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Emotional Affairs

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capri posted 5/6/2008 11:46 AM

She has no reason to ask advice from this man. This is also my husband's excuse for continuing and hiding his relationship with ow1-- that he was just asking advice (about me, about our marriage, etc.) It's an excuse, plain and simple.

tormentedsoul posted 5/8/2008 00:08 AM

I think that a big reason that we have such a lack of trust for our ws is that they don't really admit they were wrong and until they do, we won't be able to trust they won't cross the boundary again with someone else. Anyone else feel this way?

capri posted 5/8/2008 08:55 AM

TS, you've nailed it. I've said this to fwh over and over. If it's no big deal, why wouldn't you do it again????

I think his answer was because he now knows how much it hurt me, but come on, he says he hid her in the first place because he 'knew it would upset me.' Honestly, I was a much more loving wife THEN and he didn't care about hurting me. Why in the world would he care now?

trustagain posted 5/8/2008 11:22 AM

I am going through the same thing. The other night WH and I were talking and he said that I make him give up all these friendships due to my inability to trust him. I once again stressed that any secret friendship is not a friendship of this marriage. I also said to him that if he doesn't want to be married and live by the vows he took then fine - leave the marriage - I will not hold him back and live like this.

He said he hasn't spoken with OW and that when I found that they were on a private forum website talking he said that was a set up (to see if I was still snooping) Well I blew my lid - he is such a liar I can't stand it.

I too asked him how do I trust that this will not happen again. He still thinks that he can be "friends" with women and he admits to crossing the line with this last one, and that would never be an issue again.

He is also great at trying to turn all of this on me - the way I raise the boys, the way I complain about his drinking, etc. I finally told him that I don't want to hear that bullshit. He did it - he got caught and he either fixes it or leaves.

I can't get it through his thick skull that the "relationship" he had with her was wrong and if I hear "we were just friends" one more time I am going to have to be admitted to the looney bin.

capri posted 5/9/2008 19:47 PM

If he's keeping women secret, he's giving you good reason not to trust him. He doesn't want to understand that?

I believe they DO understand it, but it's all part of the game they play, trying to convince themselves they're really not such bad guys.

justthewife posted 5/9/2008 21:57 PM

We have been in MC for 3 months now. H was doing great. I truly felt he was remorseful and always answered my every question. Even our MC thought we were doing great.....

And then the other shoe dropped! I found out my H checked out a site called "cheating ways". It was a "pop up" he says. He CHOSE to click on it and then became "curious" about a site called There he became "curious" to know who in our area might be on it. WTF!! So he filled out a profile but stopped before hitting send because "God" told him how much it would hurt me again. I have a keylogger program on his computer - so I aready knew!!!! I waited for him to come to me but he never did.

Once I confronted him with the evidence, he had the nerve to be mad at me for not applauding that he CHOSE not to complete the application and send it. I am so hurt. We are back to square 1.

My MC's (husband/wife team) plan to confront him this Tuesday. They say I have every right to feel betrayed. He never should have clicked on the "pop up" in the first place. That was the RED LIGHT. He CHOSE to do it - and for what???

2yrsinthedark posted 5/10/2008 08:40 AM

Expecting praise for not going further?? How typical is that?? You didnt tell him about the keylogger, did you?? Just continue monitoring, Im so sorry.
I wonder how he would feel if you just got into that web site, cuz you were curious?

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:42 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]

reallylost posted 5/14/2008 12:25 PM

Been kind of quiet here for a while...hope all of you are coping well. I seem to be today. I actually am starting to feel sorry for my h. today. I think he is having nc with ow1, 2, or 3...He sees and comprehends some of what this has done to me...I don't think he can fully understand, who can if they haven't experienced it? I asked him the other night if he could put himself in my place and be so totally and completely blindsided by this situation, could he trust me after he thought everything was ok and then to find that I was emotionally involved with 3 other men and shared with them things that I won't share with him? I don't think even saying that, could he, because somehow his love for me has diminished and it wouldn't be as hurtful...I think he has been dissatisfied with our marriage , but I don't know if that was to excuse his betrayal or before..What do you all think? Does this just happen so easily and leave this much they convince themselves that their relationships are broken so they are searching for something else. I have mentioned before that my h was never an outgoing guy and had in the last 2 years lost over 100 lbs. All of his ow relationships started then also. Maybe they showed a little attention and he was so ready to flex his new esteem that he just fell on the slippery slope. I do this all day..try to figure it out...he still won't tell me any details or why to my satisfaction..maybe he won't ever. Come on ea survivors, tell me that our relationships can recover...tell me that they really love us ..they just made a mistake. I wish I knew the answers, I need to know the answers...does he really want to be here? should I want him too? I feel so drained all the time and he is starting to look worn too. Can this be good?

TurnipTruck posted 5/14/2008 22:37 PM

My WW insists that EA's are something that I made up. She says its only an affair if you sleep with someone. She wont read anything I have given her about EA's.

