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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
SI Staff
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Member # 10
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh.My.God.

The ship has a SPA. With bathrobes. AND, a GYM. And, the fitness director is David Beckham. The Captain is Johnny Depp. The Concierge is Orlando Bloom.

Tortuga here we come <seating herself in prime deckchair with glass of champagne>.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm sorry, but David Beckham is way too teeny, tiny (underwear ads notwithstanding) to be hot. I'm afraid he must be replaced by Colin Firth. And oddly, my deckchair seems to have come equipped with a basket of left over Godiva Easter eggs. This can't be right.

First of all, Lost Suol, ((hugs)). I'm thinking of you.

Second--settling back in my chair and unwrapping an egg--Lost Heart, your H is really making me

I don't know what to say other than, of course you're right about the trust issue and your H is wrong--the only way his suggestion is going to work is if you have a lobotomy. And I'm guessing that's not currently an option you're interested in pursuing (no operating theatre on the ship). Unfortunately, every single person on SI could back you up and I highly doubt it will change his mind.

To ramble on for a minute (or ten), my H's IC mentioned to him last week that it's highly unusual for someone in his position to actually do the hard work and look at themselves and change as much as my H has. When I asked why he thought he had been an exception, he said it was because he knew as soon as he saw my face on d-day that I was deadly serious about not even considering R until there had been major soul-searching. I don't know exactly where this came from, because I was lost and terrified and destroyed, but I did feel that way. It didn't save me from a second d-day (in the form of trickle truth, not continued contact), but it did get us started.

There is no question that he started all the counseling, both MC and IC, because he wanted to do what I wanted. But somewhere along the line, it changed to something he knew he had to do for himself, regardless of our outcome. And it was then that the real change started.

So my point is that I honestly believe your H will never make the changes as long as he's hiding behind the idea of doing the work he's doing in order to appease you. He should be thanking a higher power every day that he's been given another chance to make himself worthy of you.

Why do you think he isn't seeing it that way?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Breaking this up because I didn't want to make my post so long everyone glazed over.

Weepy, I think your straightforward, honest approach to your H is the right way to go. But it made me feel icky that you're thinking about taping the conversation. I completely understand the crazy-making feeling of trying to communicate with someone who twists words and conversations back onto you, but I suspect that the taping him tactic is just going make him more determined to be "right" next time. It seems like it brings you down to participating on his level.

Hmm. Where is Colin with that lychee martini I ordered?


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found printouts of emails from OW sent last April. Re-reading them made my head spin and my heart sink.

(((lostsoul)))

I am sorry you had to read them. It is so painful. Did you find new information? Something that he had not told you? We are here for you.


Brooke - we must talk to management about your service! We can't be waiting around all day for our lychee martinis!!!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok girls, I'm going to suggest something a little out there,
A few years back (like 5 to 10 years ago) I read a book called, He, She And It by Marge Piercy. Great futuristic book about a female scientist who "created" the perfect male specimen by the name of Yod. Great body, sensitive, completely in tune with a woman's needs, great looking and very intelligent and interesting to be with. I say if we want to extend this fantasy that we make sure that all of our deck boys are cyborgs of the highest caliber. I want mine to look like Jude Law. Hey Jude, how about that massage you promised?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lostsoul - I'm sorry you're hurting. I too have discovered cards with love notes but I remind myself that that was then and this is now. Ridding your computer and anything else that is contaminated of all things OW is totally cathartic. As HS said, I too hope that there have been no new revelations and that when you discuss these with your H that he is patient, informative, comforting and remorseful.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deck boys are cyborgs of the highest caliber

Do we have to have just one? If so, I want Matt Damon. But, if the captain, Johnny Depp, is not too busy, I want him first then Matt Damon.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's our fantasy - I say go for both! BTW, do you want the real deal or one cloned to look like them but with every perfect trait of a pre-programmed cyborg?
One other request and this is a must - no fucktards allowed.
ETA - When you're finished with Johnny, how about sending him my way.

