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Emotional Affairs

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thirdtimeacharm posted 7/18/2008 11:38 AM


Breathe, remember to breathe I am sorry this is happening to you again.

capri posted 7/18/2008 21:24 PM

reallylost, I am so sorry. Please take care of yourself.

2yrs, you ask a hard question. I have always felt that secrecy is a key component in whether a relationship is an affair of some sort. But you describe a situation where a man is being clearly inappropriate with other women, clearly taking time and attention and sexual interest from his wife and giving it to other women. I have no idea what I'd call it. Maybe I would call it an ea. But regardless of what you call it, it is horrendously wrong and disrespectful.

kaylie posted 7/19/2008 10:26 AM

My FWH's EA started as drinks and conversation one day - dinner, slow dancing and sex the second. She left his bed (he was on a business trip), went home, he called her, she returned the call, they met again the third day (non physical) and the rest is history - an intense EA with a sexual component that couldn't always be expressed because of the distance. He told me about the affair as soon as he returned home and even though I was shocked and hurt, I thought how wonderful that he had such a special friend because he said how he could finally express his spiritual side - which he couldn't with me as I am agnostic. He also told her things about our family that I consider extremely personal and I told myself that if he couldn't talk to me about those things that she must be special and that they must be soulmates - a thought process that my husband actively encouraged. The EA bloomed during the time that I thought I needed to be supportive of his need for her friendship/love of his life - I thought I was showing love for him by allowing his friendship to continue when all I was doing was killing my own self esteem. How could I compete with someone who instinctively knew how to relate to my husband - who was intelligent, funny, sexual? How could I possibly compete with a higher spiritual destiny?

Well - a little further down the time line and I said it had to stop - and by that time, my husband was in it up to his.... whatever. He was so emotionally attached, and I was such a basket case, that when he first went NC, I couldn't make myself emotionally responsive and I saw the pain he went through keeping up the NC. I thought that must mean that he loved her so much, so when she went through a rough patch (broken NC) where he was her KISA, I was right there rooting for them - what an idiot I was.

So there I was, in the mind set that he was going to live out the love of his life with her (I saw the emails), and he decides that it's me he wants and he goes strict NC with the letter and everything. Do I respond? No - I say I'm committed but am I really? No sex, no real change in how we relate.

So - then he messages on AFF and I find out - furious but I still stay with him and he finally stops all the shit.

And now I'm still shut down and find it impossible to be anything but friends, parents and roomates. He's getting frustrated about everything but I still can't cut him loose and he says he doesn't want to go anyways. And I can't cut myself loose because I would miss daily contact with him. I'm a mess!! EAs are hell!!

2yrsinthedark posted 7/19/2008 18:54 PM

Reallylost, Im so sorry. On my dday I read their IM that he forgot to delete, in there he told her how much he loved her and longed to be w/ her. It was the worst day of my life, I was devasted. Please hang in there, our hearts and prayers r w/ you. I know how much you must be hurting right now. Have you confronted him, if so what did he say?

I also want to thank everyone for your responses. I guess I always knew these relationships were out of line, but w/ his gaslighting, I guess he kept me in line. How stupid was I??

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 6:56 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

reallylost posted 7/20/2008 07:11 AM

I confronted him immediately..I couldn't not ...he left and I am so lost...are you reconciling? Tell me it is possible and something you can live with..this is so painful..he was telling them both he loved them and one was the most beautiful woman he has ever known in all ways...I called them at work and told one of them that I knew and had copies of chats and emails and if I didn't change my mind I would get them to their husbands..and told her about the other one..told her to tell her I knew and that I knew they had kissed..god I hate them..the one he kissed has been married 3 weeks and only 24! he is 38..I don't think I am going to make it through this ..tell me if you felt this way and what your outcome was..good or bad

wasfooled2 posted 7/20/2008 07:34 AM

I need to spend more time in here. I can't seem to remember to post!! My H had a very serious emotional relationship with a stranger he met online. It lasted almost two years from what I can gather. It was extremely devastating to know that my husband, best friend, and the man I had been with since I was 15 years old fell in love with someone else and carried on a double life for so long.

If any of you new folks ever need a shoulder to cry on or a place to vent, please know that you can PM me any time. I am here for you!!

[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 7:35 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]

2yrsinthedark posted 7/20/2008 08:28 AM

We are in R now. w/out MC, so we have many issues still between us. It has been a very hard year. DDay anniversary is next month, most of the time Im ok, but their are still some days when I feel like the very first day.
Just yesterday we had a converstation about it. Everytime we agrue, he has a tendency to make me feel like the bad guy and make me feel guilty and I always end up begging him to talk to me or apologizing, even when its his fault. I finally figured this out and I really try not to let him get to me. Well yesterday he tried it on me again. I finally told him to knock it off. I dont even know if he realized he did it. Anyway the reason i bring it up is because thats exactly how was able to keep his EAs going the whole time. By gaslighting me and making me feel like a jealous biotch every time I questioned him about his girlfriends. I would end up feeling so bad for not letting him have is "friends." and not "trusting" him. I had never told him that even now when he argues and he treats me like that, no matter what the agruement is about, it reminds me about how he treated me during the whole affair. I think I made him see it yesterday and I hope he changes his ways and takes responsibility for his own actions. So I think we will be ok, process is very slow and will take time. I figure he had a 2yr affair, so it might take that long or longer.

