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Emotional Affairs

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Sad in AZ posted 6/5/2009 11:57 AM

Wow; this is amazing and disgusting. I had no idea there were so many other people in my situation (I'm new to SI.) You all have my empathy, sympathy and admiration. If only I had known about this site when I had my first d-day, I might be in a better state of mind today.

My WH claims (for the 10th, 20th, I can't remember) time that he loves only me and does not want to end our M. However, he cannot and will not admit the OW is an EA (although I suspect it is more than that), so I don't have much hope of a R. It's amazing that after 30+ years of marriage, he needs the affirmation of other women to make himself feel good. Yet here I am seeking the affirmation of other BS's to help me make a decision. Life truly is a circle and I want to go around with gusto!

BTW, I no longer wear my wedding ring; I have new one that states "To thine ownself be true." Kudos and best wishes to you all.

lhoward posted 6/5/2009 22:03 PM

Thanks! I guess I knew what the answer was and am still just too scared to face it. Why do we let them convince us that what is right there in our face does not exist or we just have interpreted it wrong. Like the time he told me that his email to OW about them getting together when I would be out of town was just him stringing her along. Well if that is true then why did you use an actual date that I was out of town? My therapist told me that I would believe only what I wanted to believe. I guess that is true...

capri posted 6/6/2009 22:30 PM

Why do we let them convince us that what is right there in our face does not exist or we just have interpreted it wrong.

Because we want desperately to believe what they're saying. Because the consequenses of not believing it are overwhelming: either live with the indignity of your spouse cheating on you, or risk the financial and emotional upheaval of separation and divorce.

Star727 posted 6/7/2009 13:18 PM

Why do we let them convince us that what is right there in our face does not exist or we just have interpreted it wrong.

My WH's continued (ad nauseum) explanation of continued contact with OW went like this:

He saw OW coworker at a funeral repass. The deceased man was a family member of his uncle's wife (she's deceased too) family. My WH considers the son of the deceased his cousin, but there is really no relation.

Anyway, WH saw OW at the repass, was surprised to see someone he works with there, found out she's the ex-girlfriend of this so-called cousin.

Whenever we discussed his longterm EA with her (went on about 5 years) he always starts with their conversations about this cousin, like thats all they talked about for 5 years!!!

He's trying so hard to convince me that they never slept together and all they did was talk and mostly about her and his cousin.

Last time he started on the cousin thing, I told him to save it, I didnt want to hear about that anymore and that I know they had other conversation with each other.

He thought continued talking to her would be okay if he could convince me that it was necessary to talk about this cousin.

I guess he really thought I was that weak.

Star727 posted 6/7/2009 13:27 PM

While reading through these posts, I decided to ask a question because its definitely affecting me everyday.

Could you forgive or forget your spouse if they had a longterm (5 years) EA with a fellow coworker, demanded NC and it was broken twice, spouse is not apologetic and continues to explain they were just friends, nothing sexual ever happened, nothing romantic ever happened. Also, if you saw the detailed cell phone bill and saw that they talked to each other 4-5 times a day, 7 days a week, even when spouse and family was away on vacation for the past 2 years.

Also, WS is emotionally detached from BS and it really got worse after D-Day #1. But when asked for a divorce, WS didn't want one and is physically trying to make up for what he has done (like doing things around the house, buying gifts for BS, etc.).

After describing all that, does it sound like WS could still be in love with OW?

capri posted 6/8/2009 14:53 PM

LOL, Star. My fwh has tried to pass off THIRTEEN YEARS as them sending e-mails like, 'brr, it's really cold here.' Uh, yeah, that was worth lying to me repeatedly, playing shell games with the e-mail accounts, and misrepresenting who she was. I can't say I'd toss my husband under a bus just to be able to continue 'brr, it's really cold here,' with some other guy, so either he's lying or I'm really incredibly worthless to him.

JVS3 posted 6/8/2009 17:42 PM

Could you forgive or forget your spouse if they had a longterm (5 years) EA with a fellow coworker, demanded NC and it was broken twice, spouse is not apologetic and continues to explain they were just friends, nothing sexual ever happened, nothing romantic ever happened.

Star, my answer to this would simply be, no. Until spouse comes out of that fog and realizes that what he is doing is wrong, stops his behaviour is remorseful and commits to marriage, then I could not forgive.

