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Emotional Affairs

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Smashedat58 posted 2/2/2014 20:43 PM

My husband is having an EA and is in total denial. He thinks this just happened and that they are in love. He thinks he is a great guy. I have been here at home taking care of everything and his mother, for years while he is out traveling with his bitch. I should have had the affair. I regret the fact that I did not. My H has head so far up his ass, that he will never come out from his fog. I have filed for divorce. He isn't worthy of me. I hope the rest of you have better luck with your WS.

totalmeltdown posted 3/7/2014 03:58 AM

I've in as well, have posted on just found out. My H had/is having EA with an old school girlfriend from what I can tell it started last September. Declared its was his first love, thought she was dead etc. Gone through all the emotions, the pain ,anger, dispare & loneliness. Really don't know how to go, as he's sitting on the fence to see what he wants and will not agree to NC! I've started divorce proceedings because I'm not prepared to have three in my marriage. He doesn't think he's done wrong cos he hasn't slept with her, really! I knew they were friends and he had said how they met. I wasn't happy about it but then I trusted him, when she started texting saying her partner had hit her at 2am I started to get suspicious. I asked H why she didn't call the police, why was she texting him? Still the penny didn't drop. Then in November my DD was going to a gig and her friend couldn't go. On that day I couldn't get hold of H, he was supposed to come home after doing something, h came knowing there was a spare ticket and he thought it was alright to take OW D to gig. The shit hit the fan then as I realised

Bridie38 posted 3/19/2014 12:44 PM

I remember thinking and voicing to my H that i thought what I was suspecting was maybe an EA. explained it to him at great length and he agreed yes that's what could've happened. then i heard him on to her saying how i thought they were having EA and she must've said 'whats that?' he replied 'f***ed if I know'.
H had been ringing her daily, even when I was in bed and seeing her most weekends, taking her out and about, eating out, buying her jewellery and even confessed he might have 'put his arms around her when she was upset'.i suppose i thought it was not quite as bad having an EA as opposed to PA but I knew deep down it hurts just as much if not more. how stupid am i? they still insist only oral sex but i don't know. he said reason they didn't go further was because he felt guilty. i think if truth be known only reason it didn't go further was because they got caught!!

Tiffers posted 3/28/2014 14:27 PM

First of all let me say that an EA is just as or damaging than a purely PA. First of all your WH is giving emotional attention and support to someone other that his S. He is stealing time, attention, and love from you and giving it to someone else. He is absent from your marriage.

My WH was absent even when he was sitting in front of me and I was talking to him. He didn't hear me, but would laugh at whatever text he just got. This was getting worse as time went on. So I finally snagged his phone while he was in the shower and discovered very loving and explicit texts to OP. Needless to say, there was a HUGE blow up. Our first fight in 30 years.

To his credit, he immediate admitted everything, and over the next few months we had many, many frank discussions. He still refused to let her go and I didn't push him because I felt that he would resent me if I forced him. I requested NC, but I felt he had to make that decision on his own and for the good of our marriage. It didn't happen for another 15 months and a 2nd DD (he still kept up with her through FB and resumed talking a year after 1st DD.)

However, all said, we have come through it and have a better marriage than we ever did. I thoroughly understand why it happened, and what he was getting out of the relationship, which was mainly an ego booster (he is 76, I am 59 and OW is 40+). It has been a true struggle to this day to get through this. Just last night I had another major meltdown. He, again, reassured me, held me, assured me of his love, all the things that I needed. We are still a work in progress, but things are much, much better.

Still, would I do things differently now? YES. I would demand immediate NC and I would demand immediate counseling. I wouldn't struggle along for so long without talking to someone. I still have not told another soul about our troubles. This forum is the first time I have been able to tell anyone. I should have talked to a friend long before now. Not necessarily for advice, but to just be able to vent.

We are stronger than ever, we will make it. I encourage anyone to talk it out, be honest with each other, work through it. Reconciliation is possible and marriage can be better than it was!

Elaine311 posted 4/23/2014 21:06 PM

My wh had an ea with a woman I work with. The whole day while I was at work with her, smiling and pretending to be a friend to me, they were texting. Hundreds of texts everyday. I found out after 4 months of this. I had always said I would never get narried but this man had stolen my heart. I feel so betrayed. I trusted him. My HR manager actually brought it to my attention. It kills me again everyday that I have to walk into work and look at the hw. She knew me, knew us. I stay so angry and stressed. I feel like a child some days. I try to find little ways to make her miserable everyday. I don't know what to do.

kodiak14 posted 4/25/2014 13:28 PM

I posted in just found out but my WS is having an EA for now. I don't think it's a PA yet given the distance they are apart, two different states, 3 time zones away. My question is this, are EA's worse? Just trying to figure this out.

lifeishard24 posted 5/11/2014 06:09 AM

I have a question for those that have survived an EA. I was able to forgive my wife after her little affair, but in an attempt to conceal and come out of all this looking good, she has repeatedly thrown me under the bus for the past 2 years. Told family members it was all in my head and the mc agreed (he told her never to contact her "friend" ever again or end of marriage), told our previous mc after our sessions ended that she is the victim of domestic violence, uses our children against me, anything to take the focus off her actions and demonize me. How do you get past the second wave of victimization? I'm finding its the cover up that has wounded me more than the affair. I'm willing to do anything to save our marriage, but her actions keep telling me I'm in this fight alone.

notperfect5 posted 5/14/2014 13:54 PM

I haven't been through a PA, but I can tell you that an EA hurts beyond what I can express.

