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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know, I know, give it time!! There is that word again

Yeah, HBH, That word, just thinking that i will have to feel like this for years makes we want to die and get it over with. Sorry you're feeling this way too.

UK, Hope you find your smile today! Enjoy the weekend with your Mum and MIL as much as you can.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He should be courting your admiration, not anyone elseís.

Exactly, he should be worrying about how I view him instead of how a bunch of losers view him. But at issue again, is how he BELIEVES he really doesn't care what they think... but he does.

I've seen him practically roll over an expose his belly (in animal language) when in the presense of an alpha personality.

And my IC says maybe he's just gregarious. Yeah he is, but if someone misinterprets that? That's where he gets into trouble. He's overly "nice" "helpful" "accomodating".

And I truly believe that he went into HER house the first time with no intention of beginning an affair. IF what he told me is true, that he'd seen her for the first time in 30 years. But for a woman to suggest that the FIRST time she sees a man? No. He said something about having a crush on her in high school or how she doesn't look any different from 30 years before. He OPENED the door for her invitation.

Again IF it happened the way he said. There is no way to verify this and I really, really fucking hate that.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've just spent a very cleansing half hour writing letters to OW's parents and to the friend of OW.

I hope finds them on the computer.

I think I'm ready to expose this whole mess. I really don't believe these people have any idea of how they were used and manipulated too.

He needs to suffer some consequences.

Oh, and he's called me 3 times today already and not once mentioned what his plans are for the evening...

should I ask? Or let it go like IC suggests and is my gut instinct. Just wait and see what choice he makes.

If he chooses wrong, then I can always move in our son's room until he comes home for spring break. That seems like the first step to me.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Going To Make It
♀ Member
Member # 17010
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all. I haven't even looked at this site for over a month. I wanted to attempt to 'move' on and I thought it was reminding me of the life I now have to live.

Well, I'm still surrounded by it, I don't eat, sleep and breathe it every single second, but there are times it just washes over me in large waves, threatning to drown me. Now is one of those times.

Sometimes I want him to feel, really feel what he has lost in me and grieve for it.
Yep, right there with you sweetheart.

Weepy, for what it's worth, you have stated your position, he should respect you and throw them to the wolves. If I were you, I wouldn't say another thing. If you are not sure if he understands what you would like to see him do, then by all means, restate it in a different form. Let him show you who he is. Do you think moving into the spare room will REALLY, finally get his attention? That you just want a man who is invested in his wife. A man who cares for her emotional, spiritual & physical health. It's what we ALL deserve.

I am having a hard time listening (he has been gone on a business trip for 3 weeks now) to his cheerfulness the closer to him getting back.

I guess I don't want him to come home, I want to continue an internet relationship with him. It was much more comfortable. I didn't have to look at him.

I'm really mad as well. I got the "Let's move on" speach this morning. It's just three months since I've had full disclosure. I would give anything if he asks me how I'm feeling.

Other than that, he is the perfect guy. He is constantly telling me he loves me, blah blah, blah blah.

Thanks for listening


BW 47
M 1982 4 Adult Children
2 Grandkids - the light & loves of my life.
LTA Started before we were married and lsted until 9/02 DDay 4/4/04, TT till 9/24/2011

Posts: 948 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Still Wandering in the Desert
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly weepy, if you are not happy with him going to this "party", I think you have to put consequences to him. It's no good skulking off to DS's room as a result of you thinking he should mind read what you will do. Tell him. And tell him why. I really hope he gets past his narcissistic view of himself and thinks of you for a change. (((weepy)))


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since he's already said I can go with him, he figures he's covered. I don't really WANT to go hang out with a bunch of loser drunks. I'd rather stay home and watch LOST.

I'm sure he's already made up his mind he HAS to go because this guy needs a ride.

