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User Topic: Long Term Affairs XI
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just thought I'd say hello.

My world has been upside down for the last 2 weeks. Have not had even one chance to check in on SI.

First H quite his law enforcement job that he has been working for about 15 years now. Took a job 4 hours away from home, but it is a very positive step towards a new and better life for us.
The first day he was to start his new job he ended up in the ER unable to breath. We spent the last 10 days in the hospital. He has now been diagnosed with COPD. But they have him breathing much better. For a while it looked like we would be coming home with him on oxygen 24/7. Thank God that did not happen. Some breathing medicine, no more smoking and he should be able to live a normal and long lasting life. And he has not wanted a cigarette since this all began.

I've spent the last 10 days trying to be in 2 places at once. Remember I have a 6 year old and a 15 year old at home. H was in the hospital 4 hours away from home. But last Monday we did get him moved to a hospital that was only about an hour away from home. Mom and our oldest DD helped to keep my home running and my kids going. Thanks to them. Boy what a time we've had the last 2 weeks.

But hooray for me. I finally tackled Houston traffic all by myself. I had to get from my home to my H and I had to pass through Houston. Our little town has only one red light in it. That's our biggest traffic spot. I got good directions and set out and I made it. And then made it back through coming back home. I always knew that some day I would have to do that, finally got that out of the way. May not sound like much to you that live in the city, but for someone like me, it was a real biggy.

Hate that H has been so sick, but at least I didn't have to think about LTA, I was too busy worrying about him being sick, and not really having a job per say at that moment. But he is supposed to leave again Tues to go back and try it again.

This has made me take a step back and try and look at how things have been for the last couple of years.

I have acted in a way that I am very ashamed of. When I was trying to get to my H, and was afraid that he may not live..... I was so very ashamed of so many of the things that I have said to him since Dday. Not that I could hardly help it. But I have always known that his LTA did not give me the right to mistreat him. And that is what I have been doing. And it has got to come to a stop.
O.K. not going to dwell on that. Just want ya'll to think about it if you are doing the same. It could all come to and end in a hearbeat, and then you would have to live with your actions. I thought that I was going to have to, and I didn't like it.

That's about all the time I have right now. And starting tomorrow I've got almost 2 weeks of work to catch up on. But if you know in your heart that you have been treating your H ( or W ) in a way that you are ashamed of b/c of their LTA, PM me b/c I'm not going to have time to keep up with all the post on LTA until things get settled back down.

Hope everyone is doing good. Sorry I don't have time to catch up. And if you find this post choppy and skipping around, then you know how my thoughts are after the last 2 weeks.

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((FSA))) That must have been so scary for you. And how proud you must be that you drove all that way with no problems!!! Good for you!!!

Because of my surgery, we have not talked abotu the A much at all. But now it is suddenly hitting me again. jus out of no where. Well, I read a past journal of mine. i read the words I wrote myself and felt thepain I felt then. The loneliness, the sdness. I even wrote about how I thought he was cheating but didn't really want to know, just wanted to move on. I truly believe if I had confronted him then that we woudl be divorced. I think he would have been in a big fog and gone off with her. maybe not though.

It was just really hard to relive those emotions. I haven't talked to wh about it yet. I need to be comforted but I just haven't asked for it. He woudl give it to me in a heartbeat. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think b/c we haven't talked abut it for 3 weeks that I am leery to bring it all up agina. But it's there, regardless of if we tak about it or not.

Our 10th wedding anniversary is in September. I want to try adn save up for new ring settings and anew wedding band for each of u. Maybe have the priest bless them for us or even renew our vows. But I feel a little funny being the on to say it. I wsh it could be his idea. But I don't think it will. he woudl probably ratehr spend the money on a wii. lol


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe some of you in her age group can help me out on this (she's 54).

