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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you strip off the veneer of whatever issues there may be, it is the stone cold, brutal truth. They were selfish and didn't give a shit about how the consequences of their actions would affect others, including their children.

Steeler, might I add egotistical to selfish!! My H, for the first years he says, really thought he could enjoy this, and extract himself without hurting her (!) and without me finding out--such arrogance to think they're in so much control. After two unsuccessful breakups (he couldn't stay away, couldn't stand how needy she was, blah, blah), he says he sort of resigned himself to the fact that the more time went on, the more likely it was I'd find out. And he was selfish enough and scared enough to just drift along, hoping our move would help him extract himself when he couldn't do it himself.

That's really something that astonishes and hurts me still--I really don't know parts of him, and finding out about those parts is both disillusioning and hard to live with.


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick check in to let you know that H wanted to "make love" to me and it just made me want to cry. So I put on my Big Girl Pants, summoned the spirit of Brooke and said "can we just have sex". Worked just fine - he didn't seem to mind one bit!

I don't know how long it will be until I will want to make love to him but I am willing to use his ass in the interim.

Lost - need some book titles!

Inner Dorkiness - graduated first in my class from business school. I am a class A grade bookworm.

Better Dorkiness Story - in researching the HOs, I found out that LTA #2 favorite "artist" is Celine Dion! (hope I didn't just insult anyone). Any time I want to see H cringe, I just bring that up. He cannot STAND Celine Dion and is embarrased that he fucked someone who does!


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"can we just have sex". Worked just fine -

Good for you, Shirley!!!

No book titles, I am afraid (am very curious kids). Just lots of time spent surfing the net.Google holds some wonders!

Celine Dion...am I the only one who cringes with that Titanic song?? My mum and sisters loved the movie and the song, but I just cant stand it.

So what music do you listen to, Shirley?

I just spent the better part of an hour downloading/listening to music from the late 80's. I should be cleaning or something....

G'nite!


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, had a long IC session today and need to throw this out for discussion.

I can't let go of the past and essentially "wipe the slate clean and start over". IC feels I need to learn to "put the slate aside and move forward".

I know a part of me wants to keep the pain out for him to see, feel, and remember. I think I feel that if he sees what he has done, he will think twice the next time he wants to contact her. IC says nobody can continue to live this way. Not me and not him.

Does anyone ever feel like they are sabotoging their own R? I want to let the anger go and have fun again, but I am scared to show happiness and not the anger/hurt that he caused.

This probably make no sense because I haven't spent enough time tossing this around in my head. But would love some input.

Is anyone else holding onto the anger and pain as a way to punish WS for their actions?


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LostH but it just won't happen. It's a quite unique business and there's still a few yrs til retirement. Leaves us "stuck between a rock and a hard place". In the meantime I know that I need to learn acceptance (LTA wisdom).

Lostsuol--I really feel for you, because this would suck. It's just like keeping a wound open.
Is it possible for him to do something else? After all... it's just a job. Real life is at home with you.

At this stage another job is unlikely. He's in management and financially we can't afford for him to leave now... pension benefits, health insurance, etc. We have re-financed mortgage payments - I haven't worked for several years for health reasons... not severe enough for disability pension but keeps me from holding a full-time job.

D**n the long-reaching fingers of the LTA!!! Lately I just want off the roller coaster. I'm not the person I expected to be at this stage of my life. He's not the husband I married. I never for a moment imagined 'for worse' meant infidelity... my situation seems inconsequential compared to other stories here but the devastation is just as real.

God bless us all {{{LTA}}} as the weekend approaches.


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's really something that astonishes and hurts me still--I really don't know parts of him, and finding out about those parts is both disillusioning and hard to live with.

25wimsey This describes my current mindset exactly! We are in the 'great minds' mode.
My H just last night said he thought his EA was "harmless fun"... how it carried on for more than 3 yrs... what he got from the relationship... then later told me that he would have ended it. This despite me finding out on my own, confronting him and getting the "who me? I wouldn't do that" look. But I should believe in his love for me and trust him now. He had no answer when I asked him why he expected this from me after what I've experienced over the last 5 yrs. I just don't know how to handle this... I'm back at square one... maybe further - fetal position this morning.

