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Emotional Affairs

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reallylost posted 4/25/2008 08:41 AM

I feel like all of you are in my head...translating all of these confusing thoughts...I just want to move on! I want to physically hurt the ow! I want closure, honesty, and my relationship back! I feel like I am going to lose it today. I have to work, I hope I don't have to step up and be brilliant today.

confusedbythis posted 4/26/2008 13:20 PM

What about a situation where he feels like he is a "hero" to the OW? Apparently she has a drinking/substance abuse problem. I know about his need to "help" people (you should hear sometime about his merry band of "crazies" he calls his friends! ) But after his two PA's from years ago...I NEVER thought he would put our relationship at risk for this type of relationship!!!

I have asked for NC since the day I found out (6/10/07- my dad's bday, no less). He broke it in July, August and September. Thought it was over and found out last month that they were STILL talking (who knows how often...) as of February.

Apparently, he STILL doesn't understand that trying to help her is effort taken away from OUR relationship!!!

I am at the end of my rope too...The wonderful work I am doing in IC is giving me the tools to figure out what I need and want in my life and it certainly is NOT this type of relationship!!! I just wish I could figure out why the heck I stay in it!!!


Lucky posted 4/26/2008 14:07 PM

We call that KISA syndrome. Whether or not it's an actual syndrome, I know Mr Lucky was a KISA.


tormentedsoul posted 4/26/2008 14:54 PM

I don't care how bad off she is, if his relationship makes you uncomfortable he needs to stop. even if there's not an EA, he needs to be open with you. I told my WW that anytime she's doing something that she wouldn't do if I was standing next to her, then she's crossing a line. Sounds like Mr. confusedbythis needs to figure out which is more important to work on, being a hero to you or to her

hang in there and don't put up with him going against your wishes

capri posted 4/26/2008 17:44 PM

What I'd really like to know is why so many of these men (I suppose women can have KISA, too) want to be a knight in shining armor to everyone but their own spouses?

This is something I'd discussed in a pm with a member here, and I know the two of us are not alone. He can't stand to hurt her feelings-- but he can hurt mine. He can't stand to say a word against her-- but he's said plenty against me.


Lucky posted 4/26/2008 20:24 PM

What I'd really like to know is why so many of these men (I suppose women can have KISA, too) want to be a knight in shining armor to everyone but their own spouses?

The million dollar question. I sure wish I knew.

confusedbythis posted 4/26/2008 23:18 PM

KISA...glad to know it has a name...I think!

WH has spent the past 10 months, since DDay, trying to just sweep this away and make me feel like it is all my problem. As in "when are you going to get over this, CBT? It really is just no big deal..."

The closest I have gotten to him admitting that this relationship is not just "helpful to her" was about 6 wks ago when he said he did get something from attention, admiration, yada yada. (god forbid he is getting anything physical; at the rate we are going, I will get the whole truth in 2015)

It is just so frustrating- I am trying so hard to learn about my "part" and patterns of behavior in IC; he just seems to wait for me to get over it. No effort on his part at all...Not even a sincere apology...Still tells me "I just don't see why you are all worked up- she is just a friend..."


2yrsinthedark posted 4/27/2008 00:06 AM

Yep I got a KISA too. Hell, I cant even get a decent NC ltr, I think he is afraid of upsettng her!!

Lucky posted 4/27/2008 15:21 PM

Hopefully everyone here has read NOT "Just Friends"??

It's an excellent book for those of us who have experienced EA's.

Of course Mr Lucky never read it, but I devoured it several times.

tormentedsoul posted 4/27/2008 20:05 PM

"Not Just Friends" is available in my local library, you can check there if you don't want to spend the money on it.

capri posted 4/27/2008 20:09 PM

Of course Mr Lucky never read it, but I devoured it several times

Mr. Lucky was the ws? Do you mind my asking how things got better? I'm assuming he understood and admitted why ea's are wrong without reading a book?

I ask because this is among several final straws last December, the realization that Mr. Capri can't even be bothered to crack a book to save his marriage and make some amends. To me, that said this just isn't important to him, how this has hurt and affected me just isn't that important, and in the end, *I* am just not that important. But then, he is still acting as if this is not really that big a deal, and still will not call a 13 year secret friendship an emotional affair. (He sees how someone MIGHT think it was that, but says it wasn't.)

Lucky posted 4/27/2008 20:19 PM

Capri, he never read one damned book, and I kept SI hidden from him.

I did send a lot of articles from the Healing Library, like Josephs Letter, I just rewrote it for our situation.