LH - I am 55 (geez old enough to be your mom
) but I have to say that I believe it is more about one's personality and history than age. However, I have several thoughts, as to why she might be tolerating your father's treatment of her.
I remember one of my IC sessions when I was trying to decide what to do. I was listing the reasons why I would want to stay and try to work on my M. One of them was that I am 55 and the chances of me finding someone without his own baggage was brought up. I mean, let's face it - as the saying goes, we already know the devil we are living with and who knows what kind of person we might end up with if we leave. That's why I told my IC that if I leave I need to make sure I am ready to be alone. I don't want another fucktard - one is quite enough! Possibly your mother doesn't want to be alone and as we get older we are going to have less opportunity to find love IMHO anyway. That sounds so depressing but I honestly believe that. The 55 year olds are looking for the 30 year olds and we'd be lucky to find someone under 70. Then not only might that person be another bastard but we'd have to deal with his health problems as well. Maybe being alone for your mom is worse than tolerating your father's moods. In addition, she has suffered a terrible illness and this saps the strength and energy from her that she needs to stand up to your dad. I would think when you're fighting for your life, you have little left to help you in other areas.
I would also think that by taking post grad classes your mother is doing something for herself and that this might be a means of escape from those things that she finds intolerable. That your father treats her badly under these circumstances is unbelievable. Would you and your siblings ever think of sitting him down and letting him know just what you think of his behavior? This would infuriate me if I had to witness this.
Of course, it does sound from your post that your mother has always used the guilt card (is this true?) I cannot address this one except to say that my mother does this too and I hate it. It accomplishes their goal but leaves those of us who give in feeling frustrated and angry. I don't understand this tactic. I don't want people doing things for me out of guilt. I want them to do them out of love. I don't undertand this personality trait at all.
As to the visiting relative, now I'd have a problem with that. If there was something inappropriate about their relationship, even though you say there was no PA, just being in her company is probably going to cause you to trigger somewhat - it sounds like it may already be starting. This is not good.
This will sound harsh but to me just because your mother feels some obligation to entertain this woman you should not give in to her pressure if you feel it is going to set you back in your recovery.
One thing I have changed about myself since d-day is that I will not do those things people expect of me if for some reason I cannot or don't want to do them. To me this is part of the "take care of yourself" philosophy. Many of us here have spent our lives putting everyone else first and it is so difficult to change this pattern. But IMO it is absolutely necessary to change. It has been the one gift that has come from this LTA nightmare.
I am definitely taking better care of me.
What I have found is that people tend to use those of us who can't seem to do enough for others. They take us for granted and when we finally start taking care of ourselves they try every tactic to bring us back under their control.
You are in a difficult position as I see it because of your mother's illness. You certainly don't want to feel guilty or regret denying her anything while she is still with you. I wish I had some advice to offer here. It just concerns me that this particular situation may be too much for you and you need to protect yourself from situations like these during your recovery.
((LH))


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA - so good to hear from you. I'm sorry to hear your H is going through such a rough time but it sounds as if it has helped you to see the love that you still feel for him. Sometimes we are so filled with anger and pain that we forget how much we still love our H's. Thank you for posting this. I will try to remember this next time I am tempted to lash out at my H.
UKgirl - just checking in to see how you're feeling. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. I hope you were able to resolve some things with your H over the weekend.
Weepy - how are you this morning? Hopefully your H was able to sense your disillusionment and was willing to open up and discuss this with you.
SoLost - it is amazing when we go back and read past posts and although it does make you relive those emotions and pain it also helps us to see how far we've come in our recovery. I hope this has been true for you. It sounds as if your H is being very supportive and tender with you as you try to recover from your surgery. That has to be so reassuring.
As to the renewal of your vows, I am in the same place as you. Several times I have mentioned this but my H never seems to "hear" me. I don't know if he thinks it's a silly idea or if he doesn't feel the need for this. I really want to be sure though of where we are in our relationship before I would take this step so I will wait before bringing this up again. Something this important has to come from them since they were the ones who broke their vows, IMHO.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made it. And then made it back through coming back home. I always knew that some day I would have to do that, finally got that out of the way. May not sound like much to you that live in the city, but for someone like me, it was a real biggy.

I still won't drive through Philly, so you're a better woman than me!

I had to take DS back to school alone last weekend. I've never done that drive alone and I've never done it without a cigarette either. Accomplished both. It's a good feeling, huh?

