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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in before the roll call.

Feeling pretty anxious today. Back to MC after a few months break. Lots to talk about and not sure where it will lead me.

WH is dreading it because he thinks he will get hit with a few 2x4's from MC. I hope so.

I know until he finally sees what breaking C has done to us, I will be sitting on this fence. Some days I lean one way and other days I'm practically off the other side. I don't know that I can even call this "breaking contact". I don't think there actually was NC to begin with. Even when I reread this, I wonder what I am still doing here. So tired of the excuses and lies. Just out and out lies!!!


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((HBH)))

Its so tedious sifting through the lies. How do you believe a liar?

Your MC better knock him off, but is she doesnt, just send him here!

What are you anxious about?

****
O/T
I have become friends with H's friend's W after their dday, and the WS asked me to speak to his BS, knowing our sitch. She was pg at the time.
They reached a deadend in their relationship, where the WS wasnt showing the actions they needed to R. She left with baby to spend her maternity leave in her home country. She has since extended that time as WS has been behaving like a real asshat.
However he has insisted that the A is over since dday, although he still has contact with OW as they work together.

BS is set to return soon. I am in a bit of a dilemma. My H told me that his friend has not maintained NC. Before telling me this, he made me swear not to reveal anything to the BS.I spoke to her yesterday, and she is v confused. He is telling her all the right things although his actions have not been consistent. She believes that the A is over, esp since she outed them to the OWH. We dont know for sure if the WH has broken NC, but we suspect it from the things he has told H. What do I do?
I would love to kick his ass. I want to tell her that he could be lying to her. I want to give him a 200X4. But H wants me to butt out, and not get involved. The best I could do yesterday was tell her that until she sees it for herself, she shouldnt believe anything her H or any WS says.

H will be v upset with me if I do get involved, esp as he made me promise not to tell.

Crap.What does the Tribe think?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you all have a minute can you please go to General and read the post from my H "Empty One"?

Shirley, Just read emptyone’s post. Then I read his profile and my eyes got wider and my jaw inched to the floor. I’m going “whaaaaat?” getting nearer and nearer to the screen and zipping down the page to see how much more there is. And then I read his post again. Are you sure this is the same bloke. Are you sure you didn’t exchange him for some Mr Nice Guy whilst on the ski slope and leave the old trashy one behind? Or did you really go to a Swiss clinic and get him lobotomised and you didn’t really go skiing at all? Hey, maybe you popped in at Stepford on the way home. C’mon. Come clean. What did you do?

Wow. Blimey. And, well, just - wow. Nuff said.

Back to catching up on the rest.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK girl - now you further understand my dilemna. He has, for the first time since I have known him, opened himself up, had a look and decided that he is not going to be that person anymore. I have seen the ugly inside and am not really interested in staying with him given the enormity of it all. BUT, he is able to express his newfound feelings so clearly that it seems a waste to walk away now.

What is truly amazing is that he was so completely broken that he was able to compartmentalize THAT MUCH. He put it away in that deep dark hole from even himself. He didn't confess untiil I got fed up with the basic disrespect not knowing what the hell he had been up to. Truly, I didn't have a clue. Geez, how stupid could I have been.

So, on the tribes sage advice, I do nothing. I certainly do not swim into the riptide.



"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HbH, Do have MC tonight, or are you talking about just generally you are back in for MC. It has been the best place for me inasmuch as I get permission (and so does H) to say whatever has been foremost in your mind and then to get it looked at in some depth. I always come away feeling I’ve got something, whether for me, him or as a couple.

My post in Recon’n. Nah. Leave it there for now. For those who want a peek, it’s under “What is Reconciliation?”. A rehash of my life since DDay and wondering where I go from here and when to call it a day. How can one reconcile with someone who lives a lie? What is there to reconcile with – another rewrite of his feelings for me? And how long before he is wondering about her – again?

Shirley, I don’t know how they can do it. That sticking in little boxes in the head, deal with it, put it back and take it out again the next time. Drawers in a filing cabinet. And I feel like another file in another drawer


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truly, I didn't have a clue. Geez, how stupid could I have been.