The difficult part is that the wayward spouse can always claim, "they didn't do anything wrong" or that "it wasn't an affair". In this way, they have a more difficult time becoming honest with themselves and coming clean. This prevents the BS from effectively responding, allows them to linger in denial sometimes, and keeps the WS from snapping out of the fog.

But the betrayal of trust is every bit there.

EAs are more like a blood letting, slowly draining a marriage and the BS of life.

Many thanks to the SI forum for giving me clarity of thought and validating my thoughts!

ifeellikeafool posted 5/24/2014 02:42 AM

My problem is my WH stuck up for EA partner told me it wasn't her fault so when I talked to her I was nice she told me it was all him.She lied and he protected her how can I get over that? I really feel like I'm second choice.

ifeellikeafool posted 5/24/2014 04:56 AM

And it just makes me feel like a fool. Makes me maf

ifeellikeafool posted 5/24/2014 04:59 AM

I mean it makes me mad* typo

Smashedat58 posted 5/24/2014 05:47 AM

It is my opinion that EA's are the most damaging of all. Your spouse has shared intimate parts of your life with an outsider, most of it about you. Your spouse has told EAP that they are his beloved, and best friend ever. What could hurt more? If they were having a PA, you could always tell yourself that it was just for sex, and they were just dogs, and that spouse would say anything for sex. You might, with counseling be able to forgive them. You can't forget that they "loved" this person.

ifeellikeafool posted 5/24/2014 17:33 PM

It's horrible because no matter what I feel like second choice. I feel like he chose me out of obligation but really I think he wishes life would have been different and he could have meat her first I feel like second choice when he really longs for her how can I get over this seriously I can't.

jendo posted 5/25/2014 08:44 AM

My husband had an EA with a much younger intern at his office. They didnt work directly together, but did socialize in groups for a couple of months at the office- there was lots of drinking. The bulk of the A was via Facebook messaging and Skype. She stopped working at the office halfway thru the 5 month EA. I discovered when I found a FB message from him to her professing love with a few profanities tossed in. I guess they fell in love after they no longer worked in the same office. They spoke a lot about sex but nothing physical- just one hug on her last day in the presence of others. I also found her Pinterest page which had a wgevpage of poetry dedicated to WH. Now out of the fog he claims it wAsnt love at all, but rather being in love with the escape from his issues. To complicate it a bit OW has been thru 2 major catastrophes since dday- her younger brother died unexpectedly and she was diagnosed with stage 3/4 cervical cancer. My WH has maintained nc though and do has she. I don't understand how he could drop her so fast and not look back when they were "in love"- especially when she has cancer. I also struggle with the fact that this was not a PA- how does one bet to the point of "love" with NO physical contact? My WH is doing everything right now- very remorseful and loving. I do think he has been honest to me, but I guess won't ever know for sure.

NoDoormat posted 5/25/2014 11:10 AM

I hate this so much. My WH is also in an EA with a woman a few hours away and even though he is in MC with me, he will not end it with her. It's crazymaking. I know he has tons of issues and needs to work on those in IC, which he's starting this week, I couldn't take one more day of being played the fool.

I love my H, but I hate his current behavior. I am willing to be patient with him and give him all the time I can to work through all his issues in IC, but he knows his choices are hurting me, and he continues them anyway. How could I stand still for that?! A childhood full of abuse was enough. I'm not going to allow him to abuse me too.

Is there any way at all for me to get through the fog to him, aside from the separation?

ETA: I exposed to the OW's long-distance boyfriend. This is the *third* time she's done this to him (surprise, surprise!) and they are done. How "special" does my WH feel now?!