FSA, I'm poppin in here just because I saw your name on the board. I'm sorry to hear you're in such turmoil.

But you know what, take a step back is fine, but you make not like what you've done, said to your H after his revelations, but the fact that you care how it was received shows terrific remorse. But don't beat yourself up over it, please.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fnf, thank you for responding.Sometimes I think between my FOO and this LTA crap, I am so so destined to fail...like the odds are just stacked against me, KWIM? But never you mind, I will keep on fighting.

And re the visit tomorrow.I think I may have given the wrong impression....it was a high school summer crush until she returned to her own country (Canada). Still it just annoys me what he might be thinking tomorrow night when he sees her. One of the things that I have learnt for definite after dday, is that I DO NOT know what H is thinking.He is a master at hiding.

So wish me peace for tomorrow night.
And yes, I know I should not pander to my mum, but she is still my mum...
And I try very hard not to disappoint her.

***

I haven't talked to wh about it yet. I need to be comforted but I just haven't asked for it. He woudl give it to me in a heartbeat. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think b/c we haven't talked abut it for 3 weeks that I am leery to bring it all up agina

SoLost, I think its quite natural to NOT want to rock the boat when things have been going so well.and its ok to push the LTA to one side whilst you are dealing with other stuff. Thats one way of seeing how far you have come. Bet you wouldnt have thought that possible after dday, huh?

However, I do think you should share some of your sadness with H. I am sure he will sense it in some way, anyway, and would wonder what he did wrong. Reassure him that he is doing everything right (if he is )but share with him your feelings, without trying to blame him. Make sense? I know I am guilty of this, and it serves noone. I end up resentful as H withdraws as he is being attacked.

And I am happy for you that H has been pulling through. Well done Mr Solost!

****
((((FSA)))
My Friend!
Wow, you seemed to have broken so many barriers! I am just so proud of you. There is a sense of strength and resilience and purpose that shines from your post. I am sorry that H's health hasnt been good, but it looks like some good came out from it, in that it helped move you onward from that place where you were stuck in.

However,FSA, dont beat yourself up please. None of us like the person that is released in the aftermath of dday. Many of us dont even recognise ourselves. We didnt ask to be put in this position, and we sure as heck didnt deserve to be mistreated like that.

However,like you said, we cant use the A as justification for holding onto bad behaviour. At some point, we have to make peace with ourselves, and reclaim ourselves for our own sanity.And part of that means, as BT has said once, behaving in a way that doesnt shame us. So looks like you have turned that corner. Yay! (I am working on that ).

And FSA, we missed you. It really hasnt been the same without you.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((FSA)))

I wish we had known what you were going through so we could have sent you cyber-hugs. You are amazing to have handled all of that - you know that right?

And, to make it through Houston is NO SMALL FEAT. I used to live there and the traffic is absolutely impossible. Good job overcoming another hurdle.

I have acted in a way that I am very ashamed of. When I was trying to get to my H, and was afraid that he may not live..... I was so very ashamed of so many of the things that I have said to him since Dday. Not that I could hardly help it. But I have always known that his LTA did not give me the right to mistreat him.

Please don't be too hard on yourself about this. I think it is wonderful that this crisis has brought back the strong feelings of love for your H. However, the things that you said or did in the raw days after finding out the truth were a means to protect yourself. It is also a way to make sure they know just how horribly hurt you are. If a stranger did something that horrible to you, you would feel no remorse in lashing out.

I think it is wonderful that you have found a springboard to move forward. We missed you.

So Lost -

I need to be comforted but I just haven't asked for it. He woudl give it to me in a heartbeat.

I bet he knows something is wrong and may be afraid to *ask* given how well things are going. Please open up to him. He has been doing so well with you, helping you and everything. Why don't you give him a chance to show you how much he cares?

FNF - your post to Lost Heart on age and its factors in R rang so true to me. I am not yet 50 but have spent a lot of time thinking about being alone, etc. I came to the exact same conclusion. I needed to get to where I could really see myself without anyone else before I could even consider going forward with H. Age is a factor in this. Aren't we lucky?

One thing I have changed about myself since d-day is that I will not do those things people expect of me if for some reason I cannot or don't want to do them. To me this is part of the "take care of yourself" philosophy.

