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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And the difference between now and then, is ME.


And, I like UKgirls idea.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 11th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all,
It's been awhile that I've written.
Sorry to hear that there is so much struggle going on in everyones life.
It kinda scares me... I guess because right here, right now, in my life, I am happy. Will it last??? Who knows, but R is going well and my H has been wonderful. We are going camping in our 5th wheel this weekend, and I can't wait.
My son has just closed on his 1st house this past Monday and WS and I have been helping to clean and prepare to paint. Everyday things.... I have missed them.
You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

P.S. I WILL be busy "shagging" this weekend...


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning everyone on this rainy, cold and windy day. Only thing to do is to don the robe and slop around in the spa!

Good for you lovinlife! So pleased your R is going so well. Can I pinch some of your positive vibes?

LostH, if your mum knows her H then thereís one barrier in place. And your H knows you trust him about as far as you could chuck him, so that should be another. He might have just been winding you up. Idiot. (that's him, not you!)

And the difference between now and then, is ME.

Yep. But I need it to be the me I want to be. And the difference for him; then he was a shit but I didnít know it, whereas now I do.

The Case Against Divorce has just thumped on my doormat. Yesterday it was Not Just Friends. Iíll have more selection on relationships than Waterstones soon. FWH saw the orders in the inbox. He asked and I just looked at him. If heís worried, he can always look them up on Amazon.

Iím not sure how Iím going to go about this removing myself from him emotionally so I can sort my head out and decide what I want. He seems to think that eventually things will work themselves out if we (he) give it enough time. And that sex is all part of the healing process because itís his way of demonstrating his feelings for me. He shouldnít say that. He really shouldnít. Sex with OW meant nothing other than being a ploy to keep her away and yet sex with me is reaffirming his love. Heíll never understand that I see it differently. Maybe in his head sex is the answer to everything. Just that. Sex = The Answer. Iím mind doodling.

Heís gone off to the offices that mean driving past her place. The motorway route is two sides of the square, the pretty route past her place is the other two sides. The motorway interchange is the holdup area. I guess if his A was still going on, heíd drop by hers for a cuppa and a shag and wait for the congestion to ease. Now he has to sit in it.

And Iíve managed to remove his details from Friends Reunited! Yessss!! Hurrah!! Thereís one in the eye for her! Now, do I bother to tell him, or not? His email address was the company he used to work for who took him to court after breaking his contract. I wonder if anyone there found out Ö..?

ETA. Clarity. I think.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:51 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKGirl,

You can pinch all the "posistive" vibes you need. I hope that you have a peaceful weekend and that your H starts to help in your healing. Is he in MC? My WS didn't want to go but now is glad that he has. Even he is learning more about hisself and why he does the things he does.

Please do something fun for yourself, it is SOOOOOO important to take care of you, cause no one else will!! Once I put myself first, WS suddenly came to attention... perhaps he realized that I didn't need him. I love him and want to grow old with him, but I don't need him.

Be strong, be happy.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excuse me, but do we have "happy ending" massages here at this spa?

By H's standards, I have all the justification I need to go ahead and find myself someone to have sex with.

He's denying me. Says he's no longer interested, has other more important things on his mind (sorry fnf) and sex is just not a priority any more, with himself, with me, with anyone.

So,off to the gym for a major workout and the diet starts NOW. If I could afford it, I'd do the OW diet, Cocaine and vodka. BEt I could get a skinny little ass after a few months of that!

Guess it's a good thing I have IC tonight.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what to write here, i am so ashamed and humiliated. My life has been a complete and uter waste. I loved someone with all i have and that was utterly worthless. I feel utterly worthless. I don't know what to do i don't know which way to turn i don't know if i can ever come back from this. He told me that until now he had never been truly attracted to me physically or rather sexually. I had felt this over the years ( he let me know this ,very subtly but he let me know) , but i denied it i guess

My breasts were the wrong shape, my emerg c-section scar was ugly as was my not flat anymore stomach, apparently i didn't even have the right amount of pubic hair and this was even before he cheated got worse since OW apparently had everything i didn't says shrink agrees he was justifying not only what he did but what he knew he would do and what he wanted to do but god my god what can i see when i lokk at myself in the mirror now says hes so head over heels in love wiyth me wants nothing more than me for the rest of his life i know hes scared to lose me but i dont know why, he cant possibly go from being repulsed to can't keep his hands off me and that is the way it's been since we started this 2 yrs ago i think he cant possibly be real about that i think its just that i have been stroking his ego like OW did and now its suddenly me he loves i think he would still love anybody that stroked his ego jesus i wish i could just dissappear i dont know what to do what to think what to feel it just hurts so goddamn much


