Left out of my life???? how could that be? He wants to control everything, like I should call him before I breathe. He'll call mid afternoon and maybe I miss the call cause I'm in the shower... "why were you taking a shower now?" like I should have cleared it with him. Ask the girls I met, he called me 4 times during our lunch! There's checking in and then there's obsessing.
Somehow he got that I was insulting him last night by saying he was trying something new with the sales. Like I ignored the fact that he ran his own business (right into the ground BTW) like I wasn't there. So he throws away 2 whole weeks of me listening to him, helping him organize his price book. I sent him in office supplies and our pictures and a freaking candy jar (full) for his desk. The first words out of my mouth when he calls me after work are "How did it go?" And he had the nerve to say I wasn't showing an interest in what he was doing.
Maybe his fucking girlfriend was fascinated with him working because it was a totally foreign concept to her. But I was interested, not so much now.
I hope he fucking chokes on his mucus up there.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I ran into a friend from the old neighborhood, he's engaged to the band's lead singer. This guy was terrific when we were kids. He was a straight arrow, handsome, smart, he's now a lawyer, like his dad was. Our mothers were terrific friends and often daydreamed about their kids living happily ever after.
Well B grew up and went off to college and then law school. We lost touch. His parents divorced around the same time mine did and for the same reason..... 40 years later he says to me tonight "It really sucks doesn't it? I was 30 when they split and I still have scars from it." I told him I was still dealing with it in therapy. He says "Therapy is great isn't it?"
Weepy, pleased you had a good time last night. Nothing less than you deserve.
Well, if there’s no one to chat with, I’ll get on with the ironing. Maybe everyone's recovering from yesterdays full day in the spa. Check in later.
Watching the news about that plane crash outside London...
Terrible for all involved....
H has to work the Home Show this afternoon, so he has to drag himself out of bed for it.
I treated him yesterday like I would any other sick animal. Made sure it was fed, watered and medicated. We barely spoke. Today he acts like Friday never happened.
And I'm starting a list of what I've done for him since Friday night. We'll compare at our next MC appt. Of course HE has the trump card there... Well, I didn't cheat on her this week.
Off to make my meatballs for dinner, do some job searching on the net and then to the gym.
Talk to you all later...
I have not been reading or keeping up but I send extra hugs to newbies and to those who are having a particularly hard time.
HUGS and blessings to all
[This message edited by no mor surprises at 9:35 PM, November 14th (Friday)]
Have a wonderful time, and be safe.
NAS. I didn’t see the news yesterday. Looks like the house was completely demolished. Very sad for all concerned, but there are now so many light aircraft and people getting piloting licenses that these events are going to happen more frequently.
I treated him yesterday like I would any other sick animal.
Good for you! Don’t pander to him! Did he manage to crawl into work today
Yeah, he moaned all day yesterday too, but still had to go work the Home Show for 4 hours. I cooked dinner and DD and her BF and I ate. I warmed it up when he came home and then spent the next 2 hours telling him to go back to bed. He acted like nothing had happened Friday night. Grabbing for my hand on the couch and rubbing my shoulder. Even tried to snuggle when I finally came up to bed. I kissed him on the head and told him to go to sleep, he needed it.
This morning he had to be in for a 6 AM meeting. I'd noticed last night that he went to bed without setting his alarms, so I did it. I shouldn't have and told him so when he woke me to say goodbye. He said I told him I had set them, when what I really told him was the coffee pot was set.
I kind of put the book on the back burner of my mind too. I was always concerned that we could somehow be recognized if it were ever published and 7 years seems such a long time to cover. Maybe I'll write a piece. We'll see.
Both my kids are going to London this summer. I told them I had some friends in the "neighborhood" who'd watch out for them if they got arrested or something. They just
OMG I just applied for a job with a private detective agency! H is going to sh@t!
Oh the fucking irony!!!
Thanks Weepy, I needed a laugh. Hope you get the job! I know my H would NOT be supporting that, good luck!
Back from vacation and into reality again. SUCKS!! Wish I could live in the oblivious stage more often.
Still trying to catch up here, not too much left. Looked like a kinda quiet week.
Welcome to the newbies, sorry you are here, but it is a great help! Lots of great advice and support.
Mum, you will be missed, but I know what you are saying. Being away from it all was very refreshing. By all I mean, SI, OW, triggers in the home, Etc. Now if I could just figure out how to continue that feeling when here.....
Sorry I have been MIA but as some of you gleaned from EmptyOne's posts, I have been going through a particularly rough patch. I think it has taken this long for the shock to wear off and for me to really begin to process on a very deep level what has happened to me.
I am not just talking about the number of women, the length of his ltas, etc. But the fact that my life, as I knew it, did not exist. It is amazing when you step away from your own life and analyze your actions how many of those actions were based on assumptions. Now granted, when you marry someone and you take the vows it shouldn't be an "assumption" that both of you are present in the marriage but, unfortunately for me, it was. I was married to him. He was not married to me. He even admits this now. Therefore, all of the actions and decisions I made for my entire adult life were based on false information and have led to a completely wrong conclusion. Therefore, I now find myself 47 years old with three darling children and no husband. I never had a husband - never in the last 22 years.