I am all over this as well. I used to be the "good girl" who would do what was expected of me. Fuck that big time! I am having a grand ol' time thinking about myself for a change. It doesn't mean that I don't or won't do something/sacrifice for others. I just don't do it ALLLLLLLL the time.

UKGirl - you okay?


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
So Lost
♀ Member
Member # 16801
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As to the renewal of your vows, I am in the same place as you. Several times I have mentioned this but my H never seems to "hear" me. I don't know if he thinks it's a silly idea or if he doesn't feel the need for this. I really want to be sure though of where we are in our relationship before I would take this step so I will wait before bringing this up again. Something this important has to come from them since they were the ones who broke their vows, IMHO.

Exctly!!!

Thanks for all the spport. I am going to try to find an opening to talk to him tonight. We've been having a good day today adn I wasn't feeling as sad, so I just chose not to deal with it. Maybe tonight. I want him to know about those netries in my journal and how it made me feel. How he made e feel.


Me: BS
Wh: WS
Dday 10/28/07
LTA with coworker
Attempting Reconciliation
he is remorseful, I am willing, we'll see what happens

Posts: 671 | Registered: Oct 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FSA,

My God, what a time you've had. I'm glad everything is looking up now.

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You received some of the worst, most traumatic news that a person could ever get. And you reacted the way most traumatized people react. Cut yourself a break, OK? If he deserves one, you certainly do.

BT


D-day 7/29/04.

Posts: 5711 | Registered: Oct 2003
Feeling so alone
♀ Member
Member # 14492
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support ladies. And I honestly am not being hard on myself. I accept that what I did was a normal reaction, but it is time for it to come to an end.
However, the things that you said or did in the raw days after finding out the truth were a means to protect yourself.
Try the day before he left. I said some very horrible things to him. But in my defense, we were cleaning out some old junk and found a picture of ow #1. Boy I was pissed pissed pissed.

But again, it was very scary for me to think of him dying and me living with the things I had just said only days before. I don't want that. And he has taken this new job for me, to try and make my life easier.

O.K. enough said about that b/c I don't want it to look like I am defending myself.

Again, thanks for the support.

Better go, H has decided to wait and leave on Wed. so we have tonight and tomorrow night together. I just might get lucky...........

FSA


Together we're working through an LTA

If a man says something in the woods and there's not a woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?


Posts: 1357 | Registered: May 2007
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning all.

SoLost, I hope the chat went well.

***
It occurred to me last night that I need to post more good stuff about us (H &me).

Something is different in him. There seems to be a change in the dynamics between us in the last month or so. Yes, we still argue and hurt, but not with the same "passion" as we did before. We bounce back way quicker. And although "bad H" makes an appearance now and then, it seems like "good H" is mostly around. It seems like he wants to be good H and more than that, he acts on it.
And that has made a HUGE difference in how I react to him.

Its almost like we are both ready to move on.

Have a good day everyone.

((((LTATRIBE))))


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LH - I am so happy for you and your H. For some reason your post made me think of an analogy. It's like the aftermath of a LTA is a labyrinth and we, both BS and FWS's, enter this confusing, frightening place with twists and turns and struggle through until we finally begin to see our way through. Sometimes we get separated from our S's in the struggle and then there are the times where we come together and make progress that brings us out to the other side.
When I was in London over the holidays we visited Leeds Castle where there was a labyrinth and my son, H, and DD went inside while I waited for them outside. I remember my H couldn't find his way out and so I stood on top of this perch and peered into the labyrinth and helped him find his way out. I feel like I do that often in our struggle to survive. It sounds like you are both on the right path and I couldn't be happier for you.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
forgivenotforget
♀ Member
Member # 11053
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wanted to share a quote I read in a book entitled "Peony in Love" by Lisa See. The second I came across this I thought of all of you.

"Isn't that a great good fortune? So many women hope to find a community - a sisterhood - of others like themselves. How lucky for [us] that [we] have found that in [our] writing."

I can't tell you how many times I wonder if I ever would have survived this LTA if I hadn't known and been given the support of all of you. Thank you and thank the heavens above for bringing us together.