Guess I better go shower and get my face on... looks like I"m going to a party tongiht.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick peak before I pack for the w/end. Have printed off Xmas/birthday/anniversary (60th for mine) presents to both sets of parents Ė a 2-night visit to London (born and bred there, but living 250 miles away now) with a lunchtime jazz trip on the Thames followed by London Eye for all 6 of us. I guess Iím planning something for the summer, but of course I have my bases covered. Dates and numbers can be changed Ö.. Says it all, doesnít it?

Hi GTMI. Welcome but sorry to see you back.

"I got the "Let's move on" speach this morning. It's just three months since I've had full disclosure."

He needs to know LTA = Long Term Recovery. Dunno who coined the phrase, but itís sooooo true. A LTA makes for a whole load of questions, including the validity of the M.

Weepy, go get Ďem girl!! Come out fighting!!

Hugs tribe. Iím off now till Monday. Keep the fire going in the grate. ((((( )))))

Edited cos i forgot the quotation bit, sorry GTMI!!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:42 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to go, but I am going. I have to. Someone has to stand up for our relationship.

He told me when the other "friend" disrespected me I should have stood up for myself. Well, now I am.

I am no longer "the little wife" sitting at home waiting for her husband to finish playing single with his boy and girl friends. I am WEEPY, His wife, his partner, his love. And he will take me to this party and he will hold my hand and dance with me (ok, I dream a little there) and dote on me the whole time we're there.

These people need to be made aware that he is NOT the man they knew as their "friend" back then.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a day! I've been to the gym... weighed in at 1 lb less and lost another inch but still feel 'in the dumps'. I've stayed away to see if I'd do less thinking about the LTA situation but found myself needing to check in while H is still at work.

just spent a very cleansing half hour writing letters to OW's parents and to the friend of OW
What are you going to do with these letters, Weepy?

Weepy, I'm probably to late but I hope you remember the 'head high, breathe in, boobs out..." and knock the socks off of those single loser types!

Our OW is from that type of crowd and I still don't know what he sees in that group. He doesn't know when to come home when he's supposedly just making an appearance! Slumming... in my opinion, and he knows it. I came to dread the "I won't be late" and I didn't know about his affair at that time. OW is still working the seasonal evenings but FWH is coming home for dinner with me for the majority of the time she is there. Hopefully by the weekend her job is done.

Hate that so many here are feeling so low. Hope LH is having a good time away and UK has a good wkend with the moms.

Going to Make It, sorry to see you back but glad you are here if feeling the need for support. We're here... go ahead and vent. He is sure in a fog if he expects you to be 'over it' by now when he spent so long 'in it'.
{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Brokenworld
♀ Member
Member # 15293
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all,
I haven't visited in a while, and there is so much to catch up on! It will take me a solid week just to read all the posts!

I've been working on my contribution for the book that NMS is spearheading for LTA Survivors. Hard to dredge all the pain up again but extremely helpful to see it on paper. I have to believe that something good can come out of something so devestating.

BW


Me: BS
Him: FWH LTA 10+ years
Married:32 years; Together 34
In R I pray
1 Daughter; 1 Son
D-Day 7/2003
Confrontation 8/2004
Relapse 8/2006
Reconciliation...2008

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: SE US
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I'll be interested to hear how it turns out!
I posted this a few days ago on a general board. The abridged version (before Survivor adn Lost lol) is that wh swore he started vaigras with me and never used it with her when I asked him. Said he had ED problems with her though. i even asked why he woudln't have gotten it then. Shortly after we got the viagra, I found the pack empty in his backpack. Turns out, that was his pack form with her b/c yesterday I found our pack in teh car sun visor.

I asked him about it and he denied, denied. Then I got the empty pack and showed him. said he didn't knwo where it was form. Seriously?? Do I really look that stupid? I can't. After much yelling adn questioning, he screams that okay, he did take it with ehr. No shit sherlock.

He's dropping me off at church at this point and I tell him I wish I never married him and get out.

Terrible day adn night. I'm sorrys out the wazoo but who cares anymore. He hsn't done anything with ehr since dday or seen her, but he lied to me yesterday.

