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Emotional Affairs

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2yrsinthedark posted 11/10/2008 20:15 PM

Hi guys, I havent posted in a few months, but lately many memories have come back to haunt me. Today I remembered when my WH's OW was considering coming to to live here. (she live 600 miles away.) He was very disappointed when she decided no to come back. Worse, was when he got very upset w/ me because I made a sarcastic comment about it. When I said it, he knew I was happy that she wasnt coming back. (I thought they were just friends at the time, but I still didnt want here near). Anyway, the thought of him being so angry w/ me knowing exactly how he felt about her. GRrrr, I feel so stupid. Knowing the way he would gaslight me, I probably apologized to him about it too. God, 1.5 yrs ago and these memories are still so fresh.

maddiedog posted 11/16/2008 09:50 AM

I'm glad I found this forum, it's sad to see it's so needed.

I found the very first inappropriate email sent from the OW who is another teacher in his school sent to my husband at 1:10am after a night of drinking asking him to question his marriage and how he feels when he's with me and how it's more about how he feels than what I expect. After finding it my insticts kicked in and looked though all his emails, the internet history, temporary internet files, printed everything out and then called him out on it.

At first he said that he was discussing our marriage because he wanted to find out how to "make me happy" and needed a woman's perspective. I of course called that a lie and said you have 3 women you could turn to who would want nothing more than to make sure our marriage worked if that is really what you wanted. He wanted someone who would tell him that he's a good person and wanted to give him the attention he doesn't feel he is getting.

I am the primary wage earner in the family so my job is quite demanding in terms of time and has been for over 10 years. We have 2 children, 5 and 2, and he is left with a lot of the after school, early evening child care and while I think ultimately he understands and enjoys it he gets pressure from his male friends on why he is "stuck" with the kids.

I got him to finally admit that this was all about him and had nothing to do with me. I don't think he realized where this could have gone. He identified affair with sex.

I sent an email to the OW, the OW husband (found his email too) and WH stating this communication was inappropriate, that it needed to stop immediately. OW responded saying that I have misinterpreted her intentions and never took responsibilty that what she did was wrong.

My husband has now requested a meeting at his work with their boss to put the relationship details out there and is asking for no other communication other than professional to be had and mostly thru email for documentation.

He is physically upset by what he has put me through as I found out that they have had multiple long conversations about me and my lack of understanding of him and OW lack of understanding from her H. You could see where this was going to go...
He has given me passcodes to all of his work and personal email accounts, he tells me throughout the day if he has had any contact with her with me asking, so I think he is sincere in his realization of what he did was wrong.

My fear now is that I don't know 100% of the truth as he says he has had no PA and the thought had not crossed his mind. I want to believe him but I am having a hard time.

I really hope that I stopped something in its tracks. This only happened 1 week ago but I'm curious at how long it will take to not to check his email at work every hr and not check the interest history every time he gets up from the computer.

I like the quote "EA Sucks".

tormentedsoul posted 11/16/2008 20:32 PM

if I ever stop checking... I'll let you know... been 13 months since NC established but I'm still checking

maddiedog posted 11/17/2008 02:00 AM

Tormented - thanks for the response. It helps to know that you are not alone.

jolene posted 11/20/2008 10:06 AM

Belatedly pulling my EA status here. I found out in Oct. that WH indeed was having a PA, which was a kick in the guts for me.

All I want to say is be very, very careful and smart about getting info-- they take it underground so fast it'll make you head spin. I literally had to snoop for almost a year until WH finally fucked up and left his secret email address out in the open.

Nip the EAs in the bud, people, and stat. They're not good news.

Good luck to you all!

itmoia posted 11/20/2008 12:03 PM

My W has had 3 EA's. The most recent when I called it an "A" she completely denied that is what it was. It's hard but have come to realize there are things I need to work on - communication - letting her be heard - Being there for her emotionally (which I have tried) but trusting her is and has been difficult. We have in the past dealt with it and let it go until this time, MC, IC both of us, and now I feel she has put our Marriage as the excuse for it all... I have come to a point now that living like this without help cannot go on.... We separated (I left) for a month and have only been home for a week and a half and we are trying to work on things but the "Trust issues" seem to cloud things for me... Something I need to work on. The wall she put up has effected her decisions and really stopped her from sharing... We are trying to rebuild but I do feel stupid for not realizing as well....

reluctant posted 11/20/2008 17:40 PM

FWH/DH and I are in R after his EA. We just came to a fabulous understanding last night.

