And the difference between now and then, is ME.
And, I like UKgirls idea.
P.S. I WILL be busy "shagging" this weekend...
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Good for you lovinlife! So pleased your R is going so well. Can I pinch some of your positive vibes?
LostH, if your mum knows her H then thereís one barrier in place. And your H knows you trust him about as far as you could chuck him, so that should be another. He might have just been winding you up. Idiot. (that's him, not you!)
And the difference between now and then, is ME.
The Case Against Divorce has just thumped on my doormat. Yesterday it was Not Just Friends. Iíll have more selection on relationships than Waterstones soon. FWH saw the orders in the inbox. He asked and I just looked at him. If heís worried, he can always look them up on Amazon.
Iím not sure how Iím going to go about this removing myself from him emotionally so I can sort my head out and decide what I want. He seems to think that eventually things will work themselves out if we (he) give it enough time. And that sex is all part of the healing process because itís his way of demonstrating his feelings for me. He shouldnít say that. He really shouldnít. Sex with OW meant nothing other than being a ploy to keep her away and yet sex with me is reaffirming his love. Heíll never understand that I see it differently. Maybe in his head sex is the answer to everything. Just that. Sex = The Answer. Iím mind doodling.
Heís gone off to the offices that mean driving past her place. The motorway route is two sides of the square, the pretty route past her place is the other two sides. The motorway interchange is the holdup area. I guess if his A was still going on, heíd drop by hers for a cuppa and a shag and wait for the congestion to ease. Now he has to sit in it.
And Iíve managed to remove his details from Friends Reunited! Yessss!! Hurrah!! Thereís one in the eye for her! Now, do I bother to tell him, or not? His email address was the company he used to work for who took him to court after breaking his contract. I wonder if anyone there found out Ö..?
ETA. Clarity. I think.
[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:51 AM, March 12th (Wednesday)]
Please do something fun for yourself, it is SOOOOOO important to take care of you, cause no one else will!! Once I put myself first, WS suddenly came to attention... perhaps he realized that I didn't need him. I love him and want to grow old with him, but I don't need him.
Be strong, be happy.
By H's standards, I have all the justification I need to go ahead and find myself someone to have sex with.
He's denying me. Says he's no longer interested, has other more important things on his mind (sorry fnf) and sex is just not a priority any more, with himself, with me, with anyone.
So,off to the gym for a major workout and the diet starts NOW. If I could afford it, I'd do the OW diet, Cocaine and vodka. BEt I could get a skinny little ass after a few months of that!
Guess it's a good thing I have IC tonight.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
My breasts were the wrong shape, my emerg c-section scar was ugly as was my not flat anymore stomach, apparently i didn't even have the right amount of pubic hair and this was even before he cheated got worse since OW apparently had everything i didn't says shrink agrees he was justifying not only what he did but what he knew he would do and what he wanted to do but god my god what can i see when i lokk at myself in the mirror now says hes so head over heels in love wiyth me wants nothing more than me for the rest of his life i know hes scared to lose me but i dont know why, he cant possibly go from being repulsed to can't keep his hands off me and that is the way it's been since we started this 2 yrs ago i think he cant possibly be real about that i think its just that i have been stroking his ego like OW did and now its suddenly me he loves i think he would still love anybody that stroked his ego jesus i wish i could just dissappear i dont know what to do what to think what to feel it just hurts so goddamn much
shrink agrees he was justifying not only what he did but what he knew he would do and what he wanted to do
Itís by default, not by him making a proper f*cking DECISION!!!! I made it for him.
I feel this way right now too!! I discovered the A and "made him" end it. I discovered the broken NC and "made him" agree to go NC again. I don't know if he really agreed to any of this, or was just gaslighting so I wouldn't kick him out.
Now he could be so far underground I'll never really know.
I love him and want to grow old with him, but I don't need him.
Lovinlife - There is so much struggling going on here lately, it is good to hear there can be a happy ending. I am going to keep this quote handy to remind myself of this. I do love him, but I have found I could live without him. Don't want to, but can.
Weepy, UKGirl, MIG, Hefty, HurtS and anyone else I missed.((((())))) Lovinlife, FNF, please keep posting, we need positive vibes to make the journey up this rollercoaster.
No, no, no, no and again NO. Stop this right now. This is nothing to do with the beautiful person that you are and always have been. This is ALL to do with him.
