My husband and I recently separated after I finally told him "Me or her" about an EA that has gone on for almost 12 years (started after two PA's). He said she was a friend and I was unreasonable so I filed for D (after 12 yrs of fighting it and seeing the emails and trying to deny it, I was done living with it). Days later he slept with her. Then came home begging to come back saying he didn't want her and he now understood what he'd done and that he never would've slept with her if I hadn't filed for D. I said no so he went back to seeing her. Finally, we decided to go to MC because I still love him and he says he still loves me and wants me not her. So he cut off contact (I think). Now he tells me that he can't be alone and that if we weren't in MC he'd be with her and that he'll probably go back to her if we don't make it work. Also important is that she works in his field and is friends with all of his friends so she'll always be in our lives in some way probably....
Has anyone dealt with this before? I don't know if I can trust him so I don't know if MC will work and I don't want to take away his cahnce of happiness if that's what she is. At the same time, I don't feel like he's really trying if he's still thinking like that. He says that he wouldn't be in MC if he really wanted her. Anyone ever been through this type of thing? I don't know how to understand or deal with the "I want you but I'll take her if I can't have you" reasoning. Help!!!!
I don't have a similar situation so these are just my thoughts about yours.
Don't worry about your WH's happiness. He is a big boy and can take care of that himself. You need to focus on what makes you happy and what is best for you. Your WH sounds like he is still in the fog, wanting to have his cake and eat it too.
What I hear your WH telling you is if things don't work out with you, he already has a back up plan. Sorry, but if I were you this wouldn't work for me. He is keeping one foot out the door. I agree with you that this attitude means he isn't really trying. He is only going through the motions without any real sincerity or honesty. IMO, if you need to have a backup of AP waiting in the wings, you really aren't in R.
Committing to R is to work without a saftey net. A WS and a BS have to really put themselves out there, take a risk and put everything on the line to save their M. I know that I could not be honest with my WH if I was worried that he might go back to the OW.
If I were you, I would tell my WH that if he wants to go to MC then he has to give up his OW. Entirely. That is the only way he could show that he is serious about working things out. Anything less is just a waste of time.
well I watched the show with stbx in it ... and it was good ... natgeo did a great job on the show ... even tho they kinda just showed one side of the prison system perspective ...
and stbx was all over the show ... however only 1-2 scenes were with his face ... the rest were him dressed out in riot gear going in to get an unruly inmate ...
doesn't matter I knew who he was ...
and I did not trigger like I thought I would ... and I have it saved on my DVR ... and have only watched it once ... the night it aired ... thought I would be watching it everyday ... but I don't ...
so that is it ... things are still moving along ... the meadiation is set for May 13th ... I will appear by phone/fax ... last time I talked to stbx he asked if I would be coming to CO for the meadiation ??? and where I would be staying if I was ???
WTF ??? no I told him I will be by phone ...
no other news school is good and I am almost done with the first trimester ... 2nd one starts May 3rd ...
Our first year of marriage was hard, he was working part time and going to grad school full time, and I am a nurse and work night shift. Between his job, school, studying and my job, we rarely had time together. And he just seemed distant. If I asked about it I was "complaining" and he always said he was just stressed out.
On May 12 we got into an argument and he busted out with how he doesn't love me, doesn't want to go to counseling and wants a divorce. I was devastated because although we had a tough year, we had been planning on starting counseling as soon as he graduated. I had never heard him say anything like this before.
Two days later I found his new e-mail address and all of the conversations between him and this same girl. It started to make more sense, but I am devastated. I asked him if he wanted to work it out, and he said no because he doesn't love me and never has. We have been together 6 years, married for 11 months. He told me that when he married me he was settling, but now he knows he can do better. He has shown no remorse, blames me for EVERYTHING (even says I made him marry me), and has no interest in R. Our anniversary would be next weekend. We had a trip planned, and the top layer of our wedding cake is still in my freezer. I feel like I am the only one whose H left her for the OW in an EA.
