SurvivingInfidelity.com® > I Can Relate
I think the reason he asked you to attend this birthday party is because WH just really never "get it".
I know mine doesn't and it's three years this month. My husband still will not admit that he was dating this person even though I have the receipts to prove it.
It's just total bullshit on their parts. I think they still feel that they have not done anything wrong.
It is truly crazy making at it's finest. And, I think I'm going crazy most of the time.
Im so tired of hearing "my spouse had a EA/PA with a coworker" Cant even trust your spouse to go to work anymore!!!! WTF!!!!
Or trust them when you are at work. Try having your non working spouse sneak over to a guys house to F him while you are at work. Talk about WTF!!! So I'm out making money and working my ass off so she can buy nice clothes and things so she can look good for him. Oh and he was a former coworker from a part time job she took but no longer had.
I'm tired of hearing it too. Such a lack of disrespect. I'm glad I'm moving on from this garbage. "Oh I made a mistake. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think you loved me anymore."
So an affair fixed everything for us?
"Oh I made a mistake. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think you loved me anymore."
I heard that one too. What a crock. I also heard "I tried to talk to you about my feelings but you wouldn't listen." This is just another statement designed to put the blame on the BS.
In a strange sort of way her A did help me be a better person. I do listen even when what I hear pisses me off. I can remain calm with my responses. I have learned to recognize when she is trying to blame me for her problems and I tell her how I feel about what she just said. She will then retract her blame and apologize. Sometimes I use reverse psychology and agree with her which then makes her turn around and defend me from her own statement. This works good. I learned all these techniques after her A.
I'd like to say that we have moved on and up, but sadly NO.
He lied yet again straight to my face. Even gave him 2 chances to come clean. This was not an AE, but simple not telling me where he had been for an hour since a meeting was over. Unbelievable! He got caught by technology. His phone butt dialed me when he sat down at a restaurant with several women from work including the one we have had issues about. (So much for listening to the MC and keeping work professional) Now, I'm not angry he went, I'm outraged he lied to my face about it. So my phone rings and I answer. Nobody says anything back, but I can hear him and others talking. I say hello several times and realize he doesn't know his phone dialed my number. I listen for over 40 minutes while he goes on and on about himself and work, and the others are chatting away. I can hear them order drinks, and then he realizes his phone is on. Clicks it off and was back home in less than 10 minutes. His routine was different when he got home. He didn't come look for me or say hello. Just went in the bedroom and changed. I was cleaning downstairs and he finally comes down and says hello. I can tell by his face he's not sure what I heard, but says nothing about where he was. So I ask if the meeting just got over...he says about 20 minutes ago. LIE! I say ok and continue to work. I finish and then change to go out alone, and after I tell him where I'll be I ask if he had any dinner. He says no, didn't feel like eating anything...I had a late lunch. I stand there and wait. Maybe he'll tell me where he was after the meeting. Nope! 2 chances and no honesty. So I leave and meet my daughter for dinner. I come back and calmly tell him how I heard the whole conversation....which was nothing bad, just work and BS...and he had 2 opportunities to tell me where he was and that the meeting was over at least an hour before he realized he butt dialed me. BUSTED again!! He tells me that he doesn't say anything because I might get mad and over react...Really? How about how I react when I know he is lieing...again. So, we are back going to the MC...well, the first visit was last week and I went alone...tomorrow we go together. We have talked and he realizes how he lost all my trust yet again. We'll see what tomorrow brings....but I'm about at the end of my rope. Simlpy...he lies.
Nobody has posted to this topic for awhile. I'm about 6 weeks out from DDay and dont' even know why I decided to check the cellphone records. I had warned him that I did that and he knew it. It didn't stop wh from making hundreds and I mean like 700 phone calls and texts to ow in six weeks. The EA had actually been going on for over a year but really heated up in June/July. I haven't heard why. He says he is remorseful, has gone NC which I verify by checking cell records daily at least.
We are in MC and trying for R but I can't forgive. I still have unanswered Questions and wonder if it was really a PA. He would suddenly need to stay in another town for "business" reasons.
Hurt, anger, hope, feat, I range between all those and more. Mostly hurt and anger. Married 36 years. We had become like roommates but he should have asked for D before looking for someone else (which is what I think he was doing). He says just big mistake, his fault.
Sometimes I just hate him.
Daughter just called tonight and said she is engaged. I tried to be happy for her.
Notgoneyet - be careful
My WH had a LTEA with an co-worker that also became sexual.
When I finally found out, I checked the phone records and went nuts how much he spoke to her. So what did he do? Buy one of those prepaid phones. He could sit there and tell me that he no longer talks to her, because of course there was nothing on the phone logs, then I got into his credit card account and saw he bought a secret phone.
Not saying that's what yours is doing - just be careful (((hugs))).
Thanks for the response - a couple times he told me he was just going to buy another phone (in anger, I hope). He has other businesses and I would not have access to all the credit card info.
Trust is a hard thing to recapture after either PA/EA. We are in MC and I intend to ask more questions next week when he can't dodge them.
