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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting, if only to have your awareness about his personality defects confirmed

Yep, because he's the only one who can do anything about it. Funny though, if he worked on those areas, we wouldn't have issues like we did last night.

I'm off to run errands all day today so I'll catch up later.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Content  Posted: 8:39 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Morning to all,

I am always a day late....

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BT

Hope it was happy, and I too say welcome to the "50" club.It is FABULOUS!!
It really is only a number and I feel like I am younger and healthier than I've ever been.

Weepy,
Glad to hear that your H had an explanation for you.

SoLost,
Take care of yourself and let the healing happen.

UKgirl,
Missed you, and hope you are enjoying your company.

Well, as for myself and my H, we are doing great. So glad it's Friday and we can relax this weekend. Nothing we have to do and nowhere we have to go. WS is looking forward to a cozy evening at home and quite ALOT of physical activity!!
I suppose come Sat. morning we will have to help our son work on his house. It is coming along... he is fortunate to have so many talented and good friends. They have been doing an awesome job! I am so PROUD of all of my "boys".

My H had his 1st IC and I hope it helps him find his self and to understand why. Not just the why of the A, but the why of "him". H really is a good guy... more good qualities than bad. He said it was weird me not being there. I asked how it went and he thought it was going to be helful.
H had a work function last night and there was a speaker there that really touched his heart. When he came home and was talking to me about it, I could actually hear him choking up. Maybe he really is changing...

Not too much else going on. Had a rough week at work. Did something I said I would never do.... stepping between 2 teens that were going to fight and DID!! Got a little banged and bruised, but my co-worker jumped in to help. Sad because the 2 fighting won't gradute now, and it was all so unnecessary, and over some STUPID boy.
Yep... I work in a highschool,but I really love the kids and they keep me young.... if they don't fight anymore.

Hope everyone has a great weekend, filled with love and hope.

LostHeart
Praying for you......


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
SAMEWOMAN
♀ Member
Member # 16902
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have read all over this site how people do the 180 and how it is needed for those of us who have been betrayed... well i am here to say that it has been only 5 days since I have done the 180 and you know what it is getting better.....my crying has subsided to maybe just 1 or 2 per day...amazing how this truly does work...I still pray and I am sure that has alot to do with the peace I am starting to get in my heart....I even see maybe getting an apt for me and my daughter and maybe starting a new life without him..I do miss him still very much and I have mind movies in my mind but doing the 180 really does help... for those that have not done it please do so now it is amazing how it works and I was a nonbeliever of it... not any more...and always pray without ceasing...

Posts: 89 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: TX
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SW. I’ve read a few of your posts scattered about. It looks like your 180 is well overdue. It will get easier as time goes on and, hopefully, he will get his head out of his ass/the sand/the clouds when he realises you are not there for his every beck, call and whim and that you most certainly are not putting up with unacceptable behaviour any more.. The 180 is for you, to help you cope, to focus on your situation, to create your boundaries for your marriage. He has to understand this is stand off time. Take strength from what you are doing and keep it up.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SW, three cheers for you!!!

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sw: The 180 saved my sanity until I could get to an IC who really helped me understand what I was trying to do.

You deserve a break.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels good to be 50. Life is good and I am happy.
BT... Belated Bday wishes and welcome to the Fabulous 50's club!
Gotta run... going out of town with FWH.

Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say hello to all.

My life has been busy here lately. I don't quite know why, the house is still a wreck. But for some reason I've been having a hard time finding any extra time. Work is still busy, and we're still not in our new offices yet.

Still riding the roller coaster but the ups and downs seem to be a little less of a plunge. Maybe the ride is slowing down. I think I could live the rest of my life without ever having to look at another coaster, and I used to love to ride on them. Not anymore though.

I'm trying to put some of this behind me. Note the key word here...."trying". I'm doing fairly well. Still have the thoughts of...."he did this and I'm going to bring him down in this pit of crap with me". "how dare he". "I know he couldn't have loved me and done this too". And I also still struggle with what bitch snaggletooth was thinking about me during the LTA. I know she is the last person in the world that I should care what she thought. But it bothers me that she knew that they were getting one over on me. That one still haunts me pretty bad. I wish I could find a place where she is totally out of my mind and all that matters is mine and H's R. Oh well, hopefully one day soon. I also have quite a bit of work yet to go with forgiveness. How do you get to the point that you can look at H and not feel resentment, anger, frustration toward what he has caused in my life.