When it comes to people outside the marriage...
Friendly, not familiar.

It's simple, straight forward, and easy to remember.

He sees where he erred and slipped and is taking steps to never go there again.

I couldn't feel better right now.

Even so

if I ever stop checking... I'll let you know

Trust but verify.

jjjdm posted 11/20/2008 20:58 PM

Found out my WH was having an affari my, yep, the phone bill. He had an A with her before we got married. Now 13 years later, he hunts her down and they start off talking and it escalates. I talked with her and she was very forthcoming. turns out I was a topic of conversation and she told him he should work on his married, yet she had not problem entering the bedroom while saying this. It is so hurtful and I don't know how to deal with it sometimes. We are trying to R. WH was gone for a month and wanted to come back, said he'd be willing to do whatever it took. WH has been back now for almost a month and it's almost like he's pretending it never happened. Obviously very uncomfortable when I have questions. He doesn't understand that I need to know things even though they are hurtful. It hurts so much that he went and found someone from his past and obviously made some sort of impact on him. I feel like he's with me and the kids just because he feels bad. He's not fullfilling his promise with the counseling. Don't know what to do. I'm going for myself which is helping. Try to keep myself busy so I don't dwell.

UnbearablySadd posted 11/21/2008 00:35 AM

yet she had not problem entering the bedroom while saying this. It is so hurtful

Sorry, JJ, that is so hard. I think that is your H slept with OW it is not an EA (emotional affair) it is a PA (physical affair).


me+6 posted 11/23/2008 10:35 AM

My WH has admitted to at several EA's over the course of our marriage. Almost 2 years ago an EA turned into a PA.

Well I thought we got through that PA and that the devistation to our family was enough that he would never do that to us again.

In Sept I find many texts to a different OW and one text that says I love you. He finally admitted it.

Oct i find texts to our SIL (his brothers wife) that have been going on for a week.

I am not sure he can ever not be too friendly with woman. I am not sure I can ever go to a party, wedding, school function, without thinking he is looking for his next "soul mate."

I know his self-esteem is in serious question, guess what mine is too now!

Do people ever really change?
He may never have another full blown PA but I am not sure if can ever stay away from the ea's.

capri posted 12/8/2008 10:41 AM

he was discussing our marriage because he wanted to find out how to "make me happy" and needed a woman's perspective.

This is about word for word what my husband told me. I call them 1, 2, and 3, but the fact is, he apparently never got as far as discussing our marriage with 3, BUT... there were other women with whom he also discussed our marriage. As far as I can tell, every single one of them was about them assuring him I'm awful (not that they ever met me or heard the whole story), and that he's a great guy.

Lalagirl posted 12/16/2008 13:36 PM

I am so glad that the mods started the EA thread. Unfortunately, I was unable to partake in it until now because I was laid off on April 1, and had no computer until about a month ago.

My FWH and I are reconciled, but I just wanted to say to all of you who are still going through this mess that I am very sorry for your pain and I pray that for those who are still trying to reconcile that your WS gets out of the fog and back into the real world. And for those who will not be reconciling, big hugs to you and I pray that you will find peace and happiness in your life.

You’ll see my d-days below and you’re more than welcome to read my profile (cause it’s long). In other words, I’m not coming into this forum saying, “woo-hoo! All is well and it was so easy and he was such a good boy and he did NC right away and blah blah blah....” – it was hell and it took a long time to get to where we are today. He had a lot to learn (and had to do it through MC/IC because I could not get through to him – he honestly believed that he and the OWs were “just friends” because there was no sex) – he had to learn to establish boundaries – that was a BIG one and one he didn’t want to come to terms with for quite awhile. He thought I was trying to change who he was.

FWH’s “great escape” as I call it – 2 EAs – happened at different times but both when our lives were in crisis. So he caught the KISA bug – yes, both OW were damsels in distress – I prefer to call it, “I am a damsel in distress so I want to put another damsel in distress because goodness knows I want to share the pain.” – sorry, no witty acronym for that one! Both knew he was married. One was my friend.

