[This message edited by tequilashots58 at 8:45 PM, January 31st (Monday)]
Very good! I am so happy to hear that you have made progress... any progress is good news and beats limbo.
Since I last posted (seems like weeks ago...), my situation has changed.
From flirtatious postings talking about HIS life, HIS stuff... my gut told me that other things were going on.
Wanted not to find things, but checked his cell phone a few nights ago.
Well, he has been cleverly deleting all messages... except that he left messages from a few nights. I see three 'girls' that he is sexting with (is this the term?)and one girl who is he just lovely-dovey with,
and openly friendly day and night... messages that he should be sending his wife.
As someone told me on this great site, 'nothing changes, if nothing changes. time to step up the game'...
H still in denial (just messing around...)and I have gone 180% into 180.
I have finally swept the elephants out from under the rug...now there is too much informtion.
And now must join a new forum : sex addict/serial cheater.
I know just how you feel. My WH is not only having an EA with some fucking skank whore from 30 years ago but he is still having the EA with OW #1 MY EX-FRIEND!
Just read your story...
I am so sorry
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching... and I know that I let everything go on with my 'blind' optimism.
Everything is so clear now and these EA's are only the tip so to speak.
I see his deep need to be admired by someone, constantly, stroke his ego... where I only see disappointment and revulsion... and unfortunely, the only people he can attract are 20-somethings on the Internet where they can't SEE him...
Wishing you well.
This started about 2004. In 2005 I was in a major car accident, rupturing two disc's in my low back. I could no longer work and that's when I realized he was not coming home at all for days at a time. I thought he would come home about 7 or 8 in the morning and he left for work at about 3pm, so he would be gone when I got home from work. When he would show up after disapearing for several days I would ask him "where have you been?" and his answer would be "what do you mean where have I been?". After about five rounds of this, I would stop so I wouldn't have a stroke. I refused to think about this for the longest time as I was trying to heal from the accident and get used to having pain and limited use of my back. I could no longer work, I didn't have a car anymore, and I couldn't do much physically so I just tried to keep my emotions and the looming problems at bay.
One Saturday LOSER, her husband and SKANK come over to our house and I am introduced. I become friendly with all of them but am never told the true nature of my husband's relationship with them. I find out little by little. Such as the time our cell phone SIM cards got mixed up and I started getting his phone calls instead of mine!
The things he would do for these two women were amazing. I would beg him to help me with a chore or take me grocery shopping and it was met with "I don't have time", etc. BUT all they had to do was mention something they needed or wanted and he couldn't do it fast enough.
Here's an example: I had no car, so I walked our daughter to and from school, every day rain or shine. Yet he would take SKANK(now pregnant) to doctors appts, shopping, etc. He rented a convertible Mustang for the LOSER to drive on a weekend trip she was taking. I can easily think of at least ten more examples.
Eventually the biker boyfriend got fed up with my husband and he beat him up twice. That still didn't keep him away from his "friend". He didn't understand why he was mad after all they were just friends. He would say that nobody was going to tell him what to do or who he could be friends with.
About three years ago I put my foot down, I told my husband how inappropriate this relationship was, how much time and emotional energy he was taking away from our marriage. I told him how much his behavior hurt and embarassed me with his "friendship". I even changed the locks the last time he didn't come home. After the second beating my husband said he would end it and no longer be friends with SKANK. All he did was lie to me. They would secretly call each other, go places, etc. He was always available. These are two examples of his behavior. When we were moving out of the house we had lived in for 15 yrs. It's about 6pm and I notice my car is gone (we are down to one car) and I start asking where my car went. My daughter tells me that Daddy said he'd be right back and left. We didn't see him again until 2am. meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to get the last two truckloads moved, because we have to return the truck by 7am the next morning. When he gets back he tells me he had to go to work. He had taken the night off, but said that they really needed him. I found out later that SKANK had called him and he met her at the local casino. He did go to work but it was about 10pm. New Years 2010, right after midnight, he's on the front porch with the door open and his phone rings. "Happy New Years" is exchanged and a very brief conversation. He comes in the house and asks me if I mind if he goes to our friend Robbies house for a drink. I'm ready to fall asleep, so I tell him to go and have a good time. Well... it was SKANK on the phone and he was going to meet her.
