SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
I don't know where I fit in here. And not sure where to even post, or if I should. I am currently separated from my husband who had an affair with ex wife while we were married, she now lives in my house with him. But I have had a friend also for almost 2 yrs, who is married. We met on an adult dating site and his reasoning was his wife was very over weight. It wasnt suppose to be anything but a few times in the sack, but over the last 2 years it has turned into a very emotional affair. He is military and I have waited thru his deployments,he has flown me to where he was in training to spend time with him. He is the best thing that has happened to me, other than he is married. I am 51 y/0 and he is 37. He's been married 15 yrs and has 4 kids. She is a stay at home mom and supposedly does not have any idea about me. I actually go to his house and eat supper with them from time to time and she thinks I am just a friend. So why am I writing here? This man has my heart and soul, and I love him so much. He says he feels the same, BUT will NOT leave his marraige. I have recently decided that a move back to my home town (300 miles) is the best thing for both of us. I dont want to hurt his kids, or actually his wife either. She is very obese, but that is not a reason to do this to her. I am really torn. Do I walk away and leave it be, or should she know what hes been doing? As a woman, I would want to know. Or is it better to be quiet????
hearing my husband tell me that he loves another woman is the hardest thing i've ever had to hear.
I'm a member of this group also. Glad to see it exist. My H was a 13+ year EA (only because she is in another town although they did see each other once so who knows, could be PA). High school GF found on Classmates (hate that sight!).
He's finally admitting it was an affair and blew us apart. We are working on R but it's only been 3 months so there are still tons of questions and healing to be done.
I guess having been on both sides, do I leave it behind or do I tell her? Im glad someone told me, but maybe not for everyone.
kayz28, i would tell his wife and end it immeadetly. and you can always check out wayward forums. they would have better advice....
i too am a memmber of the EA group, as far as i know. my SO has trickled truth me to no end. and i feel i've become close to giving up. he had 5 EAs and i just found out one i thought ended in feb lasted much longer. told him i was pregnant in march. found out he'd added her to a myspace he'd set up to look at my profile. his last log in date was 5/4/09. we were already doing CC. no wonder it didn't work. he went 100% for R june 9th, but left that part out. turns out the OW left out she was engaged. i wish i could talk to her F and let him know what he's dealing with.
he still says he was just "talking" to all of these girls. but did admit to trying and wanting a PA with one of them. but that it never went there. (i doubt it cause we bought a new pack of condoms and six went missing around that time. even though i found out later she doesn't use condoms anyways. her and her H cheat on each other constantly. ya that was a keeper.)
my SO won't tell me anything about this last one. and i fear there's more than i know. because when i discovered it and even now he protects her. he didn't do that with any of the other ones. he doesn't understand that what he did was cheating. he just says it was inappropriate. i now fear theres more than i know, maybe even more OW. or that most didn't end. (2 were ok with the fact that i'm here. talk about self esteem. ) he took away from our relationship to feed these. he's a constant disappointment to me and im beginning to fear he will always be, and will prolly do the same things to my daughter. i wish he could understand. i don't know if we'll make it through this....
oh yea, and he's always said an ex of his who was a pediphile (long story) and used him, was the love of his life. has he ever taken it back? sorta. but i will always believe he's just with me until she comes around. (even though they don't talk.) he's compared every girl and relationship to her, which made them all fail. why? cause she was a predator catching her prey. it was a fantasy, so therefore not a true relationship. gave him false expectations. another thing was he always told OW they were beautiful. and would always stop saying it to me at this time, so he's no longer able to say that to me anymore period. i can't deal. so what does he do? starts calling me pretty. not breathtaking, or poetry, or gorgeous, or anything. pretty. how belittling is that compared to beautiful like the OW were?
[This message edited by butifuldisaster at 7:56 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]
I think the worst thing other than the A he was having was him denying it and denying it even after I knew the truth, seemed like he didnt know how to tell the truth. I think if he had admitted it and came clean it would have made a huge difference. I am afraid of hurting my As kids, and wife, they have done nothing to deserve this heartache. Telling her is best though??
I also PMed.
I am a FWW 2 years out. I am sorry you find yourself in here.
So it looks like you are separated and stbxW, and then unknowingly became the OW.
And MM sounds like a typical cakeman. He likes to keep both world. By being someone's secret, you are disrespecting yourself. Just because he hasn't kissed you, or hasn't had sexual intercourse with you, that doesn't mean that he is innocent. He is thinking like most WSs, as long as it doesn't get physical, he is ok, but he is wrong.