So where do I go from here? He probably is one of the most remorseful Hs I have seen (on this site at least). However, he cannot undo 25 years of the actions which he took and the consequences which they had for both of us. I think of career decisions that I made that I most definitely would have done differently. Obviously, I would not have chosen to bring children into this situation. In sum, I am not living anything close to the life that I would have if I had been given complete information. If he had said to me 22 years ago, "I am not sure I am ready or mature enough to get married. I am sorry to hurt you. I know you love me but I am not ready." Instead, he was afraid of losing me so told me he was committing himself to me when, in fact, he was not. The only person he was looking out for was himself.
I think about behaviors of his that I allowed, perhaps enabled, and, if I had known the truth - that he wasn't committed to me - I would never have allowed. I told him 8 months ago that I was finished as I felt like we had a marriage of convenience for him. After the confessions, I realize I was right. He had a very intelligent, successful, wife, mother, chef, laundress, tutor, lover, maid, etc. AND he got to do whatever he wanted on the side. I was his serf.
So, where does that leave us now? Unlike many of you, what I have come to realize is that this is not a rebuilding process as there was nothing there to begin with. I am not sure if I even belong in this forum . His was not an LTA, it was not a marriage.
He asks can we start over. Can I win you back? Can I earn your love? I ask him why I wouldn't just start that process with someone new, someone who hadn't proven their ability to hurt another human so deeply, someone who was so good and lying and deception, someone who I could look at and think of something good and true and not just pain and agony.
Sorry, I am being so longwinded. I guess I am thinking I should go over to separation/divorce and start hanging out there because I am pretty sure that is where this is going. And I sit here streaming tears for my precious girls..
If he had said to me 22 years ago, "I am not sure I am ready or mature enough to get married. I am sorry to hurt you. I know you love me but I am not ready." Instead, he was afraid of losing me so told me he was committing himself to me when, in fact, he was not. The only person he was looking out for was himself.
Sums it up perfectly. And I gave him his chance to get out too. And if he'd told me the above, I would have probably still waited for him.
But the fact that my life, as I knew it, did not exist
Yes it did. Everything you did was true. Bringing your children into the world, caring for them, for your H. You lived your life as it was handed to you and you did the best you could with the information you were given. You lived a true and open life, you loved your H, that's no crime.
OMG it hurts so much to know that the love wasn't returned as it was given. But you know they did love us as well as they could have. They just couldn't.
He does seem remorseful, more so than my H. My H won't even acknowledge that he has issues other than that "brief" period of cheating. He doesn't see the lying and the arrogance and masks as being wrong because they've always been there (as long as he can remember) and that's home for him. He'll never leave his comfort zone and never change 50% of his ways.
I told my H in MC that I wanted to be asked again to stay, to be his wife, because I don't feel he was in the M from the beginning either. He had a GF where he was living the whole time he was away. Several probably, only one he admits to because I had proof.
The whole time we were married he was on the crest of the slope and I'm sure if opportunity had presented before my illness and the "awful 13 weeks without sex", I would be in the same situation as you. Actually, since he only admits to what I've proven, I COULD be in the same situation as you. But at least you KNOW.
Look, there are no guarantees in life. You know that you could meet someone who'd be lying through his teeth to you again. And I'm positive that until I get healthy and functional, I'd find myself in the same trap all over again, giving, and giving and not getting back, but "thinking" he is because he's a good actor.
I'm staying here because I know this actor now and want to get smart and healthy and strong enough to be able to call him on his crap. He has a long way to winning me back and I'm sorry for him and for your H because they spent 1/2 their lives losing out.
His was not an LTA, it was not a marriage
Believe it or not Shirley, there are a few of us here that know exactly what you are saying...me, BT, unicornsearcher, to name a few off the top of my head.
You are right in everything you said. No one can fault a single line.
But please dont leave here. And please dont make any decisions now... I dont know if it is my place to say that. Just give it some more time Shirley.
I know how gut and soul wrenching this realisation is. There is no pain quite like it. EVERYTHING was based on lies. I cant even say I loved my H then because he wasnt EVER the man that I thought I knew. I loved an illusion.
Hang on Shirley. One way or the other, it WILL get better. Darn, I wish I could paste the stuff that others told me when I was at this point, but I have to get the kids into bed now. I will try to later, or at least point you in the right direction.
I am NOT talking you out of S or D. I am simply saying hold on just a little bit longer.
And also, we are NOT ready to let go of you that easy.
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 3:23 PM, March 31st (Monday)]
[This message edited by Lost Heart at 1:55 PM, March 31st (Monday)]
I also wanted to agree to what Weepy said to you. Irrespective of what a fake H was, remember YOU were real; every memory you created with your girls were real; YOU WERE REAL. And nothing and nobody can ever take that away from you.