I AM SO ANGRY at your excuse of a husband!!!
A cold is a minor inconveniece, it isn't life threatening. Your fear and worry about your health is and should be his #1 priority.
If he doesn't know what to say or do, he could at least hold you and just be in the moment with you.
I am not usually a cussing woman, but he makes me want to say F%^K you!!!
We are here for you.... but so should he be...
I am so sorry
I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!
Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27
Yesterday he called to tell me that he has to go to a training session Wed, Thurs and Friday this week. And that they're late nights involved too.
As you all know I have an MRI scheduled for Weds pm. Specifically set it up for a time when H could take me. I wanted him there.
So our conversation goes like this "So, should I find someone else to take me to my MRI appt?"
"When is it?"
"Weds at 6:45. Do you think you'll be home or should I arrange for someone else to take me?"
"You better arrange someone else.... there's nothing I can do about this you know."
"Yeah" (and I'm starting to choke up. Voice cracking)
"OK, so now I'm the bad guy. Now I'm going to hear about how I was never there for you. I'm going to hear about this for the rest of my life too."
(trying hard not to cry now) "Don't worry about it. I'll get someone else. I'll take care of it. I'll handle it. I know you can't change this schedule. You do what you have to do. But I am disappointed. I'm allowed to be disappointed aren't I?"
"There's nothing I can do about this. I really can't".
Do you know how many times I had work things to do, REQUIRED work things to do and I left because of some health crisis of his? I know he has no seniority at this place, the job is one week old. But I also know that it would be the same if he had been there a year or 10 years.
TG my SIL is available. She's the only other person I would call to be with me.
I know the tests are no where near as scary as what you're going through. And I think I would be acting differently if that were the case. I would ask him to do specific things and let him be the one to say "I can't".
I don't know if I would have woken him up or just turned over in frustration and anger.
H is also being sent to Princeton today. He doesn't want to go, it's a long drive, etc. etc. So he says to me this morning...
"I have to go to Princeton today, aren't you jealous?" and I answer
"I have to go have lasers shot into my eye today, wanna trade?"
He says yeah, like driving to Priceton is worse. Of course it is, it's happening to him.
But don't they realize that the more they drop the ball here, the further away, the longer this will take to recover from? Don't they see this is A behavior, putting yourself before your spouse? The one thing they can give us that costs NOTHING, empathy, they can't provide.
And we're the bad guys for "punishing" them?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
How is everybody? Good I hope.
I'm still upright and putting one foot in front of the other.
Last Saturday was 2 year antiversary. Ugh, it was not a good day. But I'm better now, still riding that darn roller coaster. Had a couple of hard days, but b/c of them H and I were able to have a pretty good talk. Not A related but R related, it seemed to help.
Haven't had much time at all to keep up with LTA forum. The weather has been lovely and I've been spending some time outside. I've started going to the walking park in the evenings and also....drum roll please..... working out on my ab lounger!!!! Yes I've moved the launder elsewhere and have put my rear end down and actually exercised. Exercise is soooo good for stress.
If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
I'm gonna have to print and read to catch up on everyone, I'm so sorry....I just am having some flashbacks lately. We are in year #2 here and the coming months are bringing with them some bad memories of days that should not have ever been tainted.
Sometimes I stay away from the boards because it is just too much to take....does anyone understand that?
Anyway...I am sending best wishes out to all of you here, and I hope today goes well for you all.
time is helping to heal the wounds and we are working hard to mend our relationship
Just got to work and thought I'd leave a quick hello.
Hope everyone is doing OK.
LT and Weepy.... I just gotta say that I am feeling very lucky. My WS is far from perfect and neither am I, but he would be there for me if I asked. He just recently went with me to the dentist because I have a phobia about dental work... scares me to death. My H knows this and changed his schedule around to take me and it made going so much easier.
I wish I were there to help, but I am sending posistive thoughts your way!!
Found out about H's 8 mo A in Dec 06
2007 - I assumed we were working on R
Dec 2007 - found evidence of what I thought was renewed contact - we separated.
