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Emotional Affairs

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tworoads posted 2/10/2010 20:17 PM

Just an update...On Monday he admitted she attempted to contact him through a facebook message, he said he ignored it and did not tell me because he did not want to worry me. We were able to talk about what this did to me and how he promised to let me know of any contact. He said he but verify. verify verify.. He is coming to see me on Friday. I am hopeful once a gain but have my eyes open.

Jay66 posted 2/16/2010 17:40 PM

Wow I didn't know there was so many people on here for this. I've been with my husband for three years and try finding out he never let go of his ex, not when you met, not when you dated, married and had children. His EA had been carred on through out the years on and off...I feel like my whole marriage and everything is one big lie. I feel like I never had a chance at a happy normal relationship with him and 100 percent of his love. He swears up and down now that he has cut off all contacted and is doing everything and anything right since last and hopefully final DDay....but it hurts. I'm glad that there are other people here that knows even though there was no sex (well in the cases that there really was not sex, mine I know, shes states away and he works and comes home nothing else) it still hurts like hell. I wish it had been just sex and lust instead of being so emotionally intimate.

taintedlove posted 2/17/2010 23:37 PM

New here and this is my first time posting. Guess I'm part of the club, my H had and EA/PA that lasted nearly 3 months which I discovered a year ago on Valentine's Day (talk about a great D-Day). The EA is the worst part of it even tho the PA isn't much easier to stomach. We are currently R in MC and there has been NC for nearly a year now. We're working on healing and most days FWH is trying hard to be the H that I need and deserve, but it's still so difficult. Sometimes I can't even believe this is my life. Although it's so sad to say this, I am glad to know there's a place where we can all share, vent and help each other through this painful process.

MrVanguard posted 2/28/2010 21:29 PM

Hi all. I posted my story in Just Found Out forum last week but I'll give a quick summary.

My wife of 3 yrs had an EA with a co-worker. They only met once and the guy works 3 time zones away. But their work contact slowly became personal and flirty.

Soon enough, they were trading very intimate details about themselves over email. I caught her last week by seeing an email she had open (I then read some emails on her phone when she was in the shower).

I guess it's not as bad as it could have been, as they never discussed being together. It was mostly just sharing very personal details (though the guy said he did fantasize about having sex with her). But it was a major violation of trust. And it was VERY shocking to me.

The first few days were miserable. But we had a great MC session a few days ago. I came out of the session feeling quite good.

This weekend has been good too. I finally let her back into our bedroom after a week of sleeping elsewhere.

But I wonder if this good mood is just temporary or not. Our next MC session is next week.

My wife says it was just a fantasy and she never actually felt anything for this guy. I think this is the dangerous part of an EA- it's easy to get wrapped up in the fantasy of it.

[This message edited by MrVanguard at 9:39 PM, February 28th (Sunday)]

jsngold posted 3/4/2010 07:49 AM

Is it an EA if she:

1. Fantasized about him in her journal.


2. Had a heart-to-heart talk with him where they both said, "Yes, I am attracted to you, but nothing is going to happen because we are both married."


Blindsided37 posted 3/4/2010 14:28 PM

Is it an EA if she: Had a heart-to-heart talk with him where they both said, "Yes, I am attracted to you, but nothing is going to happen because we are both married."

I believe it is because to have gotten to that point there had to have been an emotional connection..emotional intimacy, which they say can be as powerful as physical intimacy.

circlingthedrain posted 3/4/2010 19:07 PM

jsngold: IMO yes it is. I believe there are two components that must be present for a ‘friendship’ to cross over the line to EA.

#1) there is a conversation that would not be happening if you were present . There are some conversations that would fall into this category (venting to a parent about your spouse; discussions with an IC etc.) that would not qualify for an EA, so the second component is necessary as well
#2) there is sexual tension between them

I have used these two tests on multiple occasions, and I don’t think it has failed me yet. Using them in your situation, I get a resounding yes.

Hope this helps.

jsngold posted 3/5/2010 02:56 AM

So it WAS an EA. It wasn't just some "crush" as she likes to call it.

Now the next question:

Do I have to treat it like a full blown affair?

In other words, do I insist on a strict NC? She says that they "broke up", but they still talk every now due to business (he is the contractor who is renovating our new house).

Do I insist on full transparency (passwords, phone records, etc.)? I know that she won't accept this.

Do I tell the OM's BW? If so, what do I say? My wife wrote about your husband in her diary, and they had a conversation where they agreed not to pursue their relationship?

This wasn't a "real" affair, but I am emotionally reacting like it was.