D-day - 12/23/05 LTA - 8 years.
"Love's a matter of trust and I just want to believe in us." M McBride

Posts: 1901 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: A tunnel where I'm beginning to see the light
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are both on the right path and I couldn't be happier for you.

Thank you and thank the heavens above for bringing us together.

Thank you too, Fnf. (happy)

***
Getting ready to go for "the dinner". I am ok. H and I have been talking about it, and I am feeling ok with this. Just talking helped you know...instead of the usual avoiding which leads to anger and then a meltdown.I feel like we are doing this together...and it feels good.

***
Something I would like appreciate the Tribes' views on.

Firstly,both our ICs have pointed out that I am too black and white, and especially with my relationship with H now. To clarify, he is either a saint or a sinner with me (good H and bad H )and I am either extolling his virtues and loving him intensely or spewing his faults and hating him.

Both said that not only is this an obstacle in our R, but in our separate healing as well. In fact, H and his IC said that this is hindering his healing and growth, and it might be in his best interests not to be exposed to this, that he would be better off without me (like this).

Once I got over the kneejerk anger, I have been dwelling on this. And I dont really know how to overcome this.

How do I marry the both? Or rather as his IC wold prefer, see him as neither, but a man who has both sides.

And secondly,
For the record, my IC said too that I would go much further in my healing without him (due to his past and present treatment of me).

So both our ICs dont really see this M recovering after the LTAs and the past 1.5 years. Has anyone's IC told them this?

TIA.
***

Ukgirl, please let us know you are ok. I am worried about you. Lean on us.Please.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you how many times I wonder if I ever would have survived this LTA if I hadn't known and been given the support of all of you. Thank you and thank the heavens above for bringing us together.

Although I haven't been hanging here much lately, I certainly appreciate this sentiment fnf. I think I know just where I'd be if I hadn't met this group... right back where I was during the A. I'd never have even the detail that I do have. All the advice from you strong, capable women... women who actually DID have a life within their M, it's just an awakening.

I haven't done much around here this week. Haven't even rescheduled our cancelled MC appt. Don't know if I will. H and I are at least keeping each other on the same page, we're making decisions together. But I don't feel united yet. Does that make sense?

I read a quick post in R from Dad2 and DL posted a link

http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair

This is what all our H's needed to readh and maybe still do.

I read it over and realized that H is doing most of it... it's the empathy and gratitude, the part where he doesn't pick his fights, he just fights and gets defensive. Other than that, and the stupid move with the phone, I know I'm the center of his world. He has no one or nothing else. But it may be too late.

I just wish I could get myself under control, together, stronger. I think going back to work might help. Wish me luck, I call tomorrow to see if the agency has somewhere for me.

Love you all.... signing off.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Lost Heart
♀ Member
Member # 11515
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Help please everyone.

Last night was a disaster. I asked H for 2 things: dont talk to her alone and NO physical contact. We discuessd this at lenght.and he agreed.Not even 2 minutes after we got there, they are BOTH hugging each other for a few minutes. Yes she started it, but he responded, he moved in, right in front of me..

I cant beleieve it. that was a fuck you to me. I was so upset, furious. made a sarky comment to him later and then he walked out, left me to make an excuse for him and to to cover up for him with the family ad the kids.the whole evening i had to put on a false and bright smile.but my family knew. my mum was very upset. she called this mornng saying no to do anything rash. i told her her concern should be that whatever happedns the kids and I will be fine.
my sister called last ngith and asked how long will i continue to let H disrespct me like this...havent i seen what our dad did to our mum?

this morning i told him that mum phoned and i told her that i need time to think about what to do next. he said "oh you mean like a D?" I said yes,, to which he replied, "I thought you meant something serious".

He said I have cried wolf too many times about a D, so nbasically implying that noone will take me seriously as i always back down.

I am crying inside and trying desp to kepp it togther for the kdis. he has left for work and didnt do any of the chores he was supposed to do, so i am running around trying to do his as well. i just had to post cos i am so overwhelmed and dont know waht to do.

please please please help me tribe.
why would he do this? we went through each sceanrio, we discussed this, i felt so good about us.

off to work will check in in the evening.

