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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been out of town and helping H with MIL, who is starting in the very early stages of dementia.

Steelergal - this is so hard. Especially at the beginning to watch someone's life force slipping away. It just doesn't seem like it is real - like it can be happening. I hope you are getting her into a home situation with lots of help. In our family's case, my mom tried to care for my dad for too long as he was going downhill and it almost killer her.

We are more than 10 years down the road now. My dad is in a home and doesn't who or where he is most of the time. I know this sounds a little sick but sometimes my mom and I can actually laugh when he asks "when the train is leaving" or "did he remember to pay the tuition" (no kids in school we are all VERY grown and gone)!

I hope you find a way to make her comfortable and safe.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley re H helping...mmmm, well he gets to clean up the house before and after.

Honestly, though, I do the parties.Always have.He said after dday, he felt like a spectator at the parties, but when I did ask for help, it came with a whole bag of worms, so kept that to a minimum.I will allocate tasks but you just dont mess with the kids bdays, you know. I cant take the risk.
Which is why I prefer to plan ahead and do this methodically.

I did give him a big task to do for DS's bday though.

Speaking of which, is your H looking after you well?
How are you both doing?


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when I did ask for help, it came with a whole bag of worms,

That's okay! Let him help and then take the worms and go fishing! Seriously, I have handed so much off to H since DDay#2. Yes, at first, he screwed some of it up. But, he is getting better and better at it, it takes the pressure off me and most importantly, the girls will actually go to their Dad to ask a question. Let him help, let him screw it up, everyone will laugh and he will feel involved.

How are we? I suck and he is doing everything he can. It is all so much that I never get a mental break from it. I think about all of them all the time. I cry every day. I still don't know whether we will make it or if it is too much. I am trying to follow the advise here which is time, time, time. But it is really hard. Geez, you are probably sorry you asked!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry Shirley.
No, not sorry that I asked, sorry you are feeling like this.

Its all part and parcel of the process. You cant hurry it up either unfortunately.

How good are you at mindcontrol?
How about you set aside a time in the am and pm, where you will NOT think of OWs etc at all? Everytime one of them thoughts pop into your head, hold up a STOP sign, and know that you can think all you want about them come,XXtime. But they WILL NOT come into your Shirley time (yes, I named this).
Out! Shoo! Scat! Vermin!!

What do you say??


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For a class A control freak (before ddays), I am not very good at mind control. I am a very passionate person and live by my emotions. The hardest times are when I first come to consciousness in the morning and *it* is already there. I feel like screaming. I mean can I at least wash my face and brush my teeth before the A thoughts storm in.

I have been getting so much good advice here and I think I am just at this stage. The one thing that is different is the extent of his "indiscretions". He even admits that it is extreme. (I challenged him to find another's profile on SI as bad as his...he hasn't yet!). So I have no guidance as to whether this is salvageable or not.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I have no guidance as to whether this is salvageable or not

I know.

But dont even think that far ahead, Shirley.Just focus on the now. This day.This week. Hey, be reckless..go for 2 weeks!lol

(((((Shirley))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey shirley,

the one thing a control freak can not control at all is her/his own mind. So you're in good company here with the rest of us recovering freaks.

I hope whatever procedure you're going through is ended and will be effective.

bT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya'll know that I haven't been reading much lately, but I did pop in for a sec and noticed Shirley's post of your H's A's.

If it helps any, here's my H's story in a quick version.

We've been married 21 years. It was almost 20 years on Dday. His A's lasted about 11 or 12 years. His first ow was in our home at times, with me working nights and our children sleeping in their rooms. His second ow (the LTA) lasted about 10 years on and off. And he was "caught" (but gaslighted his way out) twice in that 10 years and continued!!! Ugh. And don't think for a minute that I don't believe the possibility that there were probably more that I don't know about.
Just wanted to tell you that b/c I think it is similar to your H's. I felt soooo alone in the beginning. If I can't do anything else here on SI, I want to keep someone else from feeling that way. And yes, it's the length that is the hardest to deal with.

He's remorseful and trying, as is your H. I'm still trying to cope. I'm still trying to find me again. I'm a different person almost everyday. But, I know there is an end to this, I'm just not there yet. I pray and pray. And I have faith that my prayers will be answered. But in the mean time I have to be patient. Sometimes I can be, other times I can't.

O.K. let's lighten this up some.
Today was a GORGEOUS day. Spring has sprung here. My azaleas bloomed beautifully this year. I have several bushes that have gotten pretty big through the years and are all along the front of my house. They were just beautiful this year. But, they've already lost their bloom. But all the trees have bloomed out and everything is green green green. I need to spend more time outside.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Shocked  Posted: 11:26 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Lost. I'm so sorry. I missed your birthday! This always happens to me when I'm off for a day. I miss all the good stuff.

Happy, happy birthday, sweet friend. You deserve all the best.

For a class A control freak (before ddays), I am not very good at mind control. I am a very passionate person and live by my emotions. The hardest times are when I first come to consciousness in the morning and *it* is already there.