[This message edited by forgivenotforget at 7:20 PM, April 14th (Monday)]


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lovinlife
♀ Member
Member # 17863
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello to all....
new digs, rose-colored shades perched upon my nose, and comfortably lounging in a deck chair, being served my drink of choice by XSOW, and I can't control myself... I am up and out of that deck chair quicker than I thought possible, and I very gently PUSH XSOW overboard!!!

Ok, now I'm totally relaxed and ready to enjoy.

I hope no one throws out a life vest!


Together more than half our lives.

I am woman, hear me ROAR!!
What you accept, you teach!

Me 53, WS 54
Reconciled for life!
DD 24, DS 27


Posts: 1159 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Missouri
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, April 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahhhhh, I *love* the cruise ship here, especially after the week I've had!!!

LostSoul, I am so, so very sorry that you are going through so much pain. Your tribal sisters (and brothers if they are lurking) are here for you.

((TRIBE)) Well, if we're voting, I'm a Johnny Depp girl myself.... where'd he go?!

Weepy, I can NOT believe that this far into R you are dealing with these type of boundary issues with your H. I do not mean to hit the two by four, but I really question if your H has benefited at all from the IC he's had thus far...?!?! Continue with your resolve and stay firm with *your* boundaries. You KNOW what you want and what you need. Don't settle for anything less.....

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
feelinginthedark
♀ Member
Member # 10933
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are the odds in a long term affair of it creatinga divorce? This affaire is probably about 8 yrs old but they seem to be meting more and geting more bold like coming to the house and takng up my weekends

Posts: 606 | Registered: Jun 2006
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aloha Everyone!

((((lostsoul))))
How did the talk with H go?

We are here for you....and it seems like we picked up some extras ala Depp and Firth!

***
Brooke,

Why do you think he isn't seeing it that way?

I dunno.
Possible reasons:
he thinks I am not ever going to leave; or he thinks that he is on borrowed time, and the M is going to end anyway; or he honestly doesnt know HOW to change his mindset.

I really dont have a clue whats going on in his mind.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, there I was in a mud wrap, lights dimmed, soft music and, darn it, I fell asleep. Some of you carried me over here, I reckon. Hope it wasnít Mr Clooney (I think I was dreaming Ė is he on board??), cos I will have ruined his jacket!! Ho hum. Well, lemme tell you, the plunge pool is FREEZING. I need some sun.

Throw him overboard.

Lostsuol. Why are you re-reading hard copy old emails? Doesnít make you feel any better, doesnít change the content. Burn them.

Last night we watched A Good Year (anyone want Russell Crowe on board?) and itís based on a novel by Peter Mayle (sp?) and I wandered off to see what we had. And there was a copy of The Crucible. Now I know FWH had that book long before I knew him, but. He was John Proctor and OW (spit) was Mary Warren. At the time FWH was going out with some nice girl that his mum liked. OW broke them up and stole him when they were doing the play. Says it all. She wanted what wasnít hers. Anyway, there was underlining and comments and such like and I got silently furious. So I ripped it up and burned it on the open fire in the lounge and sat until it was a pile of ashes. Old flames = cold ashes. Bitch. Fuckwit.

Brooke, seems your H and mine are pretty similar in the remorse and making the effort stakes. I don't think my H had any idea as to how I would react. Anything was possible in his messed up head. But I donít think he realised how deep the pain would run or how long the road to reconciliation is or that, even now, if I canít forgive then there is no long term hope.

LostH

So my point is that I honestly believe your H will never make the changes as long as he's hiding behind the idea of doing the work he's doing in order to appease you. He should be thanking a higher power every day that he's been given another chance to make himself worthy of you.

I agree with Brooke.

I really dont have a clue whats going on in his mind

Have you ASKED him what he wants?

Weepy, howíd it go? Really, I just donít understand what it is about being open he doesnít understand. Itís almost as if he WANTS to create a secret life. Maybe it makes him feel more alive if he feels he has to take risks and skulk about keeping cards close to his chest. Just musing Weepy.