He told me that until now he had never been truly attracted to me physically or rather sexually.
Do NOT dwell on how he view you physically either then or now. That statement did NOT need to be voiced, it would have stayed better and more true if it had stayed inside his head. He has said those things because of what he was doing, it was a reflection, a mirror. He hated himself, so he tried to ďjustifyĒ what he was doing, and it becomes so very clear when you read the books and the articles in the healing library. All WSís can be found there. This is not about you. Your c-scars, stretch marks and other left over signs of pregnancy and childbirth are a testament to your motherhood. Donít hate them.
Please make this more about you than him. I know I canít preach when Iíve done the same. Self flagellation is unnecessary and unwarranted. It will not help you heal or boost your self esteem. Start with baby steps. Look after yourself. Look after your appearance. Treat yourself in little ways. Hold your head up and it will make a difference to your carriage. You will appear more confident and then you will feel more confident.
The only thing you should be doing for him is to encourage his therapy. He has many miles to travel and it will be easier with someone by his side.
he looked for ms perfect,
He was never going to find it, b/c he already had it. And. The reason he kept on treating you like that was guilt. Keeping it all inside. Couldnít do it forever.
I have all the justification I need to go ahead and find myself someone to have sex with.
You know that. I hope you said ďI knowĒ. There are lines that come to mind (boring I know, Mrs Canít-forget-a-f*cking-thing)
ďThere is a beautiful futility in looking at you / and I wonít take away your every glance / And I wonít chastise nor berate you / For falling into the same honey-sweet trap.Ē
Those lines were for me. He was (almost) wanting me to have an A. Justification? Maybe. To experience the same emotions? Perhaps. But I know that I am monogamous. And he probably realised that I would end it with him before moving on. That would be the act of a decent person. He was not being decent with me.
A little part of him wants you to do it. Understandable? Definitely.
And maybe the celibacy is sexual shut-down. But I still think he should talk to a sex therapist about it.
The first time I went to my IC she said that she would help me to try to understand my husband if I wanted, but what she wanted to do was help me to understand why I stayed in such an unfulfilling marriage for so long. At the end of the first session she told me that from her point of view the important question was not why he did what he did, but why I did/didn't do the things I did. Especially why I didn't stand up for myself.
It sounds like you need to ask yourself that question, too. Finding the answers to it was the beginning of real healing for me.
Get yourself an IC. It really is key.
But your number one priority should still be YOU. BT's right (you know she is!) IC, IC, IC until you do see.
Head up, chin out, shoulders back, hands on hips, spit on the floor and say ďfuck ĎemĒ.
Mig, have you thought about him as being emotionally autistic? Or even having a touch of Tourettes? Or obsessively jealous and possessive? Or all of those?? Or maybe just controlling to make himself look better in his own eyes.
Emotionally autistic? I have thought of this and other things like it, am still waiting to see what his IC comes up with. The jealousy has never been obsessive or posessive, in fact it's always been something he tried to hide and did for the most part, now he's almost a bit paranoid, ie: i have classy rather than trashy taste in clothes but now if i have even the tiniest hint of cleavage he fidgets and frets, whereas before if he did notice he would be careful not to let it show. Just strange.
Or maybe just controlling to make himself look better in his own eyes.
My smile moment!
ETA, mig. Swearin' and spittin'. Bring it on!
[This message edited by UKgirl at 12:44 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]
Heís off!! No more Friends Reunited!!
Yay UK !!! I just spit a big one for ya !
"Donícha feel soooo sorry for her? NOT."
UKgirl - when is your H going to learn that he shouldn't be fucking with someone who is clearly a LOT smarter than he is.
MIG - BT nailed it...
At the end of the first session she told me that from her point of view the important question was not why he did what he did, but why I did/didn't do the things I did. Especially why I didn't stand up for myself.
Both my IC and our MC (and about 99% of the members of the tribe) have asked me this question. This is what we need to work on.
Just my two cents, I think your H is afraid of you and your sexuality. That is why he acts jealous but puts you down. He is trying to discourage you from your own sexuality. If it were me, I would dress sexier FOR MYSELF and allow myself to feel good about how I look. If he doesn't like it FUCK HIM. <Spits and stomps back out of the room>
Ed: forgot the quotey thing again.
[This message edited by hurtshirley at 1:52 PM, March 12th (Wednesday)]