People keep telling me I'm lucky that I found out so early, but I just don't see it that way. I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon (I mean, this A started at most 2 months into the marriage).
ps: because people have been bringing it up, this EA did turn P, I know they have made out at LEAST one time, and I'm sure they've done more.
A man telling his wife he is "settling" - oh!!!! that just pisses me off. Do yourself a favor and get that annulled as soon as you can. Get rid of him and don't waste any more of your good years fooling with "nothing".
I wished my D-Day had happened soon after he my WH started his EA with a coworker. They were involved for 10 years before I found out. During that time, we had two kids, bought a house and incurred tremendous debt (most of it - HIS!!!). If this had come to light shortly after it started, I could have been alot better financially. And my emotions would not have been so embedded into this marriage.
When we finally had our first D-Day - the knowledge of what they were doing completely broke my heart and destroyed my Joy and that hasnt come back yet.
In the last 2 years, we have had 4 D-Days and I've found 3 secret prepaid cell phones. You dont want to deal with all that. Get out early while you can!!!!!
"It ain't about love anymore."
I feel embarrassed that my marriage failed so soon...
MoreB, you have nothing to be embarrassed about - It's all on him! As hard as it is to hear, you are lucky you aren't more emotionally/financially involved and can cut loose now and find that person who loves you.
You don't need to be with a husband who has no remorse and says he settled and could do better! What?! If he can do better so can you!
[This message edited by lmartinez1960 at 3:49 PM, June 7th (Monday)]
I'm so sorry you have a need for this site...but, glad you found us. Welcome!
I would start reading in the Healing Library in the top left corner.
I would post your story in the Just Found Out forum. It gets a lot more attention. This forum is great too...just more focused on the unique qualities of an EA.
An emotional affair (EA) is just as devistating as a physical affair (PA). Do not let him discount the betrayal that has happened. Also, be prepared...it is often the case that a PA has also happened. 99.9% of wayward spouses (WS) will only cop to what they have been caught doing. You may need to do some digging to get to the truth.
A pre-requisite for reconciliation (R) is no contact (NC) with the affair person (AP).
hang in there,
[This message edited by Just Crushed at 4:15 PM, June 7th (Monday)]
For me, I'm still embroiled in this freaking neverending nightmare. My H is refusing to give up his "friend" even though he knows that it is wrong and hurting me. It has been going on now for 3 years. I am done now, had absolutely enough and either he really truly ends it this time with her or we are most certainly going to end. Somehow he has it in his head that I simply will not leave because I cannot survive on my own without him. He is dead wrong and will come to find out how wrong pretty quickly here if it doesn't end now!
She is an old friend of mine so I have been double-betrayed and I too like you am physically ill over this whole experience! Hang in there and good luck!
I am just getting ready to find out which way we are headed after 28 years of marraige and raising three beautiful children together.
It is suppose to over with but I'm not assuming that to be 100% the truth.
Because of his EA, I found myself again. I've spent 23 years being Mrs So and So, I lost my individuality.
I also lost my JOY. Joy of life, joy of job, joy of afterwork activities, joy of extended family, joy of my kids.
I pray that I get my JOY back. WH is working hard to show me that he's back on track but of course, I dont trust him anymore so its hard to believe him. He just has to show me by living right. It will show.
Welcome to this very unfortunate group. But at least we all have each other to lean on for support, advice and all. I do know how you're feeling my DH now WS has been in an EA with my once upon a time very good friend and neighbor who lives just down the road a few blocks.
I am so heartsick, feeling like I have just been hit by a MACK truck and then again as it took another turn backwards...........
But I am also angry the emotions are raw and like nothing I've ever felt before!
My question for you SI folks - Are there really affairs that are only emotional, or do they most or all become physical? I am not sure if a PA would hurt me more, but knowing that he lied about them NOT being PAs would hurt.