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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley, this post is to you. Cos I care! And it’s been busy in here, so I have to catch up.
He was not married to me. He even admits this now.

This is a really difficult part. He can only see that with hindsight, now that all the layers have been stripped away. At the time, when you were married, he was married to you, but in a different way. It’s only now he sees he sees he was not 100% in the marriage. Maybe finally, he can get out of that fog and reach out to the person who truly matters in his life – YOU

I would not have chosen to bring children into this situation

Maybe not. But it is probably the best thing you have ever done. Rule #1. Never regret your children. They are your joy.

The only person he was looking out for was himself.

He isolated himself. That is not your fault. He was living in a vacuum.

I was his serf.

The same mistake we all made. Looking after them a little too well and giving them a free rein, b/c we trusted them. No one should be made to feel anything other than an equal and this should be within the basis of a new relationship. Like you (although my situation is nothing like yours), I consider the old marriage dead. My H began divorce proceedings in Oct 2001 and presented me with the absolute on 30th July 2006. It is over. Finished. Now we start again from scratch, but only when I am ready.

Can I win you back?

No. It’s not a case of winning you back. It’s a case of winning you. You are not going back. You are starting from new. You don’t know him, he doesn’t know you. It’s wooing and courting and flattering and finding out about this new person. You are both fundamentally changed. This is a courtship. Sometimes new relationships work out, sometimes they don’t. But get to know the guy just a little first.

And I sit here streaming tears for my precious girls.

Don’t cry for them. They have you. And you are wonderful.

This is just one in a long line of decisions that would have been made differently and hence, I would be living a completely different life. Who knows where I would be living, if I would be married and, if so, what would he be like, would I have children, would I care.....etc, etc, etc.

Sliding Doors, Butterfly Effect. If only’s. Life is full of them. It wouldn’t matter how many times we went back to “correct” our mistakes, we would just make others – and maybe worse. Count your blessings – your girls.

He asks if there is any thread left,

Start weaving a new fabric, richer and stronger and more colourful than before.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

alccecbjc. And this is to you!

your H never did process or accept your affair.

I think weepy’s hit the nail on the head with that one. It has “allowed” him to have an affair b/c you/he didn’t work through the issues raised due to your affair. Maybe his affair went on for five yrs b/c he was waiting for you to find out? That or the men and compartmentalising thing.

you need to forgive and go on.

Everyone here can tell you it’s easy for someone who has not been betrayed (esp in the way of a LTA) to say that. We know different.

And you have other issues to address (FOO, as they are referred to – family of origin) as well as your STA and your H’s LTA. You both need IC as well as MC if you can afford it. Scrape off the layers and start from the beginning. You’ve been painting over the cracks.

And that was not a rant. I’ve done some prize ones!!

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:00 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me again!!

Weepy,

He just called me with his new work cell #. I've now lost a security I had, being able to see his calls.

Openness? You would like to see his records for the new phone. No, you are not spying, you are verifying. Trust takes time.

He didn't want to sleep in his truck, or some seedy motel room, he was "better" than that.

Oh, I got one too. He had to stay at MOW’s house because he had too much to drink and didn’t want to risk driving. Model citizen then.

Lost, (and I posted to your topic in Gen)

You know your love for H dying is not necessarily a bad thing. That love is the love for old H from the old M. When that is well and truly dead, maybe a new love can grow?

Kind of what I said to Shirley. We’ll see. No rings. No promises. Guarded as always now. I don’t have one foot out of the door, but I do have my hand on the handle.

Hmm. Much food for thought. I’m off to get some green tea from the trolley. Anyone want a cup?


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl - Sliding Doors was on HBO last week and I watched it for the first time. It had such an effect on me and I keep thinking about how my life could have been different had I made another choice.
I actually broke off our engagement one month prior to our wedding but let him talk me into going through with the M. I "knew" and actually felt that it was the right thing to end our engagement but he was so determined and so convincing that I trusted him and went ahead with our plans. Where would I be today had I not let him break my resolve???
He had multiple A's on his first wife - I knew I was taking a risk. His friends tried to warn me - HIS FRIENDS. These men can be so charming when they need to be and he charmed me back into the R.
I feel like I'm back at that place where I have two choices and each path leads to a very different place. The path I chose when I decided to go through with the wedding led me here. I'm not totally sorry because I have 3 beautiful children as a result of that choice. Now though, I need to make the best choice for me at this stage of my life. It is a struggle every day trying to determine what is in my best interest and I am trying to use this time to make a thoughtful, wise decision.
As you can see, it was a very triggery movie but I'm glad to have seen it anyway.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 11:26 AM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His friends tried to warn me

His MOTHER tried to warn me.