I also sent him several links on EA's and the devistation they cause, he flunked the NJF EA quiz by a landslide.

BUT. It was his words and actions that put this mess back together.

He's done everything right since he went NC. (long story on that. )

Without realizing it I was doing parts of the 180, and he was very intrigued with this new lucky.

After being a wife and mom for nearly twenty years, I was so low on my own totem pole, and not even on Mr Luckys anymore.

Well... I changed that.

The 180 made me take care of myself.. and actually the kids liked the new me better too.

LiveLuvLaph posted 4/27/2008 20:34 PM

I got it, Capri.

He didn't see it as wrong so it wasn't. He didn't consider it to be any type of affair so it wasn't. He didn't think it was wrong what OW did, or didn't see how wicked her behavior is, so she is good.

We as the BS have a problem with "nothing" so we're the problem. And as a spouse,he saw my faults, knews what constituted a lovebuster to him, was not able to verbalize it or even expected me to do the behavior that was the lovebuster and I'm "bad" for it.

My H didn't know the extent of my "pain" so he minimized it. H says he thought my descriptions of the pain I was in were hyperbole(because he had never been through that kind of pain)

Thank God my H is finally getting it.

capri posted 4/27/2008 21:10 PM

Thanks, Lucky.

What was his response to your sending letters? When I have sent things in the past, I get vague and unsatisfying answers, or none at all. Typical of his response is when I said something a few months ago about how I can't trust him because he lied to me and 'moved his women to his work e-mail.' He sent a one-sentence answer that he did not move his women to his work e-mail. Well, it's a fact that he moved ow1 to his work account to continue hiding her and their relationship. His response to me pointing this out was that she was a woman, singular, not women plural. He only moved ONE womAn, not women, to his work account. Notice, he never actually addressed the main point, that he had made himself untrustworthy.

So, I have largely quit sending him anything.

He fails the njf quiz based on only what I know for facts.

He didn't see it as wrong so it wasn't. He didn't consider it to be any type of affair so it wasn't. He didn't think it was wrong what OW did, or didn't see how wicked her behavior is, so she is good.

Very much so here, too. He simply doesn't consider it an affair. One of the things that really hurts, one of my several last straws last December when I finally quit sleeping with him because it left me feeling so cheap and used, was when, after years of criticizing me to ow1, he absolutely refused to say so mild a thing as that it was wrong of her to encourage a married man to lie to his wife. And yes, he has (or at least had) himself convinced I am/ was the problem to the extent that he actually got a psyche nurse at work to suggest perhaps I'm 'chemically imbalanced from being pregnant so often.' Of course. Because most women would be thrilled to death to find their husband has so many secret female friends and secret e-mail accounts.

Rant over.

trustagain posted 4/28/2008 07:44 AM


My WH is the same way he doesn't see what he did as wrong. He even went so far as to kiss her, but he said that it was only a short kiss - wtf???? He started to read "Not Just Friends" I don't think he ever finsihed it and he told me that it doesn't really apply to him. He said he never talked about our relationship with her. No Sh*t - b/c you didn't tell her you were even married.

Well he is in for a rude awakening b/c I told him I am done - thats it - its over. I am going to take him for everything I can - If it comes down to filing for D I will file for adultery and pull the skank into court. I have all the emails and phone records - he has no clue what he is in for.

Lucky posted 4/28/2008 18:14 PM

Oh Capri, he thought I was "dwelling" on it to much.

Yes dear I did. He brought it in, got out of it, and I got to deal with the fall out.

So, yeah, I "dwelled".

tormentedsoul posted 4/28/2008 20:12 PM

I think the hardest part of an EA is the WS not owning up to what they did was wrong! That's about all I got out of our MC, she asked my WW some pretty straight forward questions and she knew by her answers that she'd crossed a line.

Lucky - I love your tag line "the other fruit juice" awesome!

Lucky posted 4/28/2008 20:18 PM

tormentedsoul, there is a story behind that.

tormentedsoul posted 4/28/2008 23:15 PM

please share, inquiring minds are dying to know (at least I can get truth from you )

2yrsinthedark posted 4/29/2008 21:12 PM

Today is WH's b-day. He is at work for 24 hrs. I am so worried OW will call him. (especially since they broke NC last month.) I asked him if she has called. Of course he said no. Of course I believe everything he says so Im not worried.

tormentedsoul posted 4/29/2008 23:34 PM

hang in there, when we let our minds wander, it's the worse, because we have no proof for or against something.
I'm hoping that work keeps him busy and he's maintaining nc for both of you

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