me anymore. Pre A I used to look forward to those "golden" years with H. Now.... sigh.....
Well, girls (and guys that are lurking) I am proud of all the progress that we all are making and have made. Really it is amazing that we all didn't just completely give up after dday...
(sorry FSA I know you smoke but as an ex-smoker I now know how much it stinks)
HB my weight is exactly like yours. I lost 35lbs after Dday but have recently put about 10 back on. But to be quite honest I was getting a little too thin. Not really in my book, but other people were telling me that I was.
BT, I can associate with the reading. Before Dday I was never without a book in my hand. And they were usually romances. I think I was living out my dreams of romance through the books. Went to bed every night reading instead of paying any attention to H. Since Dday not one single book. I just can't stay focused. I have read a couple of R books or A related books, but no novels.
Canbird I have 3 DD. Ranging from 29 down to 15. And I learned a long time ago not to even try and compare myself to the young girls. I'm just not them anymore, and really don't want to be. I can share clothes with my D's but I still don't look like they do. Things just get rearranged after kids. But your D is a professional model. Wow!! How about when her model friends come over you make sure you bake them lots and lots of goodies.
Think I'm gonna turn in early tonight.
Night John Boy
Hope everyone has a good night, with or without comfort food, wine, cigarettes or whatever your vice
Even though you feel like you approach your H and he rejects you, is that really what is going on or is he right and there are vibes again? IS there any chance there is something about your approach that makes him move away rather than towards you?
I was thinking this same thing after I posted today, so I rang up H and asked him if he had any plans for the evening. He was coy and kept telling me he could do laundry, etc. what did I have in mind? So I told him. And he laughed. I told him I was serious.
He came home, I greeted him with a big kiss, snuggled up to him on the couch while the veggies cooked. Spent most of the night with my hands all over him and kissing him, tickling him.
And He falls asleep. It's still early, so I figure he might actually need a nap. Oh and did I mention Im' already in my lounging Pjs.
At 10 I wake him up with a kiss and tell him to come upstairs. He says yeah. I go up and get ready. 2 minutes later I hear him snoring downstairs again.
I admit it, now I'm pissed, but I'm trying to let it go. I wake him again and tell him to come upstairs. He does and he complains I woke him up that he was comfortable on the couch. That now I owe him a backrub as "punishment". And I say "Oh, did we have sex already? because I asked for that first." He said he thought I was kidding.
So I asked him what I was doing wrong... (and I wanted to say something really terrible, but I didn't -- like "do I have to ask you if you're looking for a 'date' big boy?") that I'd approached him 3 times in the last 10 days and been shot down each time. That's when he said he thought I was kidding tonight. He said it was too late to start talking about this and I said I was frustrated.
So he's asleep and I'm down here.
As for the bad habits... I also read all the time during his A. Escape. After Dday, I was drinking every night for like 6 months. Then the kids noticed and I stopped. Now I need to get rid of the cigarettes which I chain smoke when I'm angry or frustrated like tonight.
But I'm not reaching for the food!