But since he had pretty much discounted her in my eyes... I didn't listen to her. Well, I listened but told her that he would be different with me because I trusted him. She obviously didn't.

Whe I went to her in 2001 to get the trust money she had for him. She'd distributed the funds to all her other children, but not my H because he was "foolish". OK, the guy is 50 yo and still can't get anywhere talking to his own mother.

So I go over and tell her to cut the strings, that he's a responsible adult not, 2 kids, wife, house, responsible job, blah blah blah and she needs to see him in that light instead of the rebellious, broken little boy she had. She cried, I cried. I told her I couldn't be her DIL if she didn't respect my H as a man and right now! She turned the money over to us.

This was just either just months after he ended his LTA or around that time, he wasn't done with the cheating yet though. And that's what I thought of him, even after 7 years of emotional withdrawal and abuse.

He didn't even know I had done it until the check arrived and I told him. Wow, AHA moment, I wonder if my telling him what I told his mother influenced him in any way??? Hmmm. He won't remember.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. Sharing with you something I wrote last summer. There are many, many references to his poetry and to her. I have italicised them. It should be centralised, but I don't know how to do that. Makes a difference to how it looks/reads as a poem.

“But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.”
(TS Eliot – Burnt Norton)


Five and twenty is time a plenty, no need for more.
Close down the intervening years, review dreams and explore.
Destined not to survive, this marriage of twenty five; time to f*ck up,
And sup the Rosé Champagne proffered in the dreamseller’s cup.
So steal the moment, take the risk, catch time in a capsule,
Grasp destiny’s second chance for something wonderful.
Reassess life, sharpen blunt emotions, feel that intensity,
Find all that was missing and create reasons for this adultery.

The gaze of lustful longing, fingers locked across the table,
Dormant passions reignited, reunited but unstable.
And the butterfly is carelessly crushed upon the stepping stone;
The parallel world visited and its contents known.
Too soon too late to return, rewind, undo. An Autumnal Delight;
Blending the mental, emotional and physical chemistry, trying to right
The wrong before slipping back through the sliding door.
Forgive the mistakes while continuing to make more.

Want more, you’re sure, fight for, pure; blue eyes alluring,
Undemanding, glowing, her unconditional offering.
The flowing of love, the flowering of passion,
the flame of desire,
The adrenaline rush, the trembling touch, and guilty hands perspire.
Spellbound by indecision, mental fascination, emotional collision,
Swaying from past to present, present to past, constant revision,
But never knowing which path to take; the smooth road of tarmac
Or the overgrown dappled trail leading gently back.

Halcyon days of carefree youth and adolescent love
Smilingly recalled in old love songs and poetry thereof.
But the deal has been done, the affair threatens your fragility.
The dreamseller has your soul in exchange for this f*ckability.
He sold you Burnt Norton and her beautiful blueness of eye,
Her softness of skin, a new beginning bringing the dream alive.
You’ve everything you’ve ever wished for, a fantasy fulfilled
But trapped inside a past-present with no future to rebuild.

The walls close, the ceiling drops, chains bite deeper
An emotional prisoner you become your own keeper.
All time is unredeemable; you await judgment while on remand.
Yet still you pretend as years roll by that you are in complete command.
But now only the padded cell hears your silent screams,
And they have boarded up your Theatre of Dreams.
The casual torture of a two dimensional relationship,
The unwanted tender affections pornography in this filmstrip.

Compelled to continue the search, you sweat and grunt,
And try to make sense of life as you come in her c**t
Those lost years mean the making up is so hard to do,
Finding lust, but is there nothing of substance to renew?
So when you leave her, you wear a dark shroud of despair,
Step up to the alter and sacrifice the affair.
Watch the bloodied tears stream down her face;
This is tomorrow’s deep regret, there is closure to embrace.

