But "completely", i'm not so sure. I don't know if any of us can truthfully trust our WS's "completely" ever again. I believe we'd like to think we can but I don't think its possible. We need to find that place where we can be comfortable again in terms of degrees of trusting but it can no longer be a blind trust ... like virgins on a wedding night, we've lost that innocence.
The triggers will slowly become relatively pain-free. I still trigger even after almost 7 years post dday, but the triggers are only reminders now that shit happened in the past. IE; I was driving on the PA Turnpike over the weekend and went past the hotel where W and MOM met and eventually spent a couple of nights. 7 years, 6 years, 5 years ago when I would drive past it I would cringe ... the vivid thoughts of them together in there would make me vomit ... but when I drove by this weekend I didn't really think twice about it.
Godspeed on your R!!
Dr. Shirley Glass's book, "Not Just Friends" does a good job of outlining an EA and explaining the emotional impact on the betrayed spouse.
I highly recommend the two of you getting into counseling, if possible.
You should NOT have to sell yourself to him at this point. It would be a good idea to look into practicing the 180...
There are a lot more resources in the Healing Library in the yellow box to the upper left of this page. Please read through it and learn how to take care of yourself through this difficult emotional time.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
When will i ever trust?
When will i stop feeling like something is going on when there is nothing going on?
When will i let go and finally heal?
I have read the 180 and many other things from the healing library.
At the moment he is sick and keeps asking me to never leave him. I feel like im must be just a joke.
I just want this feeling to go away, to move on and maybe be happy.
My husband had an EA with a colleague that was conducted mostly on Skype and my printout of their chatlogs is hundreds of pages thick.
My husband spent a LOT of the time complaining about me. One of the hardest things for me was dealing with the sense of violation I felt, as I saw that every detail of my private home life had been shared with another person. Seeing the evidence of this worthless, immoral, self-centered woman actively encouraging my husband to trash my every action and make unfavorable comparisons between the two of us, just in order to feed her own ego devastated me at the time. I have still not come to terms with it and I am still upset, and often enraged, when I start to think about it.
Reading my husband's outpourings of love for another woman was incredibly painful. (Especially since he has never said anything of the sort to me.) I still cry sometimes, at the memory of it all.
One thing that I consoled myself with, however, was the thought that my husband spent a LOT of time talking about me! So even though he was heavily in the fog, and thought himself in love with OW, his focus was actually on his marriage and his wife. And OW was really just a channel for him to vent the misery he felt at the time and create some fantasy world that was perfect. It sounds as though your partner did something very similar.
I don't think that someone who had truly fallen for someone else would waste so much time talking about his other relationship, do you? So perhaps all your partner's complaining about you was a good sign.
My husband and I had one period of false reconciliation, but now I hope, and am almost ready to believe, that our reconciliation is for real.
As my counselor has pointed out many times, whatever he said at the time, he chose me. And, sicne her is a "former" it seems that your fWBF has done the same.
Even now, my husband is very reluctant to talk about his affair, and our marriage is by no means healed. On the bad days I still mentally go over the most hurtful things he said and wonder whether he regrets ever having married me. My husband does not want to talk about it all. From what I've read on SI and in Not 'Just Friends'
that's not good for the relationship. So if you and your partner can talk about his words and his actions, it would probably help.
One day recently, when we were talking in rather more depth than is usual for my husband, I did pluck up the courage to ask him why he had thought himself in love with OW. And he replied, apparently totally sincerely: "I was out of my mind." That gave me some comfort.
I am so sorry for your pain, AnnikinSkywalker. I hope that your partner will understand why his words have caused you so much pain, feel remorse, and work as hard as he needs to, in order to help you and your relationship heal from his betrayals. I wish you well.
[This message edited by Cally60 at 3:47 PM, September 30th (Sunday)]
Today, we're no longer together. I've begun a new relationship with someone else, who I now live with. I'm seeing some of the same telltale signs. He flirts with women online constantly. He'll tell them they're beautiful, try to get naked photos from them, and then set up dates that he never actually goes on. I knew he flirted, but I didn't know the extent until September 28, when I finally got fed up and checked his email. I found an EA spanning the entire length of our relationship. There are naked photos from her, there are videos of her masturbating. There are invitations from him for her to come up and visit (it's a long distance thing; she lives about 5 hours away) and "fuck like the Army reserves." The email inbox also contained nude photos from 5+ other women, all obtained during our relationship, which indicates to me that there was obviously some kind of relationship that occurred for him to receive those photos.
I confronted him about all this on the same day I found out, and he promised to stop, but he has not. I can't explain how I know, but I just know. I lived with a liar for 6 years; I know when I'm being lied to now. His demeanor has changed; he doesn't act like himself. I know it's continuing. I don't know what to do from this point.
I'm afraid the only answer is to leave. I can't live with this kind of stuff happening, and he can't live without seeing the genitals of other women, it seems. He's told me that it's not serious, that I'm the only one he really cares about, and that he only does this to boost his ego. He says he doesn't need to have sex with them; it's enough to know that he COULD. I feel like, if it weren't really important to him, he could just stop at any time. The fact that he doesn't gives lie to the statement.
Right now, I'm not even sure how to confront him. I'm not sure if I should even bother, or just pack and leave. If one confrontation didn't work, I don't think any will. It's probably best to just cut my losses. I know that I can't change who he is, but I also can't change what I consider cheating.
[This message edited by Uneek at 8:07 PM, March 27th (Wednesday)]
I had a bad feeling this morning when I woke up so I've been checking the cell phone bill and guess what, he's texting her again today. After having such a great weekend with him, why would he start this up again?
I'm scared to death becasue later this week he will be going on the road for his construction job and will be within an hour of her. I don't know if he will try to meet up with her or not but still. How much pain does this man think he needs to put me through!
EA are so hard, especially when you can't read the other person's mind. I'm always wondering what he's thinking, does this song remind him of her, etc.
My story and journal are public if you want to know the whole story.
Just needed to vent today......
I think I am a member of this club. WH long term long distance. EA I am working on writing up my story.
Thank you so much for this thread, I know I am not alone!