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User Topic: Long Term Affaris - X
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - what a terrible day for you. I'm so sorry your H is being such a fucktard and that you had to sit through a movie that triggered you so badly. I wish there was something more I could do for you than just send cyber hugs but know that we are all here for you if you need to rant or vent or just get more of our hugs and support.
(((LH)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
runoverbytruck
♀ Member
Member # 11752
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life really is too short, as Iv'e been shown too often. Love while you can and let tomorrow take care if itself. Today is really all that matters.

Thanks for this, lovinlife.

I told them today about SIL getting a D, and explained that sometimes M dont work out. DD asked just how many H's are we allowed to get? And how many dads do kids get ever?

Oh dear God.

I called the lady he said he had had lunch with (with another man). I was shaking and I must have come out all pyscho, but I gave a ****. I told her who I was and asked her some questions about lunch today. To her credit, she answered them all and seemed like a straightforward lady.

Good on ya', Lost. I just had this conversation with my H today about not checking things out because I didn't want to BE embarassed or cause embarassment. I found an "odd" text message a year before d-day. I called her, but didn't say who I was. I should have just come right out with it. "Who the f**k are you?" is what I should have said and let her know I was very much a WIFE to him (contrary to what he was telling her). If I had, I may have shaved a year off the LTA! I told H I won't make that mistake again. I'll risk the embarassment--for both of us. But then I said, "No, I probably wouldn't even bother at that point."

Why do I have the feeling that your H will throw you under the bus with this lady? Tell her you're "crazy" like he told his boss way back when. I hope not. <<said with eyebrows raised>>

Yes the same one who was sent him the emails about how much she has to learn from him, and she cant wait to pick his brains etc.

Ah...there it is! The ego stroke. That's how it all starts. "You're so smart." Do they learn this stuff at whore school???

Lost, people do not have a right to be in your life. It's a priviledge that you grant those who are worthy of it. If your in-laws cannot treat you with respect and kindness, why bother with them at all? You don't HAVE to allow it. I've separated myself from some of my in-laws, and I'll tell you (with the exception of the LTA) alot of stress was removed from our life. If I had to deal with them on top of this--I'd be doomed.

yonks

What's this??? I like this word, Lost! I'm so using it!


LTA BS

If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's because it's fertilized with bullshit.

The best protection a woman can have is courage.~Elizabeth Cady Stanton


Posts: 6814 | Registered: Aug 2006
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah...there it is! The ego stroke. That's how it all starts. "You're so smart." Do they learn this stuff at whore school???

Ditto again. I like the way you nailed it. "The ego stroke". I couldn't put my finger on it but that is what I sensed.

Lost - hopefully, you are sleeping peacefully. In the morning, I hope you feel better and have time to think this through. But so far you have:

Run, HS - 2
Your H - 0


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:57 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.
Thank you Shirley for holding my hand, and Fnf and Run as backup!

I did manage to sleep, and although I am feeling a little better, I feel this quiet panic inside.

I'll risk the embarassment--for both of us.

Thats it, Run.Look where polite and nice got me?
My Ic often tells me that I have learned to be quiet when I am distressed, Ihard to believe huh?)and I let things build too high that way, that if I tackle them straight on, it would make my life much easier, and also make me feel like I have more control.

And yes, I think he will throw me under the bus too. But I hope not.
It sort of backfired on him when he did that with boss and when I called the boss after. Boss said that if anything troubles me re. work, if theres anything that I am not comfortable with, to call him.

Re. the IL's, I need to quit whining and grow some balls.
My mum though will be the harder one to tackle. She is excellent on guilt trips, and getting us girls to do what she wants.So make that a huge pair!

YONKS?It means years and years, or forever. Like, "Its been yonks since I had crunchy peanut butter and jam on toast."
(Seriously....DD is allergic to peanuts, so I dont allow it in the house).