Am I overreacting?

circlingthedrain posted 3/5/2010 07:36 AM

It doesn’t really matter what the label is, it was a BETRAYAL.
You don’t ‘have’ to do anything. You need to figure out what it is that you will need to feel safe in your marriage and define those boundaries. If it was me, I would be insisting on complete NC (including an NC letter), I would be handling all future communications with the contractor and I would be requesting that he designate someone in his organization to do the same.
I would also be insisting on complete transparency. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
If you want to go this route, please figure out what the consequences are for her noncompliance before making your requests/demands. Do not threaten actions that you are not willing to implement, as you will lose all credibility.

HockeyNut posted 3/5/2010 09:51 AM

I don't think you are over-reacting - you need to treat it the way you see it or how it makes you feel.
I believe NC is a must also - I'm assuming she kept her conversations with him secret from you - which equals betrayal and lies by omission.
You need to heal and feel secure with her - I think circlingthedrain - gave some great advice.
Sorry you are here - but, you will find great people with great advice.

gerrygirl posted 3/5/2010 10:40 AM


So it WAS an EA. It wasn't just some "crush" as she likes to call it.
Now the next question:

Do I have to treat it like a full blown affair?

It WAS a full blown affair. I haven't read many of your posts but one you said they discussed the OM leaving his BS to be with your WW. That is an affair.

Do I insist on full transparency (passwords, phone records, etc.)? I know that she won't accept this.

Too bad. She has demonstrated that she lacks appropriate boundaries. I would also ask to see her journal. My husband had an EA. The contact part as intense for only a few months before she went NC with him, but he kept the A alive on his end with the writings in his journal. I do beleive that everyone is entitled to a degree of privacy in their lives but in this instance he used his journal in an unhealthy way. We both keep journals now but he has changed how he uses his. He has also agreed that any time I want to read his journal I just have to ask.

This wasn't a "real" affair, but I am emotionally reacting like it was.

Again, it WAS a real affair. And you know this in part by the way you are reacting to finding out about it. Your WS betrayed your marriage by forming an attachment to another man. This causes pain and turmoil just as a PA does. There is always debate about which is more damaging, EA or PA. I just think it depends on which situation you are in.

My WHs EA shook me to my core. When I think about him saying "I love you" to her, knowing he pushed me aside and put her into his heart in the place that belonged to me the fact that they didn't have sex doesn't matter.

Your pain is real.

trumanshow posted 3/7/2010 14:09 PM

As my MC says; physical or emotional, doesn't matter-the fallout is the same

jsngold posted 3/8/2010 13:26 PM

Thanks, everyone, for all of your support.

This sucks, but it is nice to not be alone.

Nouveau posted 3/8/2010 19:52 PM

I'm having issue here with him believing (and his friends telling him) that because it was only online and there was no PA, no plans to meet, that it was "not that bad"... that I "should be over it by now."

He didn't tell her he still loved her. (She's his XWW. He has no children with her). But he secretly emailed her daily for about 3 weeks until I found out. He didn't tell her he was in a committed relationship. Just absently mindedly forgot one very important detail to tell her about.. ME!

He told her, "I think you are pretty... but I'm biased."

I am having a hard time moving on from those words. He still says he meant nothing at all. And that he didn't even think.. just answering her emails, is all, and trying to be polite.

Perhaps I could move on if he would stop being defensive and stop minimizing this whole thing.

