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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK and MIL won't understand why because she doesn't know.

I can see that. I have been to church only a few times with my FWH and each time I keep waiting for the Hand of God to come down and smite him.

No really, I understand, I feel like such a hypocrit, although HE's the one who should.

It's also very hard to go to the church we were married in. I look at the alter and remember the lies he told me there. It's all I can do to get through the service.

Can you feign illness?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

YEs, its early even for me. A cold has been threatening to take over my body and I'll be damned if I take off work in my 2nd week, so came on to google fastest cold remedies.
Also, I weighed myself last night after 2 weeks, and I gained a few more kgs. I am horror stricken. Of course that makes me want to eat more.

***
Lovinlife, its hard posting your story and seeing it out there reduced to a few lines that dont say much about the thrills and joy and pain and anguish that we experienced. But you did it.

Your positive outlook will hold you in good stead.So does your H now know what NC means? And what the consequences if he does break it again?

Its a long long road to recovery lovinlife, or as our NAS says,its Long Term Recovery. I look forward to getting to know you.

***
GTMI
My tolerance level for doing things to please everyone else but myself has lessened considerably.There are times I will admit, when I do do something that I dont want to, but its for the greater good.

Re. church. I totally understand your reluctance.You have 2 choices the way I see it. Either stand your ground and not go. Plead a headache or PMS or something. Its H's job to back you up on this.
OR you go, but use the time to reflect and find some peace, as opposed to actively praying, KWIM?

Its tough when we are backed into a corner due to other peoples actions.

***
Hey Ukg.

Coffee throwing is a art form in itself. Its not just flinging the contents, like how the amateurs do it.TSk tsk.Its all in the wrist.

Seriously though Ukg, from someone who is extremely talented at self flaggelation (sp?), please STOP. Look after yourself.

***
Hefty, sorry you are on a downer. Is there anything we can help with, or sameold sameold?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Done the gym. Couldnít be bothered and just messed about really.

LostH. Your reaction to overtly sexual women is understandable. They are confident and use their sexuality to get attention. You, on the other hand, have had that confidence knocked out of you (if you ever had it in the first place).The thing is, we can all be sexual in our own way, it doesnít have to be in the face, look at me type of thing. Women who ARE like that lack confidence in other areas. Predatory women tend to have fewer female friends, donít you think? So they are lacking in female empathy and see us a threat, but in a different way. That means itís not just you avoiding them, most women do b/c they have nothing to offer us. They represent a threat. Make sense?

Echinacea tabs and drink freshly squeezed orange juice every day. Thatís real oranges, not the bottle from the supermarket. Shame you donít drink, but the best hot toddy is hot water, juice of one lemon or lime, two tsps runny honey and a shot of whiskey or brandy. Youíll sleep like a baby and Iím sure the alcohol will be out of your system before you wake in the morning.
*****

Is a justifiable reason for staying in a marriage the following: because I like my life.

Shirley, Iíd say yes. I like mine too. My H likes his life (well, maybe not at the moment!). Weíve been together for 30+ years and have four children. We have a mortgage-free house. We have our own cars. We have no debts. We have nice holidays. We go out for meals if we like. We drink fine wine. I wouldnít say itís the only reason for staying, but if I was generally unhappy in other areas then the A would have been the last straw. As it is, the A has been, although catastrophic, the only thing to cause me unhappiness. I reckon if I can work on dealing with that, then our friendship, our intimacy, the M and our lifestyle is something worth striving for.
*****
Lostsuol. Not long now? Heíll be home soon, wonít he?
*****
Lovinlife. Wow. Looks like youíre on the right line with your approach. Think your attitude will let you give some sound advice around here. The LTA tribe is full of strong BSís.
*****
GTMI. Aaaawwww. Love Ďem. Just love those babies!
Concerning the going to church bit. Your faith is part and parcel of who you are. I have no doubt that a lot of your social life includes those in your church. But it is not necessary to attend church more often than you are comfortable with just to display that faith, you can attend to your faith at home too. There are times when people just donít want to surround themselves with others and simply want to be alone. You are not snubbing them or the church, you are just doing what is right for you. There are no laws on church attendance.
*****
Hi hefty, our main man! Donít worry love. Vent here as much as you like. Whatís going wrong and whatís going right with you two?

