Of course everything did not go according to "the book". It's me we're talking about here.... the one who's H couldn't have a "normal" affair.
Turns out my iris is thick, so he had to make many more shots with the laser to make the opening. Now he says "we'll just have to see if it stays open." Normal time to poke a hole in an iris.... 15-20 seconds. With me 2 minutes. Then he had to renumb me and try again for another 15-20 seconds.
So H told me to go home and SIT. Not do anything and I'm going to take him up on it. Just my luck that Steering Clear came in the mail today! Cause reading is a little tough. Heck driving was tough!
OK, give me that site again with the test.... fnf, I"m sure I'd wind up real close to your description.
Just one more thing on the disonance subject... Maybe our C isn't great at that kind of distinction because we've had arguments or tried to discuss things that happened that we see totally different ways and it feels as though he gives "lip service" to the insights... "Yeah, maybe Weepy DID ask me to go to some parent/teacher meetings, but they always fell on a work day." Now of course I see where he had all this time to see his OW on "work days" and I think my "objective" vision of what happened is affected.
Look, I'm going to go rest my eye now, but I wanted you guys to know I was home safely. In three weeks we do the other eye.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
And if I were you, seeing that your H is in a selfless mode, MILK IT !!! Dont you dare do anything. I mean it. Or I will flick your ears!
Fnf, you are another one with a GSOH! Your posts really make me think.Ouch.
Good news. Got my start date. As of 3 March, picture a 5"4 brunette of Indian descent with a big cheesy grin walking to the beat of "Working 9-5" in Greater London off to her first day of work after 12 years! Yay me!
I am off from tomorrow to Cornwall for some R and R with the kiddos.
Hope everyone stays safe and reasonably happy. See you all when I get back. I love you guys.
ps. Uk, you get to open the lodge up every morning now.Make sure you say hi to FSA.
As far as living in the "now". Honestly, it's not some experience I have strived for and attained, it's just happening. It's survival, that's all. It's either this or insanity. I only have so much control over things, the rest I have to let go. So that means the past and that means the future..
H had a great IC session last night. I felt so relieved because the therapist nailed a major issue. I felt the glimmer of hope which I have not felt in so long.
"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."
Having said that though, one area that I have yet to get H to cop to, is that there was this pre-A mindset that zanny speaks of. I believe there was most definitely, and it is a topic I intend to revisit. I suppose Rome wasn't built in a day.
LH, good luck with the job. BTW, I think women of Indian descent have beautiful hair. I so envy it. I have a mass of wavy red hair.
weepy, that does sound awful. Take care and rest.
No surprise there.
Gotta run. H is coming in the door....
That is good news....a positive step.
Hope is like oxygen....we all need it.
Glad you are okay.
Now don't look at the computer screen anymore today.
to poke a hole in an iris....
shivering here...glad you made out ok weepy
Back from MC. Intensive MC. OMG, we have the 80/20 issue going on now. Fuck, fuck and shit. NOT MY FAULT. Fuck.
Okay. So now Iíve read the full ISFJ personality type. I DONíT WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE!!!!! Fuck. And HE (Mr-fucking-done-every-psychometric-test-in-the-book) is a INTJ. Get this:
ďPersonal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.Ē
AAARRRRGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!! Do I just slit my wrists now, or in true doormat ISFJ style, just wait for him to do it for me??????
My plain of lethal flatness has turned into a dust bowl. I feel like a deflated toon.
MC is not something I am interested in...I am not sharing responsibility (not even a small %). He needs to get a handle on his issues and then we can consider the rest.
Zanny, Yup, I hear you....
If they don't get that handle on themselves and their perceptions and reactions, how can they even begin to particiapte with any validity at all in MC.
And I am done being the tour guide.
The often mentioned concept that all BS must own and do and share the road back sounds good...and probably does apply to ONS or multi-flings or sex for hire A's. The LTA is a whole other story.
All I can own now is being too willing to settle for too
"less"...for too long a time.