****
((((((ukg))))))

I am so sorry about last night. Tribe, Ukg is going through a really bad pacth. pplease lend her a shoulder.
Sorry ukg that i cant do more.


Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

Posts: 2471 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: London
UKgirl
♀ Member
Member # 17062
Default  Posted: 3:36 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wednesday already?? Iím checking in to let you all know that Iím still here, still healing, still trying to make sense of a situation that wonít be reasoned with. Have glanced through the post before Iím off again.

I met up with some fellow SIíers in Birmingham at the weekend. Great lunch, great company, good chat. And we can see IRL that we are not alone. And I overran by an hour!!

Weepy, Iíll check out the link when I get back. Anything relevant is a help. thanks.

LostH Ė This is not good sweetie. Not good. Okay. Take a step back and ask your H why he responded as he did, firstly to reciprocate the hug and then to walk out. I would say the first was to see your response (he probably got that right) and the second was the punishment. Do not mention the D word ever unless you mean it. Moot it by all means, but do not use it as a threat. Threats do not work unless you mean to carry them out. My kids and my H have always known exactly what I mean when I say that is your last chance. I have mentioned the D word once, I have told my H I hated him once. Calm right down. Right down. Breathe and take stock before you talk to him. Ring me anytime, Iím away now until Saturday night. Hugs to you Ė big ones.

FSA Ė re your H and how you felt when he was taken to hospital Never be ashamed, you were not to know of his medical condition. His choice, remember. But you are with him now, and thatís all that matters.

At MC session last night he came up with a good one, His affair was not spontaneous. Get that? NOT spontaneous. So it was considered then. Great. All that crap about how he was never going to leave me was BS. And he was still going on about how it was a mistake. And he wonít have it that you donít have a mistake for five years. You donít have a mistake of a marriage for five years, youíd realise the mistake and get out. I have concluded that he did have a piece of her in his heart, that she married her H on the rebound after he shrugged his shoulders and walked away and that he considered going back with her but kept me as a guarantee should it go wrong. B/c of course, I wasnít supposed to know. And he said that, I wasnít supposed to know. His affair was supposed to be something I never found out about.

All the couples we know who have had an affair blast into their lives have got divorced. Except one. And thatís b/c F is F and we should never make jusdgements about anything he does, even on a moral level. Well he may not, but I do.

As Steeler said last week:

When you strip off the veneer of whatever issues there may be, it is the stone cold, brutal truth. They were selfish and didn't give a shit about how the consequences of their actions would affect others, including their children.

Selfish bastard.

Right, Iím checking out for now. Off to help 4xM friend on the coast move Ė again! (About 30 times in as many years Ö she's a no baggage woman that one!)

To all of us here, have a good rest of the week. (((((LTA tribe))))) See you Sunday.

[This message edited by UKgirl at 3:39 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


D-Day: 30 July 2006 LTA: 5yrs
Me, BS, 56 y/o Him, WS, 57 y/o
MOW, pathetic ex-fiancee.
3 grown boys and one 18 y/o
I don't consider myself married anymore.
There are some words once spoken split the world in two. Before you say them and after.

Posts: 3328 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: UK
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost, maybe taking a step back from this crap the last couple weeks has helped clarify a lot of H's actions, but about your H's.... These guys have no idea what we're talking about. Really. They don't. They do not understand, are clueless, even when they say they get it.

He hugged her hello, right? Because she moved in for a hug. He reacted the way he would have if it was anyone who moved in for a hug, an old guy friend, a not-so-favorite aunt. He acted POLITE. He doesn't get that he's told you he loves you, wants his marriage, that he's not interested in anyone else, so what's a hug?

And I know our viewpoint...NC is NC. If he'd gone off (like I'm waiting for it to happen with us) to have a cigarette privately with her or walked her to the ladies room or her car alone, ok, jumped right over that line. But a quick hello hug in front of you and everyone?

Walking out was absolutely childish and punitive. And (gentle 2x4) so was your snarky comment. Your upset was fueled by mum and sis. No you don't want your mom's marriage, but you don't have that, you have yours.

