She's in the fog and can't understand why she feels the way she does but she 'knows' she doesn't have enough feelings for me so therefore can't see any way for our marriage to survive.
On paper it looks bleak, she says she doesn't love me and is not sure she ever has. There's no desire and without the 'feelings' she can't see any point in staying together. She's in IC and has a couple of self help books so she's trying but she can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Last week we went out for dinner, it was a nice night and in bed I waited to see what she wanted to do. She seemed keen to kiss and we had a very passionate night (one of the best and ALL bar one have happened since DDay) but the next day I noticed she seemed a little distant and cold.
Later that night I asked her if there was anything on her mind and we started to talk and I mentioned about the night before. For me, it was so good that it gave me hope that we can work things out. She said she didn't want to have sex the night before but felt she ought to as it was the natural end to a nice meal out. I said that she seemed very into it and it was very tender and loving and she finished with what felt like a strong orgasm so there must be hope as there is clearly something that is still working between us. She then dropped the bomb and said that she didn't have an orgasm, she wanted it to end so just pretended to have one (and later admitted it wasn't the first time she had done this).
This was the last straw for me and after talking about it a bit more we went to sleep but I snuck out and slept in the spare room. I couldn't face her the next morning and we didn't kiss goodbye and then I moved all my stuff out of the bedroom and into the spare room.
I can't see how we can come back from this. I still believe that her past is the problem (virgin till 26, 1 previous boyfriend, unable or unwilling to discuss anything so we didn't argue, unwilling to let herself go and enjoy sex (sees oral as 'dirty') and the list goes on). It's only now that she has had an EA that she is finally confronting herself and through IC may be able to find some reason for the way she is. I could easily walk and she tells me I deserve better but I can still see the wonderful woman I married in her and I do not want to give up until there is absolutely nothing left to fight for but she finds it so hard to even try (has only had two IC sessions).
What I really want to know is, does anyone so deep in the fog ever come out of it? Has anyone ever been on the receiving end of "I don't think I have ever loved you and I have no feelings for you" and been able to turn it around? Can someone like my WS dig deep and find what she thinks isn't there?
I'm trying to do the 180 but I am also aware that if I don't fight to save this marriage, she will just let it die without even trying. I feel numb right now.
Mistakenly, they believe it is not a real affair without full sexual intercourse so they hide behind that defense. They indulge in everything but,so in reality it is a small technical difference.
My WS is claiming only an EA but every week brings more admittance of physical intimacy, they may not have had actually had sexual intercourse but they did everything but. Really? That helps? Who are you kidding? Not the BS, perhaps only themselves and their AP, I don't think they even believe it. It is just minimizing in it's most extreme form.
Worse, they gave their hearts and souls to another person, what warped mind convinces themselves that doesn't count as an affair? It damages more than the sex, if only they got that.
All they do is torture us to protect themselves. To be honest I am starting to believe this is the worst type of cheating because it is laden with excuses and justifications.
I am now taking the approach with my WS that I don't accept his ascertion that it was not a real affair because he didn't have actual intercourse. I am now treating it as if he did. Maybe he might one day find the strength to admit but for me and my personal integrity I am not accepting the BS any longer.
It will be 2 years in April that I found out and I am still angry at times. When I think that for a full year somehow conveniently he "forgot' to tell me about their meetings, their emails, the discussions on the phone ( the idiot would not even delete the calls from the caller ID) H hardly ever uses his cell so there are no texts to deal with. He started using his cell when I put my foot down and told him that he should tell her NEVER to call heir again blocking her number. When she could not longer call, then he started calling her...
He has not had contact in over a year even though he sees her once in a while through their mutual organization. I know the bitch personally and I had even invited her twice to spend New Year's and Easter with us since she has no family in town. Nice eh????
This was an EA that was vey close to becoming a PA. Had I not figured it out, it would not have been long. Even H told me once " who knows what would have happened in the summer had we not gone on an extended vacation" (double
To which I responded " we both know what would have happened in the summer."
In some way I thank my lucky stars i put a stop to it when I did.
I read all the posts from the very first ones to the very last one. I have one question: can anyone update us on your status?I wonder what happened to some of the older members..
Sorry this is happening to you. You will hear a lot of lame excuses. Brace yourself. Remember to take care of yourself, no one else will do that for you.
I eventually discovered that my ex is a passive aggressive personality type, and the affairs were symptomatic of much bigger issues. That was the end of it for me.
