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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Next appt is a week from tomorrow.
She did tell me in the beginning that if I was a threat to myself or someone else that she would have to report it to our local authorities, (which I work for). My problem is that I do suffer from S thoughts, but I am not a threat. Can she understand that, I wonder? But the thoughts are torturous. They make my pain all the deeper, to feel that way. I'm not worried about doing it. But if she knew that I had the thoughts or images, she would probably be worried about me. I think menopause along with the LTA is just doing a number on me. I did tell her that I was menopausal also. She said "don't you think that God knew what He was doing with His timing". I don't mean to be unbelieving, but I don't know how to take that. When she and my H come at me with it's all just the devil messing with your head, I don't agree. I'ts what he did that is messing with my head. They make me feel childish. They make me feel like I should be over this but that I just let the devil have control over my thoughts. It's enough to make me want to pull my hair out. I hate to give IC up b/c there is only one more in this area, and my ins will only pay for 10 visits but my current IC is working with me on that. Round and round. Am I the only one that would feel like I do? Should I listen to her and just pray for strength? I belive in prayer, and don't mean to imply that I don't. But I just feel like there's more to this than "its the devil". The devil did not have an LTA my H did.
Xanax is kicking in, and I'm getting sluggish. But it's a welcome sluggish.
Honestly, do I sound crazy? Or do I sound normal, living a crazy situation. I honestly don't know anymore.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for listening, but Im really getting numb. Better lay down.

PS when I typing really the 1st time I got about 8 l's in it. I'd say the xanax are doing their thing.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did tell me in the beginning that if I was a threat to myself or someone else that she would have to report it to our local authorities,

Do you think this is a state by state thing as I never was told any such thing and let me tell you...I have told my IC that I would rather be dead, I would love to see him dead, etc., etc., etc.,

FSA - sorry I missed you tonight. Do you have a standing appt? Sounds like you call when you need someone to talk to. I have found that sometimes my best sessions/vents are when I think everything is fine and I have nothing to talk about. Could you have a standing weekly or bi-weekly appt?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
runoverbytruck
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Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she is caring and trying to help me. But she is just too limited. For her to think that she hadn't heard from me in a couple of weeks meant that I was doing good, just goes to show you how little she really understands me. She hadn't heard from me b/c I couldn't even function well enough to call her. I'm afraid maybe I haven't even shown her the true depth of my pain b/c sh'es like any other outsider, you hide what it's really like.

I say let her know you're not showing her everything. Tell her what you told us, FSA. All that says to me is, "I don't trust you not to hurt me too." Maybe she can work with that. You must be a pretty good actress if she thinks you're doing well, and that's not helping you.

One thing I do notice is that when you stay off of SI, you plunge more. Maybe you need the outlet; the understanding; the support. When you are here and posting your thoughts, feelings and struggles, you are able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps faster. I understand the need to stay away sometimes... but not if it's not working for you. If you don't want the group setting--PM instead. But I think you need more than just your H and your IC who thinks you're doing great.

She said "don't you think that God knew what He was doing with His timing". I don't mean to be unbelieving, but I don't know how to take that.

I don't know how to take that either.

When she and my H come at me with it's all just the devil messing with your head, I don't agree. I'ts what he did that is messing with my head. They make me feel childish. They make me feel like I should be over this but that I just let the devil have control over my thoughts.

I would have a problem with this too, especially if my H were saying it. Because to me, he would be shoving off the blame to yet another "something" and not taking responsibility for the pain he's caused me. Yeah, I wouldn't like that.

I don't know how to make decisions anymore. I don't trust myself enough to make decisions. When my teen DD asked if she can go and do something, I honestly don't know the right answer. I can't decide if it is an o.k. thing for her to do or not.