Says he was embarrassed about the ED stuff and I talk everything to death adn he didn't want to talk about it. I guess since he lied th eonce he didn't knwo what to do so kept lying (saying he didn't remember where they came from).

I just can never believe hi again. I went to work long enough to not get an occurrence and came home. My back did hurt a lot but my heart hurt more.

We have talked a bunch since and he says he's sorry, hat's the last thing he is hiding (where have I heard that) and blah blah blah.

I just don't knwo what tot trust or believe. I just feel broken right now. I get that he did nothing currently, but he did. He lied about the past after promising not to anymore.

I almost asked him to leave yesterday. I told him that after the fact. He is back to saying and doing everything right but give me a break. When is it too little too late? Are they just so use to lying that they can't stop? I told him it's sick.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
Heartbreaker37
♀ Member
Member # 14013
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since the day of his confession, his back has improved enormously, his frequent eye infections have disappeared, his eczema-type skin complaints are no more, the crushing headaches are few and far between. A couple of months after DDay, I mentioned this to my friend (an holistic practitioner). She said underlying emotional problems can have huge effects on the body and mind. To her, H was a classic case. There were probably other physical symptoms, but I canít think of them right now. I might browse the Sarno book (if itís available over here), just out of interest.

I don't recall if it started before his LTA because I didn't "know" I should be keeping score since I didn't know it was going on! However, he has a hiatal hernia and used to be in agony. He would take long hot baths and be up for hours.

Since he came back home after separating from me for six weeks and our successful reconciliation (still working on parts of it of course), I don't believe he's had more than 2 episodes and they were very minor.

So I well imagine they curse themselves even though they'd never admit it.

[This message edited by Heartbreaker37 at 7:17 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 64 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Midwest
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went, glad I did, but no trigger people were there other than the Party Girl who looked AWFUL! Yeah, going on 50 and dressing like you're 20?

There was one single loser girl there, apparently she's been passed around a bit, one of the guys was "talky" on the way home. She checked H out when we came in, if I hadn't been there, I'm sure he would have been a target since she was settling for the loser friend who invited us...

Oh BTW, he assumed I would be there. He would never just invite H anywhere, he "loves" me. As far as he's concerned I'm too good for H.

So I went chin up, boobs out and it worked out fine.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YEAH, Weepy!!!! You go, girl! Good job.

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty,

This is a call-out to you after reading your wife's post in wayward.

I don't know exactly what is going on with you two, but I did want you to know that someone is thinking of you and praying for your welfare. I'll look back in in the morning and see how you are.

Just remember that you will not only survive but thrive no matter what your wife decides to do. It's true. It will all be okay.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
mumto3sat
♀ Member
Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 4:37 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty, add me to BT, I've just read the post from your W, and just know this - it is not about YOU. Really. She is so obviously still very deeply in her fog and unable to think of anyone but herself, this whole affair has been about her and currently it is all still about her. She may come out of it, she may not, but you will be OK because at some point you will truly understand that it wouldn't have mattered if you were her perfect H, she would still have done what she's done because there is something missing in her. I just hope for her sake she realises that because whatever she decides to do that part of her is going to follow her until she faces it and deals with it.

Know that I am thinking about you too Hefty. YOU will be ok. Just know that you will.

((Hefty)).



Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mum,

How are you feeling? Any word on your sister?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all your support. This whole situation is a mess but I will be OK no matter what happens.

I have been trying hard at meeting her needs to show that we can have a great relationship but I will never be able to replace the intrigue of an affair.

Sucks in a way too. We had a good v-day, a decent weekend and have not really fought too much in the last bit.

I know it is not me in many ways. I am a good guy. Maybe that is part of the problem?

I in many ways handled the A poorly. Anger, needy, super sad. It was a mack truck that ran over my mind and heart. I think no one is ever ready for dealing with an A. Not only that LTA and the fact that mine encompassed virtually my entire M is brutal. I know the LTA tribe knows all too well about what this does to you.

I in many ways feel much better now that some time has passed. I am stronger. I will live no matter what and life will go on.