I pointed out that no married person spend the night at a "friends" house every other weekend. Especially if that "Friend" is of the opposite sex. Her friend called here at least 10 to 15 times a day. He even threatened to confront me when I told him to get a life. Of course I said I'll do you one better and meet you on your porch. So she accepted a cell phone from her "Friend" thinking that was OK. He called her 15 times a day on the cell. I went to go to bed one night and found her propped up on the bed talking to him at 12:30 pm. I grabbed the phone and hung up, he called back and insisted to talk to her on HIS phone. I said I'll be more than happy to personally deliver his phone to him but he declined.

I told her that this is not healthy, it needs to stop or she needs to leave. She stayed for about 3 weeks. For about a month after that she came and went here at the house as if she never left. I told her that doesnt fly either. If Im not home then you dont enter.

Now she says she still loves me but that is just a line of BS. Each time I try to talk to her about our situation she is busy or says we'll do it later. Today I had to run to her place to pick up something so I made arrangements with the neighbor to keep an eye on our son so I could make the run. I arrived at the door as I said I would and she asked why I was there. I said well I told you earlier (I called her a half hour before I left work) that I needed to pick up his medication as he had forgotten it. I told her I had some time to talk since the neighbor was watching him. You should have seen the look on her face!! Talk!! NOW!! Oh I dont have time, I have to run an errand before work. I said you have 3 hours before you have to be at work and nobody I know runs errands in their night shirt. Well well well..I said fine just give me the meds, I'm leaving I guess you'll just have to talk to my attorney. Suddenly she was all talk, I said thats OK you have errands to run and left.

After all, EA's are just something I made up you know!!

tormentedsoul posted 5/15/2008 02:59 AM


Come on ea survivors, tell me that our relationships can recover...tell me that they really love us ..they just made a mistake. I wish I knew the answers, I need to know the answers...does he really want to be here? should I want him too? I feel so drained all the time and he is starting to look worn too. Can this be good?

I think they can recover, as I've said before, the EA is kind of the elephant in the room we just don't talk about. We're getting along and do things together all the time. Either it's working out or she's really gone deep under ground. I'm hoping for the former and prepared for the later. Wish I could tell you more, time will tell!

tormentedsoul posted 5/15/2008 02:59 AM

some how a double posted.. sorry

[This message edited by tormentedsoul at 3:00 AM, May 15th (Thursday)]

tormentedsoul posted 5/15/2008 03:07 AM


You should have seen the look on her face!! Talk!! NOW!! Oh I dont have time, I have to run an errand before work. I said you have 3 hours before you have to be at work and nobody I know runs errands in their night shirt.

I was expecting you to tell us that the guy was there. which is why she was in her night shirt and why she didn't want to talk.
my advice, start looking for a MC and find one that knows and understands EA's.. only after you've found one that fits that bill (you should go see them on your own first) then tell your WW that it's either divorce or we go to MC and start working on patching things up!

And before I forget, the guy sounds like a piece of work, he knew you disapproved and had the gall to call up and demand to talk to your wife... wouldn't you just love to play against him in a "friendly" hockey game and crush him against the boards a few times?

If your WW has left the house and you have nothing in writing, it can be considered abandonment of the family and you should be able to get full custody, the house, etc!

Good luck and hang in there

TurnipTruck posted 5/15/2008 21:03 PM


I have been playing this game for a year..I have come to expect it and more. As far as the POS OM goes he's all talk. I got the whole skinny on this guy and hes a real shit bag. He is however a good manipulator and my WW is very impulsive.

I have given her 3 options two of which involve ending our marriage and one (counseling) that gives us an opportunity to give it the old college try. To date she has avoided any discussion about either option. As far as I go, essentially I have been "without" for over a year. I admit there are times when I think I gotta have it or I'll explode the end nothing has fallen off and I remain faithful. However, recently I have increased the pressure to make a decision as I am not willing to let this drag on any further. Its getting old and I am getting bored with it.

Yes, in my mind, I would like 5 minutes alone with this fool. His mouth writes checks his feeble ass cant cover. But nothing will come of it but me in jail and then she gets the kid...Nope aint gunna happen..

However, if ever he happens to show his face and run his mouth, then all bets are off.

I may just drop the gloves, yank the jersey over his head ,and show him my best Bob Probert impersonation.

ThatGhostIsMe posted 5/16/2008 13:55 PM

I guess I'm in this club too. I'm not really happy about it, though.

I'm not ready to talk much about it - D-day was in January & I thought I was doing much better but there are some nagging doubts I just can't let go of. I feel like every time I talk to WH about it I end up with more questions, not fewer. I feel like I'm dragging the truth out of him, piece by piece, and that makes me feel like he's picking & choosing what to tell. I *almost* believe him that it was never a PA - she lives in another state & they met on a business trip, and supposedly he didn't develop feelings for her until after he returned home - but there's always that doubt. And it makes me doubt everything he's ever told me - things that I thought I could take for granted.