You're speaking my language now. Isn't that ridiculous??? I do this aaaaaaaall the time. Her: "Mom, I'm going to take the dog on a walk around the block a few times. K?" Me: "Mmmmmmmmmm...I don't know." Her: <<<With a WTF? look on her face>>> "What do you mean you 'don't know'?" Me: "I don't know." Yup. It's great, isn't it? She thinks I'm nuts. (Am I nuts?)

Lostsuol, the little images come from Photobucket and the instructions are in the Healing Library in the FAQs, I think.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
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Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When she and my H come at me with it's all just the devil messing with your head, I don't agree. I'ts what he did that is messing with my head. They make me feel childish. They make me feel like I should be over this but that I just let the devil have control over my thoughts. It's enough to make me want to pull my hair out.

Quite frankly FSA, I'd be pulling my hair out too. In fact, I'd be frigging bald if my IC/MC was saying this to me, especially if he was saying this in front of my H and I had the two of them trying to get me to buy this crap.
Would you ever feel comfortable asking her to keep the devil out of your C'ing sessions? It's not that I don't believe, and I'm not critisizing anyone's faith, it's just that it seems too easy a solution when, in fact, LTA recovery is very complex and to chalk it up to the devil seems overly simplistic and diminishes your legitimate need for being heard. I would let her know in no uncertain terms how you honestly feel about this and insist on more constructive advice. Perhaps she is out of her league on this one. I asked my C how many LTA victims he has treated - he admitted I was the first. I am amazed how effective he is considering that he has no experience with LTA clients.
I'm betting you're the first too. A lot of C's have STA experience but I doubt many have LTA experience. As I said in another post a while ago, we are a rare breed. We are victims of LTA's who, instead of running to the D lawyers, decided to stay here and fight for our M's. I never did the count with those of us on board now in the LTA forum, but when you consider that we span the entire country, cross the ocean, and are as far as Australia, the number of those of us here fighting is relatively small. I'm betting many of us have C's that will admit we are a rare breed indeed. That's why so many on here seem to be having trouble finding effective C's. Too few have the experience to deal with a LTA and its fallout.
Sending you hugs and hoping that Xanax helps you to relax. Check in tomorrow if you can and let us know how you're doing.
(((FSA)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
runoverbytruck
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Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's just that it seems too easy a solution when, in fact, LTA recovery is very complex and to chalk it up to the devil seems overly simplistic and diminishes your legitimate need for being heard.

Yes. That's it exactly, fnf.

I'm betting many of us have C's that will admit we are a rare breed indeed. That's why so many on here seem to be having trouble finding effective C's. Too few have the experience to deal with a LTA and its fallout.

Recently, I posted about interviewing new MCs. One couldn't understand what the hell I was talking about when I said I wanted someone with experience in LTA recovery , and the other flat out told me she had none, and that you don't typically see those people because the marriages usually just end.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
BorrowTrouble
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Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

run,

I wonder what would happen if you looked for someone who has experience with PTSD? The longer I am at this, the more I think that is the appropriate model for therapy for us LTAers.

FSA:

Girl, I think it is time that we meet, don't you? In three weeks I am going to be 50 years old. It is messing with my head. You've got a whole lot of shit messing with your head. Personally, I think two messed up heads are better than one. What do you think?

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
25wimsey
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Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, March 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think BT is right--if you can't find someone with LTA experience, find someone with PTSD experience. Glass's book Not Just Friends uses this model for infidelity in general, and it makes a lot of sense. I know I experienced most of the symptoms for a long time.

I think most of us have thought at one time or another that it would be easier being dead, I know I did and sometimes still do, but it does not mean that I am suicidal or have any plans to commit suicide--just seems to be a real fact, that when I'm dead, I won't have to deal with this anymore and that will be a relief. But I'm far enough into this that I don't want to be dead--it's just another way of saying how painful it all is. At least for me. Each one of us has to examine what we mean when we think about that--and if we really are suicidal, that's a different story--

The devil stuff or questioning god's timing doesn't help at all--we're living with real people, our spouses, who are responsible for this mess--wondering how much a devil or god has to do with it doesn't get us any further in our healing. Not to offend anyone though--but it makes me mad when people say something is god's will or the devil's influence--doesn't lessen the pain and even takes away some of the responsibility from the WS.