Oh well, that's enough before I talk myself angry.

Hope all have a great weekend.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still have the thoughts of...."he did this and I'm going to bring him down in this pit of crap with me". "how dare he". "I know he couldn't have loved me and done this too"

This space isn't called "I Can Relate" for nothing--I still have these thoughts sometime and I'm way out from d-day--mostly when the OC issues come up, or if I'm feeling neglected in some way--but still trying and pretty successfully most of the time.

I think those thoughts are part of me now--partly cuz I'll NEVER understand how he could have done this and still felt that he wanted to be in our marriage. Still think his definition of love has got to be different from mine. Or at least a committed R, or loyalty or something...

Too old for all this--

Have a nice weekend everyone.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
alccecbjc
New Member
Member # 18887
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I am new here . My FWS had a 5 year long term affair my Dday was December 29, 2008. I am looking for hope here that it can work. We have renewed our vows . my big thing is trying to get him to understand my feelings and triggers and that it takes time , that it will not be overnight and help explaining that . thank you more of my story later


Me: BS 44
Him: 50
Married: 24 yrs, 5 yrs LTA
D-day:12/29/06

Kids: 20, 16, 9
Grace wins
Grace is not getting what we deserve
Mercy is getting what we Don't deserve


"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2008
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome al, things get a little slow here on weekends, but don't fret, we're a talkative bunch. You tell us when you're ready.



Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely horrid MC session. We're not speaking, again. I brought up Retrouvaille. MC said she's had several clients that rave about it... H felt "blindsided" because he didn't know I was going to suggest we talk about it.

Well, I was going to leave it with the MC as we left for her to review, but the "you're not hearing what I'm saying" complications started about mid way through our session.

I've been nothing but supportive of him this week and his tough schedule, the change in job, doing favors for him because he didn't have time. He's been appreciative and we've even had a couple fights that ended well.

So I mention Retrouvaille adn I mention I'm looking for a PT job doing something different. He says I need to look for something I know, something I've done for years, it doesn't make sense to him to apply for jobs I probably won't get because I don't have the experience.

I tell him I'm smart and a quick learner and if it's something I'm interested in, it'll be even more incentive to learn. He says my idea is stupid. I tell him it's no differen than him trying something new with the sales job he took. Well, he heard that he's incompetent and doesn't know a thing about sales even though he had his own company for 11 years. I never said the word "incompetent" I never said he doesn't know what he's doing, all I said was it was different and why shouldn't I get the same opportunity.

It was a mess. I stormed out of the office without even saying goodbye to the therapist. He went to bed at 8 pm. I'm thinking of sleeping in our son's room.

Fuck I hate this.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning everyone. Japanese student has gone and things are back to normal here, whatever that means. Hoping everyone has a trigger-free w/end.
*****
Hi al. That’s some mnemonic! Browse around and familiarise yourself with the site. There’s lots of stuff in the Healing Library and it should help you get a handle on your own situation. You will find help and support here in our LTA tribe. Welcome, settle down and tell us your story.
*****
Weepy! That did NOT call for a confrontation! If you want to do “something different”, then try it. I really don’t see that it’s a point for discussion. Whether you choose to stay in the same vein, go off at a tangent or be a bungee jump organiser, it really has to be whatever makes you feel good. Shrug your shoulders at him and, as they say, Just Do It. The Retrouvaille probably pricked his conscience – that word will mean examining his flaws (which are many!!). Ignore the reaction. Count to ten. Breathe. Smile inside. Leave pregnant silences for him or MC to fill. He is the one with the issues, you are just trying to understand.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:13 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
OneToughCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 14817
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BT!!!! Sorry I missed the actual day. You're like a fine wine my friend - just getting better with age.

Well,it seems to have quieted down a little in here. I was able to catch up without it taking an entire morning!

alccecbjc - Welcome. You've come to the right place for support and hope. This is a wonderful and supportive group and there's a ton of wisdom on these pages. I can give you hope and tell you that you will make it through this. The best way to do so, as you'll hear over and over again in here, is to focus on and take care of you. It's a natural tendency for so many of us to want to nurture the situation and marriage but it's time for your H to step up and take control of his life and his M. You cannot do this for him. All you can do is get your self back from all this and build your inner strength and resiliency. This is an opportunity to find YOU and get to know yourself. The idea is to build a relationship with yourself that is strong and healthy so that no matter what your H chooses to do or not do in the future, it will not determine how you see and feel about yourself. Hope this helps a little. Hang in there. You're in early days and it may be a rough ride for awhile. Let this group support you through it.

