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Emotional Affairs

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StillStanding posted 10/17/2008 23:09 PM

Reluctant,

If he won't admit to an EA then it's a possibility that he won't stop the behavior. My W would not admit it and even though it caused some fights I would always roll over for her. Her guilt was probably the reason why she played the good wife during this time, especially in bed.

Wish I had laid it all on the line from the beginning then maybe just maybe it wouldn't have ended up being so bad when the big Dday finally did come.

Don't let this go on too long. Please seek the advice of others and perhaps a professional. I am not sure if contacting the OW is the right thing to do but if you H won't tell you anything then perhaps you should.

reluctant posted 10/18/2008 19:59 PM

I have plans to tell the OWH. I have a timing issue to work out. Everything I read here has convinced me of how important it is to get him involved on the other end.

OK, so I plug forward and lay it on the line right now. Whew. Hard to imagine how big this is going to be.

StillStanding posted 10/19/2008 21:41 PM

OK, so I plug forward and lay it on the line right now. Whew. Hard to imagine how big this is going to be.

Please seek other advice before lay it on the line.

I'm just saying that for me I waited too long and the EA was within an eyelash of becoming a PA. I could have stopped it months before by confronting the OM. There would have been a big fight between my W and I but surely not as big as what happened on Dday.

I do regret not confronting him sooner but then I think about what might have happened if I had. I know my W learned a hard lesson. Would she have learned anything if I had stopped it before it went too far? I am just not sure how it would have turned out. One just never knows. Having said that maybe it is better that I waited so long. The truth is, I did wait and now we live with that.

Good luck.

tormentedsoul posted 10/19/2008 23:43 PM

reluctant,
don't wait. If you're uncomfortable, you have the right to speak up. If your WS isn't listening, you have every right to take it to the next person.
Hang tough, the hardest part is when the WS won't admit they'd done anything wrong

sosad2 posted 10/20/2008 05:59 AM

7 months ago my WH told me he had feelings for the OW
It is still going on and getting stronger moving towards the PA - I know this because I found E:mails and letters between the lovers.My WH told me yesterday that he knows if he goes with the OW he will be happy but not sure if it is the right thing to do. If he stays in the M he thinks he will be miserable and unhappy. I am seeing a counsilor and he suggested I tell him the "door is open" and I and our kids love you and do not want to see you miserable. If you want to leave it is ok. I know my WH would prefer if I kick him out that way there is less guilt for him on the part of our kids (your mother kicked me out so I have to leave)
Cousillor said he chose the affair so it is his responsiblity to make the decision. I have been trying the 180 since D-Day but it is so hard when you are dying inside, feeling sad,unloved and depressed. I want to screem and yell at him and tell him I can love him just as good as she can.
Are you sure this 180 is the right way to go after 7 months. How long will this go on

sosad2 posted 10/20/2008 05:59 AM

7 months ago my WH told me he had feelings for the OW
It is still going on and getting stronger moving towards the PA - I know this because I found E:mails and letters between the lovers.My WH told me yesterday that he knows if he goes with the OW he will be happy but not sure if it is the right thing to do. If he stays in the M he thinks he will be miserable and unhappy. I am seeing a counsilor and he suggested I tell him the "door is open" and I and our kids love you and do not want to see you miserable. If you want to leave it is ok. I know my WH would prefer if I kick him out that way there is less guilt for him on the part of our kids (your mother kicked me out so I have to leave)
Cousillor said he chose the affair so it is his responsiblity to make the decision. I have been trying the 180 since D-Day but it is so hard when you are dying inside, feeling sad,unloved and depressed. I want to screem and yell at him and tell him I can love him just as good as she can.
Are you sure this 180 is the right way to go after 7 months. How long will this go on

sosad2 posted 10/20/2008 06:01 AM

7 months ago my WH told me he had feelings for the OW
It is still going on and getting stronger moving towards the PA - I know this because I found E:mails and letters between the lovers.My WH told me yesterday that he knows if he goes with the OW he will be happy but not sure if it is the right thing to do. If he stays in the M he thinks he will be miserable and unhappy. I am seeing a counsilor and he suggested I tell him the "door is open" and I and our kids love you and do not want to see you miserable. If you want to leave it is ok. I know my WH would prefer if I kick him out that way there is less guilt for him on the part of our kids (your mother kicked me out so I have to leave)
Cousillor said he chose the affair so it is his responsiblity to make the decision. I have been trying the 180 since D-Day but it is so hard when you are dying inside, feeling sad,unloved and depressed. I want to screem and yell at him and tell him I can love him just as good as she can.
Are you sure this 180 is the right way to go after 7 months. How long will this go on