Shirley! GGGGrrrrr.
You know that the extent to which our WS can lie and maintain that web of deceit has no correlation whatsoever to our stupidity or lack therof. So stop that already!

Uk, I responded with a minithesis to your thread.Hey, you dont call me chatterbox for nothing. And yes, I am going to throw that in every chance I get!

FSA is taking a mini break from LTA Land, but she is doing ok. How is the rest of us? Are you guys going to check in, or are we going to name and shame??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday Unicorn!!!

its almost 11pm here, and way past my bedtime.Whew! Glad I made it!

hope you are having a nice relaxing day wherever you are, unicorn.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem I have (and there are others who will identify with this), is that my WH was perfectly “normal” 90% of the time. I honestly did not see anything wrong with us. He simply sliced off that part of his life that was the A and neatly boxed it away. It’s just beyond me and I still find it breathtaking.

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem I have (and there are others who will identify with this), is that my WH was perfectly “normal” 90% of the time. I honestly did not see anything wrong with us. He simply sliced off that part of his life that was the A and neatly boxed it away. It’s just beyond me and I still find it breathtaking.

Sorry, hit submit instead of enter!

This quote could be mine--and after over 2 years, it's still breathtaking to me. Although in our case, after 25 years of marriage, we had entered a period of some parallel living, some distancing, but not anything that I didn't see as a normal slump. Amazing to me still.

Riptide analogy is spot on.

We're having stupid arguments off and on, not about the infidelity, but about other stuff. Our reactions to the other person are so different from what they were before, it's like two different people from before are trying to re-engage, and it's difficult cuz our base has changed. He's guilty and depressed, I'm changed in my foundation and continue to be wary and self-referential over everything he says--something I'm trying to work on in IC--but after such a relatively "short" time (compared to the LTA), I can't let go of the paranoia or wariness so easily.

Too many inspirational things to respond to--and I too feel not as articulate as some of you great people--but I read and ponder every day during this journey we're all taking.

Uni, heard it's your birthday--hope it's a good one.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Uni,

Happy, Happy Birthday !!!

The day you chose to grace the world.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday UNI!!

(wish I knew how to insert all those cool little smilies with balloons and clapping hands!).

Hope you had a good day.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost Heart...
(((lostsuol))) HEy whats going on with you? I get nightmares when I am having a hard time with an issue, that I am either avoiding tackling, or it is not being resolved to my liking.

I think it is the 2nd since nothing is being resolved here. We are just living day to day like nothing has changed in our lives! I've written him 2 long letters trying to tell him how I feel and what I need. His schedule makes it hard to find a 'good time' to deal with our situation. He read them but I can't say that he responded. Didn't say much and hasn't written anything to me in reply. It's been over a week and the pages sit untouched since.

It must be quite hard having H work with OW. Can he not change jobs? And as for being too nice to ignore her when others are around..
WTF??!!!
He doesnt get it. YOU and your M come first over being nice EVERY F**KING TIME!

Quitting his job is not an option. His field is quite unique. That is also why she is there seasonal to help with meeting their deadlines.

Are you both in IC and MC?
No we aren't. For now, SI is my counselling. He agreed to MC but we haven't done it yet.

Your H wants the M right?
Yes, he says so. I wish he'd be more verbal or take the time to write to me though.

Have you both drawn out conditions of R? For eg, NC = NC! Telling you when she will be working with him and for how long.
Unfortunately it's been like pulling teeth to get answers from him. He volunteers nothing.

You are being too nice LostS.
You tell him what you need to R. Either he can do it or he cant. If he can, then DO IT. If he cant, then tell you, so you can make your next move. Living like this must be torture.

You could be right, LostH. I don't know how to make it any clearer to him. I love him... hate the deed... but love him. Although I did rant and vent at him when I first discovered his online relationship and her identity. NC was broken twice in the first 2 months... forwarding emails, and then a new secret email that he lied about. Not long after our b-i-l died in a train accident and our situation got sidelined to support his sister (who knows nothing about the affair). Also she is still in recovery from cervical cancer.
Couple this with putting on a happy face in front of 3 prs of newlyweds over the holiday season, I've got more stress hormone in me than I can handle. My health is suffering, my endeavour to lose weight is sabotaged by my emotional state and I am in the 'dark place'.

I feel alone in my home city despite being back 3 yrs after 5 yrs in the East due to H's job transfer. Finances are tight as I don't have a job here. The online EA started out East and continued for 2 yrs here before I discovered it. So I also feel so STUPID. I didn't suspect a thing. Totally unaware, naively thinking I was happily married to a loving husband, his first and only love! He still insists there was no PA. "Of course not" he says. When I say 'of course not???' he told me last week that they talked about it and kept it online only. This precipitated a middle of the night meltdown. We still haven't talked more about that so I guess I'm not getting 'trickle truth'. No time for us... him going back East for 10 day business trip... then a trip to the West coast where again we'll be facing family (some aware, most not aware). I just don't know which way is up right now.

So... I sit here in tears almost wishing I'd never found the chat logs that ended my married life as I knew it, wondering if it's worth it, wondering Why? Why? Why? Introspection gets me nowhere and he's not doing any that I can tell so is able to live as though nothing has changed. Compartmentalizing is a fine art that I haven't mastered...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgot to wish Uni a Happy Birthday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
May God give you...
For every storm, a rainbow,
For every tear, a smile,
For every care, a promise,
And a blessing in each trial.
For every problem life sends,
A faithful friend to share,
For every sigh, a sweet song,
And an answer for each prayer.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Question  Posted: 8:11 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The problem I have (and there are others who will identify with this), is that my WH was perfectly “normal” 90% of the time. I honestly did not see anything wrong with us. He simply sliced off that part of his life that was the A and neatly boxed it away. It’s just beyond me and I still find it breathtaking.

Guess that sums up my last post.

Wimsey... you posted while I was posting. In my case it was just after our 30th anniversary and I can say the same thing...

we had entered a period of some parallel living, some distancing, but not anything that I didn't see as a normal slump.
I didn't even see a slump. I knew he wasn't happy about the move but since I always believed in 'Bloom where you are planted' I thought we'd make the best of it until he retired then move back. I made friends (female), worked part-time as my health was improved away from prairie winter conditions and burned the phone lines keeping in touch with my family. He went online and found a 'just friends' cyberslut on a gaming site. I even encouraged him since he said it was stress relief from his work environment. She turned out to be someone from 'home', a former employee who lost her job when H was transferred. He just didn't let me in on that detail, despite much questioning. I was gaslighted big time and this is a bitter pill to swallow. I was a supportive, loving wife. I was taken for granted... he knew I was always home waiting for him... blindly trusting in his love for me to keep him from straying. How stupid. How foolish. I had no idea! And I still have no idea what made him go that route when I was right there all the time. I don't know what went wrong and I don't know what to do about it now.
I am too nice. But if I lash out at him... where will it get me? BTDT and got nowhere. So I bottle it up in the day and it comes out in nightmares with a vengeance.
I am so tired, so very tired. A year has passed and it could have been Dday yesterday. My H is loving but he always was. I was so proud to be married to him. We had the marriage our friends envied. If they only knew...

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
marigold
♀ Member
Member # 6707
Default  Posted: 11:07 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reposting this from General because I hurt so much. FWH had an 11 year A, then BIL married OW:

Almost 3 years after d-day, things were going great and lately I've started blowing up and yelling at the drop of a hat. Don't know exactly why, but i'm behaving very badly. Don't know if it's menopause approaching, the fact that I will turn 50 in a month, or that someone who doesn't know about the affair just came by and had to show me some photos of OW looking radiant. I have been totally out of control and now FWH won't talk to me. I hate myself. How long can someone be expected to put up with the yelling?


Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2005
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're too hard on yourself--and sometimes I think we as BS should be "allowed" to have repercussions, meltdowns, whatever--at least occasionally--for as long as the LTA went on!! Makes me feel better when I still have days when I think of nothing else, or days when I can't think of a positive future, or days when I snap at H.

Plus you have an added burden of having OW as a family member. So unless you're being physically violent or disturbing the peace (outside of your marriage that is!), I think you're entitled. Hopefully your H will start talking to you and you can discuss this meltdown--not unreasonable INHO.

Hugs to you.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UNI,

HOpe you had a wonderful birthday! You deserve it!

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
marigold
♀ Member
Member # 6707
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's leaving on a business trip in the morning. I don't blame him for being angry, i've been a beast, and every time I say I won't yell again, i just do. I went on ADs about 6 month after dday, that helped with the anger, but only stayed on about three months, have been off a good 2 years now ,don't want to go back on. I think we are both thinking that we don't want to live like this for the rest of our lives, but don't know what to do about it. the last few months have been very good and then these last few weeks, it's like I blow up every other night or so. It's eats at me all day long thinking how OW s so young and pretty and everyone thinks she's sweet and his whole family must think he's noble for not leaving me to be with her.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Mar 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:10 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

Some of our Sisters are struggling this week, and I hope we can band together and support them best we can.

(((TRIBE)))

***
HBH, how did MC go then?

***
(((LostSoul)))

Quit being so hard on yourself.
It doesnt appear like your H is playing ball with R. You have choices. You always have choices. You can carry on like this, but it will do you in.Its already taken its toll on you. Or you can (as they say here) put on your big girl panties and take a stand. I think you and I are similar in some respects in that we dont want to create too much of a wave and we just want our S to step up off their own accord. Your H has shown that he is not going to do that. You have 2 choices here (IMHO). You can insist by setting down your conditions with consequences and stick to them; or you back off him, and take care of yourself.By that I mean put into place measures that heal you independent of him, that moves you to a place where you can move on without him if you so choose. At some point he might step up or he might not. Either way, you will be OK. Maybe the Tribe can think of alternatives?

Is it possible to explore this in IC? If you have the financial means, set up some interviews and go ahead with IC, iro what decision you make. SI cant be your sole IC, LS. You need someone IRL who can glean more from you than your posts, who will be better equipped to advice.

I know what its like falling into the abyss. You have to save yourself. If you can, go back to previous LTA threads, prob no3/4? where I was in a similar place and was given great advice from the Tribe. The number 1 beng :Look after yourself.

The first year antiversary is also quite a handful by itself (25Feb?). What did you guys do? Was he even aware?

***

Our reactions to the other person are so different from what they were before, it's like two different people from before are trying to re-engage, and it's difficult cuz our base has changed. He's guilty and depressed, I'm changed in my foundation and continue to be wary and self-referential over everything he says

25W, thats us too!
We are both trying to better handle this, but its a challenge. Last night was one where we both failed. I tried this morning to address it, but since he refuses to see my POV (I am not saying he has to agree to it, but at least acknowledge that it is valid), I became so frustrated and lashed out. In front of DD. I am so ashamed of myself and bear all responsibility. Irrespective of what a jackass he is, I have NO right to do that, no matter how frustrated or hurt or angry I am. I apologised to DD and the others (she told them mum and dad were fighting and dad pushed mum)and explained in general terms that we had a disagreement but behaved badly.No excuse. Sometimes I am a bigger jackass.Because I know better.

25, is this something you both are addressing in MC. I dont see it as a you issue, but an us issue. It would work better if both were given the same advice and strategies, and start reading from the same page, KWIM?

Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are not alone in that regard.

***

Welcome Marigold.
I am a bit confused about your family.
Your BIL knew that your H had a 10 year A with OW, and still married her??!!

With all due respect to him, what kind of asshat is he?

everyone thinks she's sweet and his whole family must think he's noble for not leaving me to be with her.

what am I missing here? The whole family knows about the A?Why would they think he is anything but a selfish arrogant f**ked up b******d for cheating on his W for so long? And they think the OW is sweet??!!
Jeez Marigold, you certainly have your handsfull with just your family, let alone the A aftermath and H.

WAL suggested to you that maybe the A wasnt successfully dealt with after dday. Maybe there are some unresolved issues?

Or maybe it is your hormones or menopause?

Sorry, I cant be of much help. Just thinking of the family dynamics and the OW being in the family, is making me so .

I hope someone wise and more experienced comes along with something good for you.

(((marigold)))

****
Run? SVS? Fnf? Zanny?Hefty?Up2me? Mum? Zanny? Newbies?

I am gonna get the rest of you later!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:42 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy belated birthday UNI. Try and make it a good one.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
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