Oh yes...I remember this well. When I was able to sleep, the eyes would pop open and the first thought was, "Oh no! I'm awake again."

the one thing a control freak can not control at all is her/his own mind. So you're in good company here with the rest of us recovering freaks.

Ain't that the truth! My mind is a chatter box--ALWAYS.

FSA, good to see you, hon.


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LostHeart - I can't believe I missed your birthday. I do hope it was everything you deserve but mostly that you took that day to escape the pain and just enjoyed your children and your H's attention. Happy, happy belated birthday!!!
Shirley, how are you today? It sounds like you've been through quite an ordeal. I absolutely hate when we are doing everything to get through our days and more pain (whether physical or otherwise) is piled on top of all of this. You sound like a fighter and that is a very good thing. It's what has kept me going through these 2 plus years and I think it is what helps us survive in the long run.
FSA - so good to hear from you. I think of you often and hope you are coping. Like you, my H brought the OW into our home and that is such a painful reality. Like you, I worry that there were more but I know he'd never admit to that either. I feel sometimes like I will never really recover from this - that no matter how well we are getting along, no matter how much my H tries to convince me that the LTA meant nothing, no matter how much he begs and pleads and changes and works to "win me back" the stain of his LTA will always be with me. He is forever "less than" in my mind and my heart.
We went away this weekend and had a lot of nice activities but they were clouded with thoughts of his LTA, his poor character, his years of lies. It seems the only time I am not thinking these thoughts is when I am with my friends or family. I can put him out of my mind and enjoy the moment. I don't know how OTC and BT do it - please give us your secret.
Shirley, you mentioned that your first thought when you wake is about your H's history. I know this to be true too but what really bothers me is that it I sometimes can't even escape this in my sleep. This week I had several dreams about the OW. Where is our escape? Someone said this a while ago and I have often thought this myself - I WANT A LOBOTOMY!! I want to be free of these thoughts and feeling forever.
FSA - thank God for the spring, the flowers and the beautiful landscaping. I can't wait to get out there and work on my garden. It is so therapeutic! We planted pansies in purples and golds and they are so cheerful. They do lift the spirit.
Welcome to our newbies. I join the others in hoping you find some comfort here among us.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
alccecbjc
New Member
Member # 18887
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new on line but find comfort in knowing what I've been feeling is common with all of us - 1 1/2 years later I'm still in shock. h seems to be moving on and going about his life - I'm just now starting to be able to function on a normal level - the anger is still intense

Does the shock ever go away .It feels at times the only way to work on our marraige is to forget about the affair as if it didnt happen. Otherwise i think how did you do this to me for 5 years. Uck bad day and bad weekend . It was my 22 anniversary and all i could do is think about the A, dumb things like were they together near or on my anniversary did he think about her and wish with her, it was a trigger weekend. We renewed our vows a year agou next weekend so i said we will need to celebrate that one. It does to me too fell he is just moving on. We are reading a book called 5 love needs and it talks about them compartamentalizing things ane we dont maybe that is how they do it and just move on.


[This message edited by alccecbjc at 8:01 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


Me: BS 44
Him: 50
Married: 24 yrs, 5 yrs LTA
D-day:12/29/06

Kids: 20, 16, 9
Grace wins
Grace is not getting what we deserve
Mercy is getting what we Don't deserve


"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of


Posts: 10 | Registered: Mar 2008
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no matter how much he begs and pleads and changes and works to "win me back" the stain of his LTA will always be with me. He is forever "less than" in my mind and my heart.

Fnf - this is it exactly. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at him again without disgust. There is no part of his body that doesn't make me think about him and all the OW. There were so many and he did it all with them. The HB stage for us ended with dday #2 and we are not having sex. Despite my desire, I don't want to have sex with him it is too intimate and I think will set me back even further. I certainly don't want to have an affair so what do you do?

I told him last night that there is no part of him that is left that is special to me. I used to love his hands - he has beautiful hands. Now I think about where those hands have been and how he used them to bring pleasure to others and I want to . I don't even want him to fucking touch me with those hands. I could go on and on but you all get the idea.

He is remorseful and I believe he will never do this again but who cares? What is done is done and the damage to me is irreversible.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Despite my desire, I don't want to have sex with him it is too intimate and I think will set me back even further. I certainly don't want to have an affair so what do you do?

