Breathe, remember to breathe I am sorry this is happening to you again.
EA - Entire relationship/marriage til Jan 08
2yrs, you ask a hard question. I have always felt that secrecy is a key component in whether a relationship is an affair of some sort. But you describe a situation where a man is being clearly inappropriate with other women, clearly taking time and attention and sexual interest from his wife and giving it to other women. I have no idea what I'd call it. Maybe I would call it an ea. But regardless of what you call it, it is horrendously wrong and disrespectful.
Well - a little further down the time line and I said it had to stop - and by that time, my husband was in it up to his.... whatever. He was so emotionally attached, and I was such a basket case, that when he first went NC, I couldn't make myself emotionally responsive and I saw the pain he went through keeping up the NC. I thought that must mean that he loved her so much, so when she went through a rough patch (broken NC) where he was her KISA, I was right there rooting for them - what an idiot I was.
So there I was, in the mind set that he was going to live out the love of his life with her (I saw the emails), and he decides that it's me he wants and he goes strict NC with the letter and everything. Do I respond? No - I say I'm committed but am I really? No sex, no real change in how we relate.
So - then he messages on AFF and I find out - furious but I still stay with him and he finally stops all the shit.
And now I'm still shut down and find it impossible to be anything but friends, parents and roomates. He's getting frustrated about everything but I still can't cut him loose and he says he doesn't want to go anyways. And I can't cut myself loose because I would miss daily contact with him. I'm a mess!! EAs are hell!!
I also want to thank everyone for your responses. I guess I always knew these relationships were out of line, but w/ his gaslighting, I guess he kept me in line. How stupid was I??
[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 6:56 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]
Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
If any of you new folks ever need a shoulder to cry on or a place to vent, please know that you can PM me any time. I am here for you!!
[This message edited by wasfooled2 at 7:35 AM, July 20th (Sunday)]
Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick
And the kicker is, the more he withholds the the truth, I keep looking for it, and bit by bit what I'm finding out is that he threw it away for women who didn't even think that much of him even at the height of their 'friendships.' Poor fool.
Same here. Similar story, same reactions, same indifference.
[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 7:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]
"I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human."
‘Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future.’
[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 8:38 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]
hang tough, you'll make it
Anyone read that post in recon about "getting him to put down his baggage" and wish that there was something similar for our situation, the EA?
You could try describing, as she did: Imagine that we've just made love, you're feeling close and loving, and I go downstairs... straight to the computer to send an e-mail to a man you've never even heard of. While you're drifting off to sleep, secure in my love for you, I'm downstairs, telling this man you've never heard of, what a neanderthal you are, how I worked hard all day, and you came home, ate dinner, let me wash the dishes by myself, and then pushed for sex until I gave in, even though I was dead tired.
Imagine that you kiss me good bye in the morning and head off to work, where you tell your co-workers you're a lucky guy. While you're doing that, I'm reading my reply from, let's call him Dave, telling me to stand up for myself and see you for the selfish bastard you are. And while you're agreeing to do some overtime, because you know I'd love a newer and nicer washing machine, I'm on the phone with Dave, telling him your breath stinks and that you wear the most ridiculous underwear.
You expect me home from work at five when I do the weekend shift. You get the kids to straighten up the house, telling them mom's had a rough day, let's be thoughtful of her, she works so hard, let's have the place looking nice.
You put dinner in the oven, thinking how pleased I'll be to come home to a hot meal. You've even bought my favorite brand of tea and ice cream with cherries for desert.
I don't come home... you're annoyed. You've been with the kids all day, and you'd love some adult company. The dinner is overcooking... the kids are asking questions about my whereabouts that you can't answer... now the dinner is getting cold.
You feed the kids, trying hard not to snap or say something mean about their mother when they ask for the fifteenth time, where is Mommy? Your annoyance turns to anger, and as the minutes and quarter hours turn to many hours, your anger turns to fear. You get the kids to bed. You try not to pace. You start wondering if I'm dead on the highway somewhere. You wonder if it's too early to call hospitals or police-- it's been many, many hours by now. It's 9 o'clock at night, and you're beside yourself with worry. You start cleaning up the kitchen and the living room, because the police are surely going to turn up at the door any minute to tell you what happened.
When I come home, I tell you I stopped for milk and filled the gas tank... for you. I tell you I was so exhausted after work that I took a nap on the way home. It could be. And now, on top of your hours of worry and fear, I've just let you know you don't even have a right to feel concern or fear. You're being ridiculous. I was doing it all for you, working so hard, and you're mad at me???
Eventually, of course, the truth comes out. While you were concerned about my safety, I was having drinks with Dave, telling him what a bastard you are.
How would your spouses react to that?
[This message edited by nyi103 at 11:36 PM, September 27th (Saturday)]