[This message edited by TwitterVictim at 12:44 PM, January 25th (Wednesday)]
They had had a turbulent relationship about 10 years back. They had issues which they didnt bring on the table. She needed someone so she got married to a guy from another country and moved there. He was hurt and offended and cut her out of his life but she wanted to be friends and end the relationship cordially.
Me and my WH were dating(long distance) for 3 years and decided to get married. We had discussed our respective pasts with each other. Just before the wedding for 6 weeks I moved to my hometown to organize our wedding.
She had sent him a fishing email few months back. He replied. He even discussed with his best friend who advised him to not get into it n not reply to her. She visited country for two months. They reconnected. Her sister had tried to commit suicide and she was seeking his emotional support.
I called him once when he was on his way to a hill resort. I thought it was a bachelor party. I trusted him blindly. Later I came to know she had planned it and he went along. Thats where they had PA. Next morning they had tempers flaring over old issues, he felt guilty and she tried to justify it for him but he cut her short. They fought and she accused him of making her vulnerable and leaving her to get married. she said that was his way of getting revenge though all this while she came on to him. later she said she didnt mean it and said all that only in resentment. he comforted her(this is my imagination playing with what I know of him, he's very emotional and whenever he says or does anything that hurts someone he wants to make it up to him/her). They decided to end the affair and be 'friends'.
We got married and even after that he went to meet her twice at a coffee shop telling me he has to meet some friends who came for wedding n will be leaving town soon. I wondered y couldn't he take me along too. That when i checked his phone and read his messages. When he got back I confronted him. Was a painful process to get it out of him. He called her the next day for NC. She was agitated. Sent him another fishing email. He showed it to me. She had written it was ironical and unfortunate that I found out when they had ended their affair and decided that he wud concentrate on his marriage. She wanted them to be frinds and asked him to mail her and write about his feelings. She also asked him to help her sister and counsel her at a coffee shop when she's gone. N she wrote she was worried for him that he must be going thru a tuff time and if it helped she cud write to me.
he cried to me that he had made a mistake. But he insists he had ended it before our wedding. But I still consider it cheating. He went and met her just two days into our marriage. Whereas this time should have been for us. He should have been beside me helping me cope with the change of a new city, new home and new people around me. he told me she had gone thru a lot.
Her sis tried to commit suicide. She herself is going thru therapy as she has unresolved issues with her strict parents. Y couldn't he see MY problems. I lost my mom at 9, My dad abandoned me, I have lived with strict grandparents too. I could have coped up with PA but EA is harder.
On the day of our wedding while he was traveling to my city he had text-ed her' traveling. thinking of u. replaying conversations.', n 'are u ok?'. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Dont want to look at my wedding pics. I feel our relationship was too weak for him to resist her fishing.
All this while , while he was in this EA he was very loving and caring to me. I didnt see any change of attitude. In hindsight it must have been his way of coping with guilt.
Here's wat i think of this EA. I will not consider it ended after our marriage till NC. U cannot be friends with someone u cannot meet along with ur wife. It bothers me he might have discussed our fights with her.
'Communicate to me. I really liked it that u reached out to me the other day. tell me how u feel'
she had written this in the email. I will hold it against him that he tried to fix her problems and never saw mine. took me for granted.
You're husband may be going into a midlife crisis. Read up on it and see if there are any signs.
I have been married for 39 years and my marriage has had numerous problems. The EA was the worst.
You might get more responses if you post in General or Just Found Out. This thread is does not get the attention it deserves.
I'm sorry you find yourself here. I understand completely how devastating an EA can be.
Do you only have his word on this? No other evidence?
In January of 2011 he was diagnosed as being borderline personality disorder. We learned that basically the way he sees things is he tries to surround himself with people or events that will confirm to him that he is a bad person because that is how he sees himself. And that when he knows someone is healthy for him or someone truely loves him then he will do all he can to destroy that since it is too scary to handle the unknown. If not for the diagnoses I would be gone. But I also suffer from mental illness (post Tramatic Stress Disorder from a rape, Bipolar - low scale, agoraphobia and anxiety/panic disorder). If I expect him to accept me with my mentle health issues then I sould stand by him as he tries to over come his.
All on his own last week he quit the job he works at where he worked with the other woman. He then went out and bought a wedding ring to wear on his finger. All his choices. He says that this will remind him that he is taken and show other women that as well. He has also be talking more and listening more and has been b\very concerned about how I am feeling both physcially and mentally.
I don't know why I am posting other then I feel very alone right now, very stressed and very scared. I know I love him. As long as he wants to try then so do I. I know what it is like to be udge and deserted by people you trusted when they learn about your mental illness. I just don't know what else to do. I just feel lost and alone.