How can I not eat and put on a kg? Too much sitting around and lurking in SI!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry about spewing negativity last night. Just down as hell. WS has for two weeks I think gone NC but is always angry. I strive for one day of just "nice". When days suck I have nothing to think about but the A and it sucks.

I need to tie on my bootstraps and start doing more. I just do not know what to do? I am generally the work and stay at home dad.

You gals inspire me as I see you going and doing so much. I have not really focused on me for a long time. Sure I do some stuff but I do not feel it. I need to turn the page in my mind.


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only have a few seconds here.

Need to pose these Q to H.

Too inflamatory? OK, I know the first one is, that more of a "getting it off my chest" vent.

Why is it you could have sex with the low life POS tramp anytime, anywhere as often as you could, at least 3-4 times a month on average, with a couple pros thrown in for a little extra, over 7 years and you can't seem to get intimate with the woman you "love" more than once every 4-6 weeks and then 90% of the time at HER initiation?

Why when you do, is it necessary for you to get yourself "started"?

Why do you prefer solo sex when I'm asleep or your in the shower or away with your "buddies" over making love?

In the card yougave me, it says "it's not you, it's me", so please explain.


Of course we won't have a single private moment to discuss this.

Gotta run


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hefty, if sheís still angry donít rise to it. Is she still not taking responsibility for her choices? Sounds like it to me. And it doesnít sound like remorse,it sounds like the fog.

Take your bat and ball and walk away from her for a while. Do all the things that need doing. Talk to her on a superficial level if she canít talk without losing it. Just tell her youíre waiting. And youíll wait for as long as it takes. Hold the mirror up and let her rant at herself. Sometimes itís the doing nothing that has the desired effect. Hang on, isnít that called the 180??

Hugs to you.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy, Is he trying to punish you b/c he has had to change his way of life? It's the only way he can "get back" at you?

Just a thought.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hefty, yeah, the 180 is the only answer. Detach from her anger. It's not you. Not that you're not doing enough, maybe you're doing too much.

NC is a good thing, but I know, we all know, it takes a while for the WS to get past the "fix". Do not wallow yourself in her issues.

Yeah, look who's talking?

UK, I don't know. I really don't know and want to know.

I truly think it's that he's not sexually attracted to anyone who won't throw themselves at him or pretend he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. I mean if I'm not all over him, or whispering sexy stuff in his ear, or making overt advances on him, then he thinks I'm not interested? or that's the only way he can get excited now?

He certainly doesn't get that it makes me feel like one of his whores now. Or sets me up for rejection which is still devasating.

Coming out and asking him why he's not interested got me the 'what makes you think I'm not interested' question back. I won't play those games any more where I have to "explain" myself before he'll think of some "non-response" (P/A) response.

I walk away from our serious discussion thinking something's been said and realize later that nothing has been said or resolved. What's worse is, he thinks it has.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Make sense?

Yes it does Ukg.
I have never understood women who feel the need to walk around half naked, or to be in your face sexy. I find women who speak in those girlish squeaky voices (that makes you think of a 6 year old)annoying.
And heaven forbid its a mother! I am not saying that mothers, iro age, can not be sexy or feminine, but there is a definite difference betw sexy nice and sexy-eewh, KWIM?

I also think that these women have issues with self when they disrespect themselves like that. Gosh, am I coming across all prudish??

And dont even get me started on men who are such putty in these mens' hands!

I guess for me, I would want to be known or respected for me, not my body parts(even if I had a hot one!. When IC is ready, I am sure she will enlighten me.

Btw, she is not starting EMDT yet. She says I am not ready. She needs to build me up before subjecting me to that. Now that got me a little worried.

***
Shirley, i didnt respond to your question because I really cant relate.

When I decided to attempt R, the kids and I were leading separate lives from H, and had been doing so for a number of years. If we had D'd, the only difference would have been financial,which I guess is huge in itself. But that would have meant that I started work sooner and I am sure we would have managed.

Staying because you like your life is not a bad reason for now. It is still way early days. And I know its not just your life you are thinking about, but your girls as well. With the work that your h is doing on himself and with your family, maybe other reasons will be added on in time.
For now, I think your reason is pretty strong enough.

***
Hefty, back down. Give her space. Do less. Focus on you. Spend some time with your male buddies. Take your DD to the park for a picnic. Carry on with YOUR life. Let WW be for now. She needs to get through this detox by herself.