Anyway, I'm really glad I found this site. Even though I'm not really feeling comfortable venting my spleen just yet, reading other people's experiences & the advice & support given them helps a lot.

cantwigglemytoes posted 5/16/2008 15:11 PM

I am virtually positive that the EA was also a PA. WH will NEVER admit it and it is a HUGE road block for reconciliation. He is scared I will leave and no matter how much evidence I have or how much the stories dont add up, he will not confess.

I am stuck! How do you rebuild trust when WH is still lying?!

2yrsinthedark posted 5/17/2008 23:28 PM

I can so relate to all of you. WH denies everything that I know in my gut is true. He either denies or doesnt say, it drives me crazy.
I am also writing because I need your thoughts on this. Im a bit embarrassed so bare w/ me. I was feeling a bit playful, i guess is the word, today. I sent WH a sexy text. His response was less than romantic lets just say. I didnt do this to test him in any way or for any reason but to have some fun. Well now Im all upset. All that came to mind is that he didnt have any problems sending her sexy texts or having online sex! Neither one of us meant to start anything, but I cant help but feel rejected. Will these feelings and triggers ever stop??

trustagain posted 5/19/2008 09:22 AM

2yrs - I feel the same way - he could text OW hundreds of times over a one month period - and I get one word replies.

I smack myself for even trying to text him or ask anything of him.

This morning I texted him something sexy and I got "sure" in return.

Like you know I am disappointed and hurt.

I think it all comes back to my feelings that he should be kissing my arse for what he did and he has just moved on.


tormentedsoul posted 5/20/2008 00:39 AM

So the other night we're at dinner and my daughter made a joke about my trustworthiness and that my wife was more trustworthy than I. I said "you really think so?" and my wife spouted in... there's no one more trustworthy than your dad... I think we're making progress

jolene posted 5/27/2008 07:05 AM

Hey, I didn't know they'd started an EA thread! Yay!

My WH was involved in an EA for several months with a former coworker. I don't know if it ever got physical, but he sure as hell lied to me about her, and many, many times. This was a double betrayal as well since I counted this ho as a friend.

Some instances of her stepping over the lines of friendship-- when WH and I started MC, she offered nicely to ATTEND A SESSION to tell the MC what was going on between her and my husband! I nearly died when she told me that.

Another sweet gesture on her part: she'd make a list of "eveverything he doesn't like about you," so we could work on that! How nice!

I know he went waaaay over the line in the things he said about me, about our sex life, about everything. I think he created this whole fantasy around this woman, who let him take the place of her husband who was out of the country working. They're quite the pair.

I was all about getting this 3rd wheel out of my marriage. But WH could not see that she was in the way. He would not give her up, even though he repeated over and over that she was just a friend.

Long story short, she moved out of the country to join her BH about a month go, around the time I filed for divorce. Filing got Wh's attention, and OW's too. OW's husband is a total wimp, he doesn't seem to know what to think about my WH's relationship with his WW. So there is no pressure there on her side.

Right now my WH is kicking himself for having lost it all for a "friend". He is making R noises at me, but I know he's still in touch with her. And he knows that going NC with her is the only way he'll ever get even a millimeter near Ring with me.

As for her, my former friend? For me she no longer exists. She is married, she isn't stupid, and I told her several times to drop dead and get out of the way. She always played it like I was the problem, I was forcing my WH to go towards her. Only once did she ever say she was sorry for her actions, but then Wh lied to me again about seeing her one last time, so I sort of hate them both.

They sooooo deserve each other. This EA thing, the constant lying, man, it has killed any respect I ever had for my WH. I like to think that if WH had truly fallen in lurve, I could maybe swallow it. But to throw it all away like that for someone who isn't even here anymore? He's a moron.

Listeningclosely posted 5/27/2008 22:41 PM

Making my first venture into ICR-land. Nearly one year since D-Day and NC established, I guess it's about time I opened myself up in here.

For those that are looking for hope, I can offer some. Through the powerful support of my BW, I have escaped the darkness of my EA and feel our M building strength every day. As a FWH, I am happier and happier with our M and where I am right now in life.

2yrsinthedark posted 5/28/2008 20:09 PM

Do your WSs ever talk about A if you dont bring it up. My WH will not touch the subject if I dont. I have told him several times that when he sees me upset or when he just knows Im thinking about it, he needs to come to me, hug me, tell me he is sorry. The other day I saw a name on his calender on OW birthday. I asked him, and he says he just didnt know what it meant. I left it at that, but it sure as hell bothered me and he knew it!! But he didnt say a word. It took about a day and I finally blew. I told him how I felt, but he doesnt seem to understand the constant reassurance I need. Its all so frustrating.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:10 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

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