Shirley - this is a dilemma for all of us I think. HB'ing was a great period but lasts such a short time. When we get over that stage we are left with all of our pain and the reality of what they have done to us. My H said some very hurtful things to me to justify his LTA. He tries to take them back now but they will be with me for a very long time.
However, and this is a big however, I have my needs and these needs had been denied for years during his LTA and I will not allow myself to suffer celibacy again. So, as strange as this may seem, I demand a sex life from my H now. I force thoughts of his betrayal out of my mind during sex in order to satisfy my needs and I am sometimes successful in keeping them out of my mind for a short time afterward so that I can enjoy a much-needed cuddling period that helps me to feel better about us. Actually, since I am almost certain that he had no such cuddling time with the OW since he had a time constraint, I do believe this is something exclusive to our lovemaking.
I will not live without a satisfying sex life anymore. It is a matter of determination for me. Does this make sense to you? Believe me, it can work. I don't know if others can explain this better if they KWIM - I hope so because I believe with all my heart that in order for R to work, resuming our sex life is a critical piece to recovery.
ETA - I thought you'd enjoy this little tidbit - I hope it brings a chuckle from you. To explain what I mean, I will relate a story from our early stages of R.
Initially I wanted nothing to do with my H sexually. I told him that if I decided to stay, he would have to accept that we would never again have sex. Of course, he agreed and said he would do whatever he needed if only I would stay. Then my desire took over. I laugh about this everytime I remember this day.
We were sleeping in separate bedrooms and it was a few hours after we had gone to bed. I couldn't sleep - I was horny
.
I charged into his room and startled him out of sleep screaming, "Get in here and fuck me." I laugh everytime I remember him stumbling out of bed and coming into my room trying to wake up and answer "my call." I have never changed this attitude (and I think he likes it! ) It is our RIGHT to have a satisfying sex life. They stole this from us for years and I believe it is our right to reclaim what was ours. This is IMHO anyway.
Hugs Shirley as you struggle with this - it is no small task to resolve.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 9:06 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Making one of my usual haphazard attempts to skim quickly through the LTA thread.

Lost- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Hope it was a good one. I'm so sorry I missed it. We'll have to float a birthday candle in your coffee if we ever manage to get together again! And 36? You're a mere child.

Shirley-Maybe the damage is irreversible, but honestly, you need to give yourself time. I'm crap at controlling my thoughts, too. I always laugh when people suggest putting aside certain times of the day to think about things and then stop when the time is up. "Oh, my ten minutes is up. Now I won't think about my H fucking some moron with no underwear for two years while I ran our fucking lives until my ten minutes tomorrow." Um, yeah, right.

And as for sex. Can't you just kind of use him for sex for a while? I actually got pretty good at that for a time.


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope so because I believe with all my heart that in order for R to work, resuming our sex life is a critical piece to recovery.

That's just it. I feel like I would be misleading him if we did. He would think I was feeling better about our chances than I do. I don't want to be intimate with him and then serve him papers. I am trying to make him see what a bad place I am in and that I may never recover from this. Having sex sends an entirely different message. It says "I trust you", "I love you", "I will open myself up to you" and I do not feel any of that right now.

I find it ironic that one of the biggest ramifications of his As is our sex life. It was pretty good. Now it is non-existant.

I am sorry. When did this become the "all about me" thread? Probably right about the time I was put on "couch rest" with a laptop and nothing else to do!!!

ETA: FSA - the sun is out, the birds are singing but everything here is still brown and wintry. I will close my eyes and listen to the birds.

First day without pain meds!!! yeah for me! I hate how sick and gross they make you feel. Percoset for Sale!

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 9:09 AM, April 7th (Monday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, great! Everybody else is working so I am going to have to watch "The View".


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shirley - I'm around but not having much fun either. I'm sure you're having a better time watching the View than I'm having getting our tax papers organized :) Even with an accountant, the paper work is


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I charged into his room and startled him out of sleep screaming, "Get in here and fuck me."

OMG - That is so funny! I think that is my Hs fantasy. That is one of the reasons I have him out in the loft over the detached garage. Too cold to go retreive him in the middle of the night!

Taxes suck! Just reviewed our stuff from the accountant. I have an MBA with a concentration in Finance and I just get to the point where I say "Yeah, whatever" and sign.

Thanks for letting me know you are around.

BTW, The View sucked as usual. Watched about 15 episodes of "flip this house" yesterday. If I can't get off this couch soon I am going to lose it!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too cold to go retreive him in the middle of the night!

The way I see it Shirley, when you're feeling up to it, you can tell your H there's hope once the weather gets warmer!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also playing catch-up with all the posts.

fnf, I also love the image of you yelling "come here and fuck me"--and I'm jealous that it worked for you!! My H sort of shut down for awhile, we did have a sort ofHB for a while, but then the guilt and remorse and his ED kicked back in, and now I don't ask for sex anymore,just wait til he thinks it will all "work".

This was starting to be a problem with him and us when his infidelity began (not to mention peri-menopause)--and I think it was a big part of why he chose the A--started with fantasies of having sex with her, everything got re-started by these thoughts of a younger, never-had-kids body--she was interested--chemistry and all that of a "new" relationship--and even though he says there were some problems with her, he sure performed on demand with her (or at least with prior knowledge that sex would be expected during his visits!!).

All I get is another tsunami of rejection feelings if I initiate and his body doesn't cooperate. So we do the cuddling and touching bit when we watch tv or whatever, and I wait and take what I can get--I'm getting old and I don't want to lose it if I don't use it!


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