Have I forgiven him? Yes. I had to or I would not be able to truly reconcile and have peace in my soul. Have I forgotten? Hell no. In one sense, the M is stronger because through IC/MC both of us addressed and tackled many issues that we both had (from childhood mostly). In the other sense, I will always have some little blip in the recesses of my mind that will remind me that I need to always be “on alert” to some degree.

Again, thank you to the mods (even though this thank you is coming eight months from the start of this thread) – this EA thing is obviously more of a problem than I realized. And I also see it is more prevalent among the 35-plus age group who have been married for 15+ years (I am not discounting the younger group’s pain – just looking at the stats on SI).

Hugs and peace to all,


destroyedw posted 12/16/2008 14:54 PM

And I also see it is more prevalent among the 35-plus age group who have been married for 15+ years (I am not discounting the younger group’s pain – just looking at the stats on SI)

I would love to see the stats here, but I have noticed that something happens approaching 40 and some individuals just end up throwing away years of fidelity for the mirage of "affair love"

Lalagirl posted 12/16/2008 15:23 PM

I'm sorry; I misused the word "stats" - I meant the majority of what *I* see (the ages and length of time together at the bottom of the posts).

I don't understand the midlife thing myself. I could never do to him what he did to me. Not even a revenge A (which he swore I would do). It never crossed my mind. I just cannot fathom causing another person pain like that, especially someone you love so much. *Sigh*

destroyedw posted 12/16/2008 16:02 PM


agree the stats would be difficult to calculate, but the overwhelming impression is that around 40, the infidelity potential goes through the roof.

hurtbutstrong posted 12/16/2008 17:51 PM

I have wondered about the whole turning 40 or being around 40 thing. My WH turned 40 this year. I just found out my cousin who just turned 40 this month has been cheating on his wife. It just makes you go, "hmmm, what up with that?" I have read a lot about mid-life crisis. I don't want to use it as an excuse but a lot of what I have read fits my WH to a T.

My WH started off his EA through the internet. They communicate a lot through the internet and then through the cellphone she bought WH. WH is on the 2nd one...I broke the 1st one I found....but I'm unsure if they have ever met. My WH states they never did but I just don't know if I believe that.

I feel like I have a double A to deal EA and an internet A. Sometimes I just don't know how to categorize it.

JVS3 posted 12/16/2008 21:29 PM

Lalagirl, just reading your profile and except for the actual situations, your story could be mine (DD also became pregnant and miscarried during this time).

FWH also had 2 EA's which started out as KISA/paternal and he too would not recognise EA's until MC validated it. Even after finally acknowledging EA's, still didn't think it was that big a deal as there had been no sex (he did a polygraph).

OW1, I didn't even know about (lies of ommission) until after confronting him regarding deliberately lying/deceiving me about OW2. Both were damsels in distress who "only" wanted to talk about their problems, needed help financially, emotionally, etc. FWH, of course, felt underappreciated and needed their attention to stroke his ego.

We're also reconciled but still some struggles (9 mths since D-day - Mar 08). The next three months will be really hard as this is when the EA with OW2 occured (lots of triggering dates plus our anniversary in February).

Don't know about the stats but we've been married 29+ years (I'm 47 and FWH is 52).

Lalagirl posted 12/17/2008 10:29 AM


First, let me say that I am so sorry your daughter had a MC – my prayers go out to her that one day she will have a baby. I know the toll it takes on her, as well as you being her mother. You just want to make it all better.

OMG, are you sure we’re not in a parallel universe??? That is just too uncanny. And sad.

Yes, your d-days are still very fresh and the triggers will happen. I used to be trigger queen. It was just so hard because both OW (even though I didn’t know OW #1) live close to us and just going to our local hangouts (he would go with them alone back during the As) would mess me up. Especially since I knew that other people knew that I was not there with FWH yet he’s chatting it up with OWs. It made me feel like they were thinking, “Oh poor Lala; she doesn’t know a thing….” It was humiliating and I HATE pity. Plus knowing OW #1 could be right in front of my face and I wouldn’t even know it made me sick. And running into OW #2 would make me sick. But now I don’t care anymore. She is no threat to me or my M. FWH does realize what a train wreck she is and knows what SHE was up to, even though “those” thoughts were farthest from his mind. And it makes him sick. He also now understands what it did to the M – it took away so much – that’s the part he needed to “get” and take the necessary steps to help me heal.