Just thought I'd join this thread. My H had an online "friend" who lives in Mexico. He says it was nothing romantic, and it was just chatting, but didn't tell me because he knew i wouldn't want him to be friends with another female. He told me, I never suspected anything..... not ever. He went NC, as far as I know, is on anti-depressants, and has spent every extra minute with me. He's doing all the right things..... it's me who still has that sick feeling in my stomach. She lives across the world, yet I'm still so angry and hurt..... My marriage has gotten better, probably better than it has been in a LONG time, but I'm still hurt and don't trust him. I can't imagine what I would have done if it was a PA....
Nor do I my husband. Trust goes out the window.
We still love them, but will never, ever completely trust them again.
He agreed at the last MC to make an effort to text or call me without me calling first. That worked for one day, then back to not contacting me unless I did first. Then was mad at me for bringing it up.
Does anyone suggest 180 when he has gone NC and we are trying for R? I just don't know how to get through to him. MC is not helping me.
I want and need to join here too.
I have a problem that i don't know how to cope with.
Believe it or not everything is going well. I got the remorse, the work it takes etc etc etc.
But i need to let go and after 3 years i am realising that i just don't know how to.
The EA was not PA and i cannot find any proof otherwise. They live so far from each other she is his first gf from his hometown and he hasn't been there in 3 years. Neither have i! Parents are still alive.
We have discussed this until we are both sick of it, me included as i really want to put it behind us.
It's almost like there was a honemoon perion in the reconcilliation period and everything was reall wonderful. Almost like we were both lifted up into a new fog and now we are coming down again.
I am constantly doing things to make him happy and aware that this is not the best solution as i am also expecting return of investment!!
I know that this can signify a feeling of insecurity on my part and we have discussed it. I am getting what i want here so what the hell is wrong with me?
I don't even feel any envy or jealousy towards the OW, i don't sneak looks at emails, phone calls bla bla bla anymore and don't feel the need to!
What i do feel is a reflection of who i am, i feel that i have worked sop hard on the reconcilliation that i am no longer true to myself.
I feel angry that i was put into the position where i too had to recover and save him from the mess.
I guess i always somehow felt guilty and part of the reason he looked somewhere else in the first place.
I know i was not to blame for his affair i know that he is responsible and he knows that too.
So why do i feel guilty for not being able to satisfy my own husband enough for him to look somewhere else?
I still have so many why's it is obvious that my h cannot answer these as he has tried til he is blue in the face.
My problem is with me and no amount of IC can help that.
I seem to others to be so happy and balanced, good at my job but deep inside i am struggling with this infidelity.
Yes, i know it can be that i am too proud, try too hard to be a perfectionist and this kicked me in the gut. Some people might say " Hah! silly cow she deserved it but i am hurting.
If i don't sort myself out soon i might just lose everything for good. I am really begging for help to understand why i cannot let go. I would appreciate so much some help from both ws and Bs in what i can do to move on.
A good kick in the butt might just help.
Unfortunately, this thread is pretty dead most of the time. So I wanted you to know I read your post. I'm in the same boat so don't know how much help I can be but here goes.
You have worked your ass off to save a relationship that still isn't satisfying to you. And discovered along the way that it's you that now needs to be fixed. This is much harder than fixing someone else.
My husband had an EA as far as I know, that is all he will admit too and I also don't have any proof of anything else. But even so it is to me just as hard to deal with maybe even harder. The friendship and bonding he had with this woman kills me still and it has been 3 years Sept. 22, 2008 D-day.
I have anger issues with myself. Never mind forgiveness or acceptance. Not there yet, may never be. Perhaps we are perfectionist.
I find that I am disappointed in all my relationships now. Someone in SI suggested a book called This Wasn't supposed to Happen to me by Bev Smallwood. I got it and struggling to read yet another self-help book. To me it's better than counselors, don't want to waste any more money or time sitting in some counselors office. That's just how I feel about it.
Eventually, we all have to take a look at ourselves. Don't give up. life is a journey of understanding.
My FWW's EA was so close becoming a PA when I discovered it. Based on the correspondence I read, I have no doubt it would have become a PA if I had found out later.
In some ways, I thank my lucky stars.
I feel exactly the same way. My FWH had been texting OW (a "mutal" friend) for about a month when he asked her to go with him out of town. A trip he was supposed to go on with a male buddy who backed out at the last minute. I was trying to go but couldn't find an overnight sitter for the kids so he asked her. She said no. But he tried REALLLLLLY hard. Had she said yes I am certain it would gone went PA. That and I found all their text messages 2 days before his little trip. Yeah, so, while that was a nice kick in the gut finding the texts it was the wake up call we both needed.
It appears there isn't a lot of people here, but I'm a victim of an EA my SBXH was having. I chose to leave and file for D immediately because I was so hurt. Now it's been almost 2 months, the anger has finally subsided, then I couldn't stop crying last week, we are texting & talking, probably too much but mostly about son. I still have this need to be in touch with him even though I don't want to be with him. I know that the EA ended the day I walked out. WH lied & hid it for about 3 months. I discovered it through cell phone bills. I know I don't want to reconcile to the point of living together again but we are at this weird stage of being polite and know that we still love each other. He's so apologetic now, whereas before it was anger and lies. I'm getting confused with myself. At first once I found out all I wanted was out. Like how can he do this to me after 16 yrs of marriage and just expect me to forgive and stay? Now I am questioning my decisions. This is still so new. Any words would be welcomed.
