My question is when you have a spouse who had a EA and was on the computer as much as he was how do you ever not let the computer become a trigger for you in other relationships?
Good question. You are not alone. The computer (or phone) is the medium of pain for us. It is hard. FWH and I are R and the computer and phone still trigger me every day. I guess it is getting better. I don't check so much anymore. It's getting boring to be honest because there is nothing there.
I don't think I'm out far enough from dday to give you an answer, but I wanted you to know we are all listening.
So terrible when WS chases the fantasy. You are having a really tough go of it right now. Hugs to you.
Why can't you tell your family? You need support right now. Do they even know you are divorced? If so, haven't they asked why? You don't have to hide his stupid, dirty secret. You didn't do anything wrong and you needn't feel ashamed.
Do you have anyone who can help you process the hurt and betrayal? Maybe a minister, since I see you are also in money troubles. You really need face time with someone who cares.
The OW is WH's co-worker. I know her and we've done things together. We still do things together. In the last few months, they have texted back and fourth too much. Sometimes as much as 50 times. I told him I thought this was excessive. He says it is all professional and he'll cut down. The texts aren't as excessive now, however, I am still suspicious. I know they have gone to dinner at least three times and numerous lunches. I asked him why he hangs out with her so much, he says "we are good friends".
She's also in a relationship. Her husband is in the army reserves and isn't around much from what I understand. She admitted to my WH that she's having trouble in her own marriage. That raised a huge red flag to me. While out with his co-workers last week, it came out how frustrated he was at work, and I was concerned. I had no idea.
As for now, I'm keeping my eyes open. He still says he loves me, shows affection, ect. Some days it seems like he's not there. He doesn't confide in me much anymore. It hurts. I'm just focusing on myself and trying not to worry so much :(
I will say this, the PA was hurtful but the EA was devastating! The crap that I had to read between the two of them during their EA, was incredibly painful! I read things that FWH wrote to her adnauseum that he rarely if ever said to me. Then to know that they e-mailed each other dozens of times a day was also hurtful..
I can so relate to the pain of an EA but I did also have to deal with the details of the PA.
(((hugs))) to you all. Lotus1
Also one call 1 min in duration to OW's work that he had an EA with for two years (one admitted kiss)...Over the last year if he had to call her workplace he told me he was calling and why, there are two secretaries there. Up to January there has been no contact that I know of. He also told me he was having daily contact with his ex, her father just died a month ago, and the call log shows that...
Oh and I also found a nasty crotch shot of OW still in his email from 2 yrs ago when he told me in counselling that he deleted all pictures of her. (I forwarded it to myself along with the deleted email).
So here I sit, do I say something or not, hard to check it out properly when I am away. I am going for a visit in 3 weeks for a week. Should I wait and do some checking when I am there or try to confront over the phone? Any thought would be appreciated
What you have written could be my story. The coworker, the text messages, and the claim that the exchanges are all about work, the shared lunches and the lack of communication with me.
When I managed to access my husband's private messages, I learned that he was in a full-blown emotional affair, with declarations of love on his part, innumerable embarrassing private details about me and our home life revealed to her, and so on. I think you need to trust your instincts. The amount of contact they are apparently having is too much for mere coworkers.
Do not believe them when they say it is all work-related. That's what my husband's hypocritical coworker claimed in an email to me, too, when I wrote and challenged her on their inappropriate relationship. (She didn't know that by the time I wrote to her I had read the entire text of the intimate online messages they had been exchanging for months.) Let this coworker confide the details of her marital problems to a female friend, or a single man, as is appropriate - not a married man. If it were me, I would tell her to do just that. Even if it were all innocent (and I am sure it is not) that would still be a more appropriate course of action for her.
If the number of text messages is reduced, my guess is that they have found some other way (or time) to communicate. Does he have MSN? A Skype account? Another phone? Go hunting. Please don't accept their denials any longer. If my experience is anything to go by, they are not worth the screens they're written on.
I thought that he had a PA (or a few) with coworkers due to his suspicious behavior. I didn't know what an EA was yet, but sure saw the red flags.
FWH started a new job in the midst of the PA and it was bad from the start. I was pregnant and he refused to wear his wedding ring to work, never introduced me to any coworkers, and would get extremely upset if I ever showed up at his work. He actually yelled at me when I brought him dinner and quickly got walked outside by him. He told me one night that he had gone out to get food with a female coworker (almost all were female anyway) and "It was so cool; she just grabbed my ipod and turned up the volume and blasted music in my car just like I would've done!" Jealousy immediately. "WTF was she doing in your car??" And I got all the lines how I'm just insecure and overly jealous. Duh. Cuz he was cheatin!
Anyway, text and picture messages were the next clue He was getting nasty messages and pictures that made me sick to my stomach as well as a lot of personal messages. He was also going out nights w/ coworkers that he wouldn't even introduce me to.
Post-PA, he admitted that at least 3 of these girls liked him. He didn't want them to get close, as he has a fear of intimacy. As soon as they would send him signals of "more than a friend" he would start distancing himself.
But MY instincts were right on! The last "beginning EA" was stopped in its tracks when I called the OW. WH had lied about her many ways, many times, and was working hard at covering it up. But I was keeping meticulous tabs on phone and text records. (I wrote down all his texts to me, then later compared them to online records. Found a few texts when he told me he was "sleeping" during his break at work, then nonstep texted the OW. *in his sleep apparently.*) After I called her, she was surprised that our marriage was going good. Apparently he had told her we were "separating" and yet told me we were "reconciling." She didn't stay in touch much after that!
And yet, it was still devastating to our marriage. They were in contact 24 hours a day. My FWH became addicted to IM and webcam. He even moved out of our bedroom. We were talking divorce. In the end I found over 300 emails and hours and hours of IM transcripts and a phone card account.
I do not think a PA could have been any more devastating. It finally ended when I told him I was done, and he could pack his shit and leave to be a weekend father. It finally flicked the switch in his head that he was an addict.
BUT - the idea that there is NO such thing as "only" an EA is simply not true. It discounts the devastation of online affairs.
My H had an EA with a co-worker for at least a year. During this time, he kept telling me I was an insecure, jealous b*tch...gee, I guess my radar was working.
Exactly! My husband said I was jealous and controlling, too. I have the log of his EA with a coworker and in that he complained about my jealousy! Well duh....
>> I get a lot of grief from Cally, about all the girls that I have to work with. She doesn't seem to realize that they have no interest in a man old enough to be their father. << (Note: no comment on the fact that HE might have an interest in THEM!) Then later he apologized to her:
>> Sorry too many years of living with an extremely jealous woman <<
Oh the irony of it!
Too right I was jealous - of the "just a friend" OW in particular. Because, like so many other SI posters, I felt in my gut that there was something wrong.
I wouldn't have your own EA. Why lower yourself to the same level?
[This message edited by Cally60 at 8:21 PM, April 10th (Friday)]