Autumn46 posted 7/20/2008 10:53 AM

Cari wrote:

And the kicker is, the more he withholds the the truth, I keep looking for it, and bit by bit what I'm finding out is that he threw it away for women who didn't even think that much of him even at the height of their 'friendships.' Poor fool.

Same here. Similar story, same reactions, same indifference.

Deja vu.

Demanda posted 7/21/2008 15:15 PM

I just found this and I am so glad! Our whole relationship he has had female friends, that I don't meet and he doesn't talk about to me. I have only found out accidentally. One of these accidents led me to discover a real attempt at a "real affair". I moved back in after only two weeks of separation. I have spot-checked his email, which always makes me feel guilty. I found one telling someone to come over 15 minutes after I had to be at work. It referenced that he had got the message. Problem is I have no idea who this person is. We are in couples counseling, but I am starting to feel like his small betrayals aren't being seen as the issue, my mistrust and loss of temper has become the focus. Sometimes I just want to give up and leave, but everything else between us is so good. It really sucks to feel this constant worry. I wonder if maybe it is me.

2yrsinthedark posted 7/22/2008 19:29 PM

Demanda, not you, definitly him. I was gaslighted for so long and he made me feel like the bad guy. What happens, he ends up falling for one of is female "friends" and also had online sex w/ one he hardly knew. You follow your gut.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 7:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

comingupforair posted 7/24/2008 09:19 AM

I am a part of this "club" my FWH had a 5 1/2 year EA with his ex-girlfriend. It was strictly an EA. It almost killed me.


Screaminginside posted 7/24/2008 10:02 AM

Anyone read that post in recon about "getting him to put down his baggage" and wish that there was something similar for our situation, the EA?

2yrsinthedark posted 7/24/2008 20:30 PM

Hi guys, I need HELP. OW called me today and told me that WH was trying to get a hold of her. She decided to do the right thing and not talk to him and let me know. I am so devastated right now. He told me that he misses her and wanted to start talking to her again. He doesnt know if he is still in love w/ her. But does know he loves me and wants to stay w/ me. Could have fooled me. Anyway, I had him write an NC letter, and we made an MC appt for tomorrow. He did it himself. And no, we hadnt been going. He has been apologizing since I confronted him, I told him that if he were really sorry, he wouldnt keep doing this to me. I am so heartbroken. How can we begin to R, if he still has feelings for her?? Please wish us luck, I dont know what to do right now.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:38 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]

tormentedsoul posted 7/24/2008 21:22 PM

at least the OW is doing the right thing and letting you know, sounds to me like she's not interested in him, which is good for you... bad for him.
hopefully, soon, he'll realize that she's a fantasy and not reality.
Let's hope for your sake, he figures it out before you leave him

hang tough, you'll make it

capri posted 7/26/2008 22:49 PM

Anyone read that post in recon about "getting him to put down his baggage" and wish that there was something similar for our situation, the EA?

You could try describing, as she did: Imagine that we've just made love, you're feeling close and loving, and I go downstairs... straight to the computer to send an e-mail to a man you've never even heard of. While you're drifting off to sleep, secure in my love for you, I'm downstairs, telling this man you've never heard of, what a neanderthal you are, how I worked hard all day, and you came home, ate dinner, let me wash the dishes by myself, and then pushed for sex until I gave in, even though I was dead tired.

Imagine that you kiss me good bye in the morning and head off to work, where you tell your co-workers you're a lucky guy. While you're doing that, I'm reading my reply from, let's call him Dave, telling me to stand up for myself and see you for the selfish bastard you are. And while you're agreeing to do some overtime, because you know I'd love a newer and nicer washing machine, I'm on the phone with Dave, telling him your breath stinks and that you wear the most ridiculous underwear.

You expect me home from work at five when I do the weekend shift. You get the kids to straighten up the house, telling them mom's had a rough day, let's be thoughtful of her, she works so hard, let's have the place looking nice.

You put dinner in the oven, thinking how pleased I'll be to come home to a hot meal. You've even bought my favorite brand of tea and ice cream with cherries for desert.

I don't come home... you're annoyed. You've been with the kids all day, and you'd love some adult company. The dinner is overcooking... the kids are asking questions about my whereabouts that you can't answer... now the dinner is getting cold.

You feed the kids, trying hard not to snap or say something mean about their mother when they ask for the fifteenth time, where is Mommy? Your annoyance turns to anger, and as the minutes and quarter hours turn to many hours, your anger turns to fear. You get the kids to bed. You try not to pace. You start wondering if I'm dead on the highway somewhere. You wonder if it's too early to call hospitals or police-- it's been many, many hours by now. It's 9 o'clock at night, and you're beside yourself with worry. You start cleaning up the kitchen and the living room, because the police are surely going to turn up at the door any minute to tell you what happened.