My H just doesn't initiate any conversations about the infidelity--only brings up stuff around OC, since that's an ongoing issue. And it's hard to know when is a good time to bring things up myself--H says I should schedule "talks" like we did for awhile--I still think and obsess about stuff a fair amount and could use more talking, but don't like to spoil weekends, and don't want to stay up all hours like we did for months more toward the beginning, don't want to give up regular stuff like watching a DVD or taking a walk or something to go over the same old stuff, in a different form. Or asking for reassurance if I'm down. There isn't time to do everything.

But it doesn't go away or really heal without many discussions and lots of time and willingness on both our parts to delve deep and keep up the communication. But I'm sooooo tired of it all. Maybe it's time to try the positive psychology I've read about--anyone heard of that?

Not a good week for anyone is it. Hugs to all.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
Lost Heart
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Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:38 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning.
Few second before I take DDs to school.

(((FSA)))
My IC is starting EMDR with me this week I think. She thinks its the way for me to handle the plunges and triggers I ahve. Please consider it. Also, I know its sounds wacky but the tapping (EFT) is working for me too.When I do do it.

Please dont let her diminish your pain, becasue thats what it is sounding like to me.

go on, meet up with BT. It will be great for both of you. Mum and I are trying to meet up soon as well, and I cant wait!

Hugs to everyone else struggling. (((())))

Off to work. yahooo!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
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Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Run, I love the SPA theme!
You know us working wimmen need our pampering!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning,
Thanks to all of you last night. I was beside myself with.....? But the xanax did their job and knocked me out.

Yes BT it's time. Saturday's are good for me. Check your calendar and get back with me.

Guess I'm going to have to approach IC differently. Let her know just how bad this messes with me. I think she has an idea but I've never told her how bad I can get. I think in front of her I try and be strong. We normally make an appt at the end of each session, but last time her H was having surgery and she was going to be out for a week. I was to call her when I checked H's schedule b/c she has been bringing him in, to make my next appt. I didn't do that. I waited for about 3 weeks before I called. Maybe that was my 1st mistake. And she has had one more LTA that she dealt with. It was either 4 or 5 years and the wife ended up having a revenge A, which knocked the H off of his feet. The wife said that she wanted the H to know just what it felt like. Anyway, IC brought them through it and they are still together. She told me about this, naturally she didn't mention any names. As for EMDR I don't think she is that highly trained. I haven't asked so that is just an assumption on my part. But she doesn't appear to me to be.
I hate to say this but I think one of my problems is that I keep wanting to D but feel like I am trapped. Trapped b/c of finances and not wanting to bust up my big family. I did after Dday want to stay with H. And I worked real hard at my M. But when I found out almost a year later that he was just still lying to me about all of it. I have a hard time finding the want to anymore. And then again, it may be that I'm just so tired of dealing with LTA that I see D as an out to all the pain and suffering. Whatever it is, I'm stuck.
Also my life is not going well right now. Not LTA related just life in general. I feel like if I enjoyed my life other than LTA then it would be easier for me. My house is literally falling apart around me, so being at home is very very depressing. We have decided to not put any money into repairs b/c our neighbors are horrendous. We want to move. I'm patiently waiting for my H to be a man and actually take some steps towards this other than just talking about it. You see for our entire M, I either did things or they didn't get done. It's his turn. Hell, I can't make decisions on the little things, I should not be expected to have to do it this time. But there's no two ways about it, we've GOT to move. Hopefully that will help bring me up some. It's got to. Picture this....you come home from work, my immediate neighbors are all outside (anywhere from about 10 of them to 15) they have a fire built in the yard along with the 2 goats, the 2 hogs, and the 2 horses. They are all cussing each other from the littlest to the biggest. The yard if full of ?????? stuff everywhere. So I walk across my yard trying ever so hard to act like it's not there. If I don't look, maybe it will go away. Then I make it to my front door. I walk into a very depressing house. It's dark and very unkempt. There are major repairs that need to be made. Repairs that I can do nothing about. My kitchen floor has sinking spots in it, so that when I am trying to prepare dinner, I feel like I'm walking up and down these hills. Then H comes home and I see him as the one who has put me in this situation. And to top it off he was with that skank all those years that I was busting my tail to keep this family afloat.
Do you think that you would be any better than I am? I just feel like that if I had a nice home to come home to in the evenings. And no crazy neighbors to bother me. That maybe must maybe I would do better. I just feel like I don't have much of anything going for me right now.

