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Emotional Affairs

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2yrsinthedark posted 4/9/2008 20:28 PM

How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs. WS going back to his EA partner. I recently found out I did. More details in a while.

confusedbythis posted 4/9/2008 20:44 PM

tormented soul...

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I have been and am telling him those exact statements but the problem is, I guess,...ME. I say all of that and then he just "drops by" to see how we're doing or just "calls to check in" and I don't cut the conversation short.

What is wrong with me? I know that I need to make my boundary very clear but I seem to want him to "get it" by me just preaching and preaching to him...The very real action of cutting him out of our life until he starts to "get it" on his own seems to be too hard a step for me to take.

I know he doesn't love her or even want to be with her in a real relationship. But that doesn't take away from the FACT that every ounce of energy he gives to her is taking away from the energy he should be putting into OUR issues. So clear yet so difficult to get through...


ARmom posted 4/9/2008 21:00 PM

Thanks to the mods for starting this.

I am in the EA only group - the OW in my case was 1300 miles away the entire affair. She was pressuring him to meet her at a nearby city while she was between flights and this is the point where WH ended it or it might have become a PA.

However, I can honestly say I do not think that would have made it any more hurtful than it already was. The sheer volume and content of their communication over the 3 month EA was already overwhelming and beyond painful.

The one thing I can be thankful for is that my WH realized that this WAS indeed an affair. He knew this from beginning.

And yes, I had false R for 2.5 months - and a broken NC after that. That caused more damage I think than the affair itself.

So, here I am. My whole story is in my profile.

gemini_june_20 posted 4/9/2008 21:45 PM

I'm the survivor of an EA. I don't think (and don't know for sure) whether it was an EA that turned into a PA or not. But in the end, the EA was just as bad in my book. When my WS had the EA, he emotionally disconnected from me and emotionally connected to her. The cell phone bills mounted and he even carried his cell phone to bed with us just in case she called.

Anyhow, I think an EA can be just as much if not MORE damaging than a PA (especially if the PA is a one night stand vs. an EA which is typically a deeper connection).

My thoughts are will you. This is a painful time. Take care and hang in there. Sending hugs.....

hopefulnz posted 4/9/2008 22:13 PM

How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs.

Count me in. False R went on for a year. FWH didn't seem to get that ANY contact he had with her was wrong.

He seemed to think phone calls & texts were harmless.

Dagny07 posted 4/9/2008 22:46 PM

Count me in, too.

ispyonyou posted 4/10/2008 09:00 AM

Great, another group I can join! My WH is an a$$hole. I'm in the angry stage now. He had multiple EA's , some for a prolonged period of time,but all running concurrently with one being an EA/PA with my former bestfriend. I have a winner don't I? Sorry I am venting!!

Better Days Soon posted 4/10/2008 15:05 PM

Hi, Im 2 mths in since d-day of my wife commiting adultery she had the EA for six months before this I confronted her and said I dont belive you can just be freinds with this guy as she was cleaning his house etc the EA is still continuing
struggling its 6am and cant seem to sleep well seeing my councilor today the lies are the hardest he came to my house the other day when I was at work and she is paying of his b,day present and the phone is full of his texts etc she promised any advice please NC

justfriends posted 4/11/2008 09:41 AM

Sorry, can't join....his was a PA as well.

[This message edited by justfriends at 9:42 AM, April 11th (Friday)]

2yrsinthedark posted 4/12/2008 08:44 AM

Betterdays, NC needs to start now or she needs to leave. IMHO. I should talk, I just found out he broke NC and he is still here. But if you feel emotionally strong enough, give her that ultimatum, or maybe a 180 will work.

tormentedsoul posted 4/13/2008 01:35 AM

So do you ever think we'll get over the fear that it was a PA and we just don't know all the facts yet?

wiserinsocal posted 4/13/2008 02:06 AM

EA or PA, it equals betrayal.

It hurts like a son of a b*tch. I would have rather suffered a near death injury.

The time invested in the EA does an incredible amount of damage to the marriage.

Sorry to remind folks here that kissing even a little in the A, makes it a PA as well.

Peace to you all.

capri posted 4/13/2008 02:07 AM

how many of you have to endure that your spouse still works with the op?