always-hope posted 3/9/2010 07:37 AM

Hi. I am new to this site. My WH does not believe in EA. He started emailing the OW he had known as a teen in 2001. He was friends with her when his parents were divorcing(1978).(His Mom gave him her email address) It started out as 'hi what have you been up to...' BUT I had no knowledge back then. In 2005 my WH was removed from our house for Domestic Violence. During the 6 month separation he took our 3 boys for a week and flew out of state for a vacation, the OW lived there. When we reconciled in 2005 he told me about the OW, how she helped him through the separation and understood what he was going through (?!) (I was faithful in every way). (Her WH had a baby with another woman and she was divorced) Immediately a red flag went up and I asked my WH to stop talking to her because they were too close. He said they were just friends and refused. She told him that the relationship that he & she had might be detrimental to our marriage. He still kept in contact. I found a dirty joke he sent her in email and an email he sent saying 'looking good'. When I questioned these he said she has the same sense of humor as him that I don't. He also told me that she had gastric bypass surgery & sent him pics of her that show the weight loss. I asked to see them, he got agitated & said he deleted them. When she moved to another state she sent her address to him. 2009: he stopped sleeping in our bed, we stopped having sex, he would shut himself in a room & talk on his cell, especially after our arguements. I heard one call: he said 'talk me down i'm so angry, talk me down.' then: 'i can't do that, i will have to pay child support & alimony.' I was not allowed to see phone records or financial records. Dec 2009 he went out of town for a weekend (not to OW as far as I know). My sister told me he had a facebbook page. I only found it when I typed in the OW's name & he was a friend. His profile pic was him with a woman on his lap (not the OW), though you could only see part of her my sister knew it wasn't me. There was no mention of him being married, my name & pics were not on the page. I was terrified of losing my husband. I got a job the following Monday & called for counselling. (Two things that were his big issues with me) Five days later, right before Christmas he moved out while I was at work & the kids were away. He called the kids home & told them not to call me at work, I would figure it out when I got home. Our two older kids told me when they picked me up (I have no car). (The camper & truck missing from the driveway were a sign that something was very wrong but hearing the words from my son devastated me. I called him & begged him to come home. He signed a 1 yr lease on an apartment. I have gone to counselling, we have gone together. The consellor told him that stopping contact with her is the best thing. My WH says he will keep it 'how are things going? how are the kids?' etc. but that was how it started last time. We get along great as long as I ignore the issues. He thinks telling the OW that he will not contact her is vengence for me and 'rubbing her nose in it'. I've tried just ignoring it but it eats at me that he still has her phone #'s in his cell, still has her email in his address book. He disabled his facebook, but i think he should have unfriended her and added me to his page (my name & pics of us) to show his commitment to the marriage. He still says he wants to be married to me & he loves me, but he doesn't think he has done anything 'that bad' and he thinks the OW holds no fault in this at all. I know this is long and there is still so much more to this than I wrote here. I love him & have for 23 years. I feel that if I just ignore my feelings about him living separately and refusing to stop contact with her I am being a fool. Then he tells me he talks to all him 'woman friends' the way he talked to the OW. And this does not even begin to expain the fallout I have to deal with every day with the kids. If I file for child & spousal support I know he will be angry. (He has anger issues which is a whole other story) I am in limbo and don't know what to do.

takinit posted 3/13/2010 21:26 PM

I have this intense hate for the OW. I don't even know her but I know enough about her and my XH. It has only been 2 1/2 months since I divorced him. I want to get her fired from her job, I want to physically destroy her face, I have already let the business public know what she did to my marriage and what he did to my marriage. I am just so angry. Sometimes I think that they deserve each other and I am apathetic. There are other times when I can't wait to run into her sometime and kick her face into the asphalt. I know I can never get myself into trouble with the law but I just fantasize about kicking her ass. I'm not even a fighter it just makes me sick to think that they both thought it was okay. wow. It still hurts. Why? I've divorced him. Why does it still kill me inside?

ohyuck posted 3/15/2010 11:16 AM

Lucky me, I'm part of this club as well

WH has been having an EA with a married friend of ours for almost a year now. Up until last week, they had always claimed he just "had a crush on her." Now I know they both had these feelings and SHE didn't go further because they were both married and didn't want to hurt anyone. He would have done so if permitted. Real gems, eh?

[This message edited by ohyuck at 11:59 AM, March 15th (Monday)]

Bussy Boo posted 3/18/2010 18:13 PM

I discovered my husband had an EA almost a year ago, I first discovered the existance of this woman two years prior to this but he said she was just a friend, some friend, when i found their secret email and broke into it there were loads of love letters, he has never written me any so this was very upsetting, he was my first love and we got married really young so there had never been anyone else for either of us or so i thought but she turned out to be his first girlfriend, that makes her his first love in my mind now, it has changed everything i beleived, he lied to me straight to my face and on his fathers life nothing seemed to matter but her, when i found out he seemed to come out of the fog but it had taken two years and several d days to make this happen, he is so sorry now and cant do enough for me, but he will not discuss what happened and why and i need that i need the truth and he says i deserve it but he wont sit and tell me, i bring it up he goes out of the room on an excuse,anything will do as long as he doesnt have to talk about it, he really doesnt get it that i need to know to go forward. every day i suffer i have those love letters engrained on my brain and they come to haunt me i wake up thinking of her i go to sleep thinking of her and what they did to me, i had a mental breakdown but it didnt stop him, she was the most important thing in his life for two years and i am just supposed to forget it and forgive him, he says he doesnt expect me to but i know he does when does this torture stop????

threepunkins posted 3/24/2010 00:19 AM

another one joining this "club".

I posted in "just found out" a week ago but a brief run down is that i am convinced my husband has been having an EA with a "good friend" from his work for at least the last 12 months if not more. He denies everything however i have several months phone records which shows him text messaging her sometimes up to 30-40 times a day.

