Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
'just friends' my ass
going to church doesnt make you a christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car
My XH had an online EA throughout our entire relationship (pre-marriage and after), and managed to pretty much hide it from me over a period of 5 years. As you can imagine, I'm struggling with this. I didn't have a place like SI when it originally happened, and during the years I've been so busy trying to get my life back into order that I haven't had time to grieve. I'm doing that now. It's very hard. I sometimes feel like I'm going crazy.
It doesn't help that an EA is treated "differently" than a PA. A lot of people tell me that "cybersex isn't cheating", that an EA "isn't as devastating" as a PA - the hell it's not. My XH was sharing intimacies with another woman - things that he should have shared with me!
I'm flip-flopping right now between extreme sadness and anger. I really do feel like I'm going mad.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. Thanks for listening to me.
I feel the same way sometimes...that ea's aren't treated the same as pa's...I can't fathom hurting anymore than I have experienced..the betrayal and feeling that intimate thoughts and discussions maybe about me and my children happened..
I am so glad that you have si now to help you through what I have found to be a long journey...
He refused to even consider the fact that what he'd been doing was an affair, for ages. And I wasn't even entirely sure myself, at first, 'cause like you said, it's supposedly 'not really' an affair if there's no real life sex... yeah. Sure.
My only major regret is that I was never able to find contact information for WOW's BH. It's far too late now, but I'll always wish I'd been able to alert him to what his cyberslut of a wife was doing to him.
[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 7:37 AM, July 14th (Monday)]
A lot of people tell me that "cybersex isn't cheating", that an EA "isn't as devastating" as a PA - the hell it's not. My XH was sharing intimacies with another woman - things that he should have shared with me!
I've always said that I would be far more devastated to find that my H had become emotionally involved with another woman than I would to find that he'd had sex with another woman. Now, I can't say for sure that it's so, since my H's A was strictly an EA, but I can say that since D-day I've done a lot of thinking about "possibilities" - so that if something else came out later I'd have already explored my feelings about it - and I honestly don't think I'd care if my H said he'd had sex with someone else in the past at this point.
When we were talking after D-day, I reminded him about what I'd said in the past & said, "You went there." I told him I wished he'd just screwed her when they were out of town on business together, because it wouldn't have made it hurt any more than it already does.
Of course, fwh didn't tell the mc the whole truth (I only found out later, too), that they weren't co-workers, that he was driving to her work. But the mc wasn't interested in the facts that these coffee dates went on for probably at least 2 years, quite regularly (2-4 times per month), that they were discussing very personal things, that fwh was lying to me for years about where he was, or even the facts that fwh was buying this woman coffee for years when he never once took me out on a date that whole time.
Sorry, but if it looks like a date, and quacks like a date, so to speak, it's a date. My so-called husband was dating another woman for at least two years, and a marriage counselor says no problem! UNBELIEVABLE!
Ghost, I feel the same. I think it would hurt far less to find out he'd slept with her when we were separated. But in my situation, I truly feel that even now, he was and is, emotionally speaking, married to ow1, not to me. He has said many horrible things to me and about me to other people. Even now, he won't say a word against #1. Not a word! He can't even bring himself to say that maybe all those hang-up calls right after the nc e-mail were her. Even now, she knows plenty about me that was none of her business, but he yells if I ask about her. Even now, I live with the fact that he moved her to his work e-mail 'to protect her' from me. Never once has he protected me from her or anyone else.
lemony, I think it's really sad that these counselors, and many other people, discount the damage an EA does. For instance, regardless of what you call it, every time fwh and I had an issue, he would never give an inch, but treat me like I was some horrible person for wanting whatever I wanted from him or the marriage (really ridiculous things, like to know where our money went, or to know that his family would behave when they visited ). I now understand that every single argument or disagreement we had was him and her against me. He'd go to her and she'd assure him (based on hearing half the story, of course, and not having to pay off his credit cards herself) that he was a great guy and I was in the wrong, and he'd come home bolstered, and we'd continue in the same pattern. To have three people in a marriage, to have two people working against one of the spouses, to have lies in a marriage-- those things are damaging regardless of whether they ever slept together. In fact, they're probably far more damagin than a one night stand.
Honestly, my opinion is this - even if he didn't "go that far" with all of the other women he spoke to, the seeds were there for things to get started, you know what I mean? Even if it hadn't been the OW, it would have been someone else, at least that's what I honestly believe in my case. He just felt 'entitled' to that behavior and wasn't going to stop for me or for anyone else.
At the very least, it was definitely inappropriate conversation. Some people don't consider typed descriptions of sex cheating - I do. If he really wanted to do those things, he could have written you... his wife... a hot love letter. Instead he chose to take it elsewhere. That's inappropriate behavior.