Married 18 yrs
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8
I found the very first inappropriate email sent from the OW who is another teacher in his school sent to my husband at 1:10am after a night of drinking asking him to question his marriage and how he feels when he's with me and how it's more about how he feels than what I expect. After finding it my insticts kicked in and looked though all his emails, the internet history, temporary internet files, printed everything out and then called him out on it.
At first he said that he was discussing our marriage because he wanted to find out how to "make me happy" and needed a woman's perspective. I of course called that a lie and said you have 3 women you could turn to who would want nothing more than to make sure our marriage worked if that is really what you wanted. He wanted someone who would tell him that he's a good person and wanted to give him the attention he doesn't feel he is getting.
I am the primary wage earner in the family so my job is quite demanding in terms of time and has been for over 10 years. We have 2 children, 5 and 2, and he is left with a lot of the after school, early evening child care and while I think ultimately he understands and enjoys it he gets pressure from his male friends on why he is "stuck" with the kids.
I got him to finally admit that this was all about him and had nothing to do with me. I don't think he realized where this could have gone. He identified affair with sex.
I sent an email to the OW, the OW husband (found his email too) and WH stating this communication was inappropriate, that it needed to stop immediately. OW responded saying that I have misinterpreted her intentions and never took responsibilty that what she did was wrong.
My husband has now requested a meeting at his work with their boss to put the relationship details out there and is asking for no other communication other than professional to be had and mostly thru email for documentation.
He is physically upset by what he has put me through as I found out that they have had multiple long conversations about me and my lack of understanding of him and OW lack of understanding from her H. You could see where this was going to go...
He has given me passcodes to all of his work and personal email accounts, he tells me throughout the day if he has had any contact with her with me asking, so I think he is sincere in his realization of what he did was wrong.
My fear now is that I don't know 100% of the truth as he says he has had no PA and the thought had not crossed his mind. I want to believe him but I am having a hard time.
I really hope that I stopped something in its tracks. This only happened 1 week ago but I'm curious at how long it will take to not to check his email at work every hr and not check the interest history every time he gets up from the computer.
I like the quote "EA Sucks".
All I want to say is be very, very careful and smart about getting info-- they take it underground so fast it'll make you head spin. I literally had to snoop for almost a year until WH finally fucked up and left his secret email address out in the open.
Nip the EAs in the bud, people, and stat. They're not good news.
Good luck to you all!
2 kids 20 & 17
I hope for strength - look for happiness-Trying to Trust-Finding it all difficult but I am not giving up
When it comes to people outside the marriage...
Friendly, not familiar.
It's simple, straight forward, and easy to remember.
He sees where he erred and slipped and is taking steps to never go there again.
I couldn't feel better right now.
if I ever stop checking... I'll let you know
Trust but verify.
yet she had not problem entering the bedroom while saying this. It is so hurtful
Sorry, JJ, that is so hard. I think that is your H slept with OW it is not an EA (emotional affair) it is a PA (physical affair).
it's all about James Hunter, now ;)
And here's the 180 link:
Well I thought we got through that PA and that the devistation to our family was enough that he would never do that to us again.
In Sept I find many texts to a different OW and one text that says I love you. He finally admitted it.
Oct i find texts to our SIL (his brothers wife) that have been going on for a week.
I am not sure he can ever not be too friendly with woman. I am not sure I can ever go to a party, wedding, school function, without thinking he is looking for his next "soul mate."
I know his self-esteem is in serious question, guess what mine is too now!
Do people ever really change?
He may never have another full blown PA but I am not sure if can ever stay away from the ea's.
This is about word for word what my husband told me. I call them 1, 2, and 3, but the fact is, he apparently never got as far as discussing our marriage with 3, BUT... there were other women with whom he also discussed our marriage. As far as I can tell, every single one of them was about them assuring him I'm awful (not that they ever met me or heard the whole story), and that he's a great guy.
My FWH and I are reconciled, but I just wanted to say to all of you who are still going through this mess that I am very sorry for your pain and I pray that for those who are still trying to reconcile that your WS gets out of the fog and back into the real world. And for those who will not be reconciling, big hugs to you and I pray that you will find peace and happiness in your life.
You’ll see my d-days below and you’re more than welcome to read my profile (cause it’s long). In other words, I’m not coming into this forum saying, “woo-hoo! All is well and it was so easy and he was such a good boy and he did NC right away and blah blah blah....” – it was hell and it took a long time to get to where we are today. He had a lot to learn (and had to do it through MC/IC because I could not get through to him – he honestly believed that he and the OWs were “just friends” because there was no sex) – he had to learn to establish boundaries – that was a BIG one and one he didn’t want to come to terms with for quite awhile. He thought I was trying to change who he was.
FWH’s “great escape” as I call it – 2 EAs – happened at different times but both when our lives were in crisis. So he caught the KISA bug – yes, both OW were damsels in distress – I prefer to call it, “I am a damsel in distress so I want to put another damsel in distress because goodness knows I want to share the pain.” – sorry, no witty acronym for that one! Both knew he was married. One was my friend.
Have I forgiven him? Yes. I had to or I would not be able to truly reconcile and have peace in my soul. Have I forgotten? Hell no. In one sense, the M is stronger because through IC/MC both of us addressed and tackled many issues that we both had (from childhood mostly). In the other sense, I will always have some little blip in the recesses of my mind that will remind me that I need to always be “on alert” to some degree.
Again, thank you to the mods (even though this thank you is coming eight months from the start of this thread) – this EA thing is obviously more of a problem than I realized. And I also see it is more prevalent among the 35-plus age group who have been married for 15+ years (I am not discounting the younger group’s pain – just looking at the stats on SI).