****
Weepy, yes it is imflammatory but you know that already.
What do you hope to achieve with these questions?
Do you think that H is going to answer them, or if he even knows the answers for himself?

Weepy, I know you didnt ask, but I will say it anyway, because i care for you.
Stop.
You go through this cycle every now and then, and you only end up more hurt and in pain, and your H ends up more resentful and angry.

I mean if I'm not all over him, or whispering sexy stuff in his ear, or making overt advances on him, then he thinks I'm not interested?

Weepy, I am asking this nicely. Whats wrong with doing this? With you he knows its real. With his whores, no matter what, he knew that they were doing their job. You just cant compare the two.
Maybe at his age, he needs the foreplay even more than before?

However, I am not excusing the times when he has outright rejected you. Thats what you should call him on, IMHO.

In that case,its you are damned if you do and damned if you dont.

BUT Weepy, what happened from last week that sent you down this road again?
You were doing so well, and he was responding quite well to you too.
What happened Friend?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was him going away for 4 days, no goodbye sex before, no welcome home sex after, sleeping on the couch, making fun of my feelings. And I'm positive he was whacking off up at the mountains. I KNOW the buddy brought porn, he told me and he told H.

Look, even if I make the overt, even send him "meet me in the bedroom" texts, he just ignores or jokes them away.

AS I said, I know he loves me. But it FEELS like before... he loves me, but just not "that way". Can't deal with that. Can't live with that again. Don't want that to be my future.

Seriously, if I don't get some attention from him soon...


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seriously, if I don't get some attention from him soon...

Weepy, have you two discussed what each of you desires from the other? Have you actually asked him what he would like from you? You have to listen, not but in and absolutely must not get upset or angry. And he has to do the same. You are then in a position to start negotiating and compromising. But I would say to stay away from trying to initiate sex until you can get to the root of the problem.

Is he weaning himself away from all sex, clearing the decks as it were, before starting again? Does he feel he was treating you like a whore when he had sex with you? Does he view sex as something ďdirtyĒ and would be tainting you with ďdirtĒ?

Do you touch much? By that I mean hold hands when youíre out, kiss hello and goodbye, encouraging touches on the arms or face when things are down, hug each other when the team has won/a little lottery win/as thank you for a little gift or good turn done?
Do you share the bathroom space when bathing?
Do you go to bed at the same time?
Do you eat together?
Do you have time when all screens are off?
Do you garden together?
Do you share activities?

These are the sort of intimacies that do not relate to sex, but they do relate to couple bonding.

If, however, he is using the withdrawal of sexual intimacy with you to try to get some control in the relationship, he is going about it in the wrong way. Itís guaranteed to sabotage reconciliation. And if he feels threatened by sexual intimacy with you, he needs help from a specialist counsellor.

I donít know what else to offer you, weepy. Sorry.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow lots of questions...

Is he weaning himself away from all sex, clearing the decks as it were, before starting again?

He says that's what the 2 years between ending the affairs and becoming intimate with me again was about.

Does he feel he was treating you like a whore when he had sex with you? Does he view sex as something ďdirtyĒ and would be tainting you with ďdirtĒ?

Haven't got a clue. I'd be assuming if I answered.

Do you touch much? By that I mean hold hands when youíre out, kiss hello and goodbye, encouraging touches on the arms or face when things are down, hug each other when the team has won/a little lottery win/as thank you for a little gift or good turn done?

Yes. There are non-sexual touches through out most days.

Do you share the bathroom space when bathing?

He's suddenly become uncomfortable with this... fueling my suspicion that he's using the bathroom as his sexual refuge.

Do you go to bed at the same time?

If it's not 9 PM. After Dday we were no matter what time it was. But if he goes to bed, it's because he's tired and he intends to sleep (his words).

Do you eat together?

Always unless he's going to be very late getting home (like when he picked up DS last night)

Do you have time when all screens are off?

Nope, unless we're in the car and then he insists on talk radio on.

Do you garden together?
Do you share activities?

We've tried. Everything is a competition. One of us has to have control or win. Even when I go into a situation telling myself "do everything his way" he seems to provoke dissention.

His idea of my "help" when he's working on a project is to stand there.