Someone throw me a life preserver. Good thing this is a virtual ship...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tribe, in the light of Fnf's country music passion, lets reveal our inner dorkiness.

So, LH, I am to assume from this that I am leading the "dork patrol?"
Now do I have to reveal more dorkiness or can I just lead this troup with my country music blaring?


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone ever feel like they are sabotoging their own R? I want to let the anger go and have fun again, but I am scared to show happiness and not the anger/hurt that he caused.

HBH - I think for me this served as a means of keeping a protective wall around myself, most especially with my anger. It wasn't so much that I was afraid to be happy but it seemed that each time I began to feel more like my old self, my H would let his guard down and go back to his old, unacceptable ways and I found the more that I kept up a barrier the more I could keep my H from getting too comfortable. If I kept him at arm's length he tried harder. If I let him think everything was almost back to normal, his old critical, mean-spirited self seemed to return. I don't know if that's what's happening with you. This may just be my experience.
So I put on my Big Girl Pants, summoned the spirit of Brooke and said "can we just have sex".

HS - Are you sure you meant to say "put on my big girl pants?" All kidding aside, I'm so happy for you. The few first times are so confusing because we have needs but we also have to struggle with the emotions of all of it. It gets easier with time. I am a firm believer that R really won't be successful unless we can overcome this major hurdle but that's just my humble opinion.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hurtbuthappy
♀ Member
Member # 14539
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH - I think for me this served as a means of keeping a protective wall around myself, most especially with my anger. It wasn't so much that I was afraid to be happy but it seemed that each time I began to feel more like my old self, my H would let his guard down and go back to his old, unacceptable ways and I found the more that I kept up a barrier the more I could keep my H from getting too comfortable. If I kept him at arm's length he tried harder. If I let him think everything was almost back to normal, his old critical, mean-spirited self seemed to return. I don't know if that's what's happening with you. This may just be my experience.

FNF - EXACTLY!!!! You put this so well and it is word for word what I feel. When I start to get comfortable I get shit on. Told IC I know I am keeping my anger as a shield.

So how and how long before you got out of this cycle? You seem to be in a good place, and I don't know how to get there. Please don't tell me takes time. I am so sick of all the time I have wasted on him already. I want me back!! I want to be excited about life again and to stop thinking only of WS/OW, A, M, and R. I want all of this to be a part of my life, but not my life.


M-25 years
2 kids

Posts: 131 | Registered: May 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH - Unfortunately it takes a while. Sorry, don't be upset but I am 2 plus years out and we still have problems in this area and that is after many months of IC'ing for him and me and MC'in for us. The problem is, IMHO, these men have spent years (mine spent 8 years) behaving and becoming who we have discovered them to now be. I do not think there is an easy solution or answer but if I listen to BT and others who are seeing great changes in their H's I am certain that the more our H's are willing to work on changing themselves and acknowledge their need to change then the greater the likelihood that the change will be permanent.
My H has gotten better but that part of him that I was talking about still rears it's ugly head every once in a while. The difference is that now I can get him to back down and see how ineffective and harmful this is and this is something I was not able to do earlier.
I know this may not be the answer you were hoping for but it is my experience. The reason I have been able to remain hopeful is because I can see changes in him and also because the negative traits that have been such a problem in the past do seem to be less of a problem and I can experience weeks and months of peace and relative happiness.
(((HBB))) - keep looking for positive change and make sure your H understands when he slips that his behavior will not be tolerated. This is my best advice to you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
lostsuol
♀ Member
Member # 13706
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cuz so many of us need hugs...


Posts: 808 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Canada
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH,
Please don't tell me takes time. I am so sick of all the time I have wasted on him already. I want me back!!