Better get ready for work. And btw I do feel better this morning. May not sound like it, but I do.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more thing. I'm not able to check SI at work for a while. Our offices are being redone and instead of me having my own private office Im sitting right beside one of the town's biggest gossips. I don't dare let her see me in SI. So I'll check back this evening.

Have a good one.


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love the new theme.
Great vision, run.

No decisions about what to wear, good or bad hair day, make-up or no make-up...yep, just fluffy robes and slippers.....perfect!!!!

My post on this subject was the last one on the former thread.... I won't repost it again except to capsulate it and say again, that for me, months and months and months of feeling "stuck" began to take its toll, emotionally and philosophically.

I do think that PTSD is probably the clinical term for what state of being BS of LTA's are left to deal with.

fsa, If you do not feel "safe" being candid with your IC, perhaps you do need to look for a new one.
We have discussed this very real problem often here....there are very few therapists who understand the depth and complexities of recovery from LTA. And when you, the client, feel hamstrung to try to describe, yet again, how you feel, it causes even more stress and despair for you. Not a productive climate for healing at all.

She said "don't you think that God knew what He was doing with His timing".

Honestly, I find this statement appalling. It has nothing to do with "believing" or not believing, ((((fsa))))....
Her statement contains nothing constructive for you in the here and now. And that is what you are paying for.

You are not childish or inadequate as an adult...you are struggling with letting go of the deepest pain you have ever felt. My version of "Letting go" as I mentioned in my last post, became a matter of survival for me. It does not mean "all gone," or "all better."

((((FSA))))) you will make it through this.


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



Posts: 3958 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From:
weepy
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Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:27 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this spa is just what my aching back needs. I'm seriously considering finding a massage therapist (wonder if that's a combo deal? ) Could we bring one in?

I'm afraid maybe I haven't even shown her the true depth of my pain b/c sh'es like any other outsider, you hide what it's really like.

I feel like this too. The last time I let all the pain and frustration out at session she told me to have my meds checked, that being this sad, for this long is so detrimental to my health. So I put up the "mask". I told my last therapist that I felt like I was letting HER down every time I took a step backward. It became awkward and I had to leave... well that and she was giving me some pretty whacky advice too.

But after having a good, brave session with IC last week, I know I'd feel awful going in there and falling apart again. She thought I was doing so well, and I really think it was the fact that H was going away and I was looking forward to it.

I know all this pain is caused by trying to get past something that is just unfathomable to me.

Yesterday I even forgot my psychiatrist appt. I never forget appts. I think I just got caught up in the "oh I only have so many hours left before H comes home" thing that it went completely out of my mind. Fortunately he could see me at 6. He told me I would be on the A/D for about a year. That he'd re-evaluate me at the end of the summer to see if we could start weaning me off. Unless H and I make some pretty big strides before then, I can assure you and him that I will need to continue.

FSA/Run, I've done the decision thing over and over. I'm trying to remember that I am the one in the family who, when I do make decisions, make good ones... well, except the ones involving H. But with the kids, I'm ok on dispensing advice. But since mine are older, they don't clear all their plans or decisions with me. I may just have it easier.