Hugs and peace to all,
And I also see it is more prevalent among the 35-plus age group who have been married for 15+ years (I am not discounting the younger group’s pain – just looking at the stats on SI)
I would love to see the stats here, but I have noticed that something happens approaching 40 and some individuals just end up throwing away years of fidelity for the mirage of "affair love"
I don't understand the midlife thing myself. I could never do to him what he did to me. Not even a revenge A (which he swore I would do). It never crossed my mind. I just cannot fathom causing another person pain like that, especially someone you love so much. *Sigh*
agree the stats would be difficult to calculate, but the overwhelming impression is that around 40, the infidelity potential goes through the roof.
My WH started off his EA through the internet. They communicate a lot through the internet and then through the cellphone she bought WH. WH is on the 2nd one...I broke the 1st one I found....but I'm unsure if they have ever met. My WH states they never did but I just don't know if I believe that.
I feel like I have a double A to deal with...an EA and an internet A. Sometimes I just don't know how to categorize it.
FWH also had 2 EA's which started out as KISA/paternal and he too would not recognise EA's until MC validated it. Even after finally acknowledging EA's, still didn't think it was that big a deal as there had been no sex (he did a polygraph).
OW1, I didn't even know about (lies of ommission) until after confronting him regarding deliberately lying/deceiving me about OW2. Both were damsels in distress who "only" wanted to talk about their problems, needed help financially, emotionally, etc. FWH, of course, felt underappreciated and needed their attention to stroke his ego.
We're also reconciled but still some struggles (9 mths since D-day - Mar 08). The next three months will be really hard as this is when the EA with OW2 occured (lots of triggering dates plus our anniversary in February).
Don't know about the stats but we've been married 29+ years (I'm 47 and FWH is 52).
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point in the wrong direction.
First, let me say that I am so sorry your daughter had a MC – my prayers go out to her that one day she will have a baby. I know the toll it takes on her, as well as you being her mother. You just want to make it all better.
OMG, are you sure we’re not in a parallel universe??? That is just too uncanny. And sad.
Yes, your d-days are still very fresh and the triggers will happen. I used to be trigger queen. It was just so hard because both OW (even though I didn’t know OW #1) live close to us and just going to our local hangouts (he would go with them alone back during the As) would mess me up. Especially since I knew that other people knew that I was not there with FWH yet he’s chatting it up with OWs. It made me feel like they were thinking, “Oh poor Lala; she doesn’t know a thing….” It was humiliating and I HATE pity. Plus knowing OW #1 could be right in front of my face and I wouldn’t even know it made me sick. And running into OW #2 would make me sick. But now I don’t care anymore. She is no threat to me or my M. FWH does realize what a train wreck she is and knows what SHE was up to, even though “those” thoughts were farthest from his mind. And it makes him sick. He also now understands what it did to the M – it took away so much – that’s the part he needed to “get” and take the necessary steps to help me heal.
I know just what you mean about the ego-stroking – he doesn’t seem to need that so much anymore – as the counselor put it, he did not know how to soothe himself emotionally so he had to look to others because people who are that emotionally needy cannot get enough attention from one person. They need to always be validated. So now he has guy friends who make perfect sounding boards – it’s so funny – they yap like a bunch of women…LOL…but it’s perfectly fine with me!
MC/IC and TIME is what helped. I know, the four-letter word…but it is true. Especially if your FWH is doing his part to help rectify the situation and help you heal. I pick my battles; one of them was NC…period. And no more “friendships” with females (except our DDs of course because my DD’s are FWH’s best friends, and mine too.)
Hugs to you – I know your pain and I promise it will get better.
D-Day came in July 2008 from cell phone detailed billing. When I confronted H, he says he never had sex with OW, they were "just friends" and he will stop talking to her.
He stopped talking to her on our family plan cell phone because he bought a prepaid phone and I found his hiding place. Every now and then he forgets to delete all calls and when he's in the bathroom, I look at it. Dec 2 he called OW (work, cell and home number were called). He really wanted to talk to her.
Two years ago he had prostate cancer surgery so sex for him is a lot less than it used to be but I'll bet money they had a PA before the surgery. He claims they haven't.
H is angry with me because every so often in conversation I bring up his EA. I want him to tell me to my face that he is not talking to OW. I know he is lying when he says he's not, but I enjoy how upset he gets when we talk about it.
He knows that if I find concrete proof that they are still conversating with each other, that spells DIVORCE and he claims he doesnt want one.
I think he is in love with the OW and does not know how to get out of it. He's in a total fog right now. I do not think the OW will let him move in with her because she's one of those "good time" girls who likes other people's men but not to move in with her.
I feel like he is with me because its convenient, and comfortable but I don't want to make permanent moves yet until I have absolute proof that they are still together.
I ordered a Zoombak GPS to put in the car. That will give me the concrete proof that he is still seeing her.
I'm doing the 180 right now and he's noticing something different about me. I've been asking how to do certain things around the house that he normally does. He shows me but he keeps asking why do I need to know that. I said because I've gotten too dependent on him and its time I stepped up and did things on my own. He looks at me funny whenever I say that.
So, I'm saving money, learning how to (change furnace filter, rod out the bath tub, jump start the car, this summer I had him teach me how to use the lawn mower). Eventually, I'll be able to tell him to "get to steppin". I dont care where he goes but he will have to get the f#$% out of my house.
"It ain't about love anymore."
she's one of those "good time" girls who likes other people's men
Wow, Star; sounds like my FWH's ex-OW. He never thought of moving in with her, but he sure as hell did enough work around her house (divorced, damsel in distress....you know the deal)...and she loves to snag married men. She was married herself when she snagged her first one and her XH ran for the hills.
I'm sorry you're going through this - I know you're hurting and I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all. You're doing the right thing - 180 and all. You can do this. We are here to help/listen, whatever you need.