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Emotional Affairs

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yazman posted 8/14/2009 07:24 AM

Same happened to me with W who was talking and texting to ex BF for about 3 months everday until he went back to prison. And this was 5 years into the marriage. W will not see that as having an EA. W states "I just talked to an old BF." I told her once or twice I could try and understand. But 5 years into the marriage and then 3 months of phone calls and texts when I'm not around is just plain wrong.

mybugga posted 8/14/2009 07:32 AM

welcome yaz

First of all we are all so sorry that you are here.

I'm a member of the emotional affairs club also. It has truly been hell for me. But do know that you are not alone in this.
SI can be a great support system for you.

living_life posted 8/14/2009 07:47 AM

yazman, did the ex boyfriend return the feelings?

I'm just wondering if it is an EA if the OP doesn't return the feelings

yazman posted 8/14/2009 07:58 AM


Yes, he did, and threatened to kill me because I never asked for his permission to marry W while he was in prison. He's an immigrant and I guess in his country that's the way things go.

shushpuppy posted 8/20/2009 09:29 AM

6 years ago my hubby started a new job after spending 18months unemployed. His self esteem was at an all time low and we werent exactly seeing eye to eye. 6 months into his job i was usig his mobile phone to send a text message to my sister and saw a text message saying Hi Gorgeous, your quiet today xxxxxxx The look on his face was that of shock and horror when i read it out and he just didnt have a clue what to say. He stuttered, stammered and said a male friend had sent it as a joke. I didnt buy it! He became very angry that i had even been using his phone when it was the normal thing for me to do.

I kept my eyes and ears open and my mouth shut. I noticed one particular number kept ringing him and vice versa. This number belonged to another female work colleague. Their phone calls always seemed to be done during his lunchtime and lasted for periods of up to 30 minutes.

I confronted him and as you can guess he denied everything. Told me it was all work related and i should basically mnd my own business.

He is very protective of this OW and wont have anyone say a wrong word about her. She is married and has a child.

Recently the pair of them lost their jobs and were made redundant. Out of 30 employees they were the only ones sent packing and now all contact between them has ceased.

They have both secured jobs with the same new employer but according to his phone records all contact has definately stopped!

How would others view this?

Just need someone elses perspective on it please.

jolene posted 8/21/2009 04:18 AM

Out of 30 employees they were the only ones sent packing

Is it possible that they were caught at work? This seems awfully strange, unless a whole department was cut out. Oftentimes APs think they're being very secretive but their body language just doesn't lie.

I say this because my FWH's A was with a coworker and I had a couple of colleagues make comments to me about how close they were during the EA phase.

Also, I wouldn't believe that there is no contact between them, not just yet. Your H could have a secret cell, or he could be using only his work phone. Best case scenario, they got fired for misconduct (from being together, letting work slide etc.) and it was a wake-up call. WPrst case scenario, they've taken it underground.

Have you thought about telling her husband what you know?

[This message edited by jolene at 4:19 AM, August 21st (Friday)]

shushpuppy posted 8/21/2009 09:49 AM

I think they were made redundant because of inappropriate behaviour too. It was just a gut feeling i had. No real concrete proof only phone bills to look at and they dont tell anyone what the conversations were about. I knew that each time my hubby was called into the office at work and reprimanded for something he did, she was always somewhere in the mix of things. Both were always reprimanded together!

I would love to ring her husband but to be honest i dont have enough proof or concrete evidence to do that at this moment in time.

Two seperate people from my hubbies new employment have told me this OW does not work for his company. My hubby insists she does but they are not in contact. Why would he tell me that? and why would two other people lie to me? as he says they are doing?

jolene posted 8/21/2009 14:45 PM

You know, even phone bills are pretty clear evidence to me. When someone spends hours talking to another man, it's pretty obvious what's going on.

I understand your desire to sweep it under the rug and not call the OW's H.

Maybe your H is telling you that OW works with him to justify himself if you ever find calls from her again? It is really weird for him to say that she does work with him when others say she doesn't.

Can you (or a friend) call their workplace and ask for her? That may clear it up once and for all!