H changed his tune...wants to work 100%
Yesterday (3/24/08) Found out A never ended. Last year was false R.
What I knew to be an 8 mo EA/PA was almost 2 years on and off (mostly on).
So...yesterday OW decided she had enough of H not commiting fully to her and wanted to tell me everything. H came home from work in the middle of the day and told ALL. I didn't know 80% of what the truth was. He's lied so much I don't even know what I knew - KWIM? Anyway - after he fessed up to all we met with OW for 2 hours while she outted my H and brought stacks of emails, cards, etc for me to read. Thankfully he was completely honest and I had no surprises from OW. In fact I think she was suprised H told me everything. Not sure of her purpose in doing this. She said to let me know what I was actually dealing with. Of course she still wants him - so evidently he's not all that bad in her eyes - but I should know
So here's my deal.
WTF do we do now? What do I do now? I am strong and ready to walk away from this M after all this crap but H says this time is different. He's been trying to 'smooth things over' with her and ease out of this relationship for many months but they always end up breaking up and making up. Yesterday he had no desire to make things right with her and was relieved that the entire truth was out. No more mystery.
I'm just kind of in a strange place today. Still feel like I love my H off and on. He was really 'in love' with this woman and wrote things to her he's never written to me. We never had the passionate love - just the comfortable (I thought safe) kind of marriage. She's given him something that I might never be able to.
On the other hand after the first month or two of finding out - when I begged WH to stay - he's been free to leave. For the past three months I've been begging him to set ME free if he's not willing to commit. He's never wanted to completely walk away but has been the MASTER cake eater.
Retrouvaille has been helping our communication but the fact that the A has basically been going on this whole time has me confused to say the least!
Thanks for listening.
I hardly ever post on this site - figured WH probably told OW my userID but I could really care less who sees what at this point.
Thanks for your support and understanding.
Any advice on what's next?
I've never been through a false R. My H committed to our M long before I even found out. His OW was gone, and literally died before Dday, so NC with her is perfect and has been for 2 1/2 years.
But he did tell me there were many false starts and stops to ending it before he finally walked away. He's always maintained a good relationship, even good friendship with all his exes. It was sooo important to him to be liked. Guess he was "lucky" his LTAP was also Ok with the relationship ending.
One of the toughest parts of this is for me to understand that I will never have that affair level passion in our love too. Everyone we've consulted seems to expect that's normal in a LT marriage. Even my H has accepted it. He says there's nothing like making love to someone you truly love and who loves you back. No matter how much he "loved" the OW, it wasn't pure. It is and was always "on the sly", "behind someone's back", stolen moments. That's nothing to base Love on.
My H managed to juggle all those women, his LTA, missing money, missing hours, the loss of a job (he kept from me for 2 years). I had NO idea who I was living with.
Only you can determine the level of sincerity in your H. If you want to, you can let him try and prove his love and loyalty and to earn back your trust. He has to be aware this is not a short term goal, but a lifetime of changing and work. Does he feel up to that?
I've come to a decision that I've been thinking about for a while and like many others before me I have decided to leave SI. There are many reasons not least of which is that for the second time the ow in my sitch has posed as a BS and started pm'ing me in February (I knew she had been reading my posts for months). I was also reading something in Wayward from an ow who I think is maybe her although I don't know and if it is I'm glad because maybe finally she will get some of the help she needs to allow her to move on.
But I realised something. I am keeping this alive, I understand that I need to work through things. We are both going to IC, we go to MC I am in no way sweeping this under the carpet, but I find myself addicted to coming on here. I am using SI as a crutch and I don't think it is healthy anymore. I love SI, I have got so much support here. I cannot say how much SI has meant to me and I literally don't think I would have still been standing at times last year if it weren't for SI. But it is time for me to move on. I spend hours reading other people's posts when I should be doing other things and I think I am starting to avoid my reality by being on here. I have always been one to live in fantasy to a certain extent which if I'm honest is what led me to be able to deny what was happening in my marriage for so long. I want to live in reality now and I think that means I need to go off-line for a while.