Truth unlocks the door, Shock is paused at the threshold.
Hope stands back afraid, Destiny removes the blindfold.
This was not how it was planned, it was a huge mistake, you cry,
You never meant to hurt me. But that night my spirit died.
Unable to think or make sense in your paralysed soul,
Aching to make the “right” choice and surrender all control.
You drive the knife through the heart of the love of your life,
Your lover, your mistress, your should-have-been wife.

Your Dreaming Visions become my Living Nightmare.
The written words graphic photographs of the affair.
The sky of glass has shattered. The shards and splinters rain,
Sharpened by the poet’s words, my world collapses in pain.
The Temptress blazes overhead with the fury of the betrayed
Against the fool who choreographed this pointless masquerade.
A mindless distraction, diversion, immersion. Rose leaves disturbed.
But you two were just gazing back over the years. Lovers unperturbed.

(But there is no happy ending to this tragedy,
The angel on my shoulder has abandoned me.)
July 2007
*****
Probably the saddest thing I have ever written. I thought my divorce was on the cards. That my life as i knew it was over.

Off to get DS4 his dinner and to ready for MC.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl,
your piece really spoke to me. you have a gift there.

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A quick hello.

HEy Fnf! I was wondering where you were.
Nice to see you.
The Sliding Doors movie also made me open up a can of "what if's".Ah well....

***
Thank you Ukg and Shirley for responding to my thread. I dont know whether I am obsessing about this because of my recent health worries. Think I am. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame.I dunno.

You know for someone who last year was thinking of ending it all, I seem to be quite anti-dying now.

***
Ukg, I didnt know you were raped. I am so sorry. And I even more so sorry if I triggered you.

((((Ukg))))

Nice responses to Shirley btw.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did it again.

[This message edited by Lost Heart at 4:03 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UK, awesome post at the top of this page. Shirley, she really laid it out pretty perfectly IMO.

It's a very upsetting place to be, standing where you are. I spent a good bit of time when I was there looking back at my past and trying to parse out exactly what was real and what was not. Finally, I ended up writing the whole thing off. My whole marriage of 22 years at that point. I grieved to do it, but it was necessary for me to think of it that way in order to create a new life and a new marriage.

I will tell you that it hasn't stayed in the loss column though, not all of it. Bit by bit what was real and true becomes clear. More and more of it as time goes on. And those what if's become less and less of a factor, too. I know that is hard to believe, but it is true. I also gave up a promising career and took a hit professionally that I will never recover from. And even that is something that no longer prays on my mind.

You ask whether there is anything to stay for, and of course you are the only one that can answer that. For me, I have always very much enjoyed being around my husband. He is funny and smart, and likes to do virtually all of the same things that I do. He is kind and solicitous and helpful. My kids adore their dad and I did not want to subject them to a divorce if there was a way to avoid it. Plus, there was a certain amount of fear of starting over by myself. I hated dating the first time around and figured it surely hadn't gotten any better.

And lastly, my husband was working hard to fix his faults and had at least a basic understanding of how hurtful his actions were. Once I really began to believe how wounded he was, his pleas to love him and not abandon him were not something I could easily ignore. It took a long time to get to the point where his hurt was even visible to me, but once it was he became a human being again in my eyes rather than the monster he had seemed since d-day.

Basically, I took a chance on a man I had always loved. I gave him the gift of grace and of mercy. I had to fight something essential in my nature to even consider giving him that, but you know what? It really did come back to me ten-fold. Even if he were to stray again, I will always be glad that I did that. Our marriage would not survive another infidelity, but I would and I would go on knowing that I was the loving and forgiving person that I wanted to be.

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 4:32 PM, April 1st (Tuesday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BT that is so beautiful. thanks.


Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took a long time to get to the point where his hurt was even visible to me,

I can see it, but I can’t relate right now. His pain was self inflicted, and then he sought solace and healing elsewhere.