Think about this in the long run. It will not be good for your emotional well-being.
Since he already told you that he will not leave his W, which means that you will always be the OW.
His W deserve to know, but you cannot predict how she would react. Even if you told his W, he will deny like typical foggy MM behavior and W will buy his lies, or if he is a serial cheater, there are possiblity that many other other women at each places.
It is up to you to tell his W, but I must say, run to the other direction, and cut him off before you go into the full PA.
Hang in there. Beach
[This message edited by beach at 11:45 AM, July 15th (Wednesday)]
Thank you Beach for even responding to me. I know it must look so terrible to have put myself in this position. As far as physical, it has been from the beginning. But also very emotional. I dont know anymore what to think. I really love him for what ever reason I could have. I don't want to hurt her but yeah, when I leave Im sure there will be another, if not already. It's hard to move on , again. I always feel like Im running.
So it is PA/EA?
Anyways, you are right. He sounds like a typical narcisistic personality disorder and probably has a multiple other womens under his wings, like ducks in the row for ego boost.
Now, I posted this "addictive relationship" thread in Wayward. I wanted to share this with you.
If you are still in the fantasy stage and only enjoying the highs, think about this. Addictive relationships have you doing things you would not 'normally' do.
*Like sitting and waiting for a long time for a phone call and then getting moody when it doesn't happen.
*Like keeping your schedule open for "what if" someone is available; putting you life 'on hold' for someone else.
*Like doing things you wouldn't do except that it's for/about "that" person.
*Like being cranky and mean to other people in your life because you are not happy with the way the addictive R is going.
*Like obsessing in your mind and compulsive behavior to be with the person.
*Like forgetting about 'everything' else in your life when in the presence of the person. This is where reality meets fantasy. You are so myopic (near sighted) you don't see the rest of the world around you. You create a reality to escape to and push away the rest of the world - reality.
*You feel love, and especially passion, but you are not loving to the rest of the world. Your love is coveted for the one person.
*The difference between an addictive relationship and a healthy relationship is how it affects your OTHER relationships; especially the one with yourself!
Rather than thinking of it as real vs addictive think of it as healthy vs addictive. What is a healthy relationship? Fantasy is just part of addictive relationships. A healthy relationship doesn't need fantasy... it's just... healthy!
I got this from one of my wise women. And I don't miss those emotional roller coasters. I don't want to go back there.
Speaking from my own experience, when most FWSs were not in the normal 24/7 relationship with xAP and not in the marrieage where there is no domestic responsibilities, taking care of kids, or paying the bills, most WS tend to rominticize xAP looking through the rose colored glasses and think xAP is ideal person in their view. Limited time meetings/communication fuels the fantasy world and it enabled FWSs to perpetuate the fantasies and became the intense meeting/chat session and look forward to the next session.
Let's not forget following stuff.
*Healthy love isn't a secret
*Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone
*Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion
*Healthy love doesn't cause resentment
*Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'
*Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time
*Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations
I hope this makes sense.
[This message edited by beach at 10:19 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]
Oh and Kayz, are you in IC? If not, in the mean time, please look into love addiction, codependency, abandonment issues. You need to reconnect with yourself and dig deeeper, why you are attracted to an unavailable man.
Following books helped me.
"Love addiction" by Pea Melody
"Codependent no more", "Beyond codependent", "the language of letting go", and "Journey to the heart". All are by Melody Beattie
"Journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson.
I sent you PM, but you can PM me anytime. Hang in there.
[This message edited by beach at 10:24 PM, July 15th (Wednesday)]
Oh my!! The addictive relationship warning signs were an eye opener! There was not one that did not apply to me!! I have fallen into this trap all my life. Abandonment issues stem from being adopted at birth, at least thats what I have thought. I have read Codependent no more, several years ago, and will have to get it again. Thank you for your words of wisdom.
You are welcome and I am glad it helped.
.....One more book suggestion. "Women, Sex, and addiction" by Charlotte Kasl Davis.
Oh and you can come back to Wayward forum and you can start your thread without the "stop" sign as Deeply Scared instructed you.
[This message edited by beach at 10:39 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by Stop at 10:41 AM, July 16th (Thursday)]
Count me in. My husband was having an EA for 3 1/2 months. One of my co-workers saw him kissing her in the post office parking lot, he denies they were kissing. I found out on our 5 year weddding anniversary, May 29th.