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy - I can't believe he said this to you. (Don't worry about me triggering and thank you for remembering - that means a lot.) I really do believe he needs sex counselling. He is too young to feel this way and I can't help but believe it has to do with negative associations and feelings of shame because of his history. I wonder if he ever discusses this with his IC. And it is so absolutely unfair to you. He knows how much this means to you, he seems to want to save the M, but he must realize that something as huge as sexual intimacy in M cannot be shut down if you hope to R. What does your MC say about his?
When my H said this to me years ago I am only sorry that I accepted that and didn't pursue this at that time. It might have saved me a lot of pain. Pursue this. Push this and whatever you do, don't accept this. It is so unfair to you and your M.
(((Weepy)))
MIG - Men can say the cruelist things and later, when they renege, they can't understand why we don't get over it. It makes me want to borrow UKG's baseball bat for you. My H said many painful things to me when he was in his A and I cried every day over them for months. It took him showing me constantly that he didn't mean them before I could let it go. I force myself not to think of those things if they do come back and fortunately I've been pretty successful. I keep telling myself that I have to focus on what he is doing NOW and forget the things he said and did in order for him to justify to himself his A. So if this helps, try to accept that he now is truly remorseful and needed to lie to himself in order to pursue his A.
shrink agrees he was justifying not only what he did but what he knew he would do and what he wanted to do

I totally agree with this. The trouble of course is how this leaves you, and many of us here, feeling about ourselves. For me, C'ing and looking at my H and acknowledging that he was the most selfish of bastards helped me to acknowledge that everything he said was bullshit in order for him to get fucked outside the M. One of my mantras since d-day has been, Love Yourself. Nurture Yourself. Believe in Yourself. I do these things for myself and it is very healing. (((MIG)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart - I'll pass on your health tips to my son. He hasn't figured out what remedies are best that are offered over there and doesn't have the time to go to the doctor's to get a prescription. Thanks for the advice. FNF aka MG


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sorry fnf but he felt that way before he was cheating and his last affair ended in 94 (as far as i know) so this is no fog talk , no this stuff is part of his latest confession that means he felt that way for over 25 years god how could he not tell me that if he felt that way i deserved to hold on to my dignity , well of course i know why he didn't leave he couldn't find anyone he wanted to leave with and when he finally did she dumped him before he had the chance and then after that he spent all his energy trying to find a replacement that never came along, and kept me in the meantime at least he didnt have to be alone while he looked for ms perfect, and i suppose when he got really desperate he could stomach actually having sex with me . i cant believe i wasted everything i had everything i was for such a thing that clls himself a man


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Itís by default, not by him making a proper f*cking DECISION!!!! I made it for him.

I feel this way right now too!! I discovered the A and "made him" end it. I discovered the broken NC and "made him" agree to go NC again. I don't know if he really agreed to any of this, or was just gaslighting so I wouldn't kick him out.

Now he could be so far underground I'll never really know.

I love him and want to grow old with him, but I don't need him.

Lovinlife - There is so much struggling going on here lately, it is good to hear there can be a happy ending. I am going to keep this quote handy to remind myself of this. I do love him, but I have found I could live without him. Don't want to, but can.

Weepy, UKGirl, MIG, Hefty, HurtS and anyone else I missed.((((())))) Lovinlife, FNF, please keep posting, we need positive vibes to make the journey up this rollercoaster.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, mig. Gentle velvet covered 2x4ís coming your way.

No, no, no, no and again NO. Stop this right now. This is nothing to do with the beautiful person that you are and always have been. This is ALL to do with him.

He told me that until now he had never been truly attracted to me physically or rather sexually.

Do NOT dwell on how he view you physically either then or now. That statement did NOT need to be voiced, it would have stayed better and more true if it had stayed inside his head. He has said those things because of what he was doing, it was a reflection, a mirror. He hated himself, so he tried to ďjustifyĒ what he was doing, and it becomes so very clear when you read the books and the articles in the healing library. All WSís can be found there. This is not about you. Your c-scars, stretch marks and other left over signs of pregnancy and childbirth are a testament to your motherhood. Donít hate them.

Please make this more about you than him. I know I canít preach when Iíve done the same. Self flagellation is unnecessary and unwarranted. It will not help you heal or boost your self esteem. Start with baby steps. Look after yourself. Look after your appearance. Treat yourself in little ways. Hold your head up and it will make a difference to your carriage. You will appear more confident and then you will feel more confident.

The only thing you should be doing for him is to encourage his therapy. He has many miles to travel and it will be easier with someone by his side.


he looked for ms perfect,

He was never going to find it, b/c he already had it. And. The reason he kept on treating you like that was guilt. Keeping it all inside. Couldnít do it forever.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, just wanted to help mig up off the floor first.

I have all the justification I need to go ahead and find myself someone to have sex with.

You know that. I hope you said ďI knowĒ. There are lines that come to mind (boring I know, Mrs Canít-forget-a-f*cking-thing)
ďThere is a beautiful futility in looking at you / and I wonít take away your every glance / And I wonít chastise nor berate you / For falling into the same honey-sweet trap.Ē
Those lines were for me. He was (almost) wanting me to have an A. Justification? Maybe. To experience the same emotions? Perhaps. But I know that I am monogamous. And he probably realised that I would end it with him before moving on. That would be the act of a decent person. He was not being decent with me.

A little part of him wants you to do it. Understandable? Definitely.