We had MC tonight and talked about the taking for granted (going back to something I said 18/19 years ago) and me not feeling sexy – ever. Not even when I was (as I see it now!) 34,24,36 a perfect size 10(UK). I wore clothes well. A hanger. That’s all. Maybe I had issues I was not even aware of. Maybe I always expected him to leave for someone with more “substance” and depth and I am puzzled as to why he is still here. I have never been an intellectual match for him. That equates to "sexy" in part.

On that thought, goodnight.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
up2me
♀ Member
Member # 10681
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

holy crap ukgirl!!
more substances and depth? reread your writings, you're amazing. and sexy is a state of mind. DO NOT use your husband as your mirror!!

Posts: 690 | Registered: May 2006 | From: ny
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ukgirl- Thank you for taking the time to parse it for me that way. I don't know why but I feel that we are both in a very similar place right now. Feeling like the marriage is over. Knowing that we can't go back but not wanting to, necessarily go forward. So we sit here and here is a painful place.

And, then you share with us that incredible piece of poetry. I read it about 4 times before I read that you actually wrote it and I thought "holy crap, is this woman published and if not she should be". Do not even begin to give me any of this

Maybe I always expected him to leave for someone with more “substance” and depth
crap because you cannot get any deeper or more substantial than that.

It took a long time to get to the point where his hurt was even visible to me,


I can see it, but I can’t relate right now.

Again, UKg, I feel this way too. I see his pain but I can't seem to break through some protective membrane I have put around myself and care. This, in itself, scares me as I was always so tuned into his needs and emotions and now I couldn't give a crap. We had a particularly tough MC session today. He was sobbing and I couldn't even look at him. I only cried when I thought about the kids.

You ask whether there is anything to stay for, and of course you are the only one that can answer that. For me, I have always very much enjoyed being around my husband. He is funny and smart, and likes to do virtually all of the same things that I do. He is kind and solicitous and helpful. My kids adore their dad and I did not want to subject them to a divorce if there was a way to avoid it.

I WAS with him for these reasons but he undermined that, lied to me, deceived me, violated me for our ENTIRE FUCKING MARRIAGE!! (sorry for the vent but this just sends me right over the edge). I don't know how I enjoy doing things with him ever again. Does time alone make it better? I am trying to do all the things for myself, focus on myself, etc but my mind stays stuck in the past, in the muck, in the what could have beens...


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl
Wonderful poem... thank you for sharing.
I also was raped, many years ago... sorry for boyh of us.

Hello to everyone else,
I am actually very crabby tonite. Just had a really long day at work and a few menepausal{spelling??}problems. Add to that the fact of rain and no sun!!! I need the sunshine, and the blue skies.


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UKgirl-- WOW! That was very powerful. A tremendous statement of where you were at the time.

Amazing.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley,

I hope I am not coming off as minimizing your rightful anger. I am, I think, one of the few champions of anger. I think it is an incredibly powerful force and can be used for good if we let it. When people call it a negative emotion it pisses me off.

I certainly understand your anger. I had exactly six months of married life before my H met the OW and began an EA that turned to PA right around my first wedding anniversary. So, I understand what it is like to have nothing or next to nothing left untarnished.

I guess I'm just trying to shine the light on the next part of the path. I was waiting and praying for anger from you, and you are there. I think what will come next is a real deep introspection on why you, in my ICs words, failed to stand up for yourself for so long. When you find the answers to that, and make the changes to ensure that it doesn't happen again, lots of things will fall into place. Then you will understand how to protect yourself and you will feel confident that you can, condident enough that you will allow those softer emotions to come through again. I know you are a caring and compassionate woman. That isn't gone. It will return, I promise.

But for right now, use that anger to propel your focus on yourself and your quest for answers, not about him, but about you. He'll keep.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
UKgirl
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Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:13 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning and thanks folks. I took me quite a few revisions before I was happy with it. I showed it to him – and he started criticising. There should be: No use of unnecessary words. No full stops in the middle of a line. No over extended lines. Questioned the use of “and”. English MA Hons Cantab fucking TWAT. Oh, and of couse, one shouldn’t really swear or be quite so crude. Oh yeh? What about Philip Larkin’s “They fuck you up, your mum and dad”? And he was Poet Laureate.

Shirley

He was sobbing and I couldn't even look at him.