To my H's ow;
I only wish you healing. I cannot hate you. Some have suggested that it is not healthy, that I should allow myself to be angry but I'm not, yes angry about the hurt I feel and that another human being could choose to do this to someone they don't know but not angry at you. You have made some terrible choices, you have pursued a married man who fathered 3 children while you knew him, you tried to steal that man from his children. I realise you probably don't see it that way. But you did and maybe one day you will accept that about yourself and move on with your life. I hope you find someone who will really love you with all his heart, someone who will father your children and support you through a long and happy marriage. I truly hope you never have to suffer the way I have this past year. Please look into yourself and understand what it is within you that has allowed you to do what you have, to yourself as much as anyone else. I know you do not believe that it was a fantasy. Your feelings are not a fantasy maybe but what/who you think you love, is. It was never real. He lied to you. He was never honest. He does not love you more than he loves me, but that is not because you are not worthy of love it is because he was a broken man. His affair was all about him, no-one else, not even you.
I hope you find out why you allowed your sense of self to be so crushed that you decided to allow yourself to be involved with a married man for so long. Make no mistake you are as responsible for this affair as my H is, but in the same way that I see my H changing I can have hope for you too. I hope you find the peace in your life that would result from facing the truth of who you have been, forgiving yourself and moving on.
Best wishes to all on the LTA thread. You have all helped me enormously. I can't say I will never ever come on here again, but I need to do this now. I hope everyone's health problems resolve themselves and I hope everyone finds the happiness they are looking for whether with their spouses or not.
Love you, wish you only the best, happiest, longest life ever.
All I wanted was 1 year to see if we could make a go of our M. One year free of OW. Didn't get it. I feel like I'm giving up if I don't try that year but seriously... maybe it will be another year of my life wasted.
Weepy - I remember chatting with you about lack of sex. Is that better for you? I was so sad about it last year but now I understand and I'm glad we had very few times.
This is sooo overwhelming I don't know this man anymore. Two years of my life are a lie and here I am wondering if I should wager another year.
Thanks for listening. I know there are no easy answers.
Dammit, I hate making excuses for people who are still doing the same ugly stuff and hiding it.
Yes, you are "lucky" sex was infrequent and now you know the reason why. When it happens here, my brain says "he's not cheating" but my emotional side goes right there.
Since we talked about it in MC things have been better, but not perfect for sure. I forget were you guys in counseling at this time too? And he never let on once? The C didn't pick it up?
That's another scary thing. My IC kept saying "he's in IC, you're in MC, don't you trust that we could see it if it were happening again?" And I kept saying "no, you won't. I won't. He's that good."
There have been some on this site who have done an in-house separation deal. No contact unless required until they figure out what they want to do.
Did it really look like he was trying all those months? Or was he stuck and ineffective? If my H wasn't at least listening and making an effort, then I'd have to say, I'd get out. After finding all this out, even if she's gone, I don't know that I could do it with a false R. I told him after dday, that if I ever found anything else, if there was even a hint of his cheating again or not telling me something significant (like more women or a longer time period) and I find out later, I'm gone. And I intend to stick to that. For my own self, I'd have to.
I can't advise you what to do except to search your heart and mind, maybe consult a counselor again. But take your time. He doesn't get your agreement right away again to try. Does he see what he's done?
He knows what he's done. He knows that he's messed up beyond belief and he doesn't even know who he is anymore. We have both been in IC since last April/May. In MC since Dec. His IC knew the whole truth but of course it's confidential so... I'm in the dark as usual. Our MC did not know. In Jan I found a receipt so I thought at the time it was renewed contact and we were dealing with that with MC - plan if she calls again, plan for reuniting after separation, etc. All the while - he's trying to break it off with her but can't seem to stay away.
I do believe it was different yesterday. He said in the past he would always convince her that he still loved her and to just stay with him until he could divorce me. Yesterday he let her go off and didn't try to fix anything.
