Anyone noticed the typo at the top of our spa?
Whats an affaris??
How are you doing? Did H call back then? That must have been so nervewracking for you. Are you going to address this with him, or let it go?
Is this a red flag for you, or do you think its a genuine mistake?
There was so much stuff. Page after page. And he says it meant nothing. He wrote:
The seasons have gone but they will return, the Winter,
Your Spring, the Summer, and our Autumnal delight,
To be shared, to be treasured, something to be repaired,
Our journey rejoined, our pathway remeasured and steps,
Carefully trodden, never leaving the stepping stones,
Lest one butterfly dies, and we change the world.
The Butterfly Effect. He doesnít want to change it. He doesnít want to go back and erase what he is doing. He wants what it is, to live in the moment, to have it unchanged as a memory. So where does that leave me?
Well, he can keep his fucking ďmomentsĒ. They might end up being all he has. I think this is the real reason why Iím here on this site. Iím truly fucked up by his emotional entanglement, his chasing the past, the dreams, the what might have beens.
LostH, his ICis about how he can help me, I am her main concern b/c she canít sort him until Iím on an even keel. She is concerned with me getting what I need right now. She is sorting him out and his why and wherefore and he is understanding the impact his A has had on him, me and our M. And she will get to the root in the end, if he is willing. We see her once a fortnight, we did go monthly, but there were always issues, so at my instigation we do two weekly. I do trust her, really. But Iíll get FWH to look someone else.
BT, he really is very clever with words. He is extremely articulate, Iím not bad, but he should have been a politician. He can appear to answer the question, then later, you realise heís danced all around it, but not actually replied to the specifics raised. Thatís one reason I wrote all the Qís down a year or so ago. And then I find he hasnít answered them truthfully, or he has lied by minimising and belittling to the point of it not being an issue. Well, Iím sorry, but him saying ďI didnít contact her that frequentlyĒ when I find out it was a dozen times a day or more is ďfrequentĒ in my book, but obviously not in his.
I had stopped asking. But the latest thing about it being HIM pursuing HER and not the other way around is a pretty big issue for me and the result has been an emptying out of the A box all over the floor Ė again. Just tell me the fucking truth, you fucking idiot. Thatís all I ask. Iíve always said he was first in line for intelligence, but last in line for common sense. Me? Iím LOADED with common sense. I donít care how many qualifications heís got, heís still an idiot.
Iím sorry. This is a real pity party and Iím drowning in the punch bowl. And that first verse? Near the end, ďfoxfireĒ? The name on two of our houses. One of which was near where she lived as a childÖ.. thank God itís not the name of our current house.
Iím really not offering anything to anyone right now (like a certain OW I can think of), but I feel like Iím losing it. This from someone who COPES. I just get on with things. Deal with it, move on. Iím the one to give advice and to be there for other people, not the wet blanket who gives up, crawls under the duvet and weeps.
I think someone stole my bootstraps. Okay, Iíll use my bra straps instead (hey, make that camisole ) I will get over this, I will not let it push me under, I am better than him, I can be strong and I can find a way through this shit.
I want to say thank you. This place has been my everything when I was at such a low give-up point. Really, I had nothing left to give and the LTA tribe has so much wisdom and strength to offer those in the pit of despair. I need a glass of wine. See you in the morning. love you all.
ETA, sorry, ref to foxfire was in another poem I had started to quote, "the room with its own foxfire". PUKE
[This message edited by UKgirl at 2:01 PM, March 6th (Thursday)]
Hoobastank song, it's on the CD I made for H after Dday. Not his kind of music, but yeah, that's what I want to hear.
But I get it convoluted from him. The IC says he is saying what I want to hear, but he couches everything so negatively it's hard to hear the message.
He said he couldn't face me or the kids, that's why he hid behind the video games and the anger and the sleeping and worked 7 days a week. He escaped with her and then he had to escape from her and from us. He was nowhere.
He says things like "If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be" instead of "I want to be here". "I don't have anywhere else to go" instead of "I don't want to go anywhere else."
Yes, our relationship has many layers, many moments other than the affairs. But there were layers to the LTA too. No way in hell it happened the way he said it did. According to him, every time I'd say something he'd tell me "you think that because you're a woman, men don't think that way". Uh, were you fucking another man? Then why didn't SHE think that way too? His answer "because she was weird, odd, different". He swears she wanted no more from him than to be treated like a hooker. Excuse me? Did you read her letters? The ones where she said she loved you and missed you and wished you were there with her all the time instead of the stolen minutes? OH yeah, I forgot, she was a liar too.
Last night we were watching Idol. He's making comments about Paula being wasted. And all I can think about is his GF being high and him NOT criticizing her. But if I have a little too much to drink, I'm an alchy and a disgrace.
It's like his pendulum has swung back completely to the opposite side. Sex all the time to no sex. Hanging out with low lifes, druggies and never home to being judgemental about anyone who isn't "perfect".
He's just called. He's giving his notice at work. He'll start the new job in 2 weeks. He called me the minute he knew. He told the kids right after me. WE are first on his mind, on his agenda and I know he loves me, I just can't make that step.
On the McBride song, I don't hear that as OW speak. I hear that as confused wife speak... like maybe he is fooling around and she's sensing the distance and asking what's going on. As to whether it applies to me.. where would I be if H wasn't in my life.... I don't know.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Of course you are upset. He is behaving like how he did during the A, putting himself first. You can fuss and rant but it doesnt change a thing, does it?
The only thing you can control is you. Either you stand your ground and mean it; or you decide whether this is good enough for you to R.
And dont for a minute think that he is too busy to know better. HE knows. HE chose how to act last night.
Oh my Friend.
Please box those stupid poems up. Oh better yet, how about a little burning excercise. This can be quite cathartic you know, putting those ugly poems to some fire and watching them turn to ash.
We know you are LOADED with common sense. Remember what we were saying to each other recently about us being where we need to be, and not fighting it. You came up with that brilliant analogy of the riptide.
So just be, Ukg. If you are feeling sorrow, then embrace it openly. Cry, mourn, wail, get angry, stomp your feet, deface H's photos...whatever you need to go through this. Speaking from one common sense girl to another, I BET you havent ever let go like this before in your life?
Wear black, keep the curtains closed.
You know in our community, they "allow" us 40 days to grieve when a close family passes. In that time, other family members/friends bring in food, help with cleaning etc. All you do is grieve and pray.At the end of the 40 days, everyone gets together and eats a meal and pray together. Then the bereaved are "released" back into real life again.
I had huge problems with this when my DS passed away, but I can see how it can help though. Maybe thats what we need. A proper mourning time where we dont just grin and bear it and fake our way.
That what I am offering you Ukg, on behalf of the Tribe. You dont have to be anything you are not feeling.
Like BT said, honour your feelings.
When the time is right, and it will come, you will be ready to wash your face, open the curtains and make your next move. And we will be here with you.
It's like his pendulum has swung back completely to the opposite side.
Weepy, theres something here but I cant quite see it.
Maybe he is holding himself to a stricter code as well, not just the rest of the world?
Also I am so glad he called you and the kids first about the job. HE sure took a long long time, but it does sound like Mr Weepy may be coming around.
I am all over today, arent I?
Guess I was suffering from withdrawals.
(Hope nobody here is a trainer, but if you are I am sure you are fascinating )
Now I have to read 3 pages of posts to catch. I guess what goes around comes around as I was miss prolific yesterday.
I will catch up and be back to comment....
the more and more I read your posts, the more I regret us not meeting up
I know that I will eventually have to share my story, but just thinking about it exhausts me. It's just been a really LONG week and I am tired.
So I just want to put myself out here and say hello, and I shall return soon.
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Does anybody know the genesis of this word? It is perfect.
After reading all three pages all I can say is I am so sorry for all the hurt and pain.
UKgirl - you seem to be a darker place than I and, reading the poetry, I can understand. I agree with others that, although well crafted, it is somewhat juvenile in its emotional maturity. I definitely think he was trying to revisit a prior era in his life that just wasn't there.
LostS - read mine and Emptyone (my H) profile. I would say more than 90% of his fucking around was on company time. He was fucking around with women at his co. behind his LTAs back. (Please don't take this too personally because this might be my own mini-rant) This is NOT acceptable. I don't care if he won the fucking Nobel Peace Prize, he needs to call. He must let you know where he is if you want to know. This is complete bullshit and smells to high heaven. Sorry if this is not your history but it is mine.
Weepy - I agree with LostH - there is something there that he is trying to say. Your recent behavior has been so strong - maybe that resonated with him? Try to stay in that place with him and see if he responds?
LostH - thank you for coming in every day without fail. How is it going with the new job? Are you happy? Is it making you feel like you have your own place?
Sorry if I missed anyone....geez, three more pages in one day and there aren't that many of us.
H. is on his way home from the airport. Came home a day early from Asia. In the old days, he would have stayed until Friday for the party and his "massage". Funny, I would rather have him there than here. The kids will be glad to see him though.
Anyway, what struck me was how much anger was in the posts. After being away for a while, the hurt and anger just drips off the pages.
After this second d-day, I thought I would be right back in that spot, but for some reason, it just doesn't seem to be there for me.
Like Numb said, there is just a point, where you realize that the work is on them. There is a distance that takes over because it just simply isn't about you. When you accept that, and accept that this may be a situation you don't have control over, then you can move on to yourself. The first go around, I really believed I had control. Now, I know that it is an impossibility no matter what or who the person is. Even if I remarried, I would have no control. Simply by virtue of choosing to love someone, we are choosing to lose the control over a part of ourselves.
Anyway, it is the anger that I was thinking about. Anger is a catalyst, but it's a short term one. I liken it to rebooting your computer after it shortwires and you need it going in a hurry. It feels great to get it up and running, it can get you going in the right place, but it's not good in the long run.
I think anger can be productive. It can give us the feeling that we are connecting with empowerment, by like all emotions, it will eventually fade and be replaced by another. Thank God, because we wouldn't want to sustain anger for long periods because it is intense and exhausting. I think the important thing is to take the anger and ask what did you want from it? What did you gain by being angry or generating the anger? The empowerment comes in recognizing what you want and then pursuing it not just in fits, but consistently.
BT described it...it's the walks, it's the classes, its' the job you always wanted to take, it's the focus on what your priorities are rather than on healing HIM to your degree of satisfaction. In some ways, it's taking your mind off of it, so you can go on to be the person you had intended.
"Just when the caterpillar thought it was over, she became a butterfly."
I think I would start with some of the classics, reading wise. Even if you've read them before, I think they'll mean something different to you now. I've tried to keep it down to a reasonable number.
1. My Mother, My Self. Nancy Friday.
2. Homecoming. Bradshaw or The child within. Whitlow
3. Intimate partners by Maggie Scarf. Like Harville Hendrix, she uses relationships to explain who we are.
4. Women who love too much. Robin Norwood. The original book on co-dependence written before the term was even coined.
5. Loving Him without losing you. Beverly Engel. She actually has several great books and you could pick any one of them(Blessings from the Fall, Honor your anger, Healing Your Emotional Self).
6. Loving What Is, byron katie. I don't agree with all of her ideas, but it's an interesting, cognitive-based approach you can do yourself.
7. The Road by the River by D. Toor. If you are interested in Jung and his archetypes and how they apply especially to women.
The book I mentioned about the South is not a self-help book but a novel about a mother and daughter and all the spoken and unspoken do's and don'ts they both learned growing up as GRITS. It was a popular book, can anyone help me with the title?
And one book I think we should all have on our nightstands: The Language of Letting Go, by Mellody Beattie. You read a page per day.
Warm welcome to you, lovinlife.
As we say here, it is a place no one wants to belong to, but so glad it exists.
Take your time, get your bearings and jump in when you are ready.
It strikes me, reading the last few days...well, ever since this "Affaris X" (you are observant, Lost. )began...these nitwit, fucktard LTA H's of ours all have something in common, beyond their despicable ability to deceive for so long....
They all married smart, insightful, capable, witty, practical, compassionate, talented women.
No matter how things may have fallen through the cracks, and we all have that element in some personal way or another, along the way in each marriage in how we BS see what our flaws and shortcomings may have been... It seems that everyone at least began their marriage journey with a boatload of valuable personal attributes. As evidenced by the caliber and depth and sincerity of all the posts.
So why, if a WS has a wife he can rely on and be proud of for many reasons, would he need or desire "more?"....
Or is the question really...Why did they need or desire "less?"
Welcome lovinlife. When you are ready, post your story. In the meantime, feel free to jump in whether to post a reply or observation or just talk about whats on your mind.
The job is going great. Mind you its only the first week, but it is FANTASTIC doing something that is not related to the family or LTA. I dont mean that in a bad way, but you guys know what I mean. I am so busy in the day that I dont obsess where H is, who he is lunching with, etc. I dont mark my time with what he is or isnt doing.
It is itimidating as this is a field (children with severe disabilities)that I have no knowledge of or experience in. But I am up for it!
The only problem (apart from what to wear) are the kids. Although they have taken to the childminder quickly, they are all reacting in different negative ways to me working, for eg. youngest DD has become even more clingy and anxious, DS is stressed out as he feels he needs to be more responsible, and eldest DD is backchatting.
IC prepared me fr this, but its still tough. I come home tired and hungry, have to cook supper, the kids want my undivided attention, I cant sleep at night.
All teething difficulties and I know I need to manage my time better. We will get there. As for H and the M...sigh.
Now arent you sorry that you asked Shirley!
Funny, I would rather have him there than here
How does he respond to Angry Shirley, I am curious to know?
I have noticed that it is very helpful when the WS dont react too negatively when we go through this phase, and it also helps us process it better and faster.
Whereas in my case, I know that I am not allowed to fully feel my anger or sadness, and that I think stunts me and my process of healing. If we dont feel safe to experience all the phases, how can we fully let go of one phase and move to the other, KWIM?
H and I had an argument this am. Its about an old age issue, and he cant understand why I cant see it without attaching all our previous experiences on it, and I cant see how he can.
So we reach a stalemate, him angry and me hurt.
I miss work.