My WH was absent even when he was sitting in front of me and I was talking to him. He didn't hear me, but would laugh at whatever text he just got. This was getting worse as time went on. So I finally snagged his phone while he was in the shower and discovered very loving and explicit texts to OP. Needless to say, there was a HUGE blow up. Our first fight in 30 years.
To his credit, he immediate admitted everything, and over the next few months we had many, many frank discussions. He still refused to let her go and I didn't push him because I felt that he would resent me if I forced him. I requested NC, but I felt he had to make that decision on his own and for the good of our marriage. It didn't happen for another 15 months and a 2nd DD (he still kept up with her through FB and resumed talking a year after 1st DD.)
However, all said, we have come through it and have a better marriage than we ever did. I thoroughly understand why it happened, and what he was getting out of the relationship, which was mainly an ego booster (he is 76, I am 59 and OW is 40+). It has been a true struggle to this day to get through this. Just last night I had another major meltdown. He, again, reassured me, held me, assured me of his love, all the things that I needed. We are still a work in progress, but things are much, much better.
Still, would I do things differently now? YES. I would demand immediate NC and I would demand immediate counseling. I wouldn't struggle along for so long without talking to someone. I still have not told another soul about our troubles. This forum is the first time I have been able to tell anyone. I should have talked to a friend long before now. Not necessarily for advice, but to just be able to vent.
We are stronger than ever, we will make it. I encourage anyone to talk it out, be honest with each other, work through it. Reconciliation is possible and marriage can be better than it was!
Married 33 yrs
DD #1 6/1/12
DD #2 9/15/13
The difficult part is that the wayward spouse can always claim, "they didn't do anything wrong" or that "it wasn't an affair". In this way, they have a more difficult time becoming honest with themselves and coming clean. This prevents the BS from effectively responding, allows them to linger in denial sometimes, and keeps the WS from snapping out of the fog.
But the betrayal of trust is every bit there.
EAs are more like a blood letting, slowly draining a marriage and the BS of life.
Many thanks to the SI forum for giving me clarity of thought and validating my thoughts!
I love my H, but I hate his current behavior. I am willing to be patient with him and give him all the time I can to work through all his issues in IC, but he knows his choices are hurting me, and he continues them anyway. How could I stand still for that?! A childhood full of abuse was enough. I'm not going to allow him to abuse me too.
Is there any way at all for me to get through the fog to him, aside from the separation?
ETA: I exposed to the OW's long-distance boyfriend. This is the *third* time she's done this to him (surprise, surprise!) and they are done. How "special" does my WH feel now?!
[This message edited by NoDoormat at 12:38 AM, May 26th (Monday)]
Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013