:raising hand:

I started to feel a little better when they were working opposite shifts. But then we've had incidents such as last April when I picked him up from work. He came out one of the enrances near where she works. He gave me some story about how she wasn't even there, although he was supposedly in the other half of ER, not where she works. He said he went by to check that she wasn't there because he knew I'd be upset. HUH? So if he wasn't going to be near her desk anyway, why go all that way? It made no sense.

And I now know that she's been picking up overtime on his shift. He never mentions it, of course, although there's no doubt he sees her.

On the other hand, I've got some outside verification he's barely on her radar anymore. Unfortunately, he has lied to me so often over the years that his word just doesn't do it anymore.

2yrsinthedark posted 4/13/2008 13:12 PM

I had asked Sprint for a full detailed bill for the calls in Feb. I found out she called him in Feb and they spoke a few times. Then the bill for the month of March showed some numbers blocked for the first week of March. Several calls and a couple for about 20 mins. About the time I found out about Feb's calls and I tried to contact her, those March blocked calls stopped. To this day he insists he only talked to her once in Feb, and that was it. The bill shows the first call for about 20 min then the following day another for 10 min. The following week she called him twice but I dont think thye spoke, those show for 1 min only. (bare w/ me)Thenk came those blocked numbers in March. I asked him and all he can say is that he
doesnt know where those calls came from and he doesnt remember.
I swear he thinks Im stupid. He rufuses to admit it. He never even asked to see the statement, now if you were being accused of something u didnt do, wouldnt u want to see it and figure out what happened? Now I know why he got so upset when I tried to contact her and tell her off, they were still communicating! I need your advice, what do I do. I dont have absolulte proof, ( he only confesses when I have proof.) I dont know what to do, I dont want to be
angry all the time, but do I just go on and pretend it didnt happen?? Help.
By the way, she refuses to take my calls.

[This message edited by 2yrsinthedark at 1:14 PM, April 13th (Sunday)]

tormentedsoul posted 4/13/2008 14:08 PM

don't let it drive you crazy, I see lots of blocked numbers on my phone and my ww's. Not every blocked call is something to get suspicious about.. I know.. It drove me nuts for months until one of my best friends called and we talked for an hour.. if I was the WS, that would have looked incriminating.. lucky for me I'm the honest and trustworthy one.. hang in there... keep checking, eventually you'll either find something or become more accepting that nothing is going on (I'm over a year out and I still check the phone bill every month)

2yrsinthedark posted 4/13/2008 14:30 PM

I know, but since I knew for sure that she was calling till the end of Feb, then those blocked calls started for the 1st wk in March. They stopped suddenly when she knew that I knew. They talked for over 20 min twice, and he doesnt remember?? I dont think so. I know I know, I got to let it go for now.
I asked him to send an NC letter. He is working on it, he doesnt want to,but he says he will do it. Anyway, I read his first draft. REJECT! Altough he told her no more communication, he apologized for what he did the HER AND ME!! Telling her that she was a wonderful person and she deserved to find someone. I DONT THINK SO!! He was taking all the blame, but she deserves some credit. Am I right? I told him that it should say more like.... WE screwed up, WE betrayed BS (me).
Also, I didnt really love you, I love my wife, I was in love w/ the idea of another life. I told him that I dont expect him to end things badly, BUT, he doesnt need to be so wishy washy either.

trustagain posted 4/13/2008 17:50 PM

I, too am a member of the EA club. I have also caught broken NC three times, a private cell phone, etc. No trust here whatsoever. Trying to R, but I don't know how to do that without trust.

I am constantly looking for clues. I can't stop. Haven't found anything in over a month, but my trust in him is so broken, I can't stop thinking that they just went further underground.

I can't understand, that if "nothing" happened why OW is more important than the respect he should have for me.

capri posted 4/13/2008 21:25 PM

How many of us EA mbrs have had false Rs. WS going back to his EA partner. I recently found out I did. More details in a while.

We've had that. Several times, really. He told me he got rid of the secret e-mail account. I trusted him absolutely, forgave all, and in my mind and heart it was truly over. 18 months later, I found the second one.

He led me to believe he'd quit communicating with her by removing her from that account. He gave me the pw and told me in front of the MC that NOW I KNEW EVERYTHING, he was an OPEN BOOK.

Come to find out, he just switched her over to his work account.