H is off to IC now.
To be a fly on that wall.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Morning everyone. I'm off to the gym for my first training session. H would so freak if he knew.

Why didn't I tell him though? Because I didn't want the "crap". Just like he doesn't tell me things so he doesn't hear the same. Guess on some level I feel guilty too. But I shouldn't.

H watched the whole Last Lecture on line last night. I watched part of it with him. At the end I got choked up, like I did the first time and went to hug H. We both held on tight and he turns to me and says something about Microsoft taking over our computer and when I laughed he said "when are you going to realize that we're just along for the ride here? We don't have any control." I just started to cry... AFter watching something so stirring, so inspiring and he goes and tells me that.

In that moment I realized that what I fear most IS going to happen and I just have to prepare myself for it. I'm going to get well and he's not. To save myself, I'm going to have to leave him. Somewhere down the road is that future.

So tonight is MC and I'm still going to ask why she let us go at each other like that. Why she didn't step in, why she doesn't have any suggestions and homework or exercises to help us stop it.

We're just so different and it only complimented each other because I debased myself. I let him run all over me and now that I'm not, we're butting head constantly.

Last night we brought up the board thing again. DD went out to get her acrylics fixed and H said if she can afford that, she can afford board, NOW. I asked if we'd decided on a dollar number and he said "didn't we say $200?" I mean that's what I suggested, but he never say "make it so" or I would have told her. I don't want to second guess here, but if he's not happy with that, then he needs to tell me.

Ah fuck, I hate this.

The other subject for MC is his lack of support on my work front. I got an email yesterday from Monster with a job offering. It was so over my head it looked like it was written in Greek. I told H and laughed, like I was qualified for that.

He told me to stick to purchasing "because that's what you know". I told him "you don't think I can do anything else?" He said "do what you know". Same thing that started the f'ng argument in MC last week. I just dropped it.

Hope you guys are better today. The weather is changing here and it was so nice yesterday, I got out and played in the dirt for a while. It felt great!


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - I am glad you got some sleep and are feeling better. Sometimes you just need to vent to get the toxins out!

I love that word -"yonks" - have never heard it before. Is it Aussie? We lived in Sydney for 9 months and never heard it used but that seems to be the origin of all weird words!

I am actually in the office this morning (gasp!) so am sneaking in to say hi. Will be back to the home office later and can blab more.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a meltdown.
a bad one.its been awhile since i had one of those.

he just now said that i wan to blame him for evrything, but he wil not accpet rsponsiblity for something that he's not to blame.and he cant think of any of the events that happened in the past 2 days are related to him, for eg, the movie, its not his fault that i got upset with it.he is not resp for the movie. and if i have issues with his family, i should just tell them to leave me alone and not take out my anger with them, on him. its not his fault. i have issues. i blame him for everything. i go crazy and it doesnt matter what he does, i will still go crazy (in response to how could he sit there and carry ontyping on his keyboard when i am on the floor crying and rocking and the kids upstairs)

guess the good H is gone and the bad one is here.

he will say the same to me, i guess.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he just now said that i wan to blame him for evrything, but he wil not accpet rsponsiblity for something that he's not to blame.

<excuse me> BULLSHIT!!! Is he fucking kidding. Let me parse this for him.

the movie, its not his fault that i got upset with it.he is not resp for the movie.

Yes it fucking is his fault. If he had kept his dick in his pants we wouldn't all be triggering all over the place. You wouldn't be crying at the movie if he hadn't done what he did.

if i have issues with his family, i should just tell them to leave me alone and not take out my anger with them, on him. its not his fault.

It may not be his fault how they act, but it is his family and he needs to stand by your side and support you when you need him to. If they sense that he isn't 100% behind you, they will take advantage of that. "Forsaking all others" means ALL other including family.

(note: I had to take a break for a client call for one hour in the middle of composing this so if somebody else has already said all this - sorry! )


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back in SI. Wow. There is so much to read!! I’ve not been away as in away from home, just been doing other things, what with end of term and H taking a few days off.