He now finally seems to be aware of that..but like you, we shall see.
Here's to ****HOPE****!!!!
Lost, good luck with your job--be proud of yourself.
How come different infidelity books come up with different things for me to ponder? The one Zanny's reading says there is a pre-A mindset of some sort--others say A's can happen in what both partners consider good marriages--and is there a difference between LTA's and shorter A's and ONS in that mindset? Guess I'll just keep reading and glean from each book what I can and reject the rest.
We've had pretty decent MC's, two cuz we moved--got them both off Peggy Vaughn's site which has recommendations by others in this infidelity mess. Now we're both in IC--and I have to say I liked MC better--I can't stand not knowing what H is saying! I'm so curious--but he seems to be clicking with the therapist and exploring things, so that's good.
Steeler, I'd kill for your hair--why is it that no one really likes their own hair?
Unfortunately for you and all of us, these women were willing to "work" within the parameters, were willing to settle for a part time, secret relationship.
I totally agree with you. I think he thought I was giving him an out - but he jumped back on the wagon with me and said "you're right - it was my decision and I was wrong" or words to that effect.
As far as she was concerned - she knew he was married from the get go, but (do we have a list of cliches somewhere? ) "She thought our marriage was dead" (because dumb butt told her that) and she was out to get married - whatever it took to accomplish that.
Plus she was VERY angry the night he decided to leave her and come back to me (I helped with that ) and very put out because she had patiently waited on him for five years. Oh the venom that spews out of me over that!!!!
Too bad hag - way too bad.
I should tell how I helped (it's probably in the Just Found Out Forum, but it's entertaining so I'll tell it again):
We were having a huge fight over the phone on a Thursday. I had been asking him over and over was he sure he'd done the right thing (I DID NOT WANT THE DIVORCE even though I filed first - to protect myself). He kept saying yes each time. But this time was different and one thing led to another and on Saturday he emailed me (I don't know how because she was usually looking over his shoulder) and I said I'd like to meet and have a talk since we've been separated the past six weeks. He said "OK I'll call you Monday and we can set a time to meet."
At first I said OK, but as I thought about it I got pissed so I replied back "No I really want to see you today."
He says OK when and where and we met at the park an hour later. He told her we were meeting to discuss the kids (they are in their late 30's and she was pretty stupid to buy that).
We spent three hours talking and it was almost like the nightmare wasn't really happening for a bit. We met for lunch again on Monday and decided to call off the divorce. He said he needed a little time to figure out how to get out of there (I had some suggestions but kept them to myself).
By Monday night, I was beside myself and unknown to me they had gone out to dinner. I decided to send him a text message something along the lines of "I really want you to get out of that nasty house and come home."
Well she saw it and I do believe they are still cleaning up stuff on that side of town (not really - that was 18 months ago).
[This message edited by Heartbreaker37 at 6:37 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
Weepy, glad to hear things went OK. And I agree with Uni on the ice cream and chocolate!
Hi All! Sorry, just can't keep up with the thread these days. I've been swamped in work and general busyness. Trying to skim along with all of it but you guys have really been chatty here lately!!!
And I am done being the tour guide.
Well...As far as my search for a new MC goes...so far...NOT so good.
One, I've made an appointment with, but I'm going to cancel because I made it under duress and I'm mad at myself that I didn't just say, "No thank you." and hang up--mad that I didn't "take care of me".
Anyway...this particular one just didn't really "understand what you are referring to" (a little snidely) with regard to experience handling a long term recovery. Like WTF could I possibly mean? Like is it "special" or "different" somehow? (No, she didn't say that...but her tone implied it.) She said it a couple of times (that she didn't understand what I was looking for) and so of course, I just got all fumbled up.
The next lady was very, very nice. But told me that she doesn't see many people trying to repair this type of affair because the marriage just usually ends. Yeah...I know. She also said that basically only having a "certain number of visits" covered isn't really worth getting started, because "if you're still hurting so much after 20 months, you're going to need more." WOW. What is WRONG with me, ladies??? I'm "still" hurting after aaaaaaalllllll this time????