Several times at inappropriate times like 1 and 2 in the morning. He has admitted that he has been confiding in her for months about how apparently miserable he has been in our marriage, and that he trusts her completly and she is the only good friend he has to turn to and talk to about his problems. He says that they get along incredibly well and that she totally gets him in every way. But insists that it is nothing romantic and that she has nothing to do with the fact he says he doesn't love me anymore.

He says he feels like we have grown apart and no longer have anything in common except our children. but says that she and him have heaps in common. BUT she is not the reason for this.

I have had my suspicions about them for months and have confronted him several times, saying how inappropriate i found it (talking to each other on face book, sending emails to her, texting her and going out socially with her and "other work friends" all the time without me) but he kept on telling me i was over reacting and that he had a right to go out ad have fun on his own.

When i looked into the details of his phone record and discovered the extent to which he was smsing her i confronted him over the phone, he came home packed his bags and left that night.

He has been gone over a month. Left me and the kids completly. I got the most recent phone record yesterday and have discovered that he is still in constant daily contact with her. their "text" conversations sometimes go on for hours and involve 50-60 messages at a time.

But he still completly denies that she has ANYTHING to do with him leaving me. That it was all me shutting him out and i was the one who didn't want him.

So may of these stories are familiar. It's just heartbreaking.

I agree with others who have said that if he had just come outright when i first confronted him and admitted that it was something more than it would have been easier to deal with...all this denial and the not really knowing what is going on is painful. Is is "just friends"? is it a PA? does he love her? I don't know an absolute yes or no answer to ANY of those questions, just a phone record my suspicion and his denial.
In a way it would be easier to cope with if they did admit to a least I'd have SOMETHING to be pissed off about. Not a whole heap of circumstantial nothing.

The pain and realization that he has been investing SO MUCH TIME and effort into another woman, another relationship is so incredibly painful. And the fact that HE has all but given up on us, and refuses to see a counselor or go to MC makes it so much worse.

I feel like he thinks I'm not even worth making the effort for. That out 11 year relationship (7 year marriage) is not worth fighting for or fixing.

[This message edited by threepunkins at 12:22 AM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

Bussy Boo posted 3/26/2010 16:24 PM

wew tried a therapist and she seemed to be on his side and more or less asked what i was complaining about as he hadnt had a PA i felt and i know he did that she gave him permission to carry on with his 'friend' and he did for the following two years. he would promise not to contact her and then i would find out she was still in our lives and he would promise again and round and round it went i had a mental breakdown and threw him out but he didnt stop the contact he just ignored what it was doing to me and carried on sending her love letters and flowers and gifts and looking after her while ignoring me and my needs,we got back together he promised she was gone but she wasnt she just came back with him and the merry go round started again, i got myself a therapist and she made me strong enough to deal with it and when i found their dispicable secret email and all the love letters and the ugly truth i was able to deal with it calmly and look after myself, i showed him how she was conning him and he stopped contact and i do beleive she is gone, its now a year next month since the final d day there were several, but i really am struggling with it still, how could he treat me like that how could he fall out of love with me after 38years and fall in love with her, is he with me because she doesnt want him, would he be if she did want him, it all haunts me, he still wont talk to me about it and doesnt admit he was in love with her and says he didnt have an affair, same old thing no sex no affair!! what about the love letters he says he didnt mean them but all the evidence says he did, he says he didnt love her but he acted as though he did and he told her he did, when does it stop, sometimes i ask myself why i am here with him, i have put up a barrier between us to protect myself cos i dont know if it will happen again, i cant trust my instincts cos i didnt see it coming, its such a horrible feeling, i still dont know what happened my life was jogging along and then it was gone, will it happen again? i cant answer that and so i feel unsafe, he says it will never happen again but how does he know that he cant he didnt think it would happen before. where do i go from here i feel so insecure and unhappy.

Bussy Boo posted 3/26/2010 16:33 PM

dear takinet, i know what you mean about the OW i know we should blame our WS but i felt such hatred for the OW she conned my WS out of lots of cash and used us both so i really hated her, when i found out the truth about their EA i gave myself a year to see if i really needed to get my revenge on her i thought it would subside in a year but it didnt so i took my revenge, the silly cow left her facebook page unprotected, she partly privatised it but left access to all her friends and her church, some christian, so i sent a message to all her friends telling them how she had used us both when we were suffering from the death of our son by suicide and how she had conned my WS out of all that money and asked her church how she could call herself a christian, i bet she didnt expect that after a year, i should have felt ashamed of myself but i dont i have reclaimed my self respect from her and i feel good about it. but dont act upon your feelings now or you will do somthing you regret, it has to be legal and honest and you have to have no regrets if you do something. good luck and dont forget we are all here for you.

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