BUT. LostH. I don’t know what’s been going on with you, but it seems it’s not good. I cannot get where your H is (or rather is not) coming from. Whatever "it" is, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. NOT. OKAY??? If you want to chat (doesn’t matter, I’m in tonight), text/ring me. I’m here in the same time zone even if it is a couple of hundred miles away. If you want to blub down the phone, that’s fine by me.

It’s too daunting to try and catch up now, but I’ll have a damn good try, in bite size pieces, before the next abode is chosen and decorated!!

Hugs to everyone in here. Wandering back to the piano bar for a G&T.

BTW. FWH had red rimmed eyes the other night. I had spent a good hour piano playing and getting the rust out of my fingers by doing the usual sort of repertoire where I don’t have to think too much. I finished, went into the lounge, saw his face and asked him if he’d been crying. Which he had. It was because I couldn’t play after DDay. I’m not good by any stretch of the imagination, but it was my relaxation and therapy and I just couldn’t do it. I’d sit down and stroke the keys and the lacquered lid and then walk away. My beautiful Yamaha. I didn’t play a note for maybe six months. He even took that pleasure away from me. So it was a kind of exquisite pain for him to hear me the other night. Ah well. Just thought I’d share a “moment of healing”, us reaching out and finding each other.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 1:52 PM, April 11th (Friday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((LH)) Honey you know there will be an upswing soon. I hate those hypersensitive spirals.

UK - Good for you. I still can't do some of the things I did pre Dday, like listen to music. But H did say the first time he heard me really belly laugh, he got choked up... hadn't heard that for 1+ years.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, so I got on to say something completely OT.

My trainer is going to kill me. He's a really sweet guy and kept asking me if I was ok like ever 5 minutes. I told him I'm the type person who if you say "give me 20" I'll give you 20 even if it's hurting or I can't breathe. So he immediately cut everything by 5 reps figuring I was going to die right there on him.

Then I came home and went to the flower warehouse and bought a flat of pansies and cleaned out two gardens and planted them... my therapy for the week.

I also applied for a job, full time doing what I had been doing before. The job looked like they took my resume and posted it. I told H and he says "no one said you had to go back to work now." Just this morning I told him he made it sound like we were going to be living in a box under the interstate if I didn't get a job soon, and even though I know that's not true, I caved to the pressure.

Hey, no saying they're even going to call me and if they do, whether I'll get the job or want it.

Now it's time to shower off and wait for DS to call. He's coming home for the weekend because he and the GF broke up again. He says this is the last time, he's done. Tired of her not talking to him, getting mad when he says something reasonable (she was going to sell her car, which would be fine but she has to get back to Connecticut after school is over... with no transportation. He said maybe she should wait until she gets up there and settled first.)

Of course then he told me he came back from class and she had moved out. I said "moved out of where?" -- His apartment. He was living with her.... full time. I kind of suspected she was spending nights there, but he said she moved in after winter break)

Fine with me... he doesn't need the drama at 20.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah...there it is! The ego stroke. That's how it all starts. "You're so smart." Do they learn this stuff at whore school???

They must. It reminds of an e-mail I discovered from early on in H's A from OW saying, "Oh, I do love to hear your stories even though I don't understand your legal jargon ."

guess the good H is gone and the bad one is here

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde...((LH))...not your fault and don't let him convince you otherwise.

I'm liking that word yonks too as well as fucktard.


We're just so different and it only complimented each other because I debased myself. I let him run all over me and now that I'm not, we're butting head constantly.

That was some of the dynamics in our M too, weepy, pre-A days. It's tough for them to deal with the power shift. In our sitch, I do believe it was what lead to the A.

Good luck with the trainer. Is he cute? Maybe that's what I need to get my lazy arse motivated again.