No, she really was nice. But she said it is more important after "aaaaaaaaaaallll" this time that I take care of myself, meaning I should be in counseling separate from him, and if he has issues he needs to work on, he should also be in counseling separate from me.
So there's round one. No success.
Are you surprised???
Whimsey, I'm going to check out that site and the recommendations. Thanks.
edited to add: Never mind. They're all too far away.
[This message edited by runoverbytruck at 6:51 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton
Funny thing after we got him outta there she asked him the same question "are you sure you made the right decision."
I had extra money because I'd borrowed enough for a mean SOB lawyer and since I was calling it off there were left over funds. He had taken everything he owned the weekend he left and he had many, many heavy pieces of wood working equipment. Soooo I called a moving place and had them move it all back here.
I've never met her but I kinda expect she felt like a freight train had run over her - kinda like I felt when I found out this had been going on for five freaking years w/o me knowing it.
There are no adequate words to describe it.
Suffice it to say we are successfully reconciled and I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. Not you understand without a lot of work and some things that were possibly destroyed forever (like some other realtionships with friends and kids who were not in favor of the recon), but I've finally learned (pretty late in life) that I only have one life to live and it is important how I live it.
Well, Heartbreaker, I'll chime in here. In Steering Clear, the author points out that the affairs don't happen, but that there is a mindset prior to the affair...before the affair partner even enters the picture. It can be along the lines of "Gee, I'd like to have an affair if the offer presented itself." or "My wife doesn't have sex enough with me, I should find another woman." It's a thought process that occurs long before the actual affair. You are on dangerous territory here, speaking from too much experience here, your H has to know the slippery slope that led to the affair. This "3 of us all carry responsibility is bullchit" and that is primetime duck and weaving action. Like BT said, you can't take responsibility for the affair. Sure, maybe you didn't give the marriage all you could have, but when you accept too much responsbility, you let them off the hook and you can't.
Zanny, I probably wasn't clear in some respects. I've been posting and a member of SI for about a year. Just spent most of that time in "Just Found Out."
I'm not quite sure why he jumped on that because he has said other times he knows it was his decision. I stood my ground and said "I will take 50% of the blame for our marital problems - but I will not take ANY blame for the affair. That was your decision to cross that line and yours alone. Then he replied as I said earlier "You're right it was my mistake."
He has said on another occasion:
I should not have made any decision about our lives on my own. I should have been man enough to talk to you and then leave you before I went looking for someone else if we couldnít possibly work this out. But instead I chose to be a coward and hurt everyone I love. I really never dreamed my decision would have the consequences it did because I didnít see it going as far as it did and thatís because I didnít really think it through to its conclusion. My family was your family too and I didnít think of that. I also didnít believe you really loved me and now I know just how very wrong I was about that too.Ē
I think (we've never had MC) that we've done pretty well communicating overall - we discussed that too. It was sorely lacking for many years, but sista's we talk a lot now - not just me - but both of us.
This "3 of us all carry responsibility is bullchit" and that is primetime duck and weaving action. Like BT said, you can't take responsibility for the affair. Sure, maybe you didn't give the marriage all you could have, but when you accept too much responsbility, you let them off the hook and you can't.
I t-totally agree. I haven't and will never take responsbility for his affair - that's his and his alone. And he knows it for certain.
I do believe also after reading what you posted that it was indeed a process. I got all that "you don't love me, you aren't affectionate" crap for years.
His perception (Or misperception) of exactly what love is was way distorted. True - I wasn't affectionate, but I did lot of other stuff to show my love - I'm going to stop. I don't need to justify even to myself anymore. I'm good with how I see my faults and his and where we are at now.
Still struggling but going on together and happy to be there.
[This message edited by Heartbreaker37 at 7:14 PM, February 19th (Tuesday)]