Sorry if I sound so convinced that he's still in contact, I'm having a rough day!

shushpuppy posted 8/22/2009 02:12 AM

I have witheld my number and faked a conversation with the OW myself, pretending i was looking for the company she worked for. She told me that she doesnt work for that company, she doesnt work for any comopany and the number i reached was her private mobile phone which she uses for opersonal calls.

I confronted hubby about it and he told me she was undercover about it because she doesnt want her previous boss to know she works there.

Hubby told me he met up with her back in February at a customers for her to collect some paperwork. I later found out the village he had visited was where she lived. The customer he said he went to, i rang and they had no idea who he was and had never heard of his company.

I confronted him over that too and of course he screamed and shouted at me about being a bunny boiler.

living_life posted 8/22/2009 22:57 PM


I think your husband is still in the affair. It sounds like he is trying to convince you you're crazy, so you will back off and leave him alone.

You're not crazy. Go with your gut. He's lying to you.

Get as much evidence as you can. Check email, msn, Facebook, get someone to 'drop in' at his new work, get a keylogger.

Once you have your arsanal of evidence, confront your husband and OW H.

What you are living is not a marriage of two people in love, but a sham of being lied to while your husband develops 'feelings' for OW which left unchecked will probably turn into PA.

I know I am being blunt, but if I'd stopped making excuses and 'trusting' my husband and gone with my gut sooner, then maybe it wouldn't have gotten to the stage where I got the 'I don't know if I love you, I love OW' speach.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you are amongst others who share your pain and will support you through this. {{Huggs}}

chicstyler posted 8/23/2009 23:24 PM

I'm in the EA club too. MYWS had a 21 year EA with X-W. X-W lied ,cheated and had an abortion with a 15 year old boy.I could go on and tell you the whole sad story but I'll try to keep it brief. I've had 3 years that were really bad .The EA was just the straw that broke my heart. I had breast cancer, on the same day I had my mastectomy my Mom was admitted to the hospital{the first of many over the next 2 years}. My Mom almost died ,she was in a coma for 3 weeks and we almost lost her then. while I was going through chemo our precious dog passed away. My Mom passed away Mothers day 2008, 6 months later we find out my WS had ALS {lou Gehrigs disease},5 days later i find out about EA.21 years of lying, betrayal,cheating, and conspiracy. He ended a few letters with LOVE, WS set up a hotmail account solely for X-W,WS called X-W on our home phone while I was working, and X-W lived in our little town for a time I have no idea if they met or not. They easily could have met,we were only about 1mile or less from X-W.I feel like I'm going crazy most of the time . we are doing IC and MC.hasn't helped myWS at all ,so he started with new one last week. I hate my life right now .If it wasn't for SI I would have to be committed . Everyone treats me like I'm the bad one because I haven't forgiven WS yet . Thank all of you for listening and giving advice and hugs.

[This message edited by chicstyler at 11:28 PM, August 23rd (Sunday)]

shushpuppy posted 8/28/2009 03:18 AM

I think he is definately in contact with the OW. He let it slip last week that he has a work phone in his office which is part of a work contract. He has had it a week. I cannot access those bills. However i did manage to get a printout of all his calls on his personal mobile for the last year and it appears he has not rang her once.

I still have this gut feeling he is having conversations with her though.

His new works mobile it appears has to be kept at work in his office. Makes me laugh really because none of the other blokes who have these contract phones have to leave theirs at work. Just him!

2yrsinthedark posted 9/5/2009 14:02 PM

I just posted this on R forum but thought I could share this w/ my EA club. I dont think he will ever or can ever change.