If I'm working on something, he comes in and tells me how to do it better, faster. If I ask him to help me, he questions what I'm doing, how I'm doing it and takes over. I landscaped our entire house 4 years ago. I took the horticulture course, I bought the plants, I dug the holes, fertiized, mulched, pruned. Suddenly this year, he insisted I cut back my beautiful crepe myrtle because he didn't like how tall it was getting... uh, that's the idea when things grow... But I did it because I wanted him to feel he had a "voice" in all things.

I kiss him everytime I leave the house and when I come home. He doesn't unless he's going to work or going to be out for hours.... doesn't see the point.

We did the His Needs Her Needs questionnaire early in R. He said he'd be happy with sex once a month and I wanted it twice a week. But that was while he couldn't figure out why I wanted to even be near him and he didn't want to "pressure" me to do something that was causing me discomfort.

I am asking this nicely. Whats wrong with doing this? With you he knows its real. With his whores, no matter what, he knew that they were doing their job.

And the girlfriend? She was real too.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know some of you are frustrated because your H's aren't as remorseful as they could be. Well, just so you know, I am frustrated because he IS so remorseful. Part of me wants him to keep being an asshole so it would be easier just to throw him out and end it all.

I loooovvve driving waaaaay too fast.

I have it pretty good and I really don't want that to change. Sounds spoiled and selfish but I feel that way. I can see if my H wasn't remorseful or was still fucking around how it would be different but is it just completely shallow to want this to stay the way it is? And, not just for the kids, but for me?

Story of my life!


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GTMI, congrats on the grandbaby!

((weepy)), I don't get much in that dept. either at present. We did the whole HB thing roughly 3 mos. after Dday, got into a somewhat reg. pattern for awhile after that, and for the past few months, nada. The couple of times before that wound up with me a sobbing disaster. The whole time the only thing I could think of was him doing all the same things to *willnot* (love that, BTW) no matter how hard I tried to blow those thoughts out of my brain. Funny, I would've thought that would've been more of an issue earlier on rather than a year later. I wish I had some sage advice for you.

((hefty))

[This message edited by Steelergal at 11:28 AM, March 8th (Saturday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so I want to put a question out there to the men, but I'm embarrassed and I'm not too sure any of them would actually answer

Men: Putting illness or physical problems aside. How long can/do you actually go between sexual release of some sort?

If your partner is willing and has expressed frustration or a need for more sexual contact, what would be the reason you would avoid that at all costs in favor of private release?

Does it indicate that there is a problem in your sexual relationship with your partner?

Does it ever indicate a "control" issue. Especially if you know she's always had the higher sex drive? (I'm thinking on the lines of those "women" who hold out as a means of gaining power in a relationship.)

Would you not "give it up" to punish your partner?

Anybody want to take this on?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
heftysmurf
♂ Member
Member # 17080
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am giving space. She is just so angry constantly. I have been sad but soaking it up and trying to be happy in the now. I am gaining a newfound appreciation for DD. She is so you you learning new things.

The anger just drives me nuts. Before d-day I bought some St Johns Wort and said "What the hell is a matter with you". I did not take it till D-Day.

The anger etc is hard to deal with but I am doing my best. Some anger today at me but I am still allowing myself to be happy.

I wish we could have a day where she was just super nice to me. And like you all I miss HB! I do not even think it is about the act. It is the whole reclaiming my territory and bounding thing. The mind movies while doing it oh so suck! I have gotten good at pushing them out (for now).

Snowy day in the northeast. Looks like I am homebound.

I miss you all and thanks for EVERYTHING. You are all so strong!

(((LTA Tribe)))


BH-Me- 34 WW-Her- 29
D-Day- 11-04-07
M 6 years Together 12 years
2 YR DD WOW I love her!
LTA 6 YEARS - stolen time
Limbo. Praying for DD and our M.
In ridiculous pain. Amazed I can stand.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: New York
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl, Great song (Fallen) and definitely WS. Loved the video too, the water imagery was effective.
GTMI - Congratulations on your good news. From someone who just became a grandmom, let me tell you you are in for some of the best times of your life. I babysat last night and just holding him and having him snuggle and coo is the most therapeutic way to spend an evening. You're gonna love it!!!
As for the MIL and her wanting you to go to church, well I just don't see why she should even think that that's her place. I had very interfering in-laws, people who don't understand the concept of boundaries. This is a boundary issue IMO, and I would not hesitate to let her know (nicely, if you must) that she is out of line here. Since d-day, I do only those things I want to where my in-laws are concerned. I told my H immediately after that his A had set me free in this area. I won't even answer the phone (thank God for caller ID) if I don't want to. I do nothing that I don't want to where they are concerned. To me, it's one more price that he has to pay for his LTA.
Hefty - good to see you again but I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'm glad you came back for some support and hugs.
HS - I'm with UKG and Steelergal on this. I loved my lifestyle prior to d-day and it was definitely a motivating factor in staying and trying to R. Of course, this would not have been an option if my H had not shown remorse and worked on our M, agreed on C'ing, etc. But 2 years out and I can honestly say I have not (so far) regretted my decision.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,
It sounds as though he he doesnít want to see ďher needsĒ and only wants ďhis needsĒ. Makes him pretty damn selfish imho. You cannot be the one to be doing all of the compromising Ė otherwise it ainít compromising!