reluctant posted 10/20/2008 07:27 AM

Actually, WH is 7 hours from home working. OW lives 2 hours from our house so I doubt they are seeing each other. I have access to the cell phone record everyday. He is NC for over a month - on that phone. I am waiting until he gets home to look for any pre-paid phone. Since we have already had 2 ddays and I didn't handle them well at all, I am playing this slowly. I revealed my findings right away last time and he gaslighted out of them.

StillStanding posted 10/20/2008 12:38 PM

I just remembered something else my wife said. She said she didn't feel like she was worth fighting for because I let it go on for so long.

It was her choice and I did talk to her about it but she would just get pissed at me and gaslight me.

If I had a dog and my neighbor stole it from me and everytime I tried to get it back it bit me then evenutally I would just let my neighbor have it.

Go fight for your marriage. Do what ever it takes within the confines of the law of course. You may get bit a few times but at least you will have tried. Only you can decided when you are tired of getting bit.

It just seems totaly sick and crazy to me that a person can tell their spouse that they are happier with another person and talk about it like it's OK. No one deserves to be treated in such a way. I think the best thing to do is just show them the door and hope it hits them in the ass on the way out. Maybe reality will hit them in the ass too.

sosad2 posted 10/20/2008 14:57 PM

I have thought about it so many times about kicking him out, but I stop because of the kids. My oldest has some important decisions to make in the next few months regarding choice of university. I don't want to upset the kids right now, they love their dad deeply.
It is so hard holding back the anger.

sosad2 posted 10/20/2008 16:13 PM

I just found this website yesterday and I haven't been able to get off of it since. Too bad I didn't find it 7 months ago when D-day happened.Anyways my WH has been having this mostly EA with OP at work. He sees her more than me, everyday M-F. I know the EA is now turning to PA because unbeknownst to him I have read some E:mails and Love letters between them and how they spend their lunch hour together hugging and kissing. Sexual intercourse has not happened YET but their sexual tension is increasing. I have asked him to quit the job numerous times if he wants to keep his marriage, otherwise he should leave our home. Last week he told me it was getting serious between them. I went and got the suitcase and showed it to him. He then said maybe he will quit. He is sitting on the fence. I represent security, she represents Luv. He wants both but knows he has to make a decision. This weekend he tells me if he stays in the marriage he will be miserable and unhappy, but if he goes with her he knows he will be happy, but is not sure if its the right decision. Today I asked him if he knows the pain I feel because of his betrayal. He responded that our marriage betrayed him and me. Typical marriage after 17 years with 2 kids - we just fell out of touch with each other and took it for granted until it was too late. He said he did not go looking for this affair, it just happened and on a scale of betrayal 1 - 10, 1 being the lowest level of betrayal he would be a "2". When I read the letters between them it almost makes me feel guilty for keeping the lovers apart. They are sooo..much in love. Why do I feel guilty? And if he decides to stay in the marriage and give OW up I am sure I will be made to feel guilty.He will resent me because he had to give his soul-mate up. This is all backwards.
I don't want him back if it is going to be that way. It is hard to know what to do and say anymore.

StillStanding posted 10/20/2008 20:25 PM

Doesn't the WS know that the new will eventually wear off a new relationship and they will end up feeling just as they feel now. Besides, if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. Remember it's their personal problem not ours. Bad thing is it affects our entire lives.