So, the big homecoming. He arrived 10 minutes before I had to leave for my Psych. appt. He said he was glad to be home, that he missed me, he was tired from the 8 hour drive and was going to nap while I went to my appt. First he said, though, could you make me some tea? I went out into the kitchen, not even thinking that I had used the last of the hot water earlier and saw the card.

Believe it or not, I know that I'm not always the easiest person in the world to get along with.

There are times when I'm noody, and no matter what you do or say, I'll find fault.

I know that at times I push you to the point where you feel that you just can't win and you wonder what you could possibly be doing wrong.

Well, it's not you, it's me. I just can't understand what someone as wonderful as you could see in me, and I get scared. I'm afraid you'll suddenly see all my flaws and fall out of love with me.

I know it's no excuse, but these times when I'm the most difficult are probably the times I'm loving you the most and can't bear the thought of life without you.

So I'm trying (see new tag line) and I do love you... more than anything in the world.

It was beautiful, perfect and yet made me so sad. All I could think was that it does no good to recognize this stuff and do nothing about it. OR worse, that it's just words on a card. How awful would it be if I asked him if he really means everything in there?

I want to tell him not to be scared, that I've seen the worst of his flaws with the infidelity and that the only flaw that may drive me away yet is that he won't work on taking down that wall. That if we can't be truly intimate and honest with each other, that will drive me away.

Of course then I'd have to admit I wasn't as wonderful as he thinks.

Also, somehow I can't picture him reading this card, identifying with it and not breaking down in the card store. In public? No way.

Gotta fly for the moment. I'll be back.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe, I have my admissions interview for grad school this a.m. I appreciate it if you could spare a prayer or good thought. Thanks.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT, sending you a angel for your shoulder! And hopes that those admission people know what a gem they'd be getting.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mumto3sat
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Member # 14336
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy and FSA sorry if this comes across a bit strong, it is meant gently and because I care and of course is just my opinion but about not being totally open with the counsellor thing. I think that maybe you are doing what we all seem to do, which is; being nice, being the good girl, carrying everyone's load (including the therapists now!). You are paying your therapist they are there to do a job. They need all the information to be able to do the job.

It reminds me of my H and why he got into all this in the first place. He kept it inside, he wouldn't let me in to see his needs, he decided to go elsewhere and all that time I thought everything would be ok, I knew we weren't perfect and the few times I did try he wouldn't open up to me until dday. He never gave me the opportunity to listen to help him, to help myself. He closed himself off. I don't think it is that far-fetched to say that putting on a mask in front of your therapist is a similar behaviour. It does not allow them to do their job.

I can't believe that talking about not wanting to live anymore would consitute a very real S threat to a therapist, they are trained to recognise this. I've told my counsellor many times I don't want to live anymore, but that is very different to actually doing something about it. But if I didn't tell her that then she would not have any real idea about where I am.

Your therapist will not be disappointed if you go back after a good week and end up down the tubes again. It is not their job to even consider this.

I think you should give your therapists a fair shot at helping you. Sorry if this comes across 2x4ish, it's not meant that way at all, and your therapists may not be the right ones for you, but it would be hard to know that if they haven't really been given the opportunity.

As to the LTA experience thing, my counsellor is currently working with a man who has just finished a 19 yr affair! Also with an ex ow who has finished a multiple yr affair, and she has had experience with LTA BS's too, but to be honest I'm not sure it makes that much difference. Sometimes I think she's great and in a general way she is, but she doesn't get it. Not the full scope of it. The truth is unless someone has been there they can't. I think BT's point about PTSD is the right one. I think that experience on dealing with this in particular may be the most important thing.