It doesn't matter if spouse/OP has been talking about the weather or family members or whatever, the fact is he is being disrespectful of your/our feelings - our love, our fear, our heartbreak - when/if they continue with EA. For me, it's almost worst than a PA - because I could at least understand the sexual attraction - but to continue to be in contact/talk so that he/OP can just have their "fix" whilst we are in so much pain is particularly reprehensible to me.

Sad in AZ posted 6/10/2009 18:59 PM

Star: You described my situation to a T, and, no, I cannot forgive my WH as long as he continues to have contact with OW. Since he INSISTS there has been no PA with her and that they only discuss work-related subjects (and her family problems--never ours-HA) I have even gone as far as saying he can have contact as long as I am with him, but this has not worked either. I don't think I'll ever win.

iamsurviving posted 6/11/2009 10:57 AM

My H had an office EA for over 3 years. Found minimized email 12/07 and later found over 100+ emails. Also found out about sausage biscuits, cards, phone calls and whatnot. Devastated beyond words for 18 months but in R. H is beside himself - Me - I've had so many physical, emotional and financial problems because of it I thought I wasn't going to make it BUT I'm here and doing the best I can. Some days are good, some days are bad - triggers, thunderstorms, endless tears BUT we are both working at it - been married over 40+ years. Hang in there - God will make a way - I promise. God bless you and hope you have a wonderful day.

Cally60 posted 6/12/2009 17:12 PM

he INSISTS there has been no PA with her and that they only discuss work-related subjects (and her family problems--never ours-HA)

I would be very skeptical of this, too. When I wrote to the OW, to ask her to stop having inappropriate conversations with my husband, both online and at work, she claimed exactly the same thing. Quote from her email:

"You should know that I am married I don't want to damage my marriage and also your marriage too. Mostly we talk or discuss work related. "

A complete lie. She didn't give a d*mn about my marriage, only the stroking of her own nasty ego. I knew it was a lie, because I had the log of all their online conversations; with my husband telling her he loved her, complaining about what a terrible wife I was, etc. - and her encouragement of it all.

Hypocritical cow. People having affairs lie. Through their teeth. It's so much easier than telling a BS the truth. I'm sorry.

[This message edited by Cally60 at 5:18 PM, June 12th (Friday)]

Katieisfree posted 6/13/2009 21:55 PM

I am having trouble understanding how FWH could have affair that broke up out marriage with a woman who did not want to break up her marriage.

What was he getting out of this relationship? They could not go anywhere together (even though he did attend concert with OW and OWH)and had little in common besides working together.

Now it has ended (the PA) I find it difficult to believe they do not talk because they were so close.

Is the closeness real or imagined. Was he really able to tell her things he could not tell me?

He maintains there is NC and they do not even look at each other.

PacificFan posted 6/15/2009 11:02 AM

I am for sure that this EM is going to the next level. I found out last night that he has charged airline and a hotel stay close to the the Ow he's having an OEA with. I was so good at the 180 so far (only a week) but after I saw that on our OL bill, I freaked, It was 11 pm and I called him. Understand the one of the reasons WH said he was leaving was because of he was afraid I was going spend our retirement before we were 80. Always yelling if we went over budget that it was my fault. Now he charges $1000+ to go see the OW.

So I was nice and didn't yell. I did ask him what was going to happen, He said he didn't know. I asked if we could talk when he gets back in a week. As always, he said,"Maybe" . I am starting counseling on Wed. and going to legal aid on Thur. Everything he says is just crazy. I can't even believe this. But...He has never been a very caring sort of guy so. I snapped last night and just want closure of somekind. He will not be back for a week so I have lots of time to think. I don't want waste another minute worrying what is going to happen to me. He doesn't have that control any longer. (at least for today) JavaScript:AddSmily('%20%20')

capri posted 6/16/2009 23:52 PM

I have even gone as far as saying he can have contact as long as I am with him, but this has not worked either.

You know, with both the ow that I knew about at the time they were still going on (there were others that ended before I found out), I told him he was WELCOME to have these 'just friends' as long as they e-mailed him at our joint account. He chose to end the relationships entirely rather than let me in.

That speaks for itself.

capri posted 6/17/2009 00:02 AM


"You should know that I am married I don't want to damage my marriage and also your marriage too. Mostly we talk or discuss work related."

A complete lie. She didn't give a d*mn about my marriage, only the stroking of her own nasty ego. I knew it was a lie, because I had the log of all their online conversations; with my husband telling her he loved her, complaining about what a terrible wife I was, etc. - and her encouragement of it all.

EVEN IF they only talked about work related things...