Supposedly he's been nc with her since August 06, but how in the world am I ever supposed to trust after that? Especially when he's made it clear he will not open his work account to me. And the twice I've pushed, it turns out he DOES get personal mail there which he doesn't forward to me as promised. He just shrugs that off with various excuses. But I'm supposed to just blindly trust that she isn't among them, ever.

tormentedsoul posted 4/13/2008 22:21 PM

I guess I'm lucky. My ww used her home computer to access her work e-mail and low and behold she told her computer to remember her password, now I have all the web mail access I want, 6 months and now contact through her cell phone, home or work e-mail addresses. Maybe your home computer has the information you need to access his work e-mail

coffeehater78 posted 4/15/2008 10:11 AM

Newbie here,
first off, thanks for a place to vent to whoever started this site/thread.
I too am a victim of a WS having an EA. To start matters off, I was not the best husband I could have been for 11 years now. I was not there for her when she needed and I didn't know how to show my feelings. I recently,(through this whole ordeal) found out maybe I need something medical to help me through the day, my whole family on my mothers side have to depend on anti-depressants. So I looked up some info and I too have a doctor's appt. to see what my options to make me a better husband/father.
Sorry to make this too long, but my story is this, I found out my WW was getting too friendly with guy from work. She said we needed to make separate email accounts so me and her can write/flirt with each other and the kids not know what was being said. I thought that was a good idea and went for it. She did this as she was texting on the cell phone and used up our 400 text in just 3 days on mostly him. So then the emailing started and I found out. I confronted and she said it was just friends, which I still was extremely jealous. But trusted her. I still told her to hold it down and not stay on emails all night...she agreed.
A night or two of this went by, but still had 30-50 emails a night. I dont know exactly what was said but for the emails she kept the OP was telling my wife that he thought she was wonderful and beautiful. This is all true, but to read it from another man and to know my wife liked it was something else to stomach.
So I said no more contact and she agreed.
That didn't last 24 hours, the next night they were back at it on the computer and after I asked her to quit, she said one more minute, which lasted another 21 minutes, so I went to the breaker panel and turned the power off on the house. This broke my power supply on my computer and we had no emailing or internet for a week. This was the most wonderful week we both had in a long time, we got along and I really felt she loved me again.
The week didn't last.
She got a friend to give her a laptop, for free and that was ok, but she didn't even leave the laptop giving friends house to get back online and start emailing him again.
Side note, they have to do all their talking away from work because he is a security person at work and they are not supposed to be in this kind of friendship anyway.
When we got home I had to see what was being said on the computer and she no it was her own business. It was a bad night for both none the less. The next day we had our alone time, she went off by herslelf and I did the same. I found these emails later in the day which she told him that she wanted more from him than just friends, this realy got me boiling and I told her to call him now infront of me and tell him its over, which she did......FOOL ME AGAIN>
The emails stopped and as far as I know there was no contact. Then I checked her laptop 6 days later and the history showed a new email address that they had just went further underground. I hacked into that and what I read there made me barf. They had not turned it into a PA yet from the best I could tell but at least this time I forwarded all the emails to a secret account and told her I knew everything.
I am still a little lost here
She even says shes not physically attracted to this guy, but continues going back to him....The only reason she says its off now is embarrassment from her family. That was the only thing she asked, is that if I don't tell on her she would give me a week to prove she was over him. I feel fooled so many times what do I do?
Am I too trusting, or am I just that horrible to be around that she would rather be with someone else that I don't think she even likes.
I promised to get medical help and go to therapy but this has not been enough to her, do I need to give her time to see I can be what she loved 11 years ago again?
Sorry for so many questions but no one knows the pain like this.
I too have been in a near death experience as I had my right leg amputated 3 years ago in freak industrial accident that nearly took my life. Was in the hospital for 6 weeks. I would rather go through that hell a million times over than to experience this for another minute.
thanks for letting me vent here

reallylost posted 4/15/2008 12:07 PM

I have been so blown away by the magnitude of the pain I have felt from this experience...I in some ways feel like I just woke up from a life was just coasting by until 12/26/07..forever my life will life before and my life afterwards....I often felt before this that my H was better than me, I totally trusted him with my everything!! Where do you go after that? I blamed myself at first..what was wrong with me, sure I'm not perfect...that is no excuse!!Have you heard about the book, "Not Just Friends", I recommend it highly, for you and for your spouse. This is a process, somedays I didn't think I would survive it. But, I did and you will too..get here, so many have experienced the same thing..and if you need meds, take them..I am still considering it. Stay Strong!!

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