When I come home, I tell you I stopped for milk and filled the gas tank... for you. I tell you I was so exhausted after work that I took a nap on the way home. It could be. And now, on top of your hours of worry and fear, I've just let you know you don't even have a right to feel concern or fear. You're being ridiculous. I was doing it all for you, working so hard, and you're mad at me???

Eventually, of course, the truth comes out. While you were concerned about my safety, I was having drinks with Dave, telling him what a bastard you are.

How would your spouses react to that?

Screaminginside posted 7/28/2008 17:00 PM

That was great Capri!!

thirdtimeacharm posted 7/29/2008 09:29 AM

Emotional Affairs sometimes I wonder if I am second choice and he married me because she was already married....he could have his workwife and me at home doing everything else....well he did have it that way for 9 months...I also wonder if he is depressed because he doesn't have everything anymore....he asked for a divorce yesterday and today he said he can't imagine life without me....sorry thing is I am imagining life without him...

nyi103 posted 8/4/2008 11:30 AM

[This message edited by nyi103 at 11:36 PM, September 27th (Saturday)]

sportsfan posted 8/4/2008 19:26 PM

i suppose i'm old fashioned which is why i can't seem to understand; 1- why your W could be that way with another man / any man and 2 - how you could accept her being so sexually open with anyone other then yourself.
i hope you can find reason and understanding with this...but i don't hink i could.
really though, best of luck!

2yrsinthedark posted 8/8/2008 21:33 PM

recently found out that my WH tried to contact OW again. As you might guess I was devasted, I thought our R was going well. Well, he made an MC appoint. for us. (we started going after dday, but stopped after a few sessions.) Anyway, Im a bit frustrated w/ it. I guess the main thing about MC is trying to understand why it all happened. What went wrong w/ our relationship. (no excuse for the affair of course.)I can understand all of that but I'm wondering if its going backwards. The counselor wants to talk about our relationship, and I want to talk about my feelings right now and how to deal w/ them. I think we can get to the other stuff later. Right now, I think Im going nuts w/ the rollercoaster rides. And although it is WH's fault, I dont want to keep punishing him everytime I trigger. He doesnt know what to do either. He will listen, but he knows if he tries apologizing I wont believe him, if he hugs me or tells me he loves me, i wont think he is sincere. But, if he doesnt do these things I get upset because he is not trying to make me feel secure. Nothing he does is right, and I dont know what to do or how to handle it. I hope this makes sense. I need MC to help me cope right now, and then worry about what went wrong later. Am I right about this?? How do you guys feel?

g-hopeless posted 8/13/2008 12:41 PM

I have not read through this forum entirely so this may have been answered before. I am wondering how best to handle an EA that nobody wants to admit to? My situation is this. My wife had a full blown long term PA/EA with a close friend of ours. In the wake of the discloser that I had to play detective to confirm, my W turned to our closest friend who was the only one I had told. I understand her desire to have turned to him as I was largely emotionally unavailable and she feared repercussions of turning to me to work through everything. However, this brought their already dangerously close relationship to another level. They had always had a special bond. Our group dynamics were such that we always had blurred the lines of appropriate or typical friendship's but this OM's special attraction to and attention toward my W had always felt very non-threatening because of his relationship with me and what I felt I knew about my W as the most morally and ethically well-grounded person I had ever known. During her affair, however, as I started to feel shunned and abandoned, everything of course changed. I started off rather innocently asking him to avoid some of the special moments that he always sought to create with my W. This was repeatedly argued with and ultimately largely ignored, at least if I had my back turned it was. After the revelation of the affair I thought for sure he would give us the space I was asking for and set up more appropriate boundaries with my W who was obviously struggling to figure out how to do so. Instead, I felt that my requests which had turned to demands were still ignored. Ultimately, when I felt that all the same techniques that were employed to hide the affair were being used to hide this current relationship I again felt I had to become a detective. What I found was far more that I had even suspected. They were engaging in very sexually explicit and provocative talks on IM, plus whatever they were saying in their many many texts when they were away from the computer. When faced with the evidence she had to admit that she had stepped over the line. However, she says she did so without realizing it and would simply stop. She wanted to focus on my detective work and how offended she was by it. To this day my W obstinately objects to admitting that they were involved in an EA. I however am not stupid and know what love looks like, and they had fallen in love though I trust that it never went much further. I am confident that it would have if I had not stepped in. I have sworn off the OP for life and asked my wife to as well. After much kicking and screaming she has finally agreed to do so as well, though she insists on continuing a friendship with this person's W and refuses to acknowledge that I will never feel OK again about her having a relationship with him again in the future.

So my question is this. How, if at all, can I get my W to face what she created and take responsibility for why we will never be friends with this person again? The problem is that as long as she blames me for it and believes that everything I am asking of her is ridiculous (not going to the house if he's there, not calling her friend if the OM is home and so-on) it continues to build resentment toward me, and poisons our best efforts to reconcile. Outside of these issues we are doing really well, but any time these issues come up we are thrown back to zero again.

She refuses to read about these things or go to counseling to learn about them as she feels that nobody can tell her about herself.

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