Finally, the SKANK'S biker boyfriend showed up at my house looking for my husband, saying that when he found him he was going to give him a beating that he would never forget. He threatened me and said that if my husband had anything more to do with SKANK, he would would destroy our cars and trash our house.
I don't think my husband has seen here since then. Not because of the threats but because on that same day, Aug 9, 2010, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He has Extensive Stage Small Cell Lung Cancer. He has received massive doses of chemotherapy and had to stop working Dec 2010. He is slowly becoming sicker and probably won't see another Christmas.
We have talked about this as recently as two weeks ago, I again told him how this has made me feel, how it has robbed me and robbed our marriage of the time and energy that he spent on his "Friend". He still doesn't get it. He feels that he did nothing wrong. I'm trying to deal with how I feel; the anger, the hurt and the resentment. I don't want to spend the last days with my husband and feel like this. I need him to truly understand what he did so that I can start to heal before he dies.
[This message edited by Chasing Pavement at 11:59 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)]
I am sorry you are going through all this
The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed
I had 8 years of ongoing issues with the OW and had 3 years previously confronted her about her asking my WS out for drinks to discuss company problems after hours, which she did in front of me, directing the invitation to WS with little to no regard for me. I, of course, was excluded from the invitation. I told WS to put a stop to it…He said “I don’t have a problem with it, you do, so you go tell her.” And I did! Upon confrontation she apologized and told me she would not do that anymore , that her H and her were very much in love…AND "OH I MUST APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SPOUSE" Is she stupid or what? I am the offended party and she cared more about him...No I am the stupid one:(. And how things change in a short time. Poor guy ( may god Forgive him and May he RIP) died in vain, if he only knew what his WW was really doing. And My WH thought I didn’t care about HIM anymore? Give me a break, Please..WHO Doesn't care about WHO?
I asked my WH several times throughout the last 8 years to stop letting OW share her personal life with him. He refused to stop. About 3 years ago a female employee filed a grievance against her for “favoring” my WS and letting things happen in our department that should not be happening. I was the only person not called into this investigation, reasons unknown to me. I had women approach me about the OW constant contact with my spouse and how it did not look proper. However I thought they were discussing work so did not look further into it.
OW also had a lawsuit brought up against her 7 years ago from a gentleman that worked here temporarily. I do not know what the charge was but I am aware that this man was being “sexual harassed by a couple of female temporary’s who would lift their tops up at him. I work in an above office and Jared would come up in tears that he did not know what to do. He had already told our supervisor and she refused to take action on his behalf.
OW tried to sit down and try to work out things out with me so we could have a more professional job situation, especially for my W, who is so stressed out, (seriously?) and she is so lost as what to do in the department cause he always did it all. After all they were “ Just Friends”. I told her to shut up, my WH already told how they had “fallen in love”. And "what is so professional about you" I asked. “I am a professional wedding decorator on the side and how professional would it be if I looked at the Groom to be and said “ Let’s get together for drinks and discuss what you need for your wedding day”. Real professional right?” NOT!
So OW has contact with my WH concerning work every day. I also have to deal one on one with the OW, who has asked me to “please not turn her in to Human Resources till her estate is settled.” Her H apparently did not leave her a will. She left work early a couple weeks ago and told my WS she needed to get her house appraised before "EVERYTHING BLOWS UP IN HER FACE AT WORK." Imagine what that would do to her image. I confronted her again and told her “Stop sharing personal things with my WH. I DO NOT want to go to Human Resources and turn you in” I do not feel comfortable with this work situation.
On 3-2-11, 6 weeks after D-day, my WH couldn't handle that I wanted to go to HR and report her plus the guilt that he hurt me and couldn't fix the hurt in 6 weeks so he went to HR, filed for his retirement pension, went home and packed his stuff and moved to mamas. What a line of bull.. He never filed to retire. He said I sent him one text message too many when I was upset that day he moved out. He moved back after 4 days under the pretense I had made too many bills , which I did when our daughter was ill and I was off work.WTH! What did he think, that me not working = his money stretching to cover everything. LOL!
So any way I told both cheaters I was not getting the texts now, so you can imagine their relief....untill I get them , read them and confront them again....My WH is actually trying with me but I am so hurt cause he just wants to forget it happened....How do I do that? Right, you can't. I am now going for IC and wanted him to go with me, but I know he won't say anything....So I am waiting for the text messages and waiting to see what was going on with him...Her I can hardly stand to look at. She has totally thinned out, has a flat @ss, saggy tatas and looks like a demon from hell. Ugh! And people at work do know what happened, or have sort of figured it out...Too bad for them both being idiots! Especially him....She was probably trying to make him husband # 6? So now I can not trust him for any reason. AND I TOLD HIM, " HOW DARE YOU MOVE OUT BECAUSE I WROTE ONE TEXT TOO MANY, AFTER YOU AND HER WROTE THOUSANDS TOO MANY. IF ANY ONE SHOULD MOVE OUT IT SHOULD BE ME."
Thank you for LETTING ME VENT! And yes, I am a fool because although I did not trust OW, I trusted WH with all my heart, mind and soul and I still love him…..and all that I feel is the betrayal of being double crossed….I cared about OW at one time and thought we respected each other….
She is an ex. She ended it with him 10 years ago. She was at a wedding we attended last September.
He didn't point her out to me or anything at the wedding. Sometime after that (i haven't gotten a clear answer yet) she contacted him to say she was sorry for how she ended things with him.
He said don't worry. Then she said she still had feelings for him. He said he had feelings for her too.
Then they started a 6 month EA. He wrote her love letters. He called her his princess. He called himself her prince. He called her sweetheart- the same thing he called me.
They also had online sex and phone sex and sexted.
He confided in her.
I can't get the words i saw him say to her out of my head. I can't stop imagining the conversations i don't have evidence of.
On any given day all i want to do is curl up and cry. But i don't feel safe anywhere. He conducted the affair from our office. With me in the house. My home isn't a safe haven anymore.
Him - FWH
R in process. We'll see where it goes.
My story. I have been married for almost 11 years. 4 months after my marriage my H had "what I called an inapporpriate relationship with another teacher".
Then, one day, out of the blue when my adopted daughter (adopted as newborn) was three and my son was almost one, he left me out of the blue and drove to NY. I found out later that he had a huge EA with a women he met on Final Fantasy. I was livid, but knowing my personality, being a Christian woman, wanting to have a successful marriage, I changed everything I could about me. I stopped seeing my friends, lost baby weight, treated him as if he was KING.
Well October 17, 2009- after two wonderful years, I thought we were happy. I felt he loved me deeply, I thought he was so into me. On DDay I got up early, stumbled into the kitchen to pack lunches for my daughter's soccer game. The IPOD alarm, that was suppose to be mine was going off. When I went to turn off the alarm, I could NOT BELIEVE what I read.
He was having EA's with two women and they were very sexual. Now, please do not kick me out of here- because one of them turned PA Bigtime, they worked together. She worked with my WH and her husband all worked in the same building.
OMG. I can't believe what I read, One woman in Florida was going to drive to Charlotte to F**K her man.
The other Whore lives here and he admitted to being physical with her.
But, the reason I want to be here is because I believe this is where I need to be. He is emotionally insane. He can't walk pass a weak woman who needs attention.
They were texting discusting texts. He even texted that "My c**ck was so ready to explode inside of you".
Look- I am so overwhelmed that I possibly have a place to vent, help others, and possibly heal. But, I need to be here.
It's been over a year and a half since DD of this last one. He is a wonderful man. We are back in church, he is dedicated to me, he has done everything from meet with two pasters, to beg for forgiveness, to step it up with the kids (to the point that I look like the bad mommy especially since he screwed up my life so badly). He has done better with absolutely every important relationship in hislife. God, me, the kids, his mother.
But, the pain of what he has done and the uncertainty I face from will I ever be enough for him? Why and How could he treat me so badly? To will it happen again, to which is worse, what he did or what I put up with.
He has changed me into this obsessed woman, that wanted nothing more than a good father to my children, a good husband, a simple, no frills but satisfying life that is God centered into a person that I do not even recognize sometimes.
But this recovery for me is hard. Some days are great but some days I can't stop feeling bad about myself, my world and everything in it.
God, please let me stay. I know this is already long but I have so much I have to put down.
I have so much to ask, so much to give, so many stories to share.
Anyone want to know what I did when I found that stupid IPOD????
I immediately tracked down where the whore lived and went to her house. I told her if it was the last thing I did on earth, I would tell her husband everything I discovered. I accidently deleted the e-mails but he believed me because of the detail I had.
That stupid woman was going to meet my wH at the gym while her's went to urgent care with pain in his appendix. who does that?
Well, we have all moved on, but she still works there somewhere but I'll tell you the truth. I didn't know that they had met at Sam's parking lot and made out until her husband told me. I didn't know they were meeting in conference rooms and making out.
I would have knocked her teeth down her throat and watched her choke on them.
This is the biggest thing. I can not understand Cheating. I don't get it. It is the cruelest, meanest thinig anyone can do. Why on earth would anyone want to risk their blessings for something they believe will make them whole. And, why does it seem I am the only one paying for their stupidity.
I hate affairs. I hate them. I hate lies.
Now, something else about me. I just turned 40. I have two beautiful kids, 7 and 4. I have wonderful parents and inlaws. I have a disabled brother who now has pre-leukemia. I have my Masters in Special Education, my National Boards and on a scale from 1-10, especially for my age- I'm atleast an 8. But, he's brought me down to a 1.
I used to be fun, charming, full of life, determined, friendly, and a well rounded person. I'm now a shadow of who I used to be.
The worst part is my Husband doesn't even know how much is in my head all the time.
He's apologized and apologized. He's been wonderful. He is sexy, he got real sexy when he was cheating on me. He looked really good. And I don't mean to sound mean but he's shorter than me and he will always be shorter than me. So, whatever.
When I found out about the Sam's parking lot, I kicked his muscular butt, chipped a tooth. Please don't think me violant. Im not but a person can only take so much. Even my pastor laughed at that cause he couldn't help himself. It's just not my character to be threatening and mean. If anything, I'm quiet and humble.
I got to the bottom of the steps and my sweet daughter asked me why I hit daddy. I said Daddy got a spanking because he had been a really bad boy.
Now, of course I do not ever want my kids to see anything like that- EVER. But, nothing I did EVER deserved what he put me through.
Okay, I know I'm rambling. God, I'm so sorry.
WH would laugh in my face if I told him this. Without a photograph or some detailed written out declaration from one or both of them he would/will deny 'til he is cold in the grave. It is his nature.
So, while the EA has been going on for a year and a half, and the PA was contained to a 2 week period when the OW was here (OW lives overseas) I feel no more sick because of it. The EA and the lying did the damage. He doesn't even get that.
On 4/2 I responded to an email from the whore telling her there was to be no contact. She then decided to she chose him and asked him to leave me. He said no.
It's been 7 weeks and it's still hard that they still work together closely and have one on one meetings. Today is our wedding anniversary. She and WH destroyed my trust. Our marriage will never be the same.
My h had a EA. He focused all his energy on her and making him and her happy and left me out to dry.
She is an ex. She ended it with him 10 years ago.
She is an ex. She ended it with him 10 years ago.
same here. Confronted, he denied, confronted again a few weeks later, he got angry and denied, confronted again a few months later, he denied.
When he did admit, he said "she wanted to talk about her daughter's health problems".
Really. My daughter has health problems, too. No 20 hours of discussion with me about it. Including the middle of the night.
He is emotionally insane. He can't walk pass a weak woman who needs attention.
When I told his mother, she said "oh, he doesn't love her, she's weak and she doesn't know what he's doing", meaning his drinking. I know she's right, but I don't know if I can get over the hurt. I told him the other day how much it hurt me. He just paid it some lame I won't do it again kind of talk, followed with "I really want to spend my life with you."
Dday was almost a year ago. I'm not getting over it this time. I don't know if I want to spend my life with him.
Again, hugs to all of you. Let's keep posting, we can be here for each other. I wouldn't have made it this far, and learned as much as I have without my SI community.
Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.