I know just what you mean about the ego-stroking – he doesn’t seem to need that so much anymore – as the counselor put it, he did not know how to soothe himself emotionally so he had to look to others because people who are that emotionally needy cannot get enough attention from one person. They need to always be validated. So now he has guy friends who make perfect sounding boards – it’s so funny – they yap like a bunch of women…LOL…but it’s perfectly fine with me!

MC/IC and TIME is what helped. I know, the four-letter word…but it is true. Especially if your FWH is doing his part to help rectify the situation and help you heal. I pick my battles; one of them was NC…period. And no more “friendships” with females (except our DDs of course because my DD’s are FWH’s best friends, and mine too.)

Hugs to you – I know your pain and I promise it will get better.


Star727 posted 12/17/2008 15:50 PM

My H of 22 years is currently having an EA with a coworker and I'm pretty sure its been going on for at 5 years. All three of us work at the same place. All these years, the OW speaks to me and is friendly, all the while she's been with my H.

D-Day came in July 2008 from cell phone detailed billing. When I confronted H, he says he never had sex with OW, they were "just friends" and he will stop talking to her.

He stopped talking to her on our family plan cell phone because he bought a prepaid phone and I found his hiding place. Every now and then he forgets to delete all calls and when he's in the bathroom, I look at it. Dec 2 he called OW (work, cell and home number were called). He really wanted to talk to her.

Two years ago he had prostate cancer surgery so sex for him is a lot less than it used to be but I'll bet money they had a PA before the surgery. He claims they haven't.

H is angry with me because every so often in conversation I bring up his EA. I want him to tell me to my face that he is not talking to OW. I know he is lying when he says he's not, but I enjoy how upset he gets when we talk about it.

He knows that if I find concrete proof that they are still conversating with each other, that spells DIVORCE and he claims he doesnt want one.

I think he is in love with the OW and does not know how to get out of it. He's in a total fog right now. I do not think the OW will let him move in with her because she's one of those "good time" girls who likes other people's men but not to move in with her.

I feel like he is with me because its convenient, and comfortable but I don't want to make permanent moves yet until I have absolute proof that they are still together.

I ordered a Zoombak GPS to put in the car. That will give me the concrete proof that he is still seeing her.

I'm doing the 180 right now and he's noticing something different about me. I've been asking how to do certain things around the house that he normally does. He shows me but he keeps asking why do I need to know that. I said because I've gotten too dependent on him and its time I stepped up and did things on my own. He looks at me funny whenever I say that.

So, I'm saving money, learning how to (change furnace filter, rod out the bath tub, jump start the car, this summer I had him teach me how to use the lawn mower). Eventually, I'll be able to tell him to "get to steppin". I dont care where he goes but he will have to get the f#$% out of my house.

Lalagirl posted 12/17/2008 15:56 PM

she's one of those "good time" girls who likes other people's men

Wow, Star; sounds like my FWH's ex-OW. He never thought of moving in with her, but he sure as hell did enough work around her house (divorced, damsel in know the deal)...and she loves to snag married men. She was married herself when she snagged her first one and her XH ran for the hills.

I'm sorry you're going through this - I know you're hurting and I'm not trying to make light of your situation at all. You're doing the right thing - 180 and all. You can do this. We are here to help/listen, whatever you need.



reluctant posted 12/19/2008 13:05 PM

I just know one or both of the OW are going to call WH in the next 2 weeks "just to say Merry Christmas" and see how he's doing. He was heavy in the EAs this time last year and they exchanged lots of disgusting Christmas jokes and texts during the weeks he was home with us. This is our first Christmas since and I know the holiday will make them think of him.

I told him they would call on Thanksgiving. He poo-pood me. Young OW called like I said. He got rid of her because I was right there. I fear next time she will call him when she thinks he is at work or I am asleep. (They had a lot of midnight talks during EA.) She knows when to call him to avoid me, they did it for months.

Young OW is pregnant with her current BF's baby. (My sis checks her MySpace for me) Old OW is the grandma-to-be. I know they want to chat with FWH and tell him their exciting news.

I'm nervous that one of the calls will get through to him when he is away from me and that he will chat with them and/or hide it from me. Even if he restates NC to them and hangs up, they will be on his mind again.

I just feel crappy having this hang over my head. He has been totally NC and so good to me since Sept. Still I feel crappy. I hate even thinking that those be-otches are reminiscing about last year with him.

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