Toohurttostay - that's why I don't believe in making ANY decision until the dust has settled.
Now several months into R after DDay 2….I'm still not sure what I want. But I know that I can leave any time, coming back is something much harder. It only takes 1 to leave but it takes 2 to get back together.
I do know a couple who got back together years after their divorce. And had 2 more children too. I'm sure that's rare but if you still love each other you should at least talk about it. Worst that can happen is you work through it, decide you want to move on, but actually get to process it.
Being left with no explanation or processing is hardest I think. JMO.
I caught my husband in several EA'a and he insisted that it's not cheating. I was in the exact same situation. I poured over the phone records. Sometimes He would call one of his OW minutes after I left the house and talk for over an hour. He would text them all day long at work, but tell me that he was busy and would talk to me later. Recently I found out that he was simutlaneously having a PA with one of his coworkers and an EA with another. He won't admit to any of it.
I definitely know the pain you are feeling right now. Keep your head up.
I love when they say it isn't cheating. If there isn't anything wrong with it, why hide it?
Creating an emotional connection of a romantic nature with sexual undertones is cheating.
Mine would go out to walk the dogs after giving me a kiss and saying he loved me and call her. They talked for an average of an hour a day for the first month. That plus an average of 30 texts a day and all the FB chats. Its so sad to know they had that much energy to put into this fake relationship but no time to put into our relationships. It's heartbreaking to know they turned to another for emotional support and companionship.
MrsConsistency: Thanks for your reply.
Toohurttostay - that's why I don't believe in making ANY decision until the dust has settled.I had my best friend tell me to wait until the dust settled but I was so sure, and especially when my WH was becoming increasingly angry with me, threatening to take my car, saying I was the one who wanted out and his anger just propelled me to file for divorce, originally I was going to just file for Legal separation but I felt like he wouldn't ever change, his anger has created problems in our marriage, nothing physical but still scared the hell out of me that he might snap one day.
Now he's finally calmed down, told me if the divorce is what I want he won't contest it but made it clear it wasn't what he wanted.
Yes I wish I would have waited til the dust settled, I didn't know what to do or what to expect and handled it out of hurt and anger.
I guess I could stop the divorce but I'm also waiting to see if he changes. We had other issues besides his EA, so I am going to just see what happens.
Thanks for your input.
I left after FWH's EA too. The whole sordid story is in my profile. It was ugly. We had other issues as well. I didn't really want a D, but at the time I didn't feel like I had any other options since FWH was doing the "we were just friends" thing and lying about everything under the sun. Plus he was drinking and putting our son at risk with his behavior.
After we S, he started begging for another chance. I gave him a list of things he needed to do before I would even think about R. I really didn't expect him to do them, but he did. I was moving toward D this whole time. Once he started really showing me that he was working to fix himself, I went to a MC appointment with him. Eventually, we did move into R.
If you are not sure that you want to D, would you be open to letting him show you with his actions that he can do the work for R? It doesn't mean you have to stop the D. It just might help you resolve whatever mixed emotions you have.
EAs are so difficult because the lack of physical contact makes the "truth" slippery for the WS. FWH did linguistic gymnastics for months. In the end, it was that crap that made it so hard for us to R- even more so than the A itself.
Wow...does this ever end without a divorce? It's hard to get past things when H works with the OW every day. She even has a nickname for him...which he claims "everybody" calls him by at work. Really? Never heard it from anyone myself, and we have done many things as a group. Funny how she is never at these group things with her "so-called" fiance. Seems she's not well liked at work. Hmmm?
My H just doesn't get it. The last thing happened about 7 weeks ago. His phone is sounding off with text messages from someone. He's outside, so I check his phone to see who is so desperately trying to reach him. Well, seems she's just answering his text that they are ok. On some lake and he gets a message there is EMS needed at the same lake. Gee...hundreds of people there, but he has to contact her just in case. Funny, his text to her is erased, yet she says "we are ok...thanks for asking". Then she sends pics of her kids swimming and fishing...aren't they wonderful. What's wrong with this picture?? This is the one who he had a lengthy lunch with...lied to me about...but they are just good friends. We talk and I ask why his text to her is erased. "I always erase text...so what?" We argue and his response is he did nothing wrong...he would have asked all others he works with the same thing if they had been there. (he must seriously think I'm a moron) In the conversation he gets defensive, angry...all the things the MC told him not to do...and finishes it with "I'm not gonna be questioned about every little thing I do. So, you do your thing and I'll do mine and let me know when you want to be a couple again". Hmmm? Defensive and trying to throw guilt my way. Not workin this time. Think I'm gonna ask him to move downstairs...nice basement room. Just cannot afford to seperate...in this economy, and with the market in the toilet, for now we are stuck with each other.
Unless someone has some miracle idea that can make him see what he's doing is destroying our marriage...I'm pretty much done.
HE JUST DOESN'T GET IT!!!!