I won't even get started on the devil's work thing, because I agree with whoever it was above who said that is just an easy way to justify behaviour, what about your H recognising the devil at work when it happened and stopping it then so that you didn't have to deal with it FSA? It's just too easy, it's aimed at guilting you into moving forward into forcing you to change your behaviour. That's not fair, at all. It's right in the sense we all have to make that decision to move on at some point whether that is within or without our M, but it has to come out of our recognition that we deserve to move on, that we deserve a life of happiness and that we have the power to achieve this, it shouldn't come from feeling guilt because you are weakly succombing to the devil if you don't.

Rather, maybe it is God's work because He needs you to stay where you are for a while so that you can really take the time to come to know yourself and your own strength and hence be more able to carry out His work in the future? I'm not religious as you know, but surely that is a more constructive way to look at it?

I think I do believe in this in a way, because when my aunt died of cancer 8 yrs ago she said she was glad she had got it because due to her illness her son got himself checked out to find he had cancer himself which they cured. She was around for him through this whole time and was his rock. He may have died leaving 2 very young children had his mother not suffered, could that not be God's work? Another example is my mum who has often said that she is actually glad in a way that my dad had an affair ten years ago because if she had not gone through that pain then she would have been very little use to me in my pain because of the blinkered viewpoint she had of such things in the past. She is grateful for that pain now and so I am (for her pain) because she has been my rock.

Remember I'm not religious at all, but I still think there might be something in this. It doesn't need to be the devil, it could be God working in mysterious ways. (Is that too much of a cliche?)

Does that come across as a bit of a rant? I'm really not meaning to offend anyone. I'm very sorry if I have.

Anyway I hope everyone has a good day.


Me (BS): 38
Him (WS): 38
3 children, d 6 s 4 s 1yr
D day #1 03/16/07 8 mth ea
D day #2 07/13/07 turned into 7 year long term affair, pa/ea 08/18/07 Got final info - is that it?

Posts: 284 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: UK
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bt
you'll do GREAT! just be you. sending good thoughts

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart - sounds like your first day was a huge success.
Way to go! So glad you were still able to post too. We'd miss you terribly if you went away :)
FSA - You sound better this morning. You're not trying to hide your feelings with us now are you?
Remember, this is your (our) safe place and we've all been there.
As for your home situation, I thought you mentioned a while back that you were moving. Has that changed? From the description you gave, I would agree that a change would be a good idea if at all possible. ((FSA))
Weepy - WOW - just WOW! That was a beautiful note. Did he bring this home from his weekend? I would not say anything negative to him or question his motives. I cannot believe that these are "just words on a card." Too heartfelt and I think he was taking a risk showing you his vulnerability. If you did ask him "if he means everything in there" it might be a very long while before he shares his vulnerability with you again (IMHO).
the only flaw that may drive me away yet is that he won't work on taking down that wall. That if we can't be truly intimate and honest with each other, that will drive me away.

Weepy, this note sounds like he is sincerely chipping away at one of his walls and trying to give you what you been asking for. I'm sure after all the ways he has disappointed you over the course of your R, you're afraid to believe in this note. But to question this now, I feel, would be a self-fulfilling prophecy, JMO. Take this note for what it is, an attempt on Mr. Weepy's part to be open and show you that he just might be able to change with your help and patience.
(((Weepy)))
ETA - Why not change that question around into a positive comment? Perhaps let him know that it meant so much to you for him to share his fears with you. That this is exactly what you've been hoping to get from him. Let him know that you were moved by his note. And then, if the spirit moves you, give him a little reward.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 8:05 AM, March 4th (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
numb and scared
♀ Member
Member # 9908
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, March 4th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have my admissions interview for grad school this a.m. I appreciate it if you could spare a prayer or good thought.

BT,

Hey, sister.....Not only do you have my prayers and good thoughts, you have my admiration.

If you interview as effectively as you "think"....you are a shoe-in.

Walking in there with you....


BS
LTA
"Lying is the strongest acknowledgement of the force of truth."
- William Hazlitt
"Let us move on, and step out boldly, though it be into the night, and we can scarcely see the way."
-Charles B. Newcomb



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