[This message edited by NoDoormat at 12:38 AM, May 26th (Monday)]

Gumdropped posted 5/26/2014 18:42 PM

My SO 's EA 's lasted 16 months before I found out. Literally crippled me to the point of getting physically ill. He thought he had done nothing wrong because he never had sex with them. To say I was devasted by the amount of time and effort he put IN to those EA's is an understatement. I still have days where I look at him and realize just exactly what he is cable of doing. He was the perfect partner from the start yet, DDay 1 I find him still on a dating site 13 months after we were what I thought exclusive, DDay 2 finding out a month after that, that he was still on another dating site. I left for a week. We moved in together a month after that and 5 weeks later he booked a trip to another city and met up with one for dinner and drinks. That was the DDay that he went NC , but only with that one. 10 days later I caught him giving one of the others the " I'm in a relationship don't bother me " speech. He lied to them as he lied to me. And now we are in R. My heart still breaks at the thought of the little regard he gave to what he was doing to me, behind my back...........

staystrong101 posted 5/26/2014 18:58 PM

To Trenka - I'm sorry about your WH's EA. I just need to disagree with one statement you made.You said you know it's cruel but you are telling the OW's BH. It is not cruel to tell him. One of the hardest things for me was to learn that the OW #1's H had caught them in A 3.5 years earlier. He had agreed not to tell me, and they just continued. So, I lived 3.5 more years of cruel deceptions and lies before I found out. Please let her BH know, if you haven't already. He has a right to know! My XWH had a LTA (serious, PA and EA) and he has admitted (so far) to 2 others, which he says were EA only. To me, the betrayal of all the EA's is much harder than if it were just sex with a stranger. He let these women into our lives. He told them private things about our sex life, my body, our family, our children. When I would ask him to spend time with me, and ask why he was so distant, and ask him to stay home from the bars one night and spend some time with our kids - every time he would tell the OW what I said. He would tell them I was nagging again. There was nothing sacred or private left in our M. One of the EA would stalk us when we went out. He would tell her which restaurant, etc and she would just happen to show up and stare at us. I know her. She would pretend to be surprised to see us every time.It's sick and disgusting. XWH told me it was just ego boost to him.

ifeellikeafool posted 5/28/2014 12:26 PM

More than anything I am also bothered by the fact I don't know what messages said he claims he dumped her a week before I found out but how do I know if she won't admit and I have to just go on what he says I can't we bought a SIM card reader off ebay and it didn't work and the problem is he is better at technology then me so he claims that SIM card reader he bought was for the old kind of Sims well I just wish I knew more cause it really bothers me not knowing there has to be something that reads our Sims cards he claims he never loved her more than me but I can't stand living the rest of my life not knowing for sure It is so hard for me to accept he loved her or thought he did or whatever. I just hate the constant wondering of self worth and wondering if I'm second choice

hereiamca posted 5/28/2014 23:31 PM

My husband had an EA with someone in a different state. He knew her and had a "friendship" with her over 20 yrs. ago. They reconnected on Facebook. He sought her out. When I found out I was floored. He insisted that he loved me but admitted that he had also told her that he loved her. I will always wonder if it would have become a PA had I not found out when I did. It's been a year and I feel like time has stood still and I haven't healed at all.

ifeellikeafool posted 5/29/2014 13:01 PM

Yes I feel the same way and if I do have a good day it doesn't last long. The feeling always come back.

peoplepleaser posted 6/11/2014 08:24 AM

Wow, the stories here! I discovered an EA last September. We went through TT. It hurt bad because it was based on WS sharing intimate details about her frustrations with our relationship that she didn't share with me for years. That one seemed to be the AP trying to deduce my WS and WS responding just enough to get her ego fed, but keeping ASAP at a distance. For four months we struggled and I kept asking about an incident that happened two years ago. The second DDay was in January when I found out the one from two years ago was an EA where WS was actively engaging in texts about sex and spending a life with someone I thought was my best friend. When the APs BS discovered it two years ago it stopped and I was told that the AP had "out of the blue" proposed sex to my WS who put her straight. She lied about it and deceived me for two and a half hears, four months of that during false R from the more recent one. the whole time telling me she understood how damaging lying and TT was. Crying and swearing my gut was wrong and I knew everything. It's maddening.

So, after 8 years together and two known EAs, I'm struggling with feeling I know the truth. How many EAs are later revealed to be PAs, too? And if there are two in the last two years, can I assume there were more during the first six? Ugh. How do I trust when she was so good at lying? I, too am bracing myself for the reveal of a PA and more EAs.

She's doing what I've asked, after a separation following the second DDay. I follow the saying that when someone makes you an option you remove yourself from the equation. She chose to stay and work on herself and the relationship. We are in IC and MC. She's struggling with balancing her needs that we're never expressed before, the problems she had in our relationship and meeting my needs to heal in the relationship. It's difficult but progress happens, if slowly.

I have read that an EA is more damaging than a PA, but the combination of both is the most damaging. We read Not Just Friends and it was helpful. I'm such an emotional person who prizes relationships that are genuine and authentic. This changes everything, as it not only revealed betrayal with others, but deception emotionally throughout by her lack of emotional genuineness with me. It's so tough.

So...back yo my questions. How often do BSs discover that the EA turned PA? If it never really did, when does that suspicion go away? What are the odds these are the only two?

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