He says it's over for good. Do I believe it???? hummm... I'm stupid if I do and I would say actions actions actions - but what's to stop them from getting another account and phone. Nothing. If he contacts her again I'm done with this joke.
I was just sitting there yesterday with OW thinking how in the hell did we get here. It was surreal. I can't believe he was willing to give up his family for her. It's crazy.
We have MC tomorrow. It will be interesting. H called this morning and wants to have a date night this weekend. A start.
I like this forum. Feel like I belong here. Isn't that sad Hopefully I won't be over in the Divorce forum soon(even thought I'm kinda separated already)
FSA!!! It is so nice to see you. I am glad that you have been focusing on you. What better deed!
I have missed you.I am happy for you, my friend.
Thanks for checking in.
Trying, I am just gobsmacked.
I cant find the words to say to you, so will just offer you positive thoughts and
Keep on posting. This place is a lifesaver.
Uptome, hey are you ok?
Please lean on the tribe.
You know you dont have to only post if things are going well, or if you have something profound and wise to say. Look at me, for crying out loud!
Mum, what can I say?
You are my first IRL SI friend. I believe a bigger hand was at play when we met up here, and I think we will be friends for a long time to come.
Re OW...what a truly pathetic creature.Your letter to her summarised everything about who you are: kind, gracious, mature and elegant. I bow down, Mum. Well done.
I understand your reasons for leaving. But hope to see you here again. You bring a levelheadedness to the Lodge that we need to counterbalance some of the more OTT amongst us
All the very very best Mum.
I will miss you.
I totally understand your need to go, but boy will I miss your gentleness and strength. Please come back every now and then to let us know how it goes with you and with your sister. I'll be keeping both you and her and baby in my prayers.
If you ever need anything, you can always PM one of us. It's hard to go this stuff alone, even for someone as inately wise as you are. There will always be much love waiting for you here, if and when you ever need it.
And OW, since you are reading here, let me say a word to you. You will rarely find a person with as much compassion as Mum, particularly for someone who has hurt her so deeply. You worked hard to destroy her family and yet she offers you nothing but kindness. Why don't you leave her and her family alone. Please. It is really time for you to go find your own life. This is a dead-end road and you are wasting the best years of your life in it.
Hi to all. I've been spending more time IRL too. I haven't been able to keep up with the thread but I have read your sitch LostH with the lumps and I'm sending you buckets of white light to help you get through this period of not knowing. Of course it will be a good outcome for you!! Your cross to bear is snoring on the fucking couch! WTF? He fell asleep while you were sharing your deepest, darkest fears? OK, don't want to stir up the mud here, but please Lost, get your support from people who are capable of giving it from here on out. I wish I could slap that man of yours right upside his hollow head! And if you're still reading here Mr. Lost, feel free to take me on with this one! Sorry, you know me Lost. Can't help myself!
Hope you are all doing well.
Trying, you're in the right place. So sorry to hear of your sitch. God he's put you through a lot. It's time to focus on YOU and you'll find that's a common theme here on LTA corner. If he's commited 100% then he needs to pony up and do his work while you work on you and get yourself to the point where it doesn't matter what the hell he does. I'm sorry though. You've really been through the ringer. Take care of you and jump in here. This is an incredibly supportive group.
Hugs all the way around.
[This message edited by OneToughCowgirl at 7:28 PM, March 25th (Tuesday)]
You added so very much to the fabric of this thread.
Thank you for all the gentleness and dignity you brought here.
Best wishes and sincere hugs that your next chapter is one of healing and quiet comfort.
I hope you and Lost and any other UK sisters continue to support each other IRL.
To the lurking OW....
Just know that mum, the wife you worked so hard to hurt, is so much more a "woman" that you could ever imagine or be. Find your own life....hers is already spoken for.
Blessings to you, mum....
You will truly be missed.
To the lurking OW....
Just know that mum, the wife you worked so hard to hurt, is so much more a "woman" that you could ever imagine or be. Find your own life....hers is already spoken for.
I'll second that--only with a whole lot more f-you's! It's just how I am.
Get your own fucking life, REJECT.
If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.
The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton