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Im so tired of hearing "my spouse had a EA/PA with a coworker" Cant even trust your spouse to go to work anymore!!!! WTF!!!!
My H and I have had many discussions about his "conversations" with OW and he's starting to understand how it makes me feel to be "left out" of the conversation. Not that he needs to talk about me...but when talking about what's going on in his life it should be "we" not "I did this and I did that" with no mention that I have been by his side through good and bad. I also told him, as did the MC, that these EA's can often turn in to PA's since the OW thinks she's helping him through difficult times and that we as the "not caring spouse" won't be there emotionally. They may be aware of a marriage, but he has given them the impression it's a "bad" marriage or there is no emotional connection.
One woman he was talking to was an old HS classmate. I found emails back and forth talking about their lives since HS. He mentions his kids and his family (from 1st marriage), but not once did he mention me, my children, grandchildren...only his. I knew there was a problem specially when she asked him if everything was ok at home? She was fishing and I knew it. So, I answered her email as him. Told her everything was good, and talked about "my wife" and that when we were back to visit sometime he would love for her to meet me. Guess what? She never emailed him again. Hmmm? When I pointed that out to him he realized that he was giving her the wrong impression (probably on purpose), and that she was also looking for something as well...a new man!
He knows now how that hurt me and that what I did was out of self-preservation. Not out of spite.
[This message edited by tequilashots58 at 8:45 PM, January 31st (Monday)]
Very gutsy move emailing the OW thinking it was your H!! I love it I just find I cant let things "crumble all around me" without somewhat helping out to clean up the mess. I not a confontational person but when it comes to my family....no holding back!
Very good! I am so happy to hear that you have made progress... any progress is good news and beats limbo.
Since I last posted (seems like weeks ago...), my situation has changed.
From flirtatious postings talking about HIS life, HIS stuff... my gut told me that other things were going on.
Wanted not to find things, but checked his cell phone a few nights ago.
Well, he has been cleverly deleting all messages... except that he left messages from a few nights. I see three 'girls' that he is sexting with (is this the term?)and one girl who is he just lovely-dovey with,
and openly friendly day and night... messages that he should be sending his wife.
As someone told me on this great site, 'nothing changes, if nothing changes. time to step up the game'...
H still in denial (just messing around...)and I have gone 180% into 180.
I have finally swept the elephants out from under the rug...now there is too much informtion.
And now must join a new forum : sex addict/serial cheater.
I know just how you feel. My WH is not only having an EA with some fucking skank whore from 30 years ago but he is still having the EA with OW #1 MY EX-FRIEND!
Just read your story...
I am so sorry
I have been doing a lot of soul-searching... and I know that I let everything go on with my 'blind' optimism.
Everything is so clear now and these EA's are only the tip so to speak.
I see his deep need to be admired by someone, constantly, stroke his ego... where I only see disappointment and revulsion... and unfortunely, the only people he can attract are 20-somethings on the Internet where they can't SEE him...
Wishing you well.
My Ex had an EA with his HS girlfriend. The one person I felt threatened about when we were dating ( In the 80's!)
The one person he said he would NEVER be attracted to. The one person he said I had "nothing to fear" when he met her for dinner in August. The person who started texting him, (it popped up in the car) and suddenly, he started deleting his texts.
We divorced in December, and he is still dating her. To this day, he denies it has anything to do with the reason we divorced. For a while, i believed him.
Trying to move on, but i still love him and miss him. I hate that.
I've been married 23 years and we have one daughter,age 16. For the last 12 yrs my husband has worked nights, I worked days. I would get up in the am and he wouldn't be home. Thinking he was out with the guys from work since 3am was his 5pm and he was winding down, I didn't worry. This happened 2-3 times a week. Long story short it wasn't the guys he was hanging out with, it was a new group of friends he had met. In particular, two women. One is 50ish, we'll call her LOSER and her niece is 30ish, we'll call her SKANK. LOSER is married, but her husband was in prison. The SKANK was in a long term relationship and had a child with a biker.
This started about 2004. In 2005 I was in a major car accident, rupturing two disc's in my low back. I could no longer work and that's when I realized he was not coming home at all for days at a time. I thought he would come home about 7 or 8 in the morning and he left for work at about 3pm, so he would be gone when I got home from work. When he would show up after disapearing for several days I would ask him "where have you been?" and his answer would be "what do you mean where have I been?". After about five rounds of this, I would stop so I wouldn't have a stroke. I refused to think about this for the longest time as I was trying to heal from the accident and get used to having pain and limited use of my back. I could no longer work, I didn't have a car anymore, and I couldn't do much physically so I just tried to keep my emotions and the looming problems at bay.
One Saturday LOSER, her husband and SKANK come over to our house and I am introduced. I become friendly with all of them but am never told the true nature of my husband's relationship with them. I find out little by little. Such as the time our cell phone SIM cards got mixed up and I started getting his phone calls instead of mine!
The things he would do for these two women were amazing. I would beg him to help me with a chore or take me grocery shopping and it was met with "I don't have time", etc. BUT all they had to do was mention something they needed or wanted and he couldn't do it fast enough.
Here's an example: I had no car, so I walked our daughter to and from school, every day rain or shine. Yet he would take SKANK(now pregnant) to doctors appts, shopping, etc. He rented a convertible Mustang for the LOSER to drive on a weekend trip she was taking. I can easily think of at least ten more examples.
Eventually the biker boyfriend got fed up with my husband and he beat him up twice. That still didn't keep him away from his "friend". He didn't understand why he was mad after all they were just friends. He would say that nobody was going to tell him what to do or who he could be friends with.
About three years ago I put my foot down, I told my husband how inappropriate this relationship was, how much time and emotional energy he was taking away from our marriage. I told him how much his behavior hurt and embarassed me with his "friendship". I even changed the locks the last time he didn't come home. After the second beating my husband said he would end it and no longer be friends with SKANK. All he did was lie to me. They would secretly call each other, go places, etc. He was always available. These are two examples of his behavior. When we were moving out of the house we had lived in for 15 yrs. It's about 6pm and I notice my car is gone (we are down to one car) and I start asking where my car went. My daughter tells me that Daddy said he'd be right back and left. We didn't see him again until 2am. meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to get the last two truckloads moved, because we have to return the truck by 7am the next morning. When he gets back he tells me he had to go to work. He had taken the night off, but said that they really needed him. I found out later that SKANK had called him and he met her at the local casino. He did go to work but it was about 10pm. New Years 2010, right after midnight, he's on the front porch with the door open and his phone rings. "Happy New Years" is exchanged and a very brief conversation. He comes in the house and asks me if I mind if he goes to our friend Robbies house for a drink. I'm ready to fall asleep, so I tell him to go and have a good time. Well... it was SKANK on the phone and he was going to meet her.
Finally, the SKANK'S biker boyfriend showed up at my house looking for my husband, saying that when he found him he was going to give him a beating that he would never forget. He threatened me and said that if my husband had anything more to do with SKANK, he would would destroy our cars and trash our house.
I don't think my husband has seen here since then. Not because of the threats but because on that same day, Aug 9, 2010, he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He has Extensive Stage Small Cell Lung Cancer. He has received massive doses of chemotherapy and had to stop working Dec 2010. He is slowly becoming sicker and probably won't see another Christmas.
We have talked about this as recently as two weeks ago, I again told him how this has made me feel, how it has robbed me and robbed our marriage of the time and energy that he spent on his "Friend". He still doesn't get it. He feels that he did nothing wrong. I'm trying to deal with how I feel; the anger, the hurt and the resentment. I don't want to spend the last days with my husband and feel like this. I need him to truly understand what he did so that I can start to heal before he dies.
[This message edited by Chasing Pavement at 11:59 AM, March 8th (Tuesday)]
chasing pavement-I see you are new and wanted to let you know that this forum is slow. Try posting in Just Found Out.
I am sorry you are going through all this
Hi, D-Day January 20th, 2011 My WH and I are employed by a company in Ohio . He has 41 years of service in and I have 33 and a half years.
My WH and I both work in the same department under the same supervision. I was off of work from July 16, 2010 through January 31, 2011 due to my youngest daughter having a serious chronic illness and another daughter having a serious car accident which left her temporarily disabled.
I found out on January 19th, that my supervisor’s H had committed suicide because she had left him. Because my WH had NOT told me she left her H, a red flag went up and I checked our cell phone records and found that my WH had been having ongoing contact with our supervisor for over 3 months. She had now become the OW. Phone records are evidence of the phone calls and texting between them before, during and after work hours. Phone records also include records of calls placed to the direct line in the office of the supervisor. Guard assisted calls were also recorded to OW office. She had placed the first call and several others to my WH with me being unaware that she had his cell phone number, (which both have forgotten how SHE got it.) on Jun 13, 2010, the first weekend my daughter was hospitalized. As time went on I saw on the records that things really started to escalate towards the end of October. All calls and texts stopped the day I confronted them and they both told me they were “just friends“
I sent my WH cell phone in to digital forensics to retrieve texts messages and pictures shared between the two, because I felt I was being lied to about the numerous calls and texts. I should be receiving them this week or early next week. There were thousands of minutes of calls and hundreds of text within a 3 ˝ month time period. My WS finally admitted it had been a "Romantic Affair". They told each other they 'LUVVVED EACH OTHER," BUT MIRACLE OF ALL MIRACLES HE REALIZED ON d-dAY, HE LOVED ME INSTEAD, NOT HER...lol! So do I really want to read those text messages? I told WH I did NOT want him around when I was reading them…I don’t know what my reaction will be.
When I confronted the OW about the facts she offered me $3000 to NOT send the phone in to retrieve the messages. I refused. So what is she hiding? They both claim they never met anywhere or were physical. Do I believe another lie? My WH hasn’t touched me for 4 ˝ years. He says it’s Erectile Dysfunction. We both work 12 hrs. 6/7 days a week… No time for him to do anything extra, until the A started. Then he was gone every evening driving around to “talk” to somebody who cared about him. He claims he thought I didn’t care about him any more. Oh yes, Good one WH!
I had 8 years of ongoing issues with the OW and had 3 years previously confronted her about her asking my WS out for drinks to discuss company problems after hours, which she did in front of me, directing the invitation to WS with little to no regard for me. I, of course, was excluded from the invitation. I told WS to put a stop to it…He said “I don’t have a problem with it, you do, so you go tell her.” And I did! Upon confrontation she apologized and told me she would not do that anymore , that her H and her were very much in love…AND "OH I MUST APOLOGIZE TO YOUR SPOUSE" Is she stupid or what? I am the offended party and she cared more about him...No I am the stupid one:(. And how things change in a short time. Poor guy ( may god Forgive him and May he RIP) died in vain, if he only knew what his WW was really doing. And My WH thought I didn’t care about HIM anymore? Give me a break, Please..WHO Doesn't care about WHO?
I asked my WH several times throughout the last 8 years to stop letting OW share her personal life with him. He refused to stop. About 3 years ago a female employee filed a grievance against her for “favoring” my WS and letting things happen in our department that should not be happening. I was the only person not called into this investigation, reasons unknown to me. I had women approach me about the OW constant contact with my spouse and how it did not look proper. However I thought they were discussing work so did not look further into it.
OW also had a lawsuit brought up against her 7 years ago from a gentleman that worked here temporarily. I do not know what the charge was but I am aware that this man was being “sexual harassed by a couple of female temporary’s who would lift their tops up at him. I work in an above office and Jared would come up in tears that he did not know what to do. He had already told our supervisor and she refused to take action on his behalf.
OW tried to sit down and try to work out things out with me so we could have a more professional job situation, especially for my W, who is so stressed out, (seriously?) and she is so lost as what to do in the department cause he always did it all. After all they were “ Just Friends”. I told her to shut up, my WH already told how they had “fallen in love”. And "what is so professional about you" I asked. “I am a professional wedding decorator on the side and how professional would it be if I looked at the Groom to be and said “ Let’s get together for drinks and discuss what you need for your wedding day”. Real professional right?” NOT!
So OW has contact with my WH concerning work every day. I also have to deal one on one with the OW, who has asked me to “please not turn her in to Human Resources till her estate is settled.” Her H apparently did not leave her a will. She left work early a couple weeks ago and told my WS she needed to get her house appraised before "EVERYTHING BLOWS UP IN HER FACE AT WORK." Imagine what that would do to her image. I confronted her again and told her “Stop sharing personal things with my WH. I DO NOT want to go to Human Resources and turn you in” I do not feel comfortable with this work situation.
On 3-2-11, 6 weeks after D-day, my WH couldn't handle that I wanted to go to HR and report her plus the guilt that he hurt me and couldn't fix the hurt in 6 weeks so he went to HR, filed for his retirement pension, went home and packed his stuff and moved to mamas. What a line of bull.. He never filed to retire. He said I sent him one text message too many when I was upset that day he moved out. He moved back after 4 days under the pretense I had made too many bills , which I did when our daughter was ill and I was off work.WTH! What did he think, that me not working = his money stretching to cover everything. LOL!
So any way I told both cheaters I was not getting the texts now, so you can imagine their relief....untill I get them , read them and confront them again....My WH is actually trying with me but I am so hurt cause he just wants to forget it happened....How do I do that? Right, you can't. I am now going for IC and wanted him to go with me, but I know he won't say anything....So I am waiting for the text messages and waiting to see what was going on with him...Her I can hardly stand to look at. She has totally thinned out, has a flat @ss, saggy tatas and looks like a demon from hell. Ugh! And people at work do know what happened, or have sort of figured it out...Too bad for them both being idiots! Especially him....She was probably trying to make him husband # 6? So now I can not trust him for any reason. AND I TOLD HIM, " HOW DARE YOU MOVE OUT BECAUSE I WROTE ONE TEXT TOO MANY, AFTER YOU AND HER WROTE THOUSANDS TOO MANY. IF ANY ONE SHOULD MOVE OUT IT SHOULD BE ME."
Thank you for LETTING ME VENT! And yes, I am a fool because although I did not trust OW, I trusted WH with all my heart, mind and soul and I still love him…..and all that I feel is the betrayal of being double crossed….I cared about OW at one time and thought we respected each other….
My h had a EA. He focused all his energy on her and making him and her happy and left me out to dry.
She is an ex. She ended it with him 10 years ago. She was at a wedding we attended last September.
He didn't point her out to me or anything at the wedding. Sometime after that (i haven't gotten a clear answer yet) she contacted him to say she was sorry for how she ended things with him.
He said don't worry. Then she said she still had feelings for him. He said he had feelings for her too.
Then they started a 6 month EA. He wrote her love letters. He called her his princess. He called himself her prince. He called her sweetheart- the same thing he called me.
They also had online sex and phone sex and sexted.
He confided in her.
I can't get the words i saw him say to her out of my head. I can't stop imagining the conversations i don't have evidence of.
On any given day all i want to do is curl up and cry. But i don't feel safe anywhere. He conducted the affair from our office. With me in the house. My home isn't a safe haven anymore.
Please allow me to join here. I have been obsessed with my phone reading posts since I found the forums yesterday. This infidelity crap, is just that, crap.
My story. I have been married for almost 11 years. 4 months after my marriage my H had "what I called an inapporpriate relationship with another teacher".
Then, one day, out of the blue when my adopted daughter (adopted as newborn) was three and my son was almost one, he left me out of the blue and drove to NY. I found out later that he had a huge EA with a women he met on Final Fantasy. I was livid, but knowing my personality, being a Christian woman, wanting to have a successful marriage, I changed everything I could about me. I stopped seeing my friends, lost baby weight, treated him as if he was KING.
Well October 17, 2009- after two wonderful years, I thought we were happy. I felt he loved me deeply, I thought he was so into me. On DDay I got up early, stumbled into the kitchen to pack lunches for my daughter's soccer game. The IPOD alarm, that was suppose to be mine was going off. When I went to turn off the alarm, I could NOT BELIEVE what I read.
He was having EA's with two women and they were very sexual. Now, please do not kick me out of here- because one of them turned PA Bigtime, they worked together. She worked with my WH and her husband all worked in the same building.
OMG. I can't believe what I read, One woman in Florida was going to drive to Charlotte to F**K her man.
The other Whore lives here and he admitted to being physical with her.
But, the reason I want to be here is because I believe this is where I need to be. He is emotionally insane. He can't walk pass a weak woman who needs attention.
They were texting discusting texts. He even texted that "My c**ck was so ready to explode inside of you".
Look- I am so overwhelmed that I possibly have a place to vent, help others, and possibly heal. But, I need to be here.
It's been over a year and a half since DD of this last one. He is a wonderful man. We are back in church, he is dedicated to me, he has done everything from meet with two pasters, to beg for forgiveness, to step it up with the kids (to the point that I look like the bad mommy especially since he screwed up my life so badly). He has done better with absolutely every important relationship in hislife. God, me, the kids, his mother.
But, the pain of what he has done and the uncertainty I face from will I ever be enough for him? Why and How could he treat me so badly? To will it happen again, to which is worse, what he did or what I put up with.
He has changed me into this obsessed woman, that wanted nothing more than a good father to my children, a good husband, a simple, no frills but satisfying life that is God centered into a person that I do not even recognize sometimes.
But this recovery for me is hard. Some days are great but some days I can't stop feeling bad about myself, my world and everything in it.
God, please let me stay. I know this is already long but I have so much I have to put down.
I apologize for not actually responding to anyone elses stories yet. Please give me a minute because I have been so alone in my head for so long.
I have so much to ask, so much to give, so many stories to share.
Anyone want to know what I did when I found that stupid IPOD????
I immediately tracked down where the whore lived and went to her house. I told her if it was the last thing I did on earth, I would tell her husband everything I discovered. I accidently deleted the e-mails but he believed me because of the detail I had.
That stupid woman was going to meet my wH at the gym while her's went to urgent care with pain in his appendix. who does that?
Well, we have all moved on, but she still works there somewhere but I'll tell you the truth. I didn't know that they had met at Sam's parking lot and made out until her husband told me. I didn't know they were meeting in conference rooms and making out.
I would have knocked her teeth down her throat and watched her choke on them.
This is the biggest thing. I can not understand Cheating. I don't get it. It is the cruelest, meanest thinig anyone can do. Why on earth would anyone want to risk their blessings for something they believe will make them whole. And, why does it seem I am the only one paying for their stupidity.
I hate affairs. I hate them. I hate lies.
Now, something else about me. I just turned 40. I have two beautiful kids, 7 and 4. I have wonderful parents and inlaws. I have a disabled brother who now has pre-leukemia. I have my Masters in Special Education, my National Boards and on a scale from 1-10, especially for my age- I'm atleast an 8. But, he's brought me down to a 1.
I used to be fun, charming, full of life, determined, friendly, and a well rounded person. I'm now a shadow of who I used to be.
The worst part is my Husband doesn't even know how much is in my head all the time.
He's apologized and apologized. He's been wonderful. He is sexy, he got real sexy when he was cheating on me. He looked really good. And I don't mean to sound mean but he's shorter than me and he will always be shorter than me. So, whatever.
When I found out about the Sam's parking lot, I kicked his muscular butt, chipped a tooth. Please don't think me violant. Im not but a person can only take so much. Even my pastor laughed at that cause he couldn't help himself. It's just not my character to be threatening and mean. If anything, I'm quiet and humble.
I got to the bottom of the steps and my sweet daughter asked me why I hit daddy. I said Daddy got a spanking because he had been a really bad boy.
Now, of course I do not ever want my kids to see anything like that- EVER. But, nothing I did EVER deserved what he put me through.
Okay, I know I'm rambling. God, I'm so sorry.
Last thing. The strange thing about this board is that the OP her name was EA (in short). My husband had an EA and a PA with EA.
Did any of you learn that the EA was also a PA without WH telling you? I have a strong belief that it was, but no proof.
My evidence that the EA turned PA was my nose. I could smell her on him. Not perfume or shampoo: her.
WH would laugh in my face if I told him this. Without a photograph or some detailed written out declaration from one or both of them he would/will deny 'til he is cold in the grave. It is his nature.
So, while the EA has been going on for a year and a half, and the PA was contained to a 2 week period when the OW was here (OW lives overseas) I feel no more sick because of it. The EA and the lying did the damage. He doesn't even get that.
My husband started an EA with a married co-worker the beginning of this year. They each helped each other solve a work related problem. She pursued my husband. They realized they loved each other in the middle of February. I had been telling my WH that I didn't like them texting so much. I even said how he was talking to her more than me. He worked late most days and even on the weekend. At the time our youngest was 7 months old. I heard "we are just friends" so many times. While I was out of town MOW came over and had sex in our bed. She even slept my bed over night. Later in the week WH decided he "didn't know if he could be with someone who didn't trust him". So he stayed at a hotel and had more sex with the whore. When he returned home the affair continued. He finally told me on 3/12 that he slept with her. He lead me to believe it was just in the hotel... not in our house. The EA part continued. I got to hear how he loves her, he needs her, he can't live with out her in his life.
On 4/2 I responded to an email from the whore telling her there was to be no contact. She then decided to she chose him and asked him to leave me. He said no.
It's been 7 weeks and it's still hard that they still work together closely and have one on one meetings. Today is our wedding anniversary. She and WH destroyed my trust. Our marriage will never be the same.
Well, I'm back and it's been several months. We have continued the MC with some success. He admitted a lot of things during our sessions about having these EA's and that he realizes how much it has hurt me. Building the trust has been difficult. I still catch myself wanting to check his phone, and on the occasion that I have, there have been questions about texts to a certain person. The MC suggested when I have a fear about anything to discuss it with my H and that he should respond with explinations and not with anger. He is the reason I have this fear and he needs to explain ANY questions I have regarding texts OR anything else. These texts seem work related for the most part. The MC counselor suggested he keep it strictly business with the women at work. He agreed. Anyway, we sort of graduated from the MC with his last words to my H. You two have a great relationship except for these things you do...don't fuck it up!
Last Saturday we are working in the yard and he says that the OW he had an extensive lunch with, had asked US to come to her daughters birthday party. I just looked at him and said "Are you serious?". I said "why in the hell would I want to spend any time with her or her family? Then I asked if he would have gone if I were not at home and he actually said MAYBE. Then he followed it up with her "fiance" was going to be there. SERIOUSLY? That's when I got pissed off. He got defensive and then said "forget I mentioned it". Not gonna happen. The fact that he got defensive sent up a huge red flag yet again. So, we really are not speaking much and he's trying to kiss my ass big time because I believe he realizes he screwed up yet again.
Disappointed to say the least!
Well, hugs to all of you. I see we have a lot in common.
My h had a EA. He focused all his energy on her and making him and her happy and left me out to dry.
She is an ex. She ended it with him 10 years ago.
same here. Confronted, he denied, confronted again a few weeks later, he got angry and denied, confronted again a few months later, he denied.
When he did admit, he said "she wanted to talk about her daughter's health problems".
Really. My daughter has health problems, too. No 20 hours of discussion with me about it. Including the middle of the night.
He is emotionally insane. He can't walk pass a weak woman who needs attention.
When I told his mother, she said "oh, he doesn't love her, she's weak and she doesn't know what he's doing", meaning his drinking. I know she's right, but I don't know if I can get over the hurt. I told him the other day how much it hurt me. He just paid it some lame I won't do it again kind of talk, followed with "I really want to spend my life with you."
Dday was almost a year ago. I'm not getting over it this time. I don't know if I want to spend my life with him.
Again, hugs to all of you. Let's keep posting, we can be here for each other. I wouldn't have made it this far, and learned as much as I have without my SI community.
I think the reason he asked you to attend this birthday party is because WH just really never "get it".
I know mine doesn't and it's three years this month. My husband still will not admit that he was dating this person even though I have the receipts to prove it.
It's just total bullshit on their parts. I think they still feel that they have not done anything wrong.
It is truly crazy making at it's finest. And, I think I'm going crazy most of the time.
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