Look I've got to run, but I'll be back here shortly. Let's talk, ok?


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
brooke4
♀ Member
Member # 13581
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I cant beleieve it. that was a fuck you to me. I was so upset, furious. made a sarky comment to him later and then he walked out, left me to make an excuse for him and to to cover up for him with the family ad the kids.the whole evening i had to put on a false and bright smile.but my family knew. my mum was very upset. she called this mornng saying no to do anything rash. i told her her concern should be that whatever happedns the kids and I will be fine.
my sister called last ngith and asked how long will i continue to let H disrespct me like this...havent i seen what our dad did to our mum?

this morning i told him that mum phoned and i told her that i need time to think about what to do next. he said "oh you mean like a D?" I said yes,, to which he replied, "I thought you meant something serious".

He said I have cried wolf too many times about a D, so nbasically implying that noone will take me seriously as i always back down.

I am crying inside and trying desp to kepp it togther for the kdis. he has left for work and didnt do any of the chores he was supposed to do, so i am running around trying to do his as well. i just had to post cos i am so overwhelmed and dont know waht to do.

please please please help me tribe.
why would he do this? we went through each sceanrio, we discussed this, i felt so good about us.

I don't know why he would do this. He certainly seems to get something either out of behaving hurtfully or out of your response to him behaving hurtfully.

Maybe you've hit on something related to this with the black and white stuff. One of the things my H's IC has gone back to time and time again is that we all have doubting, conflicting, negative, antisocial, able-to-behave-hurtfully parts of us. All of us. And for some people it's a real challenge to integrate those parts into a whole person who can behave well and thoughtfully and lovingly but still express the negative stuff.

And in his opinion, it's the people who can't or won't integrate that stuff that ends up doing things like having A's. Sort of like instead of mixing up and becoming shades of grey, the black eventually overpowers the white.

So maybe your vision of your husband which is very black and white isn't so much a vision of him as it is a reflection of what he's showing you.

I'm sorry the evening and his subsequent behavior were both so awful. My two suggestions are (1) see if you can get an emergency IC appt. to talk about it while it's still fresh, and (2) ask him, in a straight out but not accusatory way, why he did it.

((LH))


Me: BS, 40, Him: WS 41
Married: 15 years
3 children
D-Day: 10/2005

Posts: 1483 | Registered: Feb 2007
BorrowTrouble
♀ Member
Member # 2435
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, April 30th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lost,

I am in the middle of exams right now or I would have responded to your post yesterday about the IC's comments.

I don't know if your husband reported them accurately or not, but to me they indicate very little good sense for someone who has been so inordinately selfish in the context of a communal enterprise like a family. IOW, the advice he was given is that he should put his own interests and healing above trying to help heal the people close to him that he has hurt and disrespected so badly. It's an extremely selfish approach for a person who has been little but selfish in the past.

So, I guess I'm not surprised that he did exactly what he wanted last night. I'm sorry that he did, but I guess I'm not surprised. (This is assuming, of course, that the hugging was not just a brief hello hug that he couldn't politely get out of, but something prolonged and obviously outside the scope of what you agreed to.)

Whether because of culture or background or personality or whatever, I don't think your husband wants to be a partner in the way we generally think of a spouse. He doesn't want to put anyone else's feelings/needs/desires as equal to his own.

Personally, I would not want to live with someone like that, nor someone who treats and speaks to me in such openly disrespectful ways. So, I would start looking carefully at my options. That is something that is best done quietly. No more threats. It is time to really think about what you want and to start making plans to get there.

This is not the time for outbursts or to continue engaging him in an emotional way. He uses your emotions against you, so it really isn't safe for you to let them out unless you can find a MC and get into it right away. Seriously, you need to exert your will right now and keep yourself under control so that you can make the best decisions for you and the kids.

I'm holding you tight in my heart, Lost my friend. What he did sucked. It was mean and dishonorable and petty. Maybe he is showing you that that is who he really is.

BT

[This message edited by BorrowTrouble at 6:38 AM, April 30th (Wednesday)]


D-day 7/29/04.

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