FintheD. Not sure what you are saying. That the obsessing about affair is getting worse? Or that WH and OW are still in contact?

And oh look. I can see some one waving. It looks like MOW. Waving, or is she drowning? Bye, bye.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:46 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did I forget to mention that Russell Crowe is on board specifically for the purpose of a daily "Keel Haul" of all OW/OM at 3pm. We can all gather on the deck and watch with cocktails in hand!!!

Finding - I don't understand either - can you elaborate?

Weepy - check in?

UKGirl - can't wait for your H to ask "have you seen my book?" and you are "I have no idea where it might be"


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh something will come up, but maybe not for months or years. Thereíll be some argument at the dinner table and heíll go and look for it. Oh heíll find Death of a Salesman and some other books. I can see it now. Puzzle, puzzle, think. PING!! And heíll slope back to the table and say ďit was you, wasnít it?Ē And Iíll just smile! (Thatís if Iím there of course, and not run off with George Clooney )

Is that 3pm SI time? Hope there are plenty of barnacles ...

[This message edited by UKgirl at 6:59 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a great post in R from stepbuild, a WS, about building trust after years of lying and infidelity. I'm thinking of printing it and having it on hand whenever my H asks why I still have trouble with trusting him.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in... H didn't get home until after DD was already here and ensconsed in the dining room doing a project on the computer. Then they got into an argument, H was pissed about his IT guy not contacting him to set up his computer and I was sore as hell from my workout in the am and then moving almost 2 yds of mulch around the gardens myself. He knew I wasn't in the best mood, but blamed it on my quitting smoking crabbiness.

So we didn't talk.

I woke up at 3 AM after a dream I can't remember. Went downstairs after about a half hour of tossing and turning and wondered aloud... what does one do when you can't sleep and can't smoke? So I wrote H a note saying

"It's 3 AM, something on my mind, can we find private time to talk tomorrow."

I thought he would be leaving for work before I got up again today. We went downstairs together and he spied the note and did the eye roll thing "Oh, we're writing notes again?" So I took it and said "it just says I couldn't sleep, have something on my mind and want to discuss it with you alone."

His response: "Try and take a nap today."

UK, I think you've hit on part of it. He's so used to keeping secrets that he probably feels naked without them, exposed, vulnerable. Not something he likes very much.

I am going to take the direct approach and just say

"I know you talked to D on Sunday. Two questions... why did you make the call from your cell in the car? and why haven't you mentioned you talked to her?"

If he asks how I know he talked to her, I'll say that I saw her H's name on the paper he wrote the phone number on... he didn't have it when he got off the phone with her sister, how a WAWA run only takes 10 minutes and he was gone a half hour and how only the Made Calls on his cell were deleted when I checked it that night.

That's all I can do. Until he's done raving, then I have to ask "Do you think having secret phone conversations with people of the opposite sex is a smart move considering you tell me you want me to trust you in all things. This is just one more example of why I can't." and "Did you talk about anything that couldn't have been said in my presence? (If no) Then why didn't you?"

What I want to say is "you don't think there's anything wrong with having a secret relationship as long as you aren't fucking her?"

IF my MC ever calls me back, I'm making an appt for Friday.

Now, feeling, what's up? You don't have any proof yet? From your profile, it looks like you might need to scrape together money for a PI if his schedule is that funky. I know if I had even suspected H had a regular GF I would have had to do the same because he worked on his own schedule too. I would have begged borrowed the money from somewhere.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always wanted to take a cruise.


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 15th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So MC calls me and seems to think that H will never understand what he did was harmful. To him it was just a phone call. That he hid it and covered up for it didn't seem to faze her at all. She was more concerned that I snoooped!

I guess the answer is that I can't be married to a man who keeps secret friendships with other women. Gee, guess I"m old fashioned that way.

How far and how fast can this cruise ship get me?

[This message edited by weepy at 10:39 AM, April 15th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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