I'm in a somewhat similar position with OW#3 (disgusting when you have to number them ) that she was "ONLY" sending cutesy forwards. Three to five times a week, and ALWAYS, "You're such a special friend." "I'm so glad I met you." "If you feel the same way about me, send this back."

But ya know.... If I was 23... and there were already rumors going around work about all the married men I'd supposedly slept with... and a nearly 40 year old man came to me and said "MY wife now thinks there's something going on between us because of these e-mails." --- well, if I were completely innocent, I would think I'd be horrified that YET AGAIN someone thinks I'm sleeping with her husband and go OMG!!!! I don't want anyone getting that impression! If it's a problem, I'll STOP!

I just can't imagine being told that, AS SHE WAS, and continuing, or just informing the wife, "It's no big deal, don't worry."

What is WRONG with these people????

(BTW-- at the same time these cutesy forwards stopped, there were severeal incidents, including my husband lying about a couple of hours that still remain unaccounted for, and 4 flattened/punctured tires that still make me wonder how innocent this poor little girl really is. Maybe she is just that stupid to continue what she knows a married man's wife objects to, but if so, she's really opened herself to suspicion.)

Unsuspecting posted 7/1/2009 22:36 PM

EA card carrying member now....

Hemmm....Six months ago, I found an inappropriate email from my husband to another woman. He left it in our printer (Einstein move). As I looked at it closer, I saw that it was from an email that I did not know existed. It seems that this email was created for him to communicate with just her as I could not find any other correspondences to others on this network. He immediately confessed that it was a secretive email and that he had been emailing her for three years.
I asked what the other emails said, and he stated that there were probably a few other inappropriate comments. However, he would not admit to having an "emotional affair" as he always talked about our kids and me. Well, upon scanning our computers for previously sent emails, he was right, he did talk about me alright. He trashed me every chance he got. He was sexual even when the conversation didn't lend itself to a sexual commentary. He attempted to meet with her on several occasions when he was in town for business. Fortunately or unfortunately, based upon the email correspondences, they never did meet (but not because of lack of effort on his part).

I personally cannot get over the dialogue in which my husband engaged, and it was primarily him. He was continuously perverted in these emails. He talked about how he wanted to see pictures of her so that he could fantasize about her, talked about her breasts, asked what she was wearing as she typed, etc. I would've NEVER suspected this behavior from him.

We're attending marriage counseling right now (which is ironic because I'm in this profession), but I've always said that if something like this ever happened to me, I would be gone yesterday. He did end it with her attributing it to my discomfort with the communications but specifying how he had enjoyed the three years of chat. I'm still not happy with this alleged closure.

pamspray posted 7/9/2009 15:33 PM

My husband has been having an EA since Sept 08. They kissed but have done nothing else physical according to him. They shared the words "I love you" and many intimate conversations. How dare he! He claims the other woman is just his friend now but I don't believe him. I think that there is no reason for her to be involved in his life whatsoever considering what the EA has done to our marriage. We are currently living separately because I'm tired of waiting for a response other than "I don't know" or excuses.

StormySands posted 7/9/2009 15:42 PM

pamspray- That's all I hear... "I don't know".."We're just friends" If they we're truly just friends, he would walk away from that freindship to stabilize, save your marriage.

I think the EA's hurt more cause their heart is in it. not just their... well you know

JVS3 posted 7/13/2009 20:02 PM

Even after passing polygraph that there was no PA I still had doubts. My H could lie so well that I figured somehow he had managed to screw with the exam/examiner.

Anyway, recently I decided to listen one last time to the taped conversation of my H and the OW before deleting it. In it he is telling her how I had him under surveillance/suspicion and that he couldn't get away from me (this after telling me he wanted to go/be with me everywhere to prove to me that nothing was going on).

Then for the first time I really heard what she said in reply. She asked "Is she vexed with me?" Of course, the asshole answered that I didn't know who it was and she didn't have to worry.

After thinking about it, "Is she vexed with me?" I think these words would have been too mild a reaction from the OW if they had been having a PA.

Thoughts from anyone?

At Fault? posted 7/13/2009 20:09 PM

I am in almost same exact position.
I feel like I will never be sure about the PA possibility. She has told me many details and I have snooped endlessly. But unless you and I learn how to read minds we will never know for sure.
I will continue to dig around and I am forced to assume that there may always be more.
It sucks to be us, we didn't choose it. We just get to clean it up.

JVS3 posted 7/13/2009 20:15 PM

Thanks AF. It really sucks that I actually find reassurance in the OW's words when everything that HE said is like a dagger to my soul.

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