I think WH and I are heading towards separation. He just doesnt get it. I figured out that he deleted part of a chat in his phone. I found out he opened a secret cuz his friend asked him to. Yet he cant understand why I still can not trust him. I confronted him on the text, he said he deleted it because she said something like "hi handsome, I've missed you" He replied, "missed you too." He figured I wouldnt like that very much. He said the he opened the tagged site (different person by the way), but he doesnt use it. She sends him flirty comments on it. He doesnt tell her not to. Believe it or not, I dont think he is up to anything, BUT I do know that if these "friends" cross lines, he wont tell them anything. He can not hurt thier feelings but he messes w/ my feelings all the time. This is how the first A started. She told him she had met the perfect guy but he is married. He resisted for a while, but that relationship obviously developed into the EA. Like her, he will not back away from a relationship if they tell him something inappropriate. He thinks I should just trust. We have had this discussion so many times, he stops for a while and goes right back to his "friends." I am so tired of snooping and he is sick and tired of my attitude. Financially we are stuck w/ each other, but I think im ready to give up on this relationship. Just let him do what he wants.

mommy0508 posted 9/8/2009 12:37 PM

Found out last week not just EA A anymore, there was kissing and hugging and cuddling and in back of mind think a little sex on the side.

Very upset and not sure how to get the mind movies to stop even though deep down I think I knew.


Meesha posted 9/14/2009 09:32 AM

My WS has has both an EA and has mess around with prostitutes. To be honest the EA was harder to take. Actually there were two EA's. Both were from affairs he had during his first marriage. I think the only reason there was no physical interaction was due to distance. There were hundreds of text messages, hundreds. My d-day for both kinds of betrayal was last June. In mid month he confessed to the prostitutes but I discovered the EA's at the end of the month. They were worse.
We've decided to stay together but it's been really hard dealing with the depression from all this. He feels better after confessing but all the wieght of this has fallen on me.

toby posted 12/2/2009 16:23 PM


Star727 posted 12/22/2009 09:18 AM

I'm pretty sure my WH is only having an EA. Its long term - going on about 10 or 15 years.

He had prostate cancer surgery a few years ago and because of that, sex is extremely difficult and not very satisfying for him so he has basically given up trying. He makes sure I'm sexually satisfied and I've constantly let him know that as long as he does that, I'm okay and simpathetic with his situation. He has also developed discoloring in his genital area. All his pigmentation is gone (I think its due to incontinence that has burned his skin like a baby sitting in a wet diaper too long). He is so self conscious about that, I can't see him allowing another woman to look at that. It doesnt look good at all, in fact its gross, but I'm his wife and I have to suck it up and deal with it and try to make him feel okay with himself.

Thats why I'm pretty sure he's not having a PA. He wants people to think highly of him and if they saw him with no clothes on, they would say yuck!!!!!

With all that said, he's going to fool around and be divorced by me because emotional affairs are about the heart and if I have to share his heart with another woman, I would rather be single.

I cant have his body like I should have it so I will not share his heart with another.

crumbled cookie posted 12/22/2009 09:45 AM

is this an EA?....someone in my family a female is what she calls friends with a male who is seperated from his wife. The man still sees his wife and sleeps with her.

The man wants to be more than just friends with my family member. The family member just got a divorce and is seeing another man also.

The family member meets with this guy every week for dinner and there is numerous phone calls. They talk about their spouses and problems. The man is very jealous of my family members A with the other man. He talks about having a PA with her. She just wants to keep it friends, but she admits and attraction to him.

She will not do a PA with him because he is talking about divorce with his wife but not doing it. she does not want to be the OW.

Is this a EA relationship?...I think it is as it is escalating. Right now it is dinner once a week and txts and calls.

Star727 posted 12/22/2009 09:52 AM

Sounds like an EA to me. Your family member shouldnt be dining and texting a married man. That constitutes a "relationship" and as you see, he seems to want a little more cause he has some feelings for her.

Whenever a couple has feelings for each other, whether sexual or emotional - its a relationship.

tormentedsoul posted 12/22/2009 19:45 PM

crumbled cookie
here's the best way to determine if a relationship has crossed the line.. a shopping list if you will

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you're alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?


and an article for you

sounds like there is definitely sexual tension in the relationship.. and if all the interaction is being kept from the spouses then it's an EA for sure

flower2010 posted 12/23/2009 05:18 AM

I am in the EA club and posted in Just Found Out. Glad this group is here and the above questions are really good. How many EAs are really EAs? How do we really know? I find it very hard to trust my spouse that the EA hasn't gone to PA. However we just started this road and he's in the 'fog.'

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