Hon, I know none of us wants to here the old "time heals" stuff. But really and truly the thing is that this grief cycle that we go through really just can't be rushed. Anytime I tried to shortcut it it came back in large proportions. But what I did want to chime in and say is that the mepart of healing, the focusing on myself and getting myself back together, was the firstto come back. I started experiencing joy in other areas of my life and rediscovering who I was long, long before I

ever
started to trust my H or reinvest in my M. I focused on me, the me I had to live with whether I stayed with my H or not. And this I think was key for me. I just couldn't focus on "improving the M" until I had picked up the peices of myself first. Make senses? So, I just wanted to pop back in for those of you that are not as far down this path to let you know that yes, it does indeed take a long time to rebuild the M. But you know what? I gave myself as many years as he had the A. I figured if I wasn't feeling much better, if not fully reconciled, by then that I would throw in the towel. Well, we are just about 3/4 of the way through the length of his A and I can't say I am fully reconciled, but I certainly am well on my way.

FNF, you are spot on, friend, in your view. I see so much hope ahead for the two of us, and yes I think being similarly situated has much to do with us being "2005" alumni of the dday club ...I'm proud to have you in my class, despite us never wanting to have been here

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LS,

At this stage another job is unlikely. He's in management and financially we can't afford for him to leave now... pension benefits, health insurance, et

So if I understand your H works with the FOW and travels for business? Hmmmm, that sounds familiar. Same scenario here, except one of my conditions of R with my H was that he transition out of that job and find one where he didn't travel. Granted, my H was younger and not close to retirement. But if you can live with the situation, you are much stronger than I was. How do you cope? How do you enforce your boundaries of the R and NC? What is your H doing to help there with reassuring you? I think the answers to these questions could help you to work through this, but really I feel for you. And don't give up hope. Maybe there would be something else out there OR maybe you could drive out the OW

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everyone. I have been really time constrained and haven't had time to catch up with everyone yet... I will, I promise.

Thanks for the hug lostsuol, I think we should start and end our day here with one.

Not strong today and coming here was probably not a good idea. The first thread I read had me in tears. Woke this morning and the first thought was of what he talked to his old GF about. Thing is, I can't and wont' ask. He spent years with his OW and remembers exactly 3 sentences he said to her. (yeah, right) and this won't be any different.

He's out tonight and I'm glad. I reall think I want out, but don't know how to get there...


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC feels I need to learn to "put the slate aside and move forward".

((((HBH))))

Ok, that statement just made me really cross.

You recently found out that H had contact with OW (Feb 08?)...bloody hell! How on earth are you supposed to move forward when he "sabatoges" R like that?

Whatever healing and recovery you had done in the previous months, were severely damaged, IMHO, by that very act!

Having said that HBH, I am going to concur witht the others. You are only a year out.It was at this stage that I was able to realise that there were fragments of me and all of our lives lying tattered all around us. And that I would have to start (very slowly)picking them up, and putting our lives back together again. And that I just couldnt do that alone.No matter how I tried, it needed BOTH of us to do it. However, it was some time before H came on board with that, and it made a huge difference.

Having said that, I am going to go with what Fnf and HB said about focusing on ourselves. For us, MC could only take us to a certain part, and then we stopped as we just werent moving forward. On the advice on our Sisters here, I began IC and started focusing on ME. He also began IC (but that was a waste as his IC was an asshat....his new IC made made huge inroads with him).

And you can see from my posts here, what progress (slow but nonetheless )I have made through IC. I am so far removed from the person I was last year this time. But bear in mind too, that for me, it will be 2 years for dday1 in June.

Hope that helps HBH.
Dont minimise what happ with broken NC recently, but try to work through it, and accept (or more like your IC should accept) that you are were you need to be. And id you have intense anger and resentment for H, that is something that needs to be addressed properly.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, LH, I am to assume from this that I am leading the "dork patrol?"
Now do I have to reveal more dorkiness or can I just lead this troup with my country music blaring?

OMG, Fnf, you mean theres more!!!

Go on then...

***

((((Weepy))))

reall think I want out, but don't know how to get there...

I would think that the first thing would be is to accept that the M isnt working for you.You seem to go through this phase (wanting out) every now and then, and then you back down. Whats holding you back, Weepy? (And please dont take this as me pushing you to end the M)
You know you have abandonment issues, so maybe its something you can address in IC to help prepare you.

You know you have us every step of the way, right?

(((((Weepy))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, Fnf, you mean theres more!!!