We are R but I still hurt so bad, I don't know how to get past this and move on. Whenever we talk about our future or things we would like to do together I get so pissed. He acted like he hated me for 3 months and lied to my face day in and day out and she was so much more important to him than I was or his kids where, how do you just shut that off, I don't get it!
I feel so... I don't even know how I feel anymore.
My WS started a EA with a woman a "vendor" at work introduced him to- not thinking of the major work consequences of his job! He emailed her in December- right around my b-day, x-mas, and our sons adoption. He even told her things he "got for x-mas" that he actually got for me! Then in Feb. they met in person at a poker game and the whole thing ended b/c neither liked the other- yeah for me, except at the same time he was starting an EA with a former co-worker, who came to him for domestic violence help. HE told both women that he was a single dad, never married, and that he was adopting his dead sisters child. It was as if I hadn't exisisted for the past 7 years.
What hurts the most- he was using my career and knowledge to help this woman- he would call me and ask for DV shelters or counselors in the area and then asked me for the website where I got info about childcare centers. Then he lied to me telling me that Woman was a Man whose wife was a drug addict and he would go out with Man to cheer him up. When I found the text message log and cell phone bill- at first I thought my WH was gay- all the names were a mans. Then I called the number- whoops! Got caught.
He lied to me and told me to sleep-in on Saturdays so he could take our son to have a playdate with the man- it kills me to know he was out with her, WITH OUR SON!!! He even took our son on a playdate to my most favorite place in the world- that we don't get to go to often b/c it is expensive- now I can't go b/c it is a trigger!
How can he tell me he loves me and wants to R, when he wrote me out of his life for 5-6 months and told the other woman he loved her? IS it normal for them to lie so much to get away with the EA?
Thank you for that list, Beach.
H had an EA for 3 years (3 months of emails) back in 07. I'm having a terrible time getting through it. I constantly rehash the emails back and forth with myself, cry during the day and night and in the car. The little things are driving me absolutely crazy. H broke his leg and I had to drive him back and forth to work for 10 weeks. I didn't know I was sending H upstairs to OP through all of this. We're 42+ years of marriage -I am not in MC and don't want to be. I need to know if anyone else is going through this horrible rehashing and am I losing my mind or what? H wants to work marriage out and so do I but for 19 months it has been up and down so much. It's wearing me out emotionally, financially, spiritually and whatever else is left. I feel so sad all the time and I feel like everyone knows about it. No one knows about the EA. My best friends passed away 3 years ago so I'm lost for someone to talk to. Can anyone tell me I'm going to be OK? Some days I feel like it's ok and sometimes I don't know what I'm doing here. OP no longer works with H and there has been no correspondence whatsoever since 12/07 - I can't get over the disloyalty and the broken vows after 40+ years of marriage. Hope everyone here has a good day and I hope I didn't upset anyone. I just need to know I'm normal and everything will be OK. Thank you for letting me vent and God bless all of you here.
I promise you, you're not the only one who's gone through this experience, and I promise you, life will get better
Hugs to you
Why is that the H's don't think the EA are a bad thing. My H thinks that he should be able to talk to who ever, how ever he feels is right. I think a PA would be far worse but the EA still have the same effect in my opinion.
i have been through two of them now and they suck. I don't know if R is even a option in his mind right now.
I read all the posts and feel just like everyone else here.
Thanks for putting this link in.
I'm new here. Been lurking. I need to know if anyone else has been in a similar situaiton to me.
My h had a 6 week EA, but the woman he fell in love with did not return his feelings.
Is it still an EA if the ow doesn't return the feelings?
My other problem is my h doesn't think he had an affair, b/c it wasn't physical + she didn't feel the same way about him.
I want him to look on this website, in the desperate hope he will understand some of what I'm going through, but how can I ask, when he denies it was an affair?
He texted her daily, msn daily, called every 2 days (that I know of), took her out to resturants, just the two of them, went for long walks, just the two of them + more and he hid all of this from me.
And Yes, I am 110% sure it was just EA and she didn't return the feelings b/c I was the one to call her and tell her my h loved her (after he told me over the phone "I don't know if I love you or want to be with you anymore... I love ow") and she freaked out. She has been the only person in this mess to be completely honest with me.
Same happened to me with W who was talking and texting to ex BF for about 3 months everday until he went back to prison. And this was 5 years into the marriage. W will not see that as having an EA. W states "I just talked to an old BF." I told her once or twice I could try and understand. But 5 years into the marriage and then 3 months of phone calls and texts when I'm not around is just plain wrong.