[This message edited by StillStanding at 8:26 PM, October 20th (Monday)]

tormentedsoul posted 10/20/2008 20:48 PM

sosad2,
you deserve to happy too! Will you be more miserable is if he goes or if he stays? only you can answer that, and I'd say it's time to take charge of your life, with or without him, the choice is yours, not his!
Carpe Diem.

anniegirl1 posted 11/2/2008 15:10 PM

Is there a chance that an EA that has been going on at least 2 years, is not a PA???
My husband was talking to MRS THING for 2 yrs maybe longer. They were talking 2-3 times a month, anywhere from 2mins. to 20mins. Mostly, 5-10 though.
I found out in April by finding text.
He has sworn from day 1 that it NEVER became physical. That it was someone to vent to & yes he liked the attention, but nothing happened.
I talked to him again today about it and he still swears Nothing happened. Even after telling him that I'm not leaving no matter what he tells me & I am strong enough to hear it. OF COURSE, unless it is still going on.
Thanks for any imput.
B*L*E*S*S*I*N*G*S

capri posted 11/3/2008 23:21 PM

anniegirl, I think it's possible, yes. I am dealing with a 13 year ea with one woman, and 2 years of weekly coffee dates (and lying to me about his whereabouts) with another. I have done a lot of investigating and asking questions, and I am finally convinced that there was no physical contact with either of them. Of course, when they lie, they make it impossible to believe it when they say they didn't.

anniegirl1 posted 11/5/2008 09:54 AM

Capri,
Thanks !!!!
That does help.
Like I said before, he swears from day 1 that it NEVER became a PA.
That she called him 1st.
That he ALWAYS, from day 1 told her that it could only be "JUST FRIENDS", because he has Loved me from the 1st time he saw me.
My response: If he has Loved me from Day 1...why hide her?
Why wouldn't he call her on DDay when I asked?
Why couldn't he just call & say "hey I'm putting my wife on the phone. Talk to her please".
Why couldn't he, "MAN UP"?? & YES! I did say that to him.
He KNOWS that I am NOT a violent person. I usually am very timid....until this ALL happened.
I have not blown up at him.
I have kept my cool.(VERY HARD!!) B~U~T....HE KNOWS that I mean BUSINESS!!!
I think that it scares him that I am so calm.
I went through this with my 1st WH. I WILL NOT go through it again.
I Just CANNOT fathom that it went on sooooo long & NoThInG happened?!?
Sorry, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it.
He won't give me anymore details. I have to figure them out or leave it alone.
Well since I have a case OCD, I don't think that leaving it, is an option.
It just hurts FINALLY realizing that the man that I felt so Trustworthy, the man that I married, IS A LIAR.
And, you are right. Once they lie, how can they possibly think that you are to believe anything that comes from them.
Man(figure of speach), for years have been doing things to protect themselves. It's human nature. Even lying to the ones they supposedly Love, to save themselves.
Thanks for listening/reading.
B*L*E*S*S*I*N*G*S on Your Day.

strong1 posted 11/5/2008 15:44 PM

anniegirl,
My story and timeline is similar. I don't know what to tell you about the possibilities of PA or not. In my case, I found out in March that my H was emailing a colleage flirty messages, meeting for coffee a couple of times a month before work (even though they work together?) and that they had kissed once - last Nov. when they were both drunk. He claimed they were "just friends" and I don't think he would ever have admitted the kiss if I hadn't read about it in an email. Or the coffee dates for that matter. He wanted to keep the story that they were "just friends" in tact. I do now believe that there was only this one kiss b/c the later emails would have suggested or refered to others and they didn't. I trust my gut (but not my H). I guess what I want to say is "yes" it is possible that there was no PA but trust your gut and keep digging for awhile.

reluctant posted 11/5/2008 17:58 PM

I agree that you should trust how you feel and keep digging.

In my FWH's case, he knew he would catch something icky that would make his thingy turn green and fall off so he avoided them on a physical level. This is completely in character for him so I can believe it was strictly EA.

Only you know your husband well enough to judge.

JVS3 posted 11/5/2008 23:09 PM

anniegirl,

it's hard to believe anything else than the worse when they lie. (I actually told my FWH that I could write Hollywood scripts with all that I was imagining).

FWH had at least 2 EA's that I know of. I was convinced that at least one EA was a PA. I had no way of finding out anything more so FWH took polygraph test. It was only then that I could even consider that some of things that he said were true.

One EA was over a 3 month period but was more intense and seemed more likely to have been a PA that the other one that he had had for over a year. So I would say the length of time doesn't necessarily mean that it was a PA.

Jade1964dream posted 11/10/2008 14:41 PM

I found a really interesting article. Link is below. What I find most interesting: the characteristics of people who are poachers and poachees.....a lot of truth in my WH and OW case.
http://articles.latimes.com/2008/mar/03/health/he-justfriends3

[This message edited by Jade1964dream at 5:06 PM, November 10th (Monday)]

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