Donít make everything into a competition. Just say ďthis is the way I like to do it, so if I need or want advice from you, Iíll ask for itĒ. And then ask yourself (or him) if this will matter next year? No? drop it then.

If he wants to opine about the garden after you have done all the designing, laying out, planning and planting, then heís entitled to his view, but thatís all. Listen to his pov, but listening doesnít mean you have to do anything about it.

fueling my suspicion that he's using the bathroom as his sexual refuge.

Have you asked him? Is there some other reason (Iím thinking medical here) why youíre not allowed in? In fact, when was the last time you saw him naked? Is there something going on here perhaps the doctor should know about?

You clearly need some answers. And some walls down that heís put up.

Would you like me to put your Qís to my FWH? May not be of much help tho as our sitch is so diff to yours, but Iíll ask if you like.

Check in on you later. Hugs hon. (((((weepy)))))

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:05 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I tried to send you a PM and the damn computer shut down - lousy weather today, eh? So, I'll give it another try when the lightening and thunder stop interfering.
Let me just say that it sounds like you and Mr. Weepy might benefit with a good sex therapist. I think, considering the struggling you're experiencing, that this might be where you need to be more than the MC'ing, who doesn't seem to be making much headway in this area. Am I right to assume this?
This is such an area of frustration that it seems to be blocking other progress in your M.
Also, I hope some of the guys on here can offer you some help. C'mon guys, Weepy needs you.
(((Weepy)))

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 12:09 PM, March 8th (Saturday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi and hugs to all. Too many posts to respond to as usual--much wisdom and hurt and support!

I know some of you are frustrated because your H's aren't as remorseful as they could be. Well, just so you know, I am frustrated because he IS so remorseful.

I can relate to that as well--and H is doing a lot, it's just not enough to make me feel I'm "enough", if you know what I mean. We're talking about that in IC--part of me knows that I was enough, I am enough, will be enough--but I really felt it before and now I've had the rug pulled out from me, I don't, no matter what H says and does.

And our modus operandi pre-infidelity wasn't real romantic or fuzzy--the foundation of love and trust was just there, without a lot of overt stuff. Now that that's been destroyed, I need some different kind of evidence besides remorsefulness to get back that solid feeling I just "had" before--or thought I did. Make sense?

The sex stuff--we had HB for awhile, but now H is facing all the fallout and is more depressed and bleak about things, and it comes out in severe sexual slumps--and it'll be weeks and weeks sometimes, with some initiating from me and when he just isn't into it, the experience of rejection for me. Sucks. But it isn't a control issue for H I don't think, thank god.

UKgirl, I like your list for couple bonding--we do most of that, so you gave me some rays of hope!

GTMI, congrats on becoming a grandma--I'm patiently waiting here for that--want one for us in our family, OC baby doesn't count!!

Welcome lovinlife--you have such a good outlook already!

Shirley, can I relate to you feeling of staying cuz you like your life! As you said, if H is remorseful and doing some of the right things, it's a good reason to keep slogging on for me too--so much of my life is good and easy right now, moved to a place I love, love our house, nice to relate to the kids as the usual parental couple (which may change after they find out about OC, but I'll cross that bridge...), financially okay and intertwined in a way that I can't imagine changing unless there's a really good reason, cars paid off, someone to just live with congenially a lot of the time (this of course is almost 3 years after d-day with a lot of work and angst and tears to make it as congenial as it is), etc. etc. So I too think it's a good reason to stay--after all, the life I like does include WS in it as part of the good, at least part of the time

Then there's the other part which still has me fantasizing about taking a baseball bat to him!


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