[This message edited by Steelergal at 2:29 PM, April 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
Steelergal
♀ Member
Member # 13113
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two of our children lived a good distance from home and more often than not I would take off to spend time with them on my own.
I remember planning a trip to Europe (my son lived abroad at the time) and my H came to me and said he'd like to go with me. I looked at him and said, "You're not invited." I had gotten so used to doing things on my own that he started to feel like a burden and a spoiler to my lifestyle. When he came along, he complained, or wanted to do or not do the things I enjoyed and I had much more freedom when I went alone.

I'm still playing catchup, but this really resonated with me as well. I often did things with the two older kids alone when they were little, and it got to the point where it was just more fun to be w/o H rather than with. We took trips back east to visit my family. H has gone only one time in 21 years with us. At first it was a financial issue, but it became and still is now my haven.


Posts: 701 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: No Cal
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck with the trainer. Is he cute?

Nah, not at all. I haven't had much luck in that department. I picked him because he's had 2 back surgeries and is still walking. He's only a couple years younger than me.

I had gotten so used to doing things on my own that he started to feel like a burden and a spoiler to my lifestyle. When he came along, he complained, or wanted to do or not do the things I enjoyed and I had much more freedom when I went alone
.

The first time I read this I thought that it wasn't true because I was afraid to make a move without him. But I realized that even though if it was a family event, we waited for his highness to or waited dinner every night, as far as doing things, like field trips with the kids, etc. I didn't wait on him.

And I do remember the nights when he wouldn't be home as being way easier. I remember wishing he'd get a hobby and get out of the house more often. The nights he plowed snow were best.. he'd be gone for 24 ours at a time.

Like I've said before, I should have left him then.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey UKGirl, good to "see" you....have missed you during your absence. Wow! you play the piano too? I saw your post in JFO about your H barging into the loo - I LMAO reading that!

Steelergal - here's a winner phrase for you:

My H has been a fucktard for yonks!

ETA: still looking for the origin of the word yonks...really want to know...

[This message edited by hurtshirley at 4:44 PM, April 11th (Friday)]


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has been a fucktard for yonks!


Yea! A new LTA survivor mantra!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost - sending you some extra hugs today. I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I know you know you'll be on the upswing (hopefully very soon) but while you're down, please keep posting and don't be afraid to ask for all the hug and support you so freely give. We love you LH!


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In that moment I realized that what I fear most IS going to happen and I just have to prepare myself for it. I'm going to get well and he's not. To save myself, I'm going to have to leave him. Somewhere down the road is that future.

Weepy, what's going on? You seem to be saying this more often these days. Is this a kind of "plain of lethal flatness" phase or are you seriously thinking this lately? I am hearing a kind of resignation in your posts and I am wondering if this is just a short term downslide or are you seriously considering this?
If you need to talk, you have my number, PM me or maybe just let us know if any of us can help.
(((Weepy)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everybody check out my new sig line!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, April 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW - here it the answer to my question. I love google.

You would indeed have to be from Britain or the Commonwealth to know yonks, since I don’t think it’s found in the USA at all. Everyone is as puzzled as you are by this curious word, which appeared in Britain in the 1960s with no apparent link to any other word in the language. It usually turns up in the phrase for yonks, for a long time.

Many people have told me that they have been told, or assume, that it is a corrupted form of aeons. Others say that they have heard it is formed from “Year, mONth, weeKS”. These are intriguing and highly inventive speculations, but I suspect strongly that they are the usual well-meant attempts at finding an origin where none is known. The second origin is too convoluted to be at all plausible.

A few reference books suggest that it might be a clipped version of donkey’s years, also meaning a long time. This sounds quite daft on first hearing, but if you think about it, you can see how the onk of donkey might just have been prefixed by the y of years, perhaps as conscious or unconscious back slang. Another way of looking at it is that the source was a spoonerism on donkey’s years — yonkey’s dears, from which yonks arose by clipping. It’s only a theory, mind — nobody knows for sure one way or the other.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

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