That was one thing that had a really odd effect upon me. I came back from his bf’s that Sunday morning, ran in for the loo (too many cups of tea!) and he stood outside. Eventually he came in and I was washing my face with cold water. And crying. He begged to hold me and I wouldn’t let him near me. Then he started to cry. It was like a slap in the face for me. I stopped mid-sob and glared at him. Suddenly I was full of fury. WHAT?? How DARE you cry. How fucking dare you have the audacity to cry after what you’ve done. And then it moved to me being upset at him being upset to me just thinking “self-inflicted mate” and feeling nothing. Now I think he just feels sorry for himself. He realises what he is still so close to losing. And he hates the idea that I consider our marriage over.

MC asked what, if I could take just one thing, from our old relationship into a new one. I thought about it a bit and said – nothing. There is nothing I want, other than my children. She smiled and put the same question to him. He said everything that I was and everything that I am. I said, sorry, that person’s gone. I’m changed and so are you. That’s when we got on to the taking for granted thing. He remembered it b/c it made him think and he thought I might, just might, split with him. We were about 21 and 22 at the time. He does accept that he took it for granted that I would “be there” when he embarked on his affair. But that was obvious to me.

And one day, he might finally "get it" about the jewellery and why I won't wear any of it.

So, a little down today. Rambling too much, so I’m off down the gym.

BTW BT. I love reading your posts. They are truly insightful and thought provoking.


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another BTW. Does anyone else think mum left due to someone called Splintered? I think she might have been the OW. Of course I could be on the wrong track. But there was this thread in wayward:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=222277&AP=21&HL=18647

ETA and it reads as if she's English.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 5:21 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I am not coming off as minimizing your rightful anger.

BT- No, I don't feel that way at all - sorry if I sounded that way.

real deep introspection on why you, in my ICs words, failed to stand up for yourself for so long. When you find the answers to that, and make the changes to ensure that it doesn't happen again, lots of things will fall into place. Then you will understand how to protect yourself and you will feel confident that you can, condident enough that you will allow those softer emotions to come through again.

Obviously, I am still "early" in the process but I have spent some time on this and it falls into two places. First, I DID try to stand up for myself. That was the source of most of our fighting for years and years. I didn't know about the affairs but the late nights for "work" when the five course dinners included cocktails, wine, after dinner drinks, etc to 2 am. He would put it off as "business" and I would argue that nothing good is happening after midnight. We fought like cats and dogs over this. Should I have thrown him out? Yes. Should I have set stonger boundaries and enforced them with an iron will? Yes. Did I have two little babies (two under 2) and didn't know what to do? Yes. Will I ever let anyone treat me like that again? NO! I will walk naked and starving through the desert with my children on my back first. Or better, I will let HIM walk naked and starving through the desert!!!

But, I think the protective membrane is up against him and the softer side will not come out for him. It is there for my children, my family, my friends. It is not there for him. Oh, BT, maybe it is just time and the membrane will soften but for now, I can't feel anything towards him except anger for taking advantage of me for my entire adult life.

No use of unnecessary words. No full stops in the middle of a line. No over extended lines. Questioned the use of “and”. English MA Hons Cantab fucking TWAT.

Are you fucking kidding me? He can take his full stops and stick them up his arse!! AND, you can tell him that us human-folk use the word AND all the time AND we don't seem to be suffering from it AND we don't care if he is a English MA Hons Cantab fucking TWAT he is still a fucktard for saying something like that AND you can tell him I said so.

MC asked what, if I could take just one thing, from our old relationship into a new one. I thought about it a bit and said – nothing. There is nothing I want, other than my children. She smiled and put the same question to him. He said everything that I was and everything that I am. I said, sorry, that person’s gone. I’m changed and so are you. That’s when we got on to the taking for granted thing. He remembered it b/c it made him think and he thought I might, just might, split with him. We were about 21 and 22 at the time. He does accept that he took it for granted that I would “be there”

UKG - we are in the same place. We really are. My H had the audacity to say that it was always "part of his construct to be with me". I told him the my fucking "construct" did not include him fucking other women and what the fuck gives him the right to assume I will be here happily waiting once he is done with his fuck fest!!! (oops, mini-vent again )


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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