[This message edited by OneToughCowgirl at 9:01 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


M 20 years / together 25 yrs
6 yr LTA
Me 47
FWH 48
D-Day Jan. 2006
We're good and getting better every day!

Posts: 607 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Chicago
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone.

Welcome al.
Just thinking of those early months makes me cringe inside. Its hard time al, and trust me, it WILL get better. You must be feeling like you walked through the looking glass and everything as you know it, has gone bonkers!

Post as ofetn as you like, when you like, about what you like. I know my thoughts were all over the place then, and just getting to voice them somewhere made such a difference, even it was sometimes just to know that all this was real, and I was not crazy.
((((al))))

***
Lovinlife, sounds like your H is ready to break down some of his walls. Be aware that this might trigger some depression in him, so try not to take his moods to heart.
High school kids??!! Yikes, you are brave. HS kids scare the c**p out of me.

***
Weepy, sounds like your H went on the defensive in trying to shut your idea down. Do you think it was his "punishment" for you bringing up the Retro idea, without consulting with him first?

You KNOW you can do what ever you want, right? You KNOW that you are very CAPABLE of any job you aspire to.Ukg has some good advice...you KNOW you, so just smile and leave alone. Dont let him engage you in his tantrum.

***
Hi FSA.

How do you get to the point that you can look at H and not feel resentment, anger, frustration toward what he has caused in my life.

Thats a toughie FSA.
I think, or at least what I am hoping, is that those moments will get further and further apart, and that I will be able to concentrate on what is happening now.
And I am hoping that oneday, when I do have that moment thinking of all those years I lost, I will be able to say to myself, "I am where I want to be. I want this life. I am happy."And those thoughts wont hurt so much, KWIM?

***

Ukg, alone at last!
Hope you are spoiling yourself this weekend.

***

I had a particularly tough session in IC last night. Broke down crying, something I havent done before.
Its frightening the amount of work that I need to do on myself.
But if it means I get to say on my 50th bday, "I am happy.", then I guess it will be worth it.

Spoke to H again, on advice of IC, about my fears re the lumps in my tummy. He was more supportive and caring this time around. In fact, he has been so since yesterday. I so wish I could keep him in this Good H mode all the time.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't care why he attacked me. There was no call for it.

Even when we got home... he saw my Chromium tablets in teh cabinet and asked what they were, i told him supplements to control blood sugar and his reaction was "So, now you're taking blood sugar medication and I'm not told about that either."

Blindsiding is one thing, but my intention was NOT to talk about it last night. I sensed we were near the end of the session and just asked her too look at the material. And you know what? SHE was the one who brought up me working for an attorney, not me. I know I only have minimal experience at it and I didn't particularly like it then either.

I've been leaving him alone all day. HE's up in bed, supposedly sick. We were supposed to go out tonight, but I think I'm going alone, well, with my SIL. I haven't said one word to him all day.

Fuck him.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,I think theres a HUGE misunderstanding between you two. It seems like your H is feeling a little left out of your life..maybe that you are thinking of doing stuff and not telling him, like the retrov weekend and starting a job.

I know it wasnt your intention to, and it looks like your MC just got carried away with it, so that didnt help either.

How can this be fixed?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, I’ve had a word with the girls and we’ve made a space for you to have:

7th Heaven Ultimate Stress Buster

This is a two hour head to toe treatment finishing with the Exotic Coconut & Milk Ritual Wrap and left to “cook”. Then you can join the rest of us in the man/pedicure lounge for a martini special. Dinner tonight is salmon timbale followed by sea bass on a bed of julienne vegetables and a piquant sauce finishing with an exquisite crème brulee. Wine will be on the table. Afterwards, we are retiring to the bar where the piano man is playing requests and some of us will be singing along.

Leave him to be sick.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey LostH, you jumped in while I was posting weepy! See you in the man/ped lounge. I need to get this gunk out of my hair from the Indian head massage!!


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Ukg!
A full back massage will be heaven sent right now. The knots on my neck have knots!

The menu sounds yummy. But why settle for creme caramel only...bring the whole dessert cart!

Yesterday the Lollipop Man told me that I had put on weight, that my back looked really big. I could have so smacked him hard. How rude!
I wish I was a quick thinker at those times. I just freeze with politeness.



Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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