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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs -IX
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nice to say some familiar sisters tonight.

(((FSA)))))
Oh, those dark days are tough.
Hoping your sunlight shines a bit soon.
But in case you didn't notice....you mentioned more than the LTA as possible stressors. That my friend, is progress, however small.
When we can actually get bothered by something as much as the LTA....then time is slowly doing its thing.

zanny, so good to see you. Thinking of you as the side-line watch continues...

Run,
You too...hope you are okay.

Lost,
Oh yeah....the "I hate the way he chews, breaths, brushes his teeth, etc, etc"
I think we do that sometimes in lieu of an outright primal scream.

Its okay.....you are entitled to your feelings and perceptions. One good thing about being in that space is that even that gets monotonous after a while, and you then start to look through it, instead of at it. KWIM?

Clarabell and marigold, welcome back.

[This message edited by numb and scared at 9:37 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 28th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he's packed and showering and the food is ready for the cooler at 5 AM tomorrow.

He was very appreciative of all the cooking I'd done for them. All night asking me if I'm ok, hugging me, kissing me.... and then, and I was waiting for it... I didn't clean out the dryer filter after I'd used it to dry HIS SOCKS! Couldn't get through one day without me doing something wrong, you know. I just whatever'd him and continued to watch LOST from the comfort of my side of the bed.

headed up for the night ladies... 4 AM comes very early... and the poor man still has to empty the back of the SUV... all alone, in the dark.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's gone. He got out relatively on time too.

He didn't keep me up until all hours either and he didn't get snappy, except for the dryer comment.

As we laid in bed last night, he snuggled up and told me "You're too good to me". I told him "I know". Hope he wasn't waiting for a similar comment from me!

So I'm not going to the gym today. I'm going to take a total ME day and give myself a pedicure, go shopping, read and not clean ONE THING!

Sunday I plan to take DD to the movies and dinner.

Oh, I forgot to tell you all... she got her diploma the other day... our first college graduate in the family. Dad's been calling her "college grad" all week instead of using her first name. She's been beaming from the attention. I really am proud of her, even if she didn't finish the way or when she planned. No one can take the BS away from her!

I think we do that sometimes in lieu of an outright primal scream.

You people do that instead? I used to do that in the car every day on the way home from work. That, beat the steering wheel and swear at him. Then I'd walk in the house all cool and calm.

So I closed and opened our chalet today. I think I'll brew a nice Chai tea....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 5:55 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, Is it just me or are you in a much better place this last while?

(((FSA)))


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, I'm sure I'm just on the upswing of the coaster, but I really attribute it to adopting a "I don't really care" attitude.

I'm sure there will come a day when I won't be able to take "one more negative comment" from him and breakdown again.'

I even know his buddy is bringing porn to the weekend and I know he'll find time to view it alone too. I don't give a flying f*ck. Just the picture of those two creepy 56 year old me in their bathrobes and hard ons having to whack off to video sluts for amusement makes me want to pity him.

My current take is that he's damn lucky to have me and I don't have to put up with his crap ever!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't give a flying f*ck. Just the picture of those two creepy 56 year old me in their bathrobes and hard ons having to whack off to video sluts for amusement makes me want to pity him.

Oh Weepy, i don't know if you meant to make me laugh at or cry with.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((FSA))))

I had to try about 4 diff types of ADs before I found one that worked well for me!
I am on edronax (reboxetine), and my GP finally agreed this morning to up my dosage to its original amount.
What are you scared about re ADs?

***
((((run)))))
Thanks Run. You hang in there too.How are you doing, btw?

****
Weepy!
You sound wonderful!!!
Do you think your change in attitude affected your H positively too?
I am so glad that his farewells went well and that you are doing good. Your turn up on the rollercoaster was abit over due. Enjoy the girls weekend!

****
(((((Tribe)))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even my IC this week said if she didn't know better, she'd think my twin sister showed up for my appt on Weds. That the person who was there last week was not here this week.

I don't know if my attitude is affecting him. I know I was actually stunned when he expressed gratitude last night.

mig, I don't know whether to laugh or cry either, so I think I'll just shake my head in disgust and walk away!

I don't know if I'll ever stop taking this ADs. Not for a while yet anyway. I can't go back to that.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA:

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. There are so many different kinds of anti-Ds, there must be something that would work without the unwanted side-effects. Don't give up.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone here considering doing the Oprah "A new Earth" seminar?

According to the reviews, this book is about finding your true spirit and giving up on ego-based desires (I want what I want when I want it) type thinking. The description in part reads:

A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose is a fantastic book for anyone who is looking for some illumination on life. Many of us want to change, yearn to better ourselves or grow to our fullest potential, yet we have no idea HOW to do this, how to find our life's purpose. We are living on 'ego', surrounded by stuff and are unconnected to who we really are inside.

I know that I'm really disconnected from who I am inside....


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in a little late but wanted to stop in and see how everyone's doing. FSA - sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. Hopefully, you'll find the right AD for yourself. I was lucky in that the first one I tried worked and kept me from falling all the way down after d-day. I hope you can find the right one or combination. It makes all the difference with R.
Lost - you sound like you're going through a rough time too. You are such a support to everyone here - I hope we can help you through this down swing. (((LH & FSA)))
Weepy - I just bought A New Earth but I'm currently reading The Kite Runner - great book - and I just finished A Thousand Splendid Suns - loved that one. It was good to read something that kept me from focusing on the LTA for a while. Sometimes we just need a reprieve, KWIM?
Anyway, once I start with A New Earth, I'll let you know. Is there anything in the Book Club forum going on with that one?
Hugs to all the tribe and wishes for a great weekend.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry I was MIA - had a deal almost fall apart and had to scramble to put it back together again. It takes every ounce of energy for me to do this stuff that came so easily to me before. I guess it is because at all times at 95% of my brain is occupied with all the crap that has been dumped on me in the last 6 months.

(((FSA))) sorry you are down. If the ADs don't work I agree with HB, try getting at least some exercise every day. Even if you don't feel better (but I bet you do), you will look better.

Wow, Weepy, you sound great. Hopefully, this isn't just an upswing but a whole new plateau. And, I did laugh at the mental picture of the two dirty old men in bathrobes.

((Lost)) I read your rant about hating the way he brushes his teeth, smells, etc. Its funny but just the way my husband smiles now makes me cringe. My IC says that I have officially entered the "anger phase" of this and that it is good. She wants me to feel the anger and to hate him so that I completely separate from him. That way if I decide to stay, it will be a choice after realistically assessing the sitch rather than from obligation.

I don't know how much I will be on this weekend. I am going away for a girls weekend with 6 girlfriends whom I don't see nearly enough. In an effort to make the weekend less stressful, I have told all of them that my H and I are "having trouble". I did not go into details because I know enought that if his background shocks even the hardened LTA tribe it will blow normal citizens out of the water. One of the group, my best friend, knows everything. Another knows he was unfaithful (she is an attorney and I will be leaning on her if it comes to D). The rest just know that something is not good. Although, as I said to my best friend, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what probably happened when two people who have been married for 22 years are suddently separated.

Anyway, Lost, I wanted to second the comment about support from some people IRL. As I told these women, I could feel a palpable sense of relief - as if the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I don't want too many people to know as I think it make R harder. But just to have a few girlfriends to know that all is not well is relief enough. Just a thought.....


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whores get what they deserve! I think it is poetic justice.

Clarabell - love to hear about the woes of the OW. Thanks for sharing this. I remember one of women who knew the OW in my case telling me how unhappy she was in her new job. I wanted to say, but didn't, What's the matter, isn't her new supervisor F---ing her? It gives me a perverse sense of joy to know that there is some payback for screwing around with our lives. Maybe one day I won't relish these stories but for the time being .

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:03 PM, February 29th (Friday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just the picture of those two creepy 56 year old me in their bathrobes and hard ons having to whack off to video sluts for amusement makes me want to pity him.

Weepy, yuk - just yuk! It's really an epidemic in our society now. I've been hearing so much about this lately in the news and from friends whose S's are into this. I was reading Steering Clear and he was talking about the problem in his ministry with this. My sisters pastor did a seminar on this recently too. I don't get it. Men are truly wired differently. I guess I'm just hoping that you see this as a broader problem and unfortunately your H is just one in thousands (or maybe more) with this peculiar addiction.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just the picture of those two creepy 56 year old me in their bathrobes and hard ons having to whack off to video sluts for amusement makes me want to pity him.
I admit I laughed when I read this. Then I sobered up as I wondered if my H (also 56) does this when away on business.

He left yesterday for 9 days. I'm optimistic that this might actually be good for us. We'll see.

I see my Dr. next week and will ask about new AD as I've taken Effexor since '95 (CFS/FMS) and think it's not enuf for dealing with the LTA added to my health status. Apparently Edronax (reboxetine) is not approved in N.A. so I don't know what to expect and dread new side effects. Canada also doesn't approve some meds that U.S. does.

Wishing everyone a good wkend. I expect that I'll be here a lot. Wish we had a real-time Chat here.
{{{LTA}}}


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I am admiring your strength lately.

hurtshirley - Your posts hit me and mirror a lot of my thoughts. Wondering where you are at today?

I have been strong but wow I had a sad for some reason today. I feel like D-day again.

Hope makes me feel beter.

I was wondering who in the tribe really feels like they are making it? If not where are you at right now?


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anything in the Book Club forum going on with that one?

Not that I see. I was just thinking that the online seminar would give me something to do each week at a certain time... but it's Monday nights and H feels about Oprah the way he feels about Dr. Phil which is

I admit I find all this "find the real you" business is another "fad". She did have someone on yesterday about finding your place in your 50's. Now SHE seemed interesting. I don't know if I can get into anything really deep now.

I'm reading Alan Alda's second autobiography. Figured that was safe.

hefty, I think I've just adopted the attitude... I'm headed here and if he wants to come along, fine, if he doesn't fine. Either way I'll be fine. With the real estate market the way it is, I could even get into a nice little place with half our joint assets. But again, I am never giving him my money! Never. If I have to live a totally separate life in order to be happy, I will, but I'm not handing over one cent of what I saved, I earned to him. No way in hell I'm financially rewarding him for having affairs.

You're still way too early in this mess to even consider that, I'm sure.

Hey, I'm even looking into a part time job... I'm thinking since spring is almost here, maybe at a flower nursery or garden center. PA has some very generous unemployment rules and I can make a little "mad" money, plus structure my life more.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just the picture of those two creepy 56 year old me in their bathrobes and hard ons having to whack off to video sluts for amusement makes me want to pity him.

LOL! Good grief that is too much. Ahhh, the visual.

Now that I'm recovered from the V-day funk, I'm feeling pretty good. That will likely be short lived as the day we were legally bound is coming up on the 15th of March. I still have no desire whatsoever to *celebrate* that day, and I don't know if I ever will again. I know H is not going to be happy about that, but he has noone to blame but himself for that so too damn bad. It's another day as far as I'm concerned. We share a life together. Things are going as well as can be expected under the circumstances. It is what it is. H said in a discussion recently that someday I will have to "put it in a box and shelve it" to move on in the M. Good old compartmentalization. Put it in a box and shelve it. Put it in a box and shove it.

Hugs and good thoughts to all those that are struggling.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey steelergal....

You know what I've decided? That we're no longer going to celebrate V day. It's just another day on the calendar. Expectations and disappointments. Who needs 'em.

I'm going to book tickets for a concert in June and say it's our anniversary gift. (We got married in July) that way there will be no "celebration" then. Next year's going to be the tough one... 30 yrs. I've been married.

I wanted to renew our vows at 25, but he wouldn't go for it... of course now I know why. But I told him "then definately at 30 because that's quite an achievement". Now I want to at the thought.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, February 29th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Fnf and Shirley.

Why do they try to help only when you are a sobbing mess on the floor, and even then H looks so disconnected or even bored. He said he is so tired of hearing the same story from me for years and years: how about I am suffering and about my pain and how he has hurt me. He said he even told his IC that when I get on this train, he switches off. What also bothers him is that according to him, I have the same reaction (OTT) to big and small issues, and he cant cope with that anymore.

I dont know what to say to him. I dont even know where to start, to even bother. Its not going to change a damned thing.

Thats how he sees me, thats how he has always seen me, and I guess thats how he will always see me.

I have sort of figured out something with IC's help. He has taken his mothers and his whores negative traits and cast them on me over the years.

I wish one of you really knew me IRL. I am not like that. Yes, I do get a bit OTT since ddays.WTF doesnt??
Before I would shut up and put up so as to not upset him, anything not to upset him. When I would get OTT was when it all became too much and I would try to reason with him and end up with tears rolling down my face and leave the room. I NEVER cried the way I do now. That I would do when I was alone, if ever. I learnt pretty young that crying loud is NOT good. You shut up and put up.

And he tells me this.

Who has he been living with all these years?
It sure wasnt me.

I know he doesnt deal well with negative emotion. And dammit, I try not to let it get to that stage.

He asked me today whether I dont think we are both wasting our times, that he doesnt want to be listening to the same stories 5 year or 10 years from now. And that he cant believe that I am stillstruggling with more or less, the same issues.

HE said that at some point soon, I am going to have to make the decision to let it go (the A), trust him and move on. Cos he just cant live like this (no trust,me always paranoid, him not being able to tell me anything cos I get so upset, etc)much longer.

I read here how some of your H tell you to take all the time you need to heal, that they would do anything and everything to help rebuild and do, how they will wait as long as it takes, how fortunate and blessed they are to have another chance...and I cant help comparing. What am I doing wrong? WTF am I doing wrong?

Add to it the kids stressing about the me working, the new job, my FOO, the crap financial sitch, this horrible house....and I am feeling abit overwhelmed.

Oh I didnt buy any clothes yesterday. I have gained weight. Nothing fitted.I left the mall in tears.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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