And maybe the celibacy is sexual shut-down. But I still think he should talk to a sex therapist about it.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh UK, i just don't know anymore, i don't know why i'm here , i don't know why or how i could love someone who has all the emotional depth of a 12 yr old.He really is emotionally retarded. He has said things to me in the calmest of tones that you or i would never say to another human being even if a gun were put to our heads. Intelectually i do understand about his own sense of inadequacy and justifying but as a woman, well, i did "know" he felt that way over the years but denied it but now that i'm out of my stupidinduced coma i realize that i have absorbed all of that , i have felt less than for a long time and now i wonder if that's why i took all that disrespect and other crap. BTW, he told OW those things about me , and yeah Weepy, that she was the best he ever had.
Strangely though he has always been terribly jealous of me, he has always made a point of not telling me if someone paid me a compliment to him. We moved recently and all the new guys at the office keep asking him how he got so lucky, i'm saying this for a reason, one of them stopped by a couple of weeks ago and H was put out, said the guy was after me. WTF? He was acting so weird, tryed to keep the guy in the entryway so he wouldn't see me. Was all ticked off and pouty afterward. I don't get it. This from the guy who for 25 yrs acted as if i was an old shoe no matter who was around. What's up with this? For the record i'm 46, 5'4, 115-120 (maybe more now, i just ate a huge bag of m&m's ) blond hair blue eyes, reasonably attractive, though apparently only with my clothes on, like a lot of you all though i seem to have aged 10 yrs in the last 2. I really don't know what to do but i know now i have to do something, so i'll start with your 2x4 UK and one OTC gave me a while back , i am going to find myself an IC and i am going to give him the biggest fuck-you he's ever had. That sounds more brave than desperate which is what i really am because this is the bottom and i know if i don't fight for me now i would allow him to swallow me up. Thankyou UK


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MIG:

The first time I went to my IC she said that she would help me to try to understand my husband if I wanted, but what she wanted to do was help me to understand why I stayed in such an unfulfilling marriage for so long. At the end of the first session she told me that from her point of view the important question was not why he did what he did, but why I did/didn't do the things I did. Especially why I didn't stand up for myself.

It sounds like you need to ask yourself that question, too. Finding the answers to it was the beginning of real healing for me.

Get yourself an IC. It really is key.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mig, have you thought about him as being emotionally autistic? Or even having a touch of Tourettes? Or obsessively jealous and possessive? Or all of those?? Or maybe just controlling to make himself look better in his own eyes.

But your number one priority should still be YOU. BT's right (you know she is!) IC, IC, IC until you do see.
Head up, chin out, shoulders back, hands on hips, spit on the floor and say ďfuck ĎemĒ.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT yes i know you're right and i think i have known what i have to do for a long time, i suppose i wanted and have been waiting for a reason , a little hope for us to take along with me but it's just not there. How stupid of me . That gaunt looking woman who stares back at me from the mirror is all the reason i really have or need.


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK ,

Mig, have you thought about him as being emotionally autistic? Or even having a touch of Tourettes? Or obsessively jealous and possessive? Or all of those?? Or maybe just controlling to make himself look better in his own eyes.

Emotionally autistic? I have thought of this and other things like it, am still waiting to see what his IC comes up with. The jealousy has never been obsessive or posessive, in fact it's always been something he tried to hide and did for the most part, now he's almost a bit paranoid, ie: i have classy rather than trashy taste in clothes but now if i have even the tiniest hint of cleavage he fidgets and frets, whereas before if he did notice he would be careful not to let it show. Just strange.

Or maybe just controlling to make himself look better in his own eyes.

this part is a definite though.
I know BTs right and so are you , LOL, I just spit on the floor and cursed , a LOT! Seriously though, i can't say how much all of ya'lls encouragement means to me. I don't think i can fail with you all here behind me. Hey i already learned something new about me, i can spit!


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heís off!! No more Friends Reunited!! I got the email of confirmation and just checked it and heís GONE. All on her little lonesome again. Aaaawwww. Donícha feel soooo sorry for her? NOT. And I havenít told him. LMHO. (Silly school girl giggling!)

My smile moment!

ETA, mig. Swearin' and spittin'. Bring it on!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:44 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
mindisgone
♀ Member
Member # 17772
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heís off!! No more Friends Reunited!!

Yay UK !!! I just spit a big one for ya !


too long a sacrifice can make a stone of the heart..

Posts: 678 | Registered: Jan 2008
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<stomps into room, swears and spits, swears again!>


"Donícha feel soooo sorry for her? NOT."


UKgirl - when is your H going to learn that he shouldn't be fucking with someone who is clearly a LOT smarter than he is.

MIG - BT nailed it...

At the end of the first session she told me that from her point of view the important question was not why he did what he did, but why I did/didn't do the things I did. Especially why I didn't stand up for myself.

Both my IC and our MC (and about 99% of the members of the tribe) have asked me this question. This is what we need to work on.

Just my two cents, I think your H is afraid of you and your sexuality. That is why he acts jealous but puts you down. He is trying to discourage you from your own sexuality. If it were me, I would dress sexier FOR MYSELF and allow myself to feel good about how I look. If he doesn't like it FUCK HIM. <Spits and stomps back out of the room>

Ed: forgot the quotey thing again.

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 1:52 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
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