Oh, there's more LH!
And only because you revealed your pigtail tale, I'll give you another one.
When I was about 8, I loved to march so I'd put a marching tune on our stereo, pick up two of my longest Lincoln Logs (you may be too young to remember these), and proceed to march and sing around my dining room table banging my logs to the tune. Beat that dorkiness LH! Now I hope you're satisfied because that's all you're getting.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not strong today and coming here was probably not a good idea. The first thread I read had me in tears.

Hey Weepy, I've been worried about you. I wasn't sure if you were taking a needed break or if things were not going well. You know you can contact me, call or PM anytime.
I'm not sure how I can help, but even if it's just to sit and listen or to post back and forth, I'm here for you.
Please reach out if you need us. We really and truly care about you.
(((Weepy)))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
hearbroken
Member
Member # 8317
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Just also extending an offer of support. I have *known* you quite some time now via SI, and I know that things have improved both for you personally and in your M. But I think that if you can figure out what your bottomline is in your expectations of your H and decide in your heart of hearts whether he can meet them, you will find your answers. And the strength to move forward alone if that is what you choose. You are a great person with so much going for you. BT made some statements earlier on in this thread about not wanting to live the next 40 years in the state she had been.... for me, it was the same. I knew things couldn't go on unless there were big changes. I feel my H is making those hard changes, but I also have reluctantly grown to accept that certain things about him are not going to change. And I'm Ok with that. But it's different for each person and everyone's "line in the sand" is different.

Hugs to you as you are struggling. The Tribe is here for you....

HB


Dday1 8/05 (LTA)
Dday2 4/09 (online EA 2 weeks then confessed)
Dday 3 8/10 ("full disclosure" of more infidelity prior to 2009)

Posts: 869 | Registered: Sep 2005
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beat that dorkiness LH!

Thats not dorky, Fnf.Thats cute! I dont know what those Lincoln thingiemajigs are, but...cute nonetheless.

But you are a real Sweetheart, you know that Fnf? You are just so .... nice. Thank you.

***

HAd a bit of a buster with my mum today.
Maybe I am too hard on her, but I just get so arrrghhh frustrated with her.

Maybe some of you in her age group can help me out on this (she's 54).

First off, re my dad. He has cheated on her their whole M. Heck, she was the OW and she didnt even know it until they M'ed.He has treated her very very badly from day 2 and had NEVER let up..even when she was almost comatose in hospital (after chemo and surgery). We dont know why she still puts up with it. She complains to us about him, and its the same story I have heard since I was a kid...and she never leaves him. HE puts on a Goody act for a few days, and then she's ok again..until he reverts to being a normal shit head.Why does she put up with it..even now? She cant even have us or her grandkids over as much as she likes, cos he doesnt like it.

Then her life. She almost lost her life a year ago. In fact, the doctors told us that she is living on borrowed time. And instead of enjoying whats left of her life, she goes back to the same hectic life she had before. And worse, she has taken on more post grad studies, which is clearly wearing her out. Part of the reason we think she even got the cancer in the first place, was because she neglected herself so much. And she is doing it again! No lesson learned! But she uses this as a guilt card with us to get us to do what she wants.

Like today.One of our relatives is coming over for supper on Tuesday night, which is very inconvenient for all of us, as we have school/work the next day. First, she pushes my sister to invite them to stay at her place, which sister didnt want as her life is so hectic too. Then, when I tell mum that we wont be staying too late as we have school/work next day, and I am still struggling to get into a routine with the kids (mornings are a nightmare), she gets upset.And pulls the guilt card and tears. Another reason we dont want to stay late, is because I have been stressing about this visit. This woman used to a one of H's crushes. In fact, I remember when he and I were just friends, he got me to make breaks for them to slip away. He used to talk to me about her then(nothing happ with her but he used to have regrets about that). So obviously I am anxious about them meeting up again. I even dreamed about them together last night.
So H and I spoke today and we decided that it would be best for us, if we kept our time there to a min.

My mum knows that I have some anxiety about this. The other week, she even told me that I shouldnt even think of H doing anything dodgy, as "he is not that type of man"...I was !!!
I asked her if she has forgotten everything that she knows he has done??

I know this is not LTA related, I just needed to get this out. I am so stressed with everything else thats going on, and this visit and my mum is just too much.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
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