Their is something way better than an A. A complete marriage. I have a perfect example in my uncle and aunt. I look at their marriage and they have it all. They work together, enjoy so much doing things together, and really are best friends. That is what I was hoping we could make together for us. As a bonus our DD has mommy and daddy together which is so important.

I really do love my WS despite what she did. We have built a pretty good life together. We are by no means rich but have a little burb house, two cars, some nice stuff, had some great times, a beutiful daughter etc.

I still have some hope for us. We will have to see what happens.

mumto3sat and BT thank you so much for your comments. It is really nice to know you care.

big hugs to all the ((((LTA Tribe))))

[This message edited by heftysmurf at 7:29 AM, February 22nd (Friday)]


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just able to get on for the first time this morning. And I went over and read your W's post. I think she got good advice and counsel from nam, ladytex, etc.

But you know what? If she doesn't want to hear it, she's not going to. If she sees your attempts at getting close to her as smothering, that's on her. She SHOULD be grateful. If she plans on the outcome being lousy and it's too HARD to get a sitter, etc., she WILL be miserable.

I know. I heard this early on when I suggested we lock ourselves up in a hotel somewhere (depite the triggers) and hash all this out. "I'd go away with her, but it will be nothing but us fighting and talking about the affairs. That's not what I have in mind when she talks about getting away". I also heard "She's attached to me at the hip, I can't even go to the bathroom without her following me." AND, the best was "We had no sex and now all of the sudden she wants it all the time, I just can't adjust to that."

And these are the waywards who think they don't need any help in figuring this all out.... I think my H has stopped going to IC. It's been over a month since his last appt.

And because we try to "do everything they told us they wanted but didn't get" we feel frustrated and angry when our efforts aren't rewarded with gratitude. We're disappointed.

I have come to the conclusion that only the Ms where the wayward really examines his or her deepest fears and issues will succeed. I think the rest of us will exist and tolerate and survive some way some how.

H asked me last night if I thought he should move the cars to the bottom of the driveway because we were expecting snow. I said "well, the weathermen say it's going to start around 2 am, how much snow can we have between 2 and 6 when we get up? They don't know what they're doing anyway." So he didn't move the cars, because I said not to.

So of course, this morning we have 3". I get dressed, go out and shovel the walk, clean off his car (because he's taking DD to work), make a path to the cars, shovel the apron of the drive, but I didn't clean out behind the cars in the drive. Why? Because he's got a damn SUV that will clear like 18" of snow. DIdn't think it was necessary.

Of course THAT's what he wanted shoveled. That's why he wanted to move the cars. So he got pissy that he had to go out and move that snow. I did 60' of shoveling and he did 6'. But all he harped on was that I didn't do the right section.

See, if a person WANTS to see the worst, to concentrate on the one thing that ISN'T right, they will never, ever be happy. And I'm including our viewpoints too.

Like my H has said in MC, we have 12 good days and 2 bad ones and all we talk about here are the 2 bad ones.

This is a long, tiresome process and both sides have to work at it very hard.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 22nd (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, glad the party went well, sorry the snow shoveling didn't! As you say, 12 good to 2 bad, and it's the bad that sticks.

Lostsoul, so sorry about the lies. Lies are not what we need after all the years of deception we've all endured--but talking about sexual performance and need for viagra seems one of the few areas where disclosing all details might seem too much for a young WS? And you're young compared to me!

We were using viagra for a few years before the infidelity started, he used it with her as well, then stopped needing it with both of us--I don't go there in my head much, but I think something got kick started with the 15 years younger new and exciting sexual partner--despite the guilt and all that, it still renewed something.

Now we don't need it--but H still doesn't like to dwell on anything like ED problems which might happen sometimes now and which were present for so long in the past.

Hope you guys can talk about it better than we could--feel like I'm walking through a mine field if it comes up for some reason. The whole sexual thing is so ridiculously hard--and it's worse the older you get, between menopause and ED. Good luck